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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To go abroad without DD?

168 replies

MumChats · 09/08/2022 09:23

DH has a big birthday next month. I booked us a surprise trip abroad (we are UK based, its in Europe) and asked in-laws to have 18-month old DD for 2 nights while we are away. All seemed like a great idea.

We are due to go next month and as the trip approaches i am feeling really bad about leaving DD. In laws are great and she knows and likes them. However we have left her twice recently where it hasn't gone so well and it's niggling me about leaving her again. The first, we left her from about 2pm to 11pm, she was well when we left but within a few hours she'd suddenly become ill and MIL ended up in A&E with her. She was discharged that night after a steroid but it was rattling. The second time we left her overnight with DM. She had a great time, loves DM and was fine when we collected her but as the day went on she seemed out of sorts, fussing quite a lot, cried at bedtime (unusual). Because of those two things, particularly the second where she wasn't herself, I'm worried that leaving her for 2 nights is the wrong thing to do and that maybe she's at an age where it's affecting her emotionally to not know where we are/she misses us.

I've wondered about taking her on the trip, as she's only 18 months i assume i could ring the airline and get her added to my seat. The problem is it's not a toddler-friendly trip. Quite a lot of travel - 1hr30 drive to airport, 2 hr flight, then 2 hr drive, one full day in the country and then travelling home again. Also, the full day we are attending a sporting event and it wont be fun for her. Prefer not to say exactly what but imagine something like a tennis tournament, so there's something going on all day long (not like 90 minute football match type thing). There are some stands but we'll be spectating from viewing points with TV screens and get glimpses of the courts here and there. It will be hot and crowded and is really not something a toddler would enjoy.

So my AIBU I suppose is: given the last couple of times we've left her where it hasn't gone really well, are we being selfish to leave her again? Or would it be selfish to take her on a trip she will not enjoy when she could be having 2 nights with her doting grandparents? I'm really torn.

Cancelling isn't an option. It was a lot of money and was meant to be a big exciting treat for DH (and hopefully on some level still will be)! DH knows about the trip now and thinks we should go without DD. He isn't worried about leaving her but does agree she was a bit upset after we collected her from DM. This is so long thank you for anyone who got to the end! Trying not to drip feed i've included so much info!

OP posts:
BunnyHopDance · 09/08/2022 09:24

Yes I think it would be selfish to leave her.

Of course cancelling is an option, you just don’t want to. So you take her, or you cancel.

Smarshian · 09/08/2022 09:26

Go without her. Honestly she will be with people who love and care about her. If she had been with you either of those times she could have just as easily got ill/ been fussy and you probably wouldn’t have done anything different with her.

Qwertyyui · 09/08/2022 09:26

She is fine to be left. Parental guilt never goes away. Have some nice time with your DH. She won't even remember you left her x

Axahooxa · 09/08/2022 09:27

At the moment I think it’s extremely difficult as you may well have flights cancelled and be back a lot later than you’d hoped. I think she’s too young to leave for so long- she will be upset by you not being there, even with doting grandparents. 2 days will seem like a very long time.

Boomboom22 · 09/08/2022 09:27

She will be fine, it was because she was ill last time. She loves granny! And is a little bit older every day so will be getting better at letting nan know her needs. Go!

Mumdiva99 · 09/08/2022 09:30

I'm often the first to read going away without my child posts and think why? But your daughter has been left before with grandma, it's only 2 nights, if they are able to cope then go and have fun. She will be fine. As she gets older it might be harder to leave her....so have a good time.

Clymene · 09/08/2022 09:31

Of course she will be fine. She was unwell. You being away didn't cause her to be unwell.

She's 18 months. I went back to work with overnight stays from when my babies were 6 months old. They're fine.

@BunnyHopDance is being absurd.

ABugsLyfe · 09/08/2022 09:33

Hun, Go and leave your DD with her grandparents. You're not leaving with some strangers off the streets. She'll be fine! How I wish my in laws lived nearby.

XelaM · 09/08/2022 09:33

BunnyHopDance · 09/08/2022 09:24

Yes I think it would be selfish to leave her.

Of course cancelling is an option, you just don’t want to. So you take her, or you cancel.

What a silly post.

Of course it's ok to leave a toddler for 2 nights with grandparents. She won't ever remember. Parents are still people and can have days/nights out without kids as long as kids are with trusted adults.

LightDrizzle · 09/08/2022 09:34

Go! She has a great relationship with her grandparents it seems. She may have been upset to be leaving Grandmaland, rather than crying because she hadn’t coped. What do your MIL & FIL think? They draw how she coped with an overnight

Taking her is the worst option as she will be bored witless, and if it’s F1, possibly scared.

It’s only two days and your DH will be gutted to miss it and you too probably.

yummyscummymummy01 · 09/08/2022 09:34

Go! Don't be silly. The fact her Nan could cope with a serious issue involving an A&E trip whilst with her shows she's the more than capable. Honestly the guilt never goes and at 18 months they're less aware and will forget about it in no time!

Antsinmypantsneedtodance · 09/08/2022 09:34

I couldn't do it, but thats me.

You do you. You ve already left her before so it's not much different. She'll be fine.

An alternative is your change name on booking and DH takes a friend.

Mushroo · 09/08/2022 09:34

I would go! Not that you’ll need it, but is there a flight home the day after you arrive? Just to put your mind at ease should there be some emergency and you need to get back.

you 99% won’t need it but knowing that would can get back might help a bit :)

enjoy!

Endlesslypatient82 · 09/08/2022 09:36

BunnyHopDance · 09/08/2022 09:24

Yes I think it would be selfish to leave her.

Of course cancelling is an option, you just don’t want to. So you take her, or you cancel.

Out of pure nosiness

do you have children?

XelaM · 09/08/2022 09:36

As she gets older it might be harder to leave her....so have a good time.

This. She will never remember being left at 18 months. As she gets older, it will be harder to leave her because she will realise you're away without her. Enjoy yourself whilst you can!!

SuperPets · 09/08/2022 09:36

BunnyHopDance · 09/08/2022 09:24

Yes I think it would be selfish to leave her.

Of course cancelling is an option, you just don’t want to. So you take her, or you cancel.

What rot! Parents can have lives too you know.

You forgot the best option...go and have fun, because its 2 bloody days and the kid will be completely fine!¬

ingratitude · 09/08/2022 09:37

Go! Grandma seems to have it covered and presumably she raised her own children successfully to adulthood. If anything she'll be extra cautious with GDC.

I think it's a lovely idea to have a break for the both of you

Endlesslypatient82 · 09/08/2022 09:37

MumChats · 09/08/2022 09:23

DH has a big birthday next month. I booked us a surprise trip abroad (we are UK based, its in Europe) and asked in-laws to have 18-month old DD for 2 nights while we are away. All seemed like a great idea.

We are due to go next month and as the trip approaches i am feeling really bad about leaving DD. In laws are great and she knows and likes them. However we have left her twice recently where it hasn't gone so well and it's niggling me about leaving her again. The first, we left her from about 2pm to 11pm, she was well when we left but within a few hours she'd suddenly become ill and MIL ended up in A&E with her. She was discharged that night after a steroid but it was rattling. The second time we left her overnight with DM. She had a great time, loves DM and was fine when we collected her but as the day went on she seemed out of sorts, fussing quite a lot, cried at bedtime (unusual). Because of those two things, particularly the second where she wasn't herself, I'm worried that leaving her for 2 nights is the wrong thing to do and that maybe she's at an age where it's affecting her emotionally to not know where we are/she misses us.

I've wondered about taking her on the trip, as she's only 18 months i assume i could ring the airline and get her added to my seat. The problem is it's not a toddler-friendly trip. Quite a lot of travel - 1hr30 drive to airport, 2 hr flight, then 2 hr drive, one full day in the country and then travelling home again. Also, the full day we are attending a sporting event and it wont be fun for her. Prefer not to say exactly what but imagine something like a tennis tournament, so there's something going on all day long (not like 90 minute football match type thing). There are some stands but we'll be spectating from viewing points with TV screens and get glimpses of the courts here and there. It will be hot and crowded and is really not something a toddler would enjoy.

So my AIBU I suppose is: given the last couple of times we've left her where it hasn't gone really well, are we being selfish to leave her again? Or would it be selfish to take her on a trip she will not enjoy when she could be having 2 nights with her doting grandparents? I'm really torn.

Cancelling isn't an option. It was a lot of money and was meant to be a big exciting treat for DH (and hopefully on some level still will be)! DH knows about the trip now and thinks we should go without DD. He isn't worried about leaving her but does agree she was a bit upset after we collected her from DM. This is so long thank you for anyone who got to the end! Trying not to drip feed i've included so much info!

Serious heatwave in Europe op

i wouldn’t want to bring a toddler even if she had been booked on

SleeplessInEngland · 09/08/2022 09:37

Two nights away for an 18MO is fine, anyone saying otherwise is being ridiculous.

SalviaOfficinalis · 09/08/2022 09:38

I think you should go. Of course it will be a little unsettling because it’s not what she’s used to - but unless she does it, she’s not going get used to it.

Can she go to grandparents for a few hours without you a couple of times before you go away to get used to it a bit more?

SunshineAndFizz · 09/08/2022 09:39

Oh please go. And have a wonderful time.

She'll be fine - first illness was unlucky but sounds like she's great with your DM. Kids do get unsettled sometimes by change but nothing she'll be telling a therapist about.

takealettermsjones · 09/08/2022 09:39

I think she will be fine, but if you are not too bothered about the event (is it the Italian grand prix?? 🙂) then can he take a friend/sibling instead?

blindingflash · 09/08/2022 09:41

Please go! How lovely to have nice in-laws too.

If it helps, when ours were young we had no family support nearby so were constantly shattered, so grandparents had them 2-3 times a year for a few days to give us a break starting when they were only a few months old.

Everyone feels differently of course and some people wouldn't leave them but I think it's healthy and beneficial for all.

Have a great time Smile

Oh and it was these little breaks that resulted in babies 2 and 3 Smile

dolphinsarentcommon · 09/08/2022 09:41

I'm with @BunnyHopDance. Her being poorly isn't really relevant as sounds like grandma handled it. I just think she's too young.

When you have children you put them first and lovely travel with your OH is over for a good while.

I wouldn't have dreamt of it.

Jedsnewstar · 09/08/2022 09:41

BunnyHopDance · 09/08/2022 09:24

Yes I think it would be selfish to leave her.

Of course cancelling is an option, you just don’t want to. So you take her, or you cancel.

Don’t be so silly