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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To go abroad without DD?

168 replies

MumChats · 09/08/2022 09:23

DH has a big birthday next month. I booked us a surprise trip abroad (we are UK based, its in Europe) and asked in-laws to have 18-month old DD for 2 nights while we are away. All seemed like a great idea.

We are due to go next month and as the trip approaches i am feeling really bad about leaving DD. In laws are great and she knows and likes them. However we have left her twice recently where it hasn't gone so well and it's niggling me about leaving her again. The first, we left her from about 2pm to 11pm, she was well when we left but within a few hours she'd suddenly become ill and MIL ended up in A&E with her. She was discharged that night after a steroid but it was rattling. The second time we left her overnight with DM. She had a great time, loves DM and was fine when we collected her but as the day went on she seemed out of sorts, fussing quite a lot, cried at bedtime (unusual). Because of those two things, particularly the second where she wasn't herself, I'm worried that leaving her for 2 nights is the wrong thing to do and that maybe she's at an age where it's affecting her emotionally to not know where we are/she misses us.

I've wondered about taking her on the trip, as she's only 18 months i assume i could ring the airline and get her added to my seat. The problem is it's not a toddler-friendly trip. Quite a lot of travel - 1hr30 drive to airport, 2 hr flight, then 2 hr drive, one full day in the country and then travelling home again. Also, the full day we are attending a sporting event and it wont be fun for her. Prefer not to say exactly what but imagine something like a tennis tournament, so there's something going on all day long (not like 90 minute football match type thing). There are some stands but we'll be spectating from viewing points with TV screens and get glimpses of the courts here and there. It will be hot and crowded and is really not something a toddler would enjoy.

So my AIBU I suppose is: given the last couple of times we've left her where it hasn't gone really well, are we being selfish to leave her again? Or would it be selfish to take her on a trip she will not enjoy when she could be having 2 nights with her doting grandparents? I'm really torn.

Cancelling isn't an option. It was a lot of money and was meant to be a big exciting treat for DH (and hopefully on some level still will be)! DH knows about the trip now and thinks we should go without DD. He isn't worried about leaving her but does agree she was a bit upset after we collected her from DM. This is so long thank you for anyone who got to the end! Trying not to drip feed i've included so much info!

OP posts:
mynameiscalypso · 09/08/2022 13:48

I looked after my 18 month old niece last month for the same length of time. It was brilliant. We had so much fun.

dottiedodah · 09/08/2022 13:50

I think she will be fine TBH. It was just bad luck last time .2 days is a short break.I defo wouldnt take her .Just go and relax!

ChiefWiggumsBoy · 09/08/2022 13:52

I think you’d be selfish to take her tbh, just to go against what @BunnyHopDance says. You’ll be taking her to alleviate your worries, not because you think she’ll get anything out of the trip or because you genuinely want her with you (please take that in the spirit it’s intended!).

mindutopia · 09/08/2022 13:54

She will be absolutely fine. It's only 2 nights.

When my dd was that age, I went to Australia for 2 weeks for work. Of course, she was home with dh, not family, but it's obviously a much more significant chunk of time. She was absolutely fine.

TheBirdintheCave · 09/08/2022 14:07

Of course, go! :)

My husband and I went to Venice for a week to shoot a wedding and our son was nine months old at the time. He stayed with my mum, dad and aunt and had a brilliant time.

Ihadenough22 · 09/08/2022 14:26

Your lucky that you have a mil that willing to look after an 18 month old. From what you told us the trip is only suitable for adults and is just for 2 days. Why would you bring a 18 month old on this trip, they won't like it and it will be hardship for you bringing them? Why would you cancel this trip?

You been listening to the sainted mammies who believe that your child should always be put 1st and that your child should be always with you. You need to have some child free time. Long term you want your relationship to work and it's important that you have some adult only time as a couple when you have a young child.
I would go off and enjoy your trip and bring your child back a nice toy.

Thetractorjustmoved · 09/08/2022 14:39

Please go! We had a fabulous weekend away in Europe when my DS was 2. we look back fondly now at the freedom!
It's likely she was fussy after your mums because of the change of routine, maybe worse sleep. Ours is the same, has a great time at my mums and then crashes when back with us. It's the price we have to pay for a night off!

aSofaNearYou · 09/08/2022 14:44

I would definitely go, you're overthinking things. She was ill before and perhaps thrown slightly out of her room, but that would be far worse taking her.

It's only 2 days, she will be fine.

abblie · 09/08/2022 15:02

This is just parent guilt your lucky to have amazing grandparents in your corner and I'm sure she will be well looked after and spoilt rotten xx parents need time alone and its only a few nights and not weeks and ignore the stepford wives on this lol

scotchbonnet79 · 09/08/2022 15:07

I would go. I left mine for a week at that age to go on holiday. He was fine, he doesn't remember and 17 years later he is a happy, healthy well balanced young adult.

Readinginthesun · 09/08/2022 15:21

Out of interest , those berating the OP , what do you consider to be a suitable age to leave your DC so that you and your DP can go emmm frolicking??

Endlesslypatient82 · 09/08/2022 15:45

Those that criticise for a night holiday away from your child, really should leave their child with other people because then hopefully the child will experience an adult caring for them who isn’t dripping with judgement about most things in life.

Endlesslypatient82 · 09/08/2022 15:47

Readinginthesun · 09/08/2022 15:21

Out of interest , those berating the OP , what do you consider to be a suitable age to leave your DC so that you and your DP can go emmm frolicking??

can you imagine the cats bum faces of these posters if their children ever asked them to look after their GC whilst they had a weekend away (would never happen because I reckon the child would be beside themselves crying at being left with “moody granny”!)

Brushteethwashface · 09/08/2022 15:53

I think you should go and have a great time she’ll be safe and well looked after by family who love her. Be careful with the frolicking though, I know about 3 people who went away for a first night away post baby and number 2 arrived 9 months later.

I occasionally left mine with their grandparents for overnights at that age (and my grandparents looked after me when I was little so it felt a normal thing to do and I’m lucky to have lovely parents and in-laws who wanted to do it). It’s good for their relationship and parenting is a long old haul, particularly in the early years. Having a break as a couple every now and then and remembering why you’re together is important for your relationship.

Underwater11 · 09/08/2022 16:10

Of course you should go, she will be absolutely fine. The posters saying they couldn’t possibly or it’s selfish…bless you.

Confrontayshunme · 09/08/2022 16:15

The first time I left my 22 month old DD, she got a stomach bug. Not their fault, but they were wonderful carers and asked what we would do to comfort her and help her feel better. It actually increased my confidence in letting them keep her. When we had the opportunity to go away for our anniversary when DD2 was 18 months, I knew she would be safe and they would care for both our girls. Do you have any history of abuse or neglect that is making you waver? If not, two nights is not that long, and you will LOVE seeing her so happy when you return.

LuckySantangelo35 · 09/08/2022 23:55

dolphinsarentcommon · 09/08/2022 09:41

I'm with @BunnyHopDance. Her being poorly isn't really relevant as sounds like grandma handled it. I just think she's too young.

When you have children you put them first and lovely travel with your OH is over for a good while.

I wouldn't have dreamt of it.

@dolphinsarentcommon

urgh what a Martyr you sound

the child will be fine and op can have a lovely time with her husband

you don’t cease to exist as a person just cos you have a kid

LuckySantangelo35 · 09/08/2022 23:59

dolphinsarentcommon · 09/08/2022 09:48

@SleeplessInEngland luck to for who? Most mothers wouldn't leave a newborn who wouldn't know they'd been left. Why leave an 18 month old who will?

Motherhood is not about pandering to your own selfish wants.

@dolphinsarentcommon

sometiemes as a parent it’s fine to be selfish

the child will be well cared for and it does parents good to have a break

yeah the child would probably be at home with both parents there but so what? That happens day in and day out for weeks on end so a weekend away will really not harm them

beachcitygirl · 10/08/2022 00:09

Go & enjoy yourselves, loving grandparents are perfectly capable. They brought you and your dh up to be responsible caring adults. Have fun OP and ignore the guilt trippers on here (they're jealous) x

lifelaughloathe · 10/08/2022 00:12

I left my 10 month old with my grandma for a week when we went on holiday and he was absolutely fine, loved it in fact! He never held it against me and still knew who we were and loves us.

I'd say go for it!

(I wouldn't do this now like for that long but at the time my dad had just died 6 months prior to a devastatingly quick illness, I was the sole carer for my autistic mum and I genuinely needed the break or I probably would have gone crazy)

Ponderingwindow · 10/08/2022 00:15

I would not have planned the trip. I wouldn’t want to be on the other side of a border from my child so young. With travel being so volatile these days and just the chance of not getting back because of cancelled flights or Covid related problems.

that said, I wouldn’t take her with. Either go or leave her with the grandparents. She might have a bit of separation stress with the grandparents, but she won’t enjoy the trip either. If it’s missing you vs the stress of a whirlwind adult focused trip, she is better off at grandma’s .

SleepingStandingUp · 10/08/2022 00:25

Gosh Def don't take her, she'll be miserable and so will you.

LuckySantangelo35 · 10/08/2022 08:37

Ponderingwindow · 10/08/2022 00:15

I would not have planned the trip. I wouldn’t want to be on the other side of a border from my child so young. With travel being so volatile these days and just the chance of not getting back because of cancelled flights or Covid related problems.

that said, I wouldn’t take her with. Either go or leave her with the grandparents. She might have a bit of separation stress with the grandparents, but she won’t enjoy the trip either. If it’s missing you vs the stress of a whirlwind adult focused trip, she is better off at grandma’s .

@Ponderingwindow

the child will be in competent hands

if I never took trips like this when my kid was small I’d have been miserable

and my well-being matters every bit as much as my kids

LuckySantangelo35 · 10/08/2022 08:38

BunnyHopDance · 09/08/2022 09:24

Yes I think it would be selfish to leave her.

Of course cancelling is an option, you just don’t want to. So you take her, or you cancel.

@BunnyHopDance

ha ha you cannot be serious!

why would she wanna cancel

are you jealous cos you don’t have anyone to watch your kids whilst you have a break with your DH?

BunnyHopDance · 10/08/2022 08:46

LuckySantangelo35 · 10/08/2022 08:38

@BunnyHopDance

ha ha you cannot be serious!

why would she wanna cancel

are you jealous cos you don’t have anyone to watch your kids whilst you have a break with your DH?

Show quote history

Unfortunately we have too many people that want to watch our children as we are a big family and have to continually say no.

We had children to build a life with them, not to carry on a life as though they didn’t exist.

We enjoy spending our lives with our children so wouldn’t want to go somewhere without them.