How to rescind invite?

[Embarrassed22]

Settle down MNers.

I've had a friend staying intermittently for just over a month as she's had some meetings and things in the area and it's genuinely been nice to see her but it's getting so I just want my home back to being mine and not anticipating her next arrival after a few incidents and most recent visit.

She doesn't tidy up after her self like putting pots in the dishwasher or washing up. Basically treats it like a free hotel. I wash her bedding etc. She doesn't even make her bed never mind strip it.

On her most recent visit I struggled to keep my cool. I normally run a dry house. No alcohol or drugs, and smoking outside if guests feel they must. I'm not an alcoholic, recovering or otherwise but I struggle with the smell for MH reasons. Most people respect that. I allowed her to have a drink in my home a few weeks ago as an exception thinking it would be one glass of wine/beer. She downed a full bottle of plonk. It was a one off, so I thought. But then on her last visit, whilst out on an errand but on way home she 'told me', 'i don't care what you say, tonight I'm having a wine I've had a hard week.' Again the whole bottle was sunk, the mess was left for me to clear up but this time worse. She left poo not just unflushed but stains on the seat of the toilet, and after she'd left in the morning I found ominous brown stains on a sofa cushion. I appreciate people experience digestive distress, but there's bleach spray in the bathroom. She could have cleaned up after herself. I've yet to go check the state of the sheets.

She's due again in a couple of days and I want to make it her last visit. But how can I do it without coming out of it like I'm a dick. I like her as a person but I feel my personal boundaries are being pushed. She normally texts me and asks if she can stay x night. I have no life so I can't feign being busy and have no one else who would be using the spare room.

The loo stuff is weird. I couldn’t be friends wirh someone who treated my home like that.

If you want to continue the friendship, make an excuse to cancel this visit (eg covid) and then say actually I’ve decided not to have overnight guests in future as I want my home to feel like a private refuge again but would love to meet you in a cafe when you’re in the area.

If you don’t want to continue the friendship just message something like “Sorry but I can’t have you to stay any more. It was fun at first but now I feel I’m treated like a free hotel, I do all the clearing up etc and you insisting on bringing alcohol in and not flushing your poo or wiping it off the seat was really the last straw. So I’m cancelling the visit on (date).”

@Embarrassed22

The reason I think it would be better to do a 'preemptive' text is because if she knows ahead of time hopefully that will stop her from asking when she sees you an thereby avoid an uncomfortable face to face 'discussion'. Especially if she's the type to be pushy or argumentative. And it sounds as if she is.

There is nothing wrong with keeping a 'dry' home, not one damn thing. It is a personal preference and does NOT need to be justified. I don't have a particularly dry home and I do drink now and again but I'm not one to keep a 'fully stocked bar' or numerous bottles of wine in the house. If I want some wine or a cocktail I'll go get a small bottle of whatever, but once it's gone, it's gone. I've had people be very surprised, even a little huffy, about it. I don't know what it is about the people who get so affronted when they are told 'there's no alcohol in the house' or even if one simply turns down a drink. They act as if you've committed some crime against them or something.

Your house, your rules. I know plenty of people who will not have alcohol in their house.

But your friend is a terrible house guest. Do not worry about looking bad when you tell her no, she cannot stay. She has set the bar so low with her behaviour it should not be a surprise.

Reading this thread.. wow we women are such pushovers sometimes! What would a man do if a male “friend” tried any of this crap?

What “crap” are you referring to?

the “crap” I see is from the OP

As females many if us are bred and trained from an early age to be tolerant people pleasers, non confrontational, and to suck up the shit life throws in our general direction. Going against this can feel very wrong which is why we put up with a lot of shit, literally in this case.

I'd be interested in hearing what crap I have supposedly given my 'friend'?

Was it the ongoing intermittent free (for her at least) room and board?
The not cheap public transport fare lent and not returned?
The repeatedly putting my life and plans on hold to sooth her never ending personal drama?
Maybe I should have held a funnel to her mouth and poured in the wine that pushed my boundaries so she didn't even have to pick up a glass?
Or maybe I should have broken out the baby wipes and suggested she bend over so I could clean her up properly?
Or just maybe I should just let her get aggressive and intimidating to my neighbors and local services staff who were more helpful than they had to be, when I have to continue living here after she's gone?

I've barely slept since she left due to the anxiety she has invoked from her behaviour and drinking this last week. But hell to my welfare, because at some point you deem that I have been 'crap'.

The only positive I can take from this week is that I discovered she hadn't shat the bed when I went upstairs to change the sheets.

I am so sorry!! Wrong thread!!!

Well today CF asked to stay next week. I told her no. Not a permanent no as I was caught off guard (the lack of asking for a few weeks lulled me into a false sense of security).

I feel terrible too. She's just had what will be one of the worst weeks of her life. Not over egging that, not the usual drama, but really heart rending. But I think these events will likely induce another wine event and I just can't do it.

I've been enjoying having my house back plus I'm going away a few days later and need to get the house prepped to be away, hard to do with a messy guest.

Help me stay strong MN.

Everyone has times in their lives when things are awful. Doesn’t make her an6 better a house guest.

and it sounds like she’s been getting worse and worse.

don't feel guilty, things will always come up doesn’t mean you should open your house up for her and allow her to wipe her shorty arse everywhere.

I wouldn't care a whit what has happened to her.

Not a whit.

She is a dirty, disgusting pig of a woman and she has shown she hasn't an ounce of respect for you or your home.

A hard No.

You have absolutely no respect for yourself if you allow such a filthy person back into your home.

If you do, you deserve whatever foul behaviour she exhibits, because you know well what she is like.

Block her and move on.

I know that is harsh, but you need to cop on if you think this is behaviour normal decent people move on from.

She's is utterly filthy.

Just keep saying no OP. Your home is not a hotel. She'll figure something else out - and if she ditches you, that tells you everything about her "friendship".

I'd just message her and say, "I'm really sorry but I'm not up for visitors at the moment."

See my earlier post above for what you should have said at the time.

She sounds absolutely awful.

Tell her that for the sake of your mental health, you think it's best that in future, she find somewhere else to stay. (And then block the cheeky bitch)

What happened last time op?

Remember that. None of the other stuff matters. It's about how she treats you.

“Hi X, hope all good. Won’t be able to have you stay over here anymore I’m afraid, the last time got more stressful than I expected what with cleaning up your poo mess and doing all the housework etc. I guess I’m at an age where I just need my own space. Could meet for our cuppa at a cafe if you’re in area?”

She had a choice about how she behaved.
Last time, she hadn't experienced a terrible week so had no excuse for her behaviour.
There's no need to change your decision because of her situation. It's irrelevant.

It's YOUR home OP so stick to your resolve whatever er sort of week she has had. If you waiver just remember cleaning her poo up last time.

If she pushes you on it, tell her it's a permanent 'no', you can't host her again as there's no going back after her last visit.

Well done for saying no, OP. That’s brilliant progress. How did she react?

Hold firm on this. It would be several steps back to let her in again. Moving forward will get easier the more you do it. And she will get the message and stop asking.

Well done op. Doesn't matter why you don't want her to staycation it's your home and your boundaries.

If she asks again, just tell her you've enjoyed having your house to yourself so won't be having visitors for the foreseeable

Well done. If you feel up to it she can always update you on her life events/have a kind ear at a coffee shop or over the phone. Then you can make an excuse to leave after a set amount of time. But you don't have to allow her into the house and give her your all, and more, to be a kind or helpful friend

Your priority is YOU. It's not your job to salve whatever wounds she is suffering from. You can offer sympathy without opening your home and life to her.

Stay strong.

Seriously? Remind yourself you are not running a free poocation b'n'b.

If she's behaved as she has the last couple of times, when things in her life were normal, imagine the drama and stress and mess she will bring now she's having life difficulties. You are not a rehab.