Am I normal- Never had sex

[Glitterdiamonds]

this isn’t a troll post (although I know that’s exactly what a troll would say) but MN can verify im a regular poster but I’ve just changed my username.

im worried that there’s something wrong with me, or that im really ugly or weird or something.

im still a virgin and im 24 and a half years old. All my friends my age have had sex and im the only one who hasn’t.

ive had boyfriends but the relationships were very short term so whilst I’ve obviously kissed and been intimate with a guy before, I’ve never actually had sex. I’ve got lots of guy friends and I get on really well with them. I’m definitely not asexual because I do feel attracted to guys and I’ve got nothing against having sex, it just feels like the opportunity has never really happened (I guess covid hasn’t helped either but that’s only the last 2 years). But it’s happened for everyone else so it must be me that’s the problem

lifestyle-wise I’m like most of my friends. I get acrylics, lashes, fake tan, go to the gym (I’m not saying that’s the only way to have sex obviously I just mean I’m exactly the same as my friends and they’ve all had sex and I haven’t.)

the only thing I can really think of is that growing up, I was a bit too obsessed with having a successful life as an adult- I had a really shit childhood and had this picture in my mind of what I wanted my future to be like and I was determined nothing would get in my way. I wanted to have a really successful career in a city where I can wear louboutins everyday, a big house, and to basically have my shit together! I remember telling myself when I was a teen that I should study and work until im making a 6 figure salary so I have a successful life before I think about getting dragged down by a boyfriend! This attitude carried on until I was early 20s and by then all my friends had had sex and i was left behind. I was popular and went to parties and was the same as everyone else, I just didn’t want any to have casual sex (I’m not saying there’s anything wrong with casual sex, it just isnt what I want) and I guess I see sex=tied down with a relationship and I don’t want that.

Obviously this attitude changed softened as I got older and I did have some boyfriends, but the relationships ended before we got serious enough to have sex. I think I got scared that if the relationship got serious they would be a distraction or something, I dunno, so we broke up and I never had sex. Repeat that situation a few times and then covid hit and I’ve been single ever since.

i studied really hard in and after school and am starting my dream job- but all my friends did the same AND had boyfriends and are not virgins at 24 years old!

im so scared there’s something wrong with me, or that I’m a massive freak or even uglier than I already think I am. I don’t want to be a virgin at 50 but it’s looking like that’s going to be me😥I’m so scared of sex now as well- nobody will expect me to be a virgin at this age so I won’t know what to do and it’s going to be awful. I honestly think I’ll freeze and completely panic.

i dont know why I’m posting this, I’m just having a bit of an identify crisis at the moment and feel like such a freak compared to my friends.

It's unusual but you're not 'not normal' op

There's nothing wrong with you and you should be really proud of your accomplishments so far. You're still so young!!

Seriously, I'm envious of your achievements and all the things you do to take care of yourself. It sounds lovely

If you really want sex. Go to a bar. Have a few drinks.. find a nice guy and..
It's not that hard to find a guy that would be up for it

You just have to rip the bandage of.

Don't forget you ARE normal
NOT a freak
But it is kinda weird that you still are a virgin at 24 considering you say you would actually want to do the deed

Just plan a weekend. Have a few girlfriends there with you at the pub.

Why should she be proud @twoandcooplease ?? Are you saying that people who lose their virginity at 18 are ...what?gross?they should be ashamed?

People get so many messages of how they should be and how they should feel it can create an unreasonable pressure.

You obviously have goals other than having some random anonymous sex with a stranger ( no judgement on those that give it a go). You didn't want to so you didn't. That's a very good thing.

Chances are you'll meet someone.

@Marvellousmadness I think the accomplishments referred to are the academic / career progress

I know it doesn't feel like that but you are still very young. There's nothing wrong with you. You have just had different priorities and that's ok. There will be people out there who wish they had focussed more on their studies and getting their career started than on relationships.

Try not to put so much pressure on yourself. You seem to have no difficulties meeting men and entering relationships. So When you are in a relationship and you feel the time is right and the person is right it will happen.

You are starting yOur dream job. That's amazing. Congratulations!!

Thanks toast

@Marvellousmadness she should be proud of everything she has achieved and accomplished by 24
Did you read the op? She was determined to have a specific life and managed to get it. It wasn't a snarky comment

Hi OP,

There is absolutely nothing wrong with you.
I wasn't a virgin at your age, but the amount of sexual partners I'd had by the time I was mid twenties was a grand total of 1 - because I'd been in a relationship. That was totally down to chance and if I hadn't have met him it would have been a total of zero, and we all know who you meet and when and if it works out is pretty much random dumb luck/chance. And the pandemic has taken chances away that you might have had.

I also started a relationship with a guy in my late twenties and he disclosed that he was a virgin. He was a lovely person, absolutely gorgeous, successful professionally, absolutely nothing wrong with him either and it didn't put me off at all. He'd just not had 'the" relationship/the right opportunity either.

Sex and relationships can come with a lot of heartache and consequences too, especially when you're younger. I'd be proud you have set yourself up so well and you're ready to take the next step from such a secure personal position when it feels right to you.

Anyone would be lucky for you to share your body with them, I'm sure.

You do you. You're fine just as you are.

Hey, you say you had a rough childhood and your relationships broke off when there was more intimacy which seemed to spark a fear.

I wonder if you've had any therapy for this? A fear of relationships and intimacy is a really common effect of trauma. People can push intimacy out because deep down they learned that relationships/other people are unsafe. Our closest family teaches us how to 'attach' and form relationships and if they don't do that, or they are a source of fear rather than comfort, we might not learn how.

I just say that because you sound a lot like me when I was younger - I knew there was something different, I just couldn't put my finger on it, but I couldn't get close to people the way it seemed like everyone else could. I too had rough childhood and adolescent experiences and only focused on achievement (and achieved a lot as it seems you have too!). That turned out to be due to a deep seated fear and avoidance stemming from my earlier experiences.

Anyway, there's nothing wrong with you, just something to think about. Good luck x

[Disclaimer: I am old enough to be your mother! I have a teenage daughter and a young adult daughter 😊. ]

A First of all you are young and I bet anything that, partly owing to Covid, and partly just because, there are more people in your situation than you might imagine. Being a virgin is nothing to be ashamed of, and I disagree with previous posters that it's unusual or wierd. I know for a fact my nephew (who is a perfectly regular guy) was a virgin until he was about 23 so don't let anyone (especially yourself) think less of you for that. The prevailing rhetoric on line is that everyone is out there having fun and hooking up but honestly there are as many young adults sat in their bedrooms on a screen struggling with making good connections with others.

B Please don't call yourself a freak or wierd or ugly. That is a terrible way to think about yourself. If a friend of yours was a virgin at 24, would you describe her that way? No you would not!

C You have a lot to be proud of so own it! You have studied hard. You are ambitious for yourself and have determined upon a good career. You have found your dream job! You didn't or don't find the thought of casual sex that appealing. What's wrong with that? Absolutely nothing! You need belief and confidence in yourself nothing more. You don't have to be the same as everyone else - not even your friends - to somehow be "valid".

D If you want to to, you are perfectly entitled to stick to your guns and hold out for a relationship. Don't sleep with someone casually out of fear that you are different somehow. When you meet someone you have the perfect excuse (not that you need one imho) of Covid and that you were focusing on your studies. Relax and chill!

E Maybe, owing to your difficult childhood, this is a form of self protection. You needed, subconsciously, to know you were set on the right career path and 'safe" before you could trust someone enough to have sex with them? If so, that is also very understandable and pragmatic. But if you feel you might benefit some rl support, then go and chat to a licensed psychologist for a few sessions. You mention an identity crisis and that's not unusual for someone your age. Everyone says the teen years are the most difficult but I think it's the early twenties. Up to now, everything has been theoretical, and now it's about walking the walk. You are going through lots of change. Your first proper job. . Your first relationship. Maybe moving away and renting independently or living with other young professionals? For the first time you are making choices and defining who you are for yourself. A licensed psychologist may be able to help you with that transition.

Good luck! You sound like an amazing young woman. Stand tall and be proud of yourself

@Marvellousmadness jeezo talk about deliberately misunderstanding something

OP you’re not a freak. Just let it happen and don’t think too much about it. Well done on achieving all your goals btw. It sounds like you’ve done well for yourself despite your start in life

There is nothing wrong with you. And no, it's not unusual. The question is do you want to get laid or do you want a relationship were you get laid ? It's two very different things. At 24 you can get laid in a couple of minutes - yes I am exaggerating, but I'm an old person, so comparatively to me let's say you can get laid at lightyear speed if you wanted to, I don't think this is what this post is about. Having sex would not prove that you do not have fear of intimacy, because having sex with a random stranger is not exactly the place were you will find true intimacy anyway (it goes way beyond the physical stuff). Now you are in a place that you have achieved some of your goals and your are wanting this new bit that did not matter that much before. You are in a good place. Please don't go in a bar and get laid just to make a point. You put high standards in anything you do. Get in a meaningful relationship and have a positive memorable experience. It's not a race. Sex is awesome when it's meaningful. It's not because you are hungry that you don't know the difference between 5 stars Michelin meal and shit if you see what I mean. So get yourself a guy that suits you and enjoy all the process to get there. I imagine that you would plan your first time so that you are the more relaxed as you can be, with someone you know in a nice place and being fully aware of anything that's going to happen because why would you want to forget anything. So no I'm not in the one night stand camp. It's takes more then one night to "get there" usually. You are very young. You did well with your achievements right now and I wish you all the best with this new chapter that you have decided to start on your own terms.
I would add my weird bit what nobody added here, do you have conservative ideas about getting married before having sex, or are least being in a long standing relationship? Do just that. Do what suits you because at the end of the day, you are the only one who can make sure your expectations are met, and you are the only one who will be disappointed if they are not.

*If you really want sex. Go to a bar. Have a few drinks.. find a nice guy and..
It's not that hard to find a guy that would be up for it

You just have to rip the bandage of.*

This is terrible advice. Don't do that.

Nothing wrong with not wanting casual sex OP, despite our hook up culture. We are forced to pretend sex is just for fun and meaningless but it's not.

Im sure it will happen in time.

Read the OPs post properly.

There is really nothing wrong with you at all. Whilst lots of people your age will have had sex, for a lot of them it might not be a regular occurance. Don't worry about being a virgin really. Many people might have 'done the deed' so to speak but still lack any confidence or experience at sex which are the things that tend to make it good. You sound very sensible so don't let this become a big deal in your head. You are totally normal and when you meet the right person it will just feel.rught and happen. I bet there a thousands of people reading this thread who look back and wonfer if they shouldn't have waited a bit longer or for someone more meaningful for their first time.

There is absolutely nothing wrong with you. I’m 31 and trust me you’ll look back and realise there was no rush, nothing to be ashamed of, and you will meet someone that you want to have sex with when it’s right for you. Your life and your decisions are on your terms, no one else's. The last thing you want to do is rush it with just anyone and regret it (unless of course you decide you want to do it with just anyone, then that’s absolutely fine too!). You sound like you have a “good head on your shoulders” in my opinion and you’ll enjoy great sex soon enough stop putting pressure on yourself x

Whilst there is nothing wrong with casual sex as you have described, I really think you are missing out on something more meaningful, drunk sex with some random from bar is never going to be mind blowing and op is not 'kinda weird' for wanting to wait a bit.

I have certainly had more than one friend who were practicing Christians and so they chose to wait till marriage and for one of them that was at 37 so I don't think it weird to wait till you are older, just because the majority of people in our society tend to do it at an earlier age. If you want to it certainly is not hard to find someone willing to relieve you of your status I know that much. I don't think 24 is so old, but there are probably less people at your age in your position, but nothing weird about it.

I was one of those (30 when I married), have lots of other friends who are the same including one absolutely lovely couple, very much in love, who married in their 50s 😊

Slightly different from you OP in that we made a conscious choice - but there is absolutely nothing wrong with not having had sex, at any stage of your life. If anything I’m in admiration of you getting your life plan together (I always just sort of drifted along with life).

Just a few (alright, half a dozen) decades ago there would have been nothing unusual about it either. And compromising on the way you want to have sex (ie outside a meaningful relationship, just to get it out of the way, when that’s not what you want) is terrible advice!

(Wasn’t accusing you of giving terrible advice @chiweenie - just realised it might have come across that way. Was referring to an earlier post.)

Nothing wrong with that at all and not weird.
My (young adult & adult) kids are not rushing into it.

I’ve had a talk with them that, for the boys, once you start having sex it essentially means you accept having a baby. Contraception can fail. Women can tell furfies. So if you want to have sex it means you are accepting a baby if that occurs as they are not in the position of making a choice unlike women, but will have a choice made for them. I’ve also been very detailed on what younger parenthood means vs waiting until established in a career/financially secure/ability to have the lifestyle you want instead of what you need to settle for etc.

The talk, for girls, was essentially the same as for the boys except they do have a choice, so invariably they are better off than the boys. However, it was also made clear that there would be no living at home with a baby, if that’s the choice you make then you are responsible for fully supporting your baby without us propping you up.

Needless to say mine are waiting😁.

Ignore @Marvellousmadness.

There's nothing wrong with not having had sex by 24. You're clearly doing the sensible thing and waiting until you're serious with someone rather than rushing into it!

Not normal in the sense that a lot of people have had sex before 24. But who cares about being normal?

Please do not just go off and have sex with anyone, that’s terrible advice and could scar you for life.
I was having sex at 17 but wasn’t sure what all the fuss was about, it was just a lot of pushing and shoving. I didn’t have an orgasm until I came off the pill.
My niece was asexual - she assumed she was a lesbian but didn’t fancy women either - until 25 when she met a man who got her juices flowing ! She moved in within 6 months and is happy.
Don’t force it, let it come to you.