How to rescind invite?

[Embarrassed22]

Settle down MNers.

I've had a friend staying intermittently for just over a month as she's had some meetings and things in the area and it's genuinely been nice to see her but it's getting so I just want my home back to being mine and not anticipating her next arrival after a few incidents and most recent visit.

She doesn't tidy up after her self like putting pots in the dishwasher or washing up. Basically treats it like a free hotel. I wash her bedding etc. She doesn't even make her bed never mind strip it.

On her most recent visit I struggled to keep my cool. I normally run a dry house. No alcohol or drugs, and smoking outside if guests feel they must. I'm not an alcoholic, recovering or otherwise but I struggle with the smell for MH reasons. Most people respect that. I allowed her to have a drink in my home a few weeks ago as an exception thinking it would be one glass of wine/beer. She downed a full bottle of plonk. It was a one off, so I thought. But then on her last visit, whilst out on an errand but on way home she 'told me', 'i don't care what you say, tonight I'm having a wine I've had a hard week.' Again the whole bottle was sunk, the mess was left for me to clear up but this time worse. She left poo not just unflushed but stains on the seat of the toilet, and after she'd left in the morning I found ominous brown stains on a sofa cushion. I appreciate people experience digestive distress, but there's bleach spray in the bathroom. She could have cleaned up after herself. I've yet to go check the state of the sheets.

She's due again in a couple of days and I want to make it her last visit. But how can I do it without coming out of it like I'm a dick. I like her as a person but I feel my personal boundaries are being pushed. She normally texts me and asks if she can stay x night. I have no life so I can't feign being busy and have no one else who would be using the spare room.

Maybe it's the coward's way out, but I'd probably text or email her. I hate confrontations and if she texts or emails a nasty response, you can just ignore her.

It's not the coward's way, it's just sensible, and self-protective. Someone this entitled and shameless would probably either go off at you, or twist things until you aren't sure of your own mind. Brief text. Await sulking or explosion. Block, if able/appropriate!

I agree with this. A bottle of wine now and again isn't something I'd be upset about. I'd never expect as a house guest to be expected to change bedding or strip sheets.

BUT I'd clear up after myself, and the loo thing isn't just gross, It's bizarre!

If you're not happy, It's your home and ultimately your call who stays in it and how your house rules are. Just tell her it isn't working for you any longer.

There's a few people who have called me 'weird' about the wine now. But this is one of only three hard house rules I gave her, as I would anyone, when agreeing to her first stay. I understand that for some people a bottle of wine after work is their normal and that's fine. But for me it's not. I'm uncomfortable with the smell, and I am uncomfortable around those under the influence. If not drinking was a problem she should have stayed elsewhere. If a potential guest thinks it's weird or rude then they're not a friend who respects my boundaries.

I'm not ready to message before she asks. I'm hoping she'll see her unacceptable behaviour yesterday and not come back out of shame. My worry about the face to face request is that she'll ask me when she sees me at work.

If you don't feel confident enough to say no can you just say you have family or another friend staying? After the next couple of weeks have passed just block her to take that anxiety of dealing with her away.

You do know it's your home and you are allowed to not have guest at any time you want.

There literally don't have to be a reason at all. There is no obligation for friends to stay in your home unless you choose to have them there.

You can literally say I no longer wish to have guest stay over. That is your choice.
Nobody needs permission for this.

Nobody should ever feel uncomfortable in there own home.

And to be honest real friends respect each others boundaries.

So she shit on one your cushions and all over your toilet and didn’t even attempt to clean it up? What a gem.

Next time she wants to stay just be firm and tell her it didn’t go well last time so you can’t host her again. If she wants examples just tell her exactly what you told us- she broke one of your only house rules and is a messy pig!

Your an adult just say no you don't need a reason although personally I'd tell her it's because she's disgusting and dirty

This is very, very good.

wow, that’s far too much to ask of you OP!

Just message her as soon as she leaves after the next visit ( because 2 days is very short notice).
Hi friend, I would be grateful if you could stay elsewhere when you come to the area next time. Happy to catch up/ meet for a coffee at some point, if you fancy.
I wouldn’t give an explanation tbh. She’s clearly using you as a doormat

And that’s your boundary. You should have it.

Dgad about who on here doesn’t mind wind. It’s not what you’re concerned about. No wind in your house, anyone who stays there should accept it. They’ve the option to not stay,

There's a few people who have called me 'weird' about the wine now. But this is one of only three hard house rules I gave her, as I would anyone, when agreeing to her first stay. I understand that for some people a bottle of wine after work is their normal and that's fine. But for me it's not. I'm uncomfortable with the smell, and I am uncomfortable around those under the influence. If not drinking was a problem she should have stayed elsewhere. If a potential guest thinks it's weird or rude then they're not a friend who respects my boundaries.

You shouldn't have to explain, OP. This thread is not about other posters' preferences. It's about your very simple request from a house guest on the receiving end of a series of massive favours. She told you she 'doesn't care' about your wine rule and then royally abused your friendship. This is not someone you should worry about upsetting. Enjoy your peaceful home

This all sounds a bit of a nightmare!

I agree about the wine thing, I like a glass of wine but not if I'm staying with someone who doesn't drink, plus a whole bottle in one night is excessive.

In fairness to you @Embarrassed22 , I honestly think you need to cut this off at the chase so better to have her gone since yesterday and now start today off as a blank page but get in there first by sending her a message either by email or text saying that you're absolutely exhausted after cleaning up after her this time and you're just not up to hosting her again for the foreseeable. You're giving her plenty of time to find alternative places to stay when she is next in the area.
If you wanted to be helpful (though there is no requirement for you to do this), you could say that you've heard great things about X and Y places and they are quite reasonably priced too.

There would be no way to misinterpret a message like that but if it's done politely (and I don't doubt that it wouldn't be polite) then she really can't complain.

Agree with @LookItsMeAgain otherwise you will be constantly worrying and thinking about it - also agree about the wine criticism from pp’s - it’s your boundary and no-one else’s place to criticise

You don’t sound weird at all. I’m not at all comfortable around men who have been drinking because of my history. Everyone deserves to feel safe in their home. Safety is much more than being physically out of harm’s way, but also emotional security. She sounds awful, @Embarrassed22. Clearly has no idea what a generous friend you are.

As soon as you said the friendship flourished quickly, I saw red flags. Especially as you seem to be someone who would be cautious around letting people in very quickly (which is not a criticism at all).

I know someone like this. Makes very close, very intense friendships very quickly. Goes from being a stranger to staying over with people in a very short space of time, almost becoming a daily fixture in their lives.

At the start most people don't see the red flags, as they are so flattering, charismatic, entertaining and seem so so interested in you. Then once they are 'in' the behaviour changes.

Do not feel bad about completely distancing yourself from this person. I imagine you are by no means the first to do so.

There is also absolutely nothing wrong with asking people not to drink in your home. I love a drink, but if I was staying with someone I knew was tea total, I would never bring alcohol into their house unless they encouraged it. To bring alcohol in even after you asked her not to is rude and inconsiderate beyond belief.

So agree with this.

Nothing weird about the drink boundary.

You are not the first person to be used by her.

This is not someone to have in your life.

Are you likely to see her at work before she contacts you about staying again?

If not, you really should try and contact her before she comes up again. But you could you just try and put her off at work with something like:
Let’s keep to the professional at work. Call me when you’re out, I’ll be free after X o’clock.

And then move off to do something else. If she persists:
I don’t want to talk about this at work. Call me after.

You might also want to talk to HR about it. You don’t feel safe around her and if she’s at your place of work that’s an HR issue. I don’t mean that you should go in and demand she is kept out of your office or anything (unless the incident was egregious and something that means she probably should be kept out of your or anyone else’s office). But giving them a heads up and making sure that any company “knowledge” of your friendship with her is updated, that she won’t be deliberately paired with you for any work thing if it’s avoidable and that she can’t claim your friendship means she can rely on you for something. Ask if they have any protocols or suggestions for keeping your distance and ensuring she remains professional. But remember, their role is to protect the company, not you. So temper your expectations and the information you give them.

@Embarrassed22

if she is working in a professional capacity with your company you can just simply say “as we are likely to work together professionally it’s best if you can stay in a hotel” so no conflict of interest blah blah

why doesn’t she get expenses and accommodation if she is travelling on business

There's nothing odd about not wanting people to drink in your house, OP.

There's nothing worse than tipsy people slurring their words when you're sober. It's annoying. For all people know on here you could be a recovering alcoholic.

Your house, your rules.

Hey op, I'm not sure if anyone else has asked, but she got shit on your cushions???? Did you check whether it was actual shit? I'm sorry but if it is, that is so fucking rank, that alone would be enough for me and I'd tell her why. Hope you're ok op, sorry she sounds like a user

Thanks for backing me up on the alcohol guys. I know it's not typical and I've had some nastiness about it in the past from friends of friends.

It's not an HRable thing. And I know she doesn't get expenses. Luckily it's been tumbleweed today. No messages at all today.

@boomoohoo I didn't check too closely. Just put it straight in the machine. It was brown, wasn't there earlier in the day (pre toilet dirtiness) and shaping looked like a wiped finger. (Vom)

Can you message her and say you'd prefer to keep your friendship as a purely professional one as you've struggled with her refusing to accept your house rules and feel disrespected.

@Embarrassed22 wow, that is so disgusting, what a complete scummer, and just how disrespectful to you. Well done for getting rid of this person from your life!

I don't think the alcohol thing is weird, I don't like the smell, I don't enjoy the company of most pissed people, I don't want it in my house.

OH has a very occasional drink, but it tends to be rum which I don't mind the smell of and he doesn't ever get pissed, its one rum and coke every 6 months or so, which is a very different prospect to a stinky (yes it does it stinks and so do wine drinkers whilst drinking and shortly afterward) bottle of wine or beer or lager and a pissed up person in the house.

Your house, your rules!

My 'other people find this weird' rule in my house is that no one has screaming arguments, not with me, not with other people in my house, not with people down the phone when in my house and they don't recount screaming arguments to me (or anyone else) in my house either if it means they get all riled up.

I find such things trigger PTSD and bring me back to moments in my childhood and adolescence that were fucking awful, so as its my house, i won't tolerate it.

I have banned people from my home for this rule!

Fingers x ex-friend will fuck off and not ask again or if she does, its after this work thing!