To go abroad without DD?

[MumChats]

DH has a big birthday next month. I booked us a surprise trip abroad (we are UK based, its in Europe) and asked in-laws to have 18-month old DD for 2 nights while we are away. All seemed like a great idea.

We are due to go next month and as the trip approaches i am feeling really bad about leaving DD. In laws are great and she knows and likes them. However we have left her twice recently where it hasn't gone so well and it's niggling me about leaving her again. The first, we left her from about 2pm to 11pm, she was well when we left but within a few hours she'd suddenly become ill and MIL ended up in A&E with her. She was discharged that night after a steroid but it was rattling. The second time we left her overnight with DM. She had a great time, loves DM and was fine when we collected her but as the day went on she seemed out of sorts, fussing quite a lot, cried at bedtime (unusual). Because of those two things, particularly the second where she wasn't herself, I'm worried that leaving her for 2 nights is the wrong thing to do and that maybe she's at an age where it's affecting her emotionally to not know where we are/she misses us.

I've wondered about taking her on the trip, as she's only 18 months i assume i could ring the airline and get her added to my seat. The problem is it's not a toddler-friendly trip. Quite a lot of travel - 1hr30 drive to airport, 2 hr flight, then 2 hr drive, one full day in the country and then travelling home again. Also, the full day we are attending a sporting event and it wont be fun for her. Prefer not to say exactly what but imagine something like a tennis tournament, so there's something going on all day long (not like 90 minute football match type thing). There are some stands but we'll be spectating from viewing points with TV screens and get glimpses of the courts here and there. It will be hot and crowded and is really not something a toddler would enjoy.

So my AIBU I suppose is: given the last couple of times we've left her where it hasn't gone really well, are we being selfish to leave her again? Or would it be selfish to take her on a trip she will not enjoy when she could be having 2 nights with her doting grandparents? I'm really torn.

Cancelling isn't an option. It was a lot of money and was meant to be a big exciting treat for DH (and hopefully on some level still will be)! DH knows about the trip now and thinks we should go without DD. He isn't worried about leaving her but does agree she was a bit upset after we collected her from DM. This is so long thank you for anyone who got to the end! Trying not to drip feed i've included so much info!

Go. Enjoy time with your husband as a couple.

My parents went away together when I was a kid (as well as family holidays) and I think that’s a good, healthy thing. They weren’t ‘just’ parents, and there was nothing wrong with them wanting time to be together sans children.

I suspect it says quite a lot about how @BunnyHopDance sees the strength of her relationship and connection with her children ie…. She would return and they would prefer to stay with granny and grampa

Because I enjoy spending time with my child 90 percent of the time at least. Couldn't imagine leaving them and wouldn't want to. My parents never left me overnight for jollys. I guess I parent the same. My child is my priority and always will be

Having a child for me was a short term sacrifice of holidays alone with my DH. We have other time alone and prioritise our relationship in other ways. But leaving my child for a night at a young age is something i'm not prepared to do.

I also breastfeed and am not happy taking away my daughters favourite form of comfort for no good reason for a period of time.

Each to their own. I don't judge parents who choose to do it as much as i expect them not to judge me for not doing it. I know many parents who do it and some who do it for longer. But it's not me or who I am as a mother.

@Antsinmypantsneedtodance

you can still enjoy weekends away and your child still be your priority

@Antsinmypantsneedtodance

do you never go away overnight without your kids then? Not for a wedding or a hen do or to see your mates who live far away!?

you are entitled to a life too! It’s ok to set time aside and have time away from them in order to do stuff for your Career or to maintain friendships or to spend some quality time with your husband! It doesn’t make you any less of a good mother to do these things

do you not worry what your life will be like when your kids get older and no longer want to spend 90% of the time with you?!

There are no prizes for being a martyr

@LuckySantangelo35

you and I would be fine to leave our child with a loving grandparent i trusted for a weekend away.

others wouldn’t. You don’t need to try to understand or change their mind. It’s their prerogative and unless seething with poison like @BunnyHopDance against those like you and me, just accept @Antsinmypantsneedtodance Stance as it is her stance

@Endlesslypatient82

thank you but I’m not trying to change her mind

I am interested in her perspective though which is the whole point of a forum like this - to hear others views and understand where they’re coming from even if those views really differ to your own

Well said @Endlesslypatient82

@Antsinmypantsneedtodance provided a very clear post on her perspective.

one I don’t share

but respect

Motherhood is not about pandering to your own selfish wants

Interesting. What about fatherhood?

Incidentally, when I became a mother I didn't cease to be a human being in my own right. I hate this martyrish ideal that mother's should not only be bottom of the heap but that they should actively put themselves there! No thanks. I want my children to see me putting myself first sometimes. I want them to feel confident in my love and support and that I won't be bereft once they're adults and move out.

2 nights - of course it's fine l. My dd wound go to my parents for 2 nights while I worked at that age. Maybe she'll be a bit out of sorts after you get back - same as like when they've had fun all day at nursery then cry when they see you. You're not going to cause any long term damage. Of course you shouldn't cancel an expensive trip and the trip sounds totally unsuitable for her

We had children to build a life with them, not to carry on a life as though they didn’t exist.

Going away for ONE weekend equals carrying on a life as though they dont exist. Ok then 😆

Go and enjoy yourself! Me and DH went to a 3 night city break in europe when our son was just shy of 2 and he had a ball at both grandparents!

The martyrs can stay at home and feel superior that they've never left their kids. Good for them.

I know a couple. Both suffer from horrendous anxiety and often use the 'I want to spend all the time with my dc' as excuses to not let them play at friends houses, attend clubs etc. one suggested she was a better parent than me because my dc went to swimming lessons and she wouldn't want that time away. I sat and watched them too. Didn't drop and go Unsurprisingly the dc are all anxious too and with difficult behaviour- likely out of boredom being at home all day with no outside interests. Cry every day on way in to school etc which makes them think they've done a good job that their dc are so attached not realising our job is to help them be confident in the world, not rely on us 24/7

I also find the emotive language ingesting - using the likes of jollies and frolicking to describe a simple trip to see a sports event

😂

The batshittery on these types of threads is fucking outstanding. There’s always a handful of posters that make leaving your kid with a loving relative for a couple of nights analogous to fucking them off to an institution from birth and breezily reappearing when they hit eighteen.

Go. She will be fine. She is with people who love her.The reconnecting time with your DH will be worth it!
It’s natural to feel a bit anxious and guilty but it will be fine. And kids learning to be happy with GPs is a skill in itself!
Enjoy.

I've not spent 1 night away from my DD in the 2 years she's been alive. Tbf i've not really had a need to. No weddings, no hen do's and no friends who live far away. If I had any of these things I'd either take my DD or go for part of it or not at all (I'd rather pull my teeth out than go to a hen do anyway!)

I have a life . A great one at that and that life includes my DD. I make plenty of time for myself and my relationships with friends and my DH. There are a million ways to do this that don't involve abroad trips without my child. Day trips when she's in childcare, nights out with babysitters. In fact I've taken a days leave tomorrow just for me to do what I want to do and that's not unusual. I'm lucky in that I can find a balance without the need to leave my child overnight. I know other mums who struggle with this and the idea of a weekend away without a whiney toddler is absolute bliss. That's cool too, it equally doesn't make you a bad mother. I know for many parents this kind of break actually helps them be a better parent.

I am lucky that I have an incredible employer who are truly family focused and completely flexible with regards balancing mine and my families needs. I also have a DH who has a similar employer that respects that men have a role to play in childcare too. So my career is fine. I realise this is very unusual and the majority of U.K workplaces are not like this.

It's not being a martyr by sacrificing small things or perhaps replacing them with other alternatives for what I feel are in the best interests of my child and family. It's just the role I decided to take on when I chose to have a child. It's for a very small amount of time in relative terms and that's fine for me. When she's grown up then trust me i'll be back jet setting left right and centre. We had a great life together prior to her existence and just because we've paused aspects of that for a bit doesn't mean we can't pick them back up again in the future. Or you know when she's 18 if she wants to go mummy daughter backpacking Gilmore Girls stylee i'm open to that too 😉

Overnight stays are great for the kids as well though. Between my siblings and myself we produced a reasonably high number of grandchildren for my parents. Even if it was just an evening visit to the cinema it was often easier to leave the Dc with GPS overnight. All of us did it at some point and if the GPS couldn't babysit a sibling usually could. By the time all the kids were 3 or 4 they were actively asking for sleep overs with GPS or aunties and asking GpS to take them to their caravan. GPS loved taking the kids to the caravan, sometimes just one family sometime a mix of families. We now have a generation of cousins all grown up who still meet up regularly, still visit GPS regularly and have their own kids that are happy to visit and play with their 2nd cousins.

And further to that I was able to help look after my great niece the other day in an emergency because she is happy to come here as my nephew often visits with her as a result of childhood time spent visiting me.

I remember a poster on here a few years ago who actually seemed proud at never having had a night away from her 18 year old .

Fucking crazy.

I would genuine be so interested to know how @BunnyHopDance would respond if one of her children said they were leaving their toddler for a weekend to stay with their grandparents (let’s be honest - unlikely they’d be asking you @BunnyHopDance i suspect).

would you say as you have done here?

Neither something to be proud of nor embarrassed or ashamed of

As someone who doesn't have anyone to leave my children with for the weekend please go and enjoy yourself!! Get her used to being with them so you can periodically enjoy your time away. My children and 7 and 5 and although my husband and I sometimes go away with friends individually we'd love some time just the two of us! Enjoy every minute. Your child will be fine and if there's a problem Granny can deal with it like they did last time!

Is gallivanting as bad as frollicking?