AIBU to decline this wedding now?

[FamilyNightmares]

We have been invited to a family wedding overseas. It is going to cost a lot of money to go as it is far flung and you have to stay there a min no. of nights. Literally, it is going to cost a fortune. We are expected to go and there will be nuclear fallout if we don't. We don't have a close relationship with the bride and groom. I am massively put out that we have to spend this much money and cut back on other things to do so, but I accepted that we were going.

However, we now have the invitation and it is in term time (June) and I don't even know if my DC will be doing exams then? Also, during this week it is my DC's 18th and will be celebrating it on this day.

I know the B&G can do what they like etc. and it is their wedding and they owe us no consideration. However I now feel an adamant "NO" and that their wedding is just costing me too much and I am not prepared to miss my DC's milestone to go to their wedding.

Exams trump everything.

Contingency week ends on 30th June so you can absolutely use that as an excuse. Your dc's entire future vs a wedding (that is only 50% going to last)? No brainer.

Get it over with now. £4200 is an INSANE amount of money to spend on a holiday you don't want to go on, and you literally have the perfect excuse. They've got it cheap because folk with kids (especially those doing exams) won't be going on holiday then.

You need to start showing them you don't care.

Don't be afraid of it.

Let them be mad. So what?

Good for you, OP. Keep remembering the support on this thread when the buggars are gaslighting you.

I bet you anything that some of those people who initially said they would attend will be having second thoughts now the invitations have arrived and they start costing the whole thing up. How many people can afford to spend thousands attending someone else's wedding with the cost of living crisis?

😂

In no way are you BU!

I think these days it’s crazy what people expect you to spend on weddings (and stags and hens for that matter - another full blown holiday) if they were paying for you all to go inc DC (DC are obviously at an age a pal might want to go esp given special birthday so additionally the option friend could come if said friend can afford their own ticket given this is a holiday not just a wedding) they MIGHT have a leg to stand on but at the end of the day it’s your choice not theirs….it’s an invite not a mandatory obligation.

if all the toys are out the pram….it might need to be a case of bitch/boy byeeeee 👋 contact me once you’re over yourself xx

Did your parent do anything special for your siblings 18th birthday? If so say that's the sort of thing you want to do to celebrate your child's 18th.

But you have plenty of excuses make sure that you frame it that they have excluded YOU by choosing dates they know you couldn't go.

Honestly give this little thought or oxygen.

Don’t give them loads of excuses that they can pick apart and battle with - that’s just handing them the bullets to shoot you with.

Keep stoic and vague. Rinse and repeat a couple of times and then don’t respond further.

Sadly we can’t attend as we have numerous prior commitments and obligations.

They don’t need to know what they are - it could be time, money, 18th, exams, school term time.

Expect the eruption and just consider it bad weather - like a storm it will come down hard and it will pass. Just weather it. Anticipate it. Prepare for it, plan for it and protect against it.

Keep your eyes on the prize - it passing and you not going.

Get the answer done ASAP so that monkey is off your back.

Go lower contact.

Don’t worry about other friends and family who may or may not attend. That’s not your business and should not direct your decision or guilt.

Know about FOG (fear, obligation, guilt) - this is what these characters evoke - never ever make decisions on these emotions.

If it's your DC's 18th, there's a very good chance they may be in the middle of exams.

"Sorry DM/DF but are you really suggesting that we prioritise the wedding over DC's A-levels and future career path??"

They'll then suggest leaving them home alone no doubt, so:

"so... you want me to leave an 18 year old home alone when they're in the midst of the most important exams of their life so far?"

And a final:

"We will not be going. End of story. I am not discussing it any further with you".

If they want to go nuclear on you for it, then block them on everything and move on with your life knowing you'll never have to put up with their shit again.

I'm angry on your behalf OP.

Delighted that you've come to a decision. I'd fill out one of the pre-printed regrets cards and send that back to the bride & groom.

If things kick off about you not being able to attend just say, "I'm sorry you feel that way. We just cannot attend the wedding and no matter what you say, we cannot change that fact." Go broken record on them, repeat, repeat, repeat the same response "We hope you have a wonderful time in Bora Bora* getting married, but we unfortunately will not be able to attend. We'd love to see the photos/pictures afterwards. Now, can I get anyone more tea or coffee?" that kind of thing.

I don't know why but I was thinking that based on the age, and the way that you're posting, your son is going to be doing his Leaving Cert exams which basically take up the month of June in Ireland. Did I pick that up wrong?

You should decline (obvs!) but I disagree that you should be curt. I would write an email explaining (as calmly as possible) why, and send it to both your parent and sibling. This way you know, when they explode, that they have all the facts and are still choosing to demonise you. I think that could be a turning point for you OP.

Hi Mum and X
I've just had X's lovely invitation and I'm horrified to see that the date is during DS's exams and also on his 18th birhtday!. I had no idea you were planning to book for this time X, or I would definitely have said something at the time .

I'm so sorry, X, but coupled with the debt we'd have to get into to pay for the trip, it's just going to be impossible for us. I hope you know I've tried really hard to make it work, but it's just not doable and to be honest never really was. I wish I could be there and I'll be thinking about you all the time X. Maybe we could host you here when you come back to celebrate?

There is say a 1/10 chance that sibling will be the better person and your mum will have to follow his/her lead. More likely, they'll gang together against you - but that was probably always going to happen anyway, and at least you haven't spent £10K on it.

Well done! When they kick off, stay calm and use the broken record method:

DC will be sitting A levels then and has 18th birthday too, so there’s no way we could go.
waaah waah waah
DC will be sitting A levels then and has 18th birthday too, so there’s no way we could go.
explosion
DC will be sitting A levels then and has 18th birthday too, so there’s no way we could go.
but but but
DC will be sitting A levels then and has 18th birthday too, so there’s no way we could go.
you’re the most terrible person on earth
DC will be sitting A levels then and has 18th birthday too, so there’s no way we could go.

They’ll get tired of it when they see it’s having no effect on you.

As PPs have said, the people who believe their She’s So Awful stories are not worth giving a thought to. Even some the worst and stupidest people will understand that your DC’s A levels and milestone birthday come first.

I agree with this.

I've decided DH and I are obviously far too nice.

We chose a wedding venue that had family rooms, gave people lists of other cheaper hotels nearby, as our venue was a bit pricey, and numbers for taxi companies and also booked our wedding in a school holiday so people could come without having to worry about getting back ASAP Sunday morning for school on Monday.

We don't even have children!

The point of our wedding was that I wanted to have a big old knees up and celebrate with my friends and family and wanted as many people to come if they could, so I made it possible to facilitate that as much as I could. We briefly discussed a foreign wedding, but quickly dismissed it because of how much of a pain it would be for most people.

I would seriously leave the 18th Birthday out of it. It could easily be argued as not a barrier to you attending at all (you could celebrate abroad and then back home). Some 18 year olds would love the thought of being in XXXX for their birthday (fill in location as applicable).
The cost could be arguesd by twats (ie your relatives) to be a priority thing...if you wanted to you could save/starve/get debt. I agree with you btw - the cost and expectation by B&G is unreal.

The exams/term time however are totally non-negotiable. Stick with this reason. They have zero arguments they could come back with. It is all you need.

I'm going to suggest you hold fire if possible for a couple of weeks, OP. Is it possible that once the energy price cap is announced on the 26th, more people will start to realise what this winter is really going to cost and start declining? It's my belief that many people are currently:

• woefully unaware of what's to come
• out of date with the latest estimates of just how much energy prices are going to rise in October ( my quote to fix went up three times last week alone)
• think the price cap example is what they will actually pay, it isn't
• deciding to ignore it for now and have a good summer first
• or don't realise that as well as Putin cutting supplies to Europe, we have the Chinese being instructed to buy whatever they need at whatever price is necessary; the costs incurred when so many suppliers went bust; and the hefty green levy on all our bills. It is a perfect storm.

Give it two weeks and there may be competition to get in first with their excuses! 🤣

I'd decline based on the likelihood of exams alone tbh. They can't really argue with that.

Parent needs to realise that education and exams are more important.

If sibling really wanted you there they would plan wedding date for holidays.

Just say no and move on. Parent needs to grow up.

Just decline I did with brother and Sis in law .Hen and stag abroad .
Yes we could of spent the money but it was a lot of money for 2 weekends away that was needed elsewhere . Then cost of staying overnight at wedding venue .
When people organise weddings overseas at a lot of expense to others even family, you can’t be annoyed if some choose to decline. At the time a family holiday with the kids was more important to me .

Glad we've helped you come to a decision. Best wishes 🙂

Just say you cannot go and end of conversation, send the reply to the bride and groom with a gift to follow and say about exams and 18th birthday already organized etc and the cost. If anyone has a go at you just stay calm and repeat repeat repeat and if that fails tell them to feck off as sick of listening to them going on and on. How can people expect families to be spending so much money flying across the world for a wedding when bills and food so high and will be a tough winter. Don't stress over it but do understand how other family members can be.

I am now happy and secure in my decision that we are not going and when there is fallout, it’s their problem as their decisions basically excluded us from attending. They can’t justify any bad feeling

well done OP. I can't believe some people think they have the right to try and force you to do what they are doing or to tell you how to spend your money! Let them crack on - stick to decisions that suit your family.

Just say “obviously we can’t go as that date is in the middle of Child’s A levels, but hope you have a lovely day!”

And keep repeating that to your parents. It’s in the middle of your child’s A levels, so obviously you can’t go. Of course you would have loved to have gone otherwise, what a shame DBro chose to book right in the middle of exam time.

And I wouldn’t mention the birthday as then they will turn it around as you thinking your child’s birthday is more important than their wedding (which of course it is to you, but they don’t sound reasonable).

“Our child will be in the middle of sitting their A levels” is far harder to argue against - nobody could argue your child should skip their A level exams to attend a wedding without looking like a complete Bridezilla (or Groomzilla). They might suggest you should go by yourself and leave your children at home, but I wouldn’t even dignify that suggestion with an answer.

This is exactly what I was about to say. I wouldn't mention the 18th, because to them it's not important and signifies a choice to prioritise him, which they'll resent.

“Our child will be in the middle of sitting their A levels” is a fact, it's unequivocable and there is no choice involved. It's happening and it's out of your control.

To be honest, that's all I'd say to them.

I would just say that you emailed the school to check dates, knowing that June is exam month, and they confirmed that that period is an exam period so obviously your child cannot take time off then.

If they continue to push then you can point out that missing exams could mess up your child's future in terms of college/uni and obviously that is unacceptable to make them defer a year just to go to a wedding - arguing against that clearly makes then twunts in anyone's eyes. Make sure that your reason gets out into the wider family too, so they can't twist it.

Don't bow to pressure, OP. Let them have their tantrums, your family comes first.