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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to decline this wedding now?

343 replies

FamilyNightmares · 09/08/2022 09:56

We have been invited to a family wedding overseas. It is going to cost a lot of money to go as it is far flung and you have to stay there a min no. of nights. Literally, it is going to cost a fortune. We are expected to go and there will be nuclear fallout if we don't. We don't have a close relationship with the bride and groom. I am massively put out that we have to spend this much money and cut back on other things to do so, but I accepted that we were going.

However, we now have the invitation and it is in term time (June) and I don't even know if my DC will be doing exams then? Also, during this week it is my DC's 18th and will be celebrating it on this day.

I know the B&G can do what they like etc. and it is their wedding and they owe us no consideration. However I now feel an adamant "NO" and that their wedding is just costing me too much and I am not prepared to miss my DC's milestone to go to their wedding.

OP posts:
AiryFairyLights · 10/08/2022 19:53

I would absolutely decline saying sorry it’s in the middle of exams and child’s 18th birthday! Don’t even bring the cost into it anymore and stick to your guns.

Maryminx · 10/08/2022 19:54

They possibly asked u out of politeness. Say, sorry but u have had to rethink and it is in school time. Send wedding card and voucher as pressie, but don’t spend over the top!

Missingpop · 10/08/2022 20:03

Wedding are meant to be celebrated not to make people feel compromised; if it’s going to cost too much say so & don’t be ashamed with the unpredictable cost of living at present no one can judge you there will be dozens of others that will be in the same position; the B&G must understand unless they are prepared to foot the travel & accommodation costs for everyone they cannot expect people to jump for joy at the cost they will incur.
Dont get yourself into debt & don’t miss your daughter milestone birthday you’ll never get that day back & she won’t forget you weren’t there the day she became an adult xx

TurquoiseDragon · 10/08/2022 20:04

Anyone who chooses a destination wedding needs to understand and accept that people may not come.

It's either the destination, or your family and friends. You can't expect both, and you certainly can't expect people to shell out lots of money for your wedding.

I don't have spare cash to throw at a destination wedding. I have other priorities.

kateandme · 10/08/2022 20:06

If you went they would only have to work harder to find something else you would have done wrong because you are the fallout kid.
if they have done this they no,and so they obviously don’t care enough or at all.so why would you feel bad about sticking up to them.
if anyone mentions it. If you hear anything sinply give you couldn’t afford it.if people look down on that then they are dicks.
let them attempt the gaslighting,are they correct,reasonable?no. So wipe it off your shoes.
they aren’t worth it op.
plan a trip outside your dcs exams.sit there having spent this wedding money on somewhere lovely after your dcs have worked so hard.

SuperSue77 · 10/08/2022 20:07

Bin it off asap with a nice apology - I’d not be going.

Insanelysilver · 10/08/2022 20:14

I personally think that when people decide to have weddings abroad they can’t expect people to be able to go unless they are paying for everything.
But in addition.the B&G have booked at a time that doesn’t work for you and your DC’s so I’d definitely bum it off if were you !

Zonder · 10/08/2022 20:16

Surely your 18 year old has exams that can't be missed? That's a full no in that case.

AlexandriasWindmill · 10/08/2022 20:21

I'm confused at all the fuss about an 18th birthday. I don't know anyone who marks it as a milestone with family. 21st - yes - but not 18th.

If you wanted to go to the wedding, then you could go on your own but you obviously don't want to go - so don't. Of course it'll impact your relationship with them but you're already lc.

girlmom21 · 10/08/2022 20:24

AlexandriasWindmill · 10/08/2022 20:21

I'm confused at all the fuss about an 18th birthday. I don't know anyone who marks it as a milestone with family. 21st - yes - but not 18th.

If you wanted to go to the wedding, then you could go on your own but you obviously don't want to go - so don't. Of course it'll impact your relationship with them but you're already lc.

Are you in the US? I think 21st is a big deal over there.

In the UK 18th is definitely a bigger deal.

Dashel · 10/08/2022 20:25

If only you could get that week off work, what a shame so many people already have it booked off and your boss said no.

ancientgran · 10/08/2022 20:25

AlexandriasWindmill · 10/08/2022 20:21

I'm confused at all the fuss about an 18th birthday. I don't know anyone who marks it as a milestone with family. 21st - yes - but not 18th.

If you wanted to go to the wedding, then you could go on your own but you obviously don't want to go - so don't. Of course it'll impact your relationship with them but you're already lc.

It isn't just the birthday though, that is just one of a number of issues like exams, money, time. Together they do add up.

Doris86 · 10/08/2022 20:31

You don’t have a close relationship with the bride and groom, but there will be ‘nuclear fallout’ if you don’t go? I’m confused.

qtpa2t · 10/08/2022 20:35

As far as I'm concerned you could just already have said no at the point where you realise it's costing your family too much tbh. This isn't the time for people to be splashing out on things they don't feel they need or want. It's going to be an expensive winter and you are well within your right to say no.

saraclara · 10/08/2022 20:36

Doris86 · 10/08/2022 20:31

You don’t have a close relationship with the bride and groom, but there will be ‘nuclear fallout’ if you don’t go? I’m confused.

It's a sibling's wedding.

fatchilli123 · 10/08/2022 20:38

Definitely this 😂

derxa · 10/08/2022 20:43

Maryminx · 10/08/2022 19:54

They possibly asked u out of politeness. Say, sorry but u have had to rethink and it is in school time. Send wedding card and voucher as pressie, but don’t spend over the top!

Miserable

onlythreenow · 10/08/2022 20:51

You are under no obligation to attend the wedding. People can hold their weddings wherever they want to, but they have to deal with the fact that if it is going to cost money for guests to travel then some are not going to attend - and they have to accept that graciously. When did people become so selfish and expect everyone else must fall in with their plans? As for your parents, they will get over it.

ThisIsNotThePostYourLookingFor · 10/08/2022 20:58

You have the perfect excuse of exams now. I would decline and say sorry but it’s exam time. Parents can’t argue that surely?

NumberTheory · 10/08/2022 21:05

Instead of apologising for being unable to attend, you could go on the attack and say that you are gutted [sibling] would be so selfish and unaccommodating just to make sure you couldn’t attend. Then stamp your feet a lot and refuse to talk about it.

pollymere · 10/08/2022 21:31

Your child will most likely have exams then, or revising like crazy. Unless they're pretty chill and you could go without the kids, you really can't go. Nothing to do with cost.

AlexandriasWindmill · 10/08/2022 22:08

girlmom21 · 10/08/2022 20:24

Are you in the US? I think 21st is a big deal over there.

In the UK 18th is definitely a bigger deal.

Show quote history

I'm in Scotland. Irish background. 18th are for friends. 21st are big family celebrations.

SofaLola33 · 10/08/2022 22:18

YANBU… You shouldn’t need to give a reason for not going! It’s really unreasonable of someone to expect someone to pay out just to go to their wedding and if anyone says anything then let them say their piece and wish them well, you don’t need that!
In the current climate, I can’t imagine loads of people will be tripping over themselves to attend.

Blueink · 10/08/2022 23:06

Decline

stacyvaron · 11/08/2022 00:49

An invitation is just that, and invitation. You are not obligated to spend exorbitant amounts of money to go to the wedding of people you hardly know. You do owe them an RSVP and perhaps a token gift if you feel it's necesary.

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