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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To go abroad without DD?

168 replies

MumChats · 09/08/2022 09:23

DH has a big birthday next month. I booked us a surprise trip abroad (we are UK based, its in Europe) and asked in-laws to have 18-month old DD for 2 nights while we are away. All seemed like a great idea.

We are due to go next month and as the trip approaches i am feeling really bad about leaving DD. In laws are great and she knows and likes them. However we have left her twice recently where it hasn't gone so well and it's niggling me about leaving her again. The first, we left her from about 2pm to 11pm, she was well when we left but within a few hours she'd suddenly become ill and MIL ended up in A&E with her. She was discharged that night after a steroid but it was rattling. The second time we left her overnight with DM. She had a great time, loves DM and was fine when we collected her but as the day went on she seemed out of sorts, fussing quite a lot, cried at bedtime (unusual). Because of those two things, particularly the second where she wasn't herself, I'm worried that leaving her for 2 nights is the wrong thing to do and that maybe she's at an age where it's affecting her emotionally to not know where we are/she misses us.

I've wondered about taking her on the trip, as she's only 18 months i assume i could ring the airline and get her added to my seat. The problem is it's not a toddler-friendly trip. Quite a lot of travel - 1hr30 drive to airport, 2 hr flight, then 2 hr drive, one full day in the country and then travelling home again. Also, the full day we are attending a sporting event and it wont be fun for her. Prefer not to say exactly what but imagine something like a tennis tournament, so there's something going on all day long (not like 90 minute football match type thing). There are some stands but we'll be spectating from viewing points with TV screens and get glimpses of the courts here and there. It will be hot and crowded and is really not something a toddler would enjoy.

So my AIBU I suppose is: given the last couple of times we've left her where it hasn't gone really well, are we being selfish to leave her again? Or would it be selfish to take her on a trip she will not enjoy when she could be having 2 nights with her doting grandparents? I'm really torn.

Cancelling isn't an option. It was a lot of money and was meant to be a big exciting treat for DH (and hopefully on some level still will be)! DH knows about the trip now and thinks we should go without DD. He isn't worried about leaving her but does agree she was a bit upset after we collected her from DM. This is so long thank you for anyone who got to the end! Trying not to drip feed i've included so much info!

OP posts:
courtrai · 09/08/2022 10:32

I see the Mumsnet martyrs are out in force today. Becoming a parent does not require you to be attached to your child 24 hrs a day and failing to provide your child with experiences away from home, in safe familial environments will like cause serious upsets when they do need to be away from you - such as school residentials.

How many hours are working mums away from their DC each day? Does this count as abandonment too? Crikey I'm amazed my 2 are as well rounded as they are as most summer holidays they were foisted on grandparents through childcare necessity

GroggyLegs · 09/08/2022 10:33

Motherhood is not about pandering to your own selfish wants.

It's not being a martyr either.

There's a balance - such as leaving an 18mo with a trusted, capable adult who loves them, for 2 nights to celebrate a significant birthday at a special event.

Extremely jealous of it's a Grand Prix OP!

SalviaOfficinalis · 09/08/2022 10:41

BunnyHopDance · 09/08/2022 10:15

Yes, two. I would never dump them just to go frolicking abroad.

Show quote history

I would 😁what better reason to leave them than to go frolicking?

Hoppinggreen · 09/08/2022 10:43

BunnyHopDance · 09/08/2022 10:15

Yes, two. I would never dump them just to go frolicking abroad.

Show quote history

Oooh, will there be frolicking?
You should definitely go then OP

Goldbar · 09/08/2022 10:46

She'll be fine. Taking her would be unreasonable as it doesn't sound like a child-friendly even and she wouldn't enjoy it. She's much better here, not having to do all that travel and being spoiled by granny.

GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing · 09/08/2022 10:47

Wasn’t quite sure how to approach the voting, and suspect I’m not alone!

YWBVU to take her to something like you’ve described. Would be a nightmare for you and for her. No need to do so either as both leaving her with ILs and cancelling are an option.

YWNBU to leave her with ILs she will be fine! Even if she’s a bit unsettled the next day, she seems to have recovered quickly after last time.

5128gap · 09/08/2022 10:48

Absolutely go! The first time was pure bad luck. The second time you are making assumptions about why she was unsettled, when it's far more likely it was just a bit of grouchiness after being spoiled by grandma. By leaving her, you are giving her and your DM an invaluable bonding opportunity, strengthening their relationship and giving them both a treat. There are no losers here.

GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing · 09/08/2022 10:48

Meant to say she’ll be way more unsettled if you take her!

Plus in a relationship you do have to do nice things for each other sometimes, and this sounds important to your DH.

MolkosTeenageAngst · 09/08/2022 10:51

YANBU. It’s fine to go abroad with her, she is staying with her grandparents who she knows and sound perfectly capable. I think it’s normal for young children to be a bit unsettled after staying somewhere different for a night or two as they’re out of routine but that doesn’t really mean much. If she hadn’t enjoyed the last time she stayed and had been really upset I’m sure your MIL would have told you and not been so willing to have her again!

IWentAwayIStayedAway · 09/08/2022 10:51

oh my gosh, go! she will be fine. granny has it covered. enjoy trip

Onebigmess · 09/08/2022 10:52

Go and have a lovely time!

converseandjeans · 09/08/2022 10:53

You should try leaving her another couple of times in the run up if you can so that she's more used to it. Maybe an afternoon one day and then overnight another time. I think with two sets of willing grandparents she will be ok.

Justcallmebebes · 09/08/2022 10:53

I had all of my grandchildren for overnights and several days many times almost from birth. All of them survived it and were and are absolutely fine

Original poster
MumChats · 09/08/2022 10:54

Thanks everyone for your comments, really appreciate your perspectives and reassurance. The non-judgemental "don't gos" have been helpful too although the frolicking did make me snort - and i realised i have more in common with the posters saying go so that was helpful in it's way too.

I think we'll go! I know it'll be a great trip and especially a special treat for DH which was the whole point. But a lesson for me here in overcommitting and learning for the future about what i'm comfortable with.

OP posts:
Original poster
MumChats · 09/08/2022 10:55

Oh and sorry - didn't mean to enable voting.

OP posts:
Rowen32 · 09/08/2022 11:04

MumChats · 09/08/2022 09:23

DH has a big birthday next month. I booked us a surprise trip abroad (we are UK based, its in Europe) and asked in-laws to have 18-month old DD for 2 nights while we are away. All seemed like a great idea.

We are due to go next month and as the trip approaches i am feeling really bad about leaving DD. In laws are great and she knows and likes them. However we have left her twice recently where it hasn't gone so well and it's niggling me about leaving her again. The first, we left her from about 2pm to 11pm, she was well when we left but within a few hours she'd suddenly become ill and MIL ended up in A&E with her. She was discharged that night after a steroid but it was rattling. The second time we left her overnight with DM. She had a great time, loves DM and was fine when we collected her but as the day went on she seemed out of sorts, fussing quite a lot, cried at bedtime (unusual). Because of those two things, particularly the second where she wasn't herself, I'm worried that leaving her for 2 nights is the wrong thing to do and that maybe she's at an age where it's affecting her emotionally to not know where we are/she misses us.

I've wondered about taking her on the trip, as she's only 18 months i assume i could ring the airline and get her added to my seat. The problem is it's not a toddler-friendly trip. Quite a lot of travel - 1hr30 drive to airport, 2 hr flight, then 2 hr drive, one full day in the country and then travelling home again. Also, the full day we are attending a sporting event and it wont be fun for her. Prefer not to say exactly what but imagine something like a tennis tournament, so there's something going on all day long (not like 90 minute football match type thing). There are some stands but we'll be spectating from viewing points with TV screens and get glimpses of the courts here and there. It will be hot and crowded and is really not something a toddler would enjoy.

So my AIBU I suppose is: given the last couple of times we've left her where it hasn't gone really well, are we being selfish to leave her again? Or would it be selfish to take her on a trip she will not enjoy when she could be having 2 nights with her doting grandparents? I'm really torn.

Cancelling isn't an option. It was a lot of money and was meant to be a big exciting treat for DH (and hopefully on some level still will be)! DH knows about the trip now and thinks we should go without DD. He isn't worried about leaving her but does agree she was a bit upset after we collected her from DM. This is so long thank you for anyone who got to the end! Trying not to drip feed i've included so much info!

Has she been left overnight before? I'd be building up to the trip if you could e.g leave her stay one overnight, collect her early, leave her overnight, collect her later in the day and then it won't be such a big deal for her..
Personally, I couldn't leave unless I'd done something like that - my toddler is very aware and I wouldn't be able to do it

rainbowstardrops · 09/08/2022 11:11

Definitely go. It doesn't sound like the sort of environment to take a toddler anyway, so apart from cancelling, your child will probably be miserable there and nobody will enjoy it, as opposed to spending some lovely quality time with grandparents!
Your MIL sounds sensible if she took your poorly child to A&E before, so your child will likely be absolutely fine. Enjoy!

Rosehugger · 09/08/2022 11:13

She'll be fine. DD1 was getting over chickenpox when she was 2 and I went away for a long weekend with friends. All good.

Time away from them is so valuable and necessary when they are small.

Clymene · 09/08/2022 11:25

God the mummy martyrs are out in force today!

Glad you're going OP. Have a fabulous time SmileSmile

BigSandyBalls2015 · 09/08/2022 11:37

Def go OP, it sounds like an amazing trip and a chance for you to be a couple again, and not just mum and dad.

Your DD will be fine with her doting grandparents.

We did a lot of stuff like this (as well as lots of family stuff, before anyone complains!Grin) as we were lucky enough to have very involved in laws when our DDs were small. Now they are in their early 20s and DH and I have great fun travelling on our own again.

In might be coincidence, it might not, but a lot of friends/colleagues who devoted their entire lives to their children do seem to be in a bit of a rocky place now their kids have gone.

Roselilly36 · 09/08/2022 11:42

I would have left my two with my wonderful late MIL without any concerns at all, a number of times we did too for work and leisure trips. Two days will go so quick, just go and enjoy yourselves. It’s not selfish at all IMHO. Have fun Flowers

sweeneytoddsrazor · 09/08/2022 12:02

Mummy martyrs are more scared by the thought their child could actually cope without them for a day or 2 rather than that their child couldn't cope without them. Go and enjoy yourself and definitely make sure there is some frolicking going on

helpfulperson · 09/08/2022 12:16

It's good for children to have other aces they can stay confidently. You never know when an emergency make arise where they have to.

I agree i think some parents are concerned their children will cope without them.

5128gap · 09/08/2022 13:09

sweeneytoddsrazor · 09/08/2022 12:02

Mummy martyrs are more scared by the thought their child could actually cope without them for a day or 2 rather than that their child couldn't cope without them. Go and enjoy yourself and definitely make sure there is some frolicking going on

Absolutely this. Its very self indulgent to deny children the opportunity to build strong bonds with the other adults who love them just to affirm their own importance.

cestlavielife · 09/08/2022 13:41

If the gp happy to have her
Then go
What s the issue?
There is none
You trust them to handle everything