Am I normal- Never had sex

[Glitterdiamonds]

this isn’t a troll post (although I know that’s exactly what a troll would say) but MN can verify im a regular poster but I’ve just changed my username.

im worried that there’s something wrong with me, or that im really ugly or weird or something.

im still a virgin and im 24 and a half years old. All my friends my age have had sex and im the only one who hasn’t.

ive had boyfriends but the relationships were very short term so whilst I’ve obviously kissed and been intimate with a guy before, I’ve never actually had sex. I’ve got lots of guy friends and I get on really well with them. I’m definitely not asexual because I do feel attracted to guys and I’ve got nothing against having sex, it just feels like the opportunity has never really happened (I guess covid hasn’t helped either but that’s only the last 2 years). But it’s happened for everyone else so it must be me that’s the problem

lifestyle-wise I’m like most of my friends. I get acrylics, lashes, fake tan, go to the gym (I’m not saying that’s the only way to have sex obviously I just mean I’m exactly the same as my friends and they’ve all had sex and I haven’t.)

the only thing I can really think of is that growing up, I was a bit too obsessed with having a successful life as an adult- I had a really shit childhood and had this picture in my mind of what I wanted my future to be like and I was determined nothing would get in my way. I wanted to have a really successful career in a city where I can wear louboutins everyday, a big house, and to basically have my shit together! I remember telling myself when I was a teen that I should study and work until im making a 6 figure salary so I have a successful life before I think about getting dragged down by a boyfriend! This attitude carried on until I was early 20s and by then all my friends had had sex and i was left behind. I was popular and went to parties and was the same as everyone else, I just didn’t want any to have casual sex (I’m not saying there’s anything wrong with casual sex, it just isnt what I want) and I guess I see sex=tied down with a relationship and I don’t want that.

Obviously this attitude changed softened as I got older and I did have some boyfriends, but the relationships ended before we got serious enough to have sex. I think I got scared that if the relationship got serious they would be a distraction or something, I dunno, so we broke up and I never had sex. Repeat that situation a few times and then covid hit and I’ve been single ever since.

i studied really hard in and after school and am starting my dream job- but all my friends did the same AND had boyfriends and are not virgins at 24 years old!

im so scared there’s something wrong with me, or that I’m a massive freak or even uglier than I already think I am. I don’t want to be a virgin at 50 but it’s looking like that’s going to be me😥I’m so scared of sex now as well- nobody will expect me to be a virgin at this age so I won’t know what to do and it’s going to be awful. I honestly think I’ll freeze and completely panic.

i dont know why I’m posting this, I’m just having a bit of an identify crisis at the moment and feel like such a freak compared to my friends.

@Leafy3 hahaha !

actually it’s better if she searches “virgin in your 20’s” ! I just tried it and lots of people have stories !

@LuckySantangelo35 I think the point is that the op shouldn't feel she has to do it in any particular way and that while the advice just to hook up to rip the bandage off might be great for some people, from the op's posts it doesn't sound like the right approach for her and may end up making her feel worse.

I was 24 when I first had sex. I'd had girlfriends and fooled around, but it never felt right. I too was focused on not messing up my life having had a difficult childhood. I'm 50 now, married with kids, and to be honest, no regrets. Make friends, find a connection, be open to it, and if it feels right then great. Don't ever feel bad for having the integrity to not settle for less than that. Sex with someone you love and trust is just lovely though, nothing to fear.

Not understanding basic words and how to use them however does

Damned by your own.

Have sex when you want to, don't worry about anyone else. I was 21 with a guy I was in love with and had been going out with for 6 months. We were together for 10 years. It was romantic and beautiful. We loved each other, we were by the sea. It was perfect.

I didn't have sex with anyone before for a variety of reasons - too young, wasn't with them long enough, wanted to know that I would be in a position to have a child if i were to get pregnant. It wasn't because i didn't have any chances before.

I lost my virginity at 27…I chose to wait for marriage (in hindsight, now I’m getting divorced..don’t know if I’d do that again!). But - I was 23 before I got with anyone where I felt proper sexual arousal. I knew I was straight, knew I fancied men but anyone I kissed etc, I didn’t feel much. I honestly thought there was something wrong with me!
Then I met my first long term boyfriend at 23 and it was like “Oh! This is what all the fuss is about!). We didn’t have sex (both wanted to wait for marriage) but then I got it. When I met STBXH, he was patient and understanding. Our first time was uncomfortable for me but got better quickly.
I know there’s been a lot of debate about what’s “normal” on this thread, but I think sex is such a personal thing. Everyone has different preferences and it’s fine to wait until you meet someone you truly like! I’m now facing the prospect of dating as a 40 year old who has only had one partner. I won’t be jumping into bed with just anyone (but I’m not waiting for marriage either!).
I would second the suggestion of having some therapy to explore your childhood given how much it’s impacted on your life and how it’s likely to impact on your relationships. Good luck with it all!

I honestly don’t think you are particularly unusual, OP. Covid robbed us all of two years of our lives, and you certainly won’t be the only one who has missed out on things, so it’s time to start catching up.

You seem to be building sex up to be something more important than it really is. Just because you shag someone, it doesn’t automatically mean you are in a ‘serious’ relationship with them which will lead to marriage & 2.4 children. Do you have friends you trust who could set you up on dates with someone who they know is single, fanciable and a nice guy? If he is nice, he certainly won’t mind that you are inexperienced. You could set out to have some fun with him without it necessarily leading to anything serious.

Good grief OP, you are not abnormal! I was 37 before I met anyone who I wanted to have sex with. I had offers an opportunities before then, but I did not want casual sex. (I also lived in a time and an area when it was difficult to find a guy of my age who wasn't - gross!).

There seems to be a huge pressure on young people to go out and get laid as quickly as possible, and it is easy for individuals to feel that there is something 'wrong' with them if they do not.

I just did not have a high sex drive, and I wanted sex to be something that developed from a loving relationship. Like the OP, I had plenty of things in my life to give me a sense of self esteem and a quick shag was not on my agenda.

There is nothing wrong with people who want to have a few sexual partners when they are young, there is nothing wrong with people who would rather wait and there is nothing wrong with people who remain virgins.

I'd had loads of sex by the time I was your age and it was all crap because I was immature, had low self esteem and shagged whoever was around when I was drunk, which I think couldn't remember. I'd say your choices are far more positive than mine!!

Yes you're normal. You just haven't taken the plunge with anyone yet. That's your choice and it's the right one for you - you didn't want rubbish teenage sex or casual sex and you haven't felt up to being with a boyfriend yet.

That's OK. That's totally normal, if not usual, and 24 is very young.

If you want to wait until you're in a long term relationship then it will happen then. Don't get too caught up in it or anxious just do it when you trust and love the person if that's what you want to wait for.

There is nothing wrong with you. Sounds like you are doing really well in life and you simply haven't met the right person or the time has not been right. Lots of people just feel the social pressure to get the 'deed done'. I think its sad that young teenagers feel this pressure and just start having sex for the sake of fitting in with the crowd way before they are ready for this sort of relationship.

Sounds like you have great values and this has translated to your relationships.

Also - 24yrs is nowhere near 50!!

so I am similar to you, but a bit older. One big difference but have only had like 1 proper relationship and a couple of like little things here and there but nothing major

no you are not abnormal for wanting to have actual intimacy before having sex with people. Bit yes it is slightly abnormal that you haven’t (considering you’re cute, successful, honest, self aware, young and look after yourself)

i realised I avoided intimacy bit just assumed it was wrong person, wrong time, no one from work, no one with A, has to have B
it wasn’t that I was picky; I just liked the excuse

so anyone I am now late 30s and yeah, I have no idea if I would even know what to do

so if I could go back and give myself some advice when I was 24, I’d have some actual therapy about intimacy and attachment
not sex, not boyfriends, not doing the deed, not self esteem or any of the secondary issues
about the root cause of the fear and/or avoidance

good luck you sound really special so I hope you meet someone on your level
and don’t settle for anyone just to get it out of the way :)

Why are people saying this is normal?!

it’s not, it’s pathological - op is avoiding physical and emotional intimacy as an ongoing response to childhood trauma

It’s an understandable response but lets not pretend it’s pathological. It’s something Op could benefit from therapy for should she wish.

Mumsnet isn't exactly a good place to look for relationship advice. Most posters are on their second or subsequent relationship or simply want a man to have babies. Many see sex as a social activity like having a drink. You'll find people who want a great relationship and will put up with poor sex if the relationship is good, others will go with a poor relationship because of the good sex. Some don't care once they have their child and are happy with neither sex nor relationship.

There is no right or wrong only what you are happy with. From what you say you're looking for someone to love and love you, don't settle for less. Certainly don't go sleeping around just because you can.

Hi OP - first of all I'd say there is no "normal" and there is nothing "wrong" with you.

Due to your background, you chose to focus very specifically on academic and professional acheivement, which seems to be working out very well for you - congratulations on the job!

As PP have said, you have no trouble meeting guys or starting relationships so it's not as if you're painfully shy or socially awkward. I would also argue that it is important to have a strong sense of boundaries and a sense of what you yourself want. You clearly don't want to just jump into bed with the first passing man, otherwise you'd have done that, and if virginity or the first time has become a bit of a thing in your head, I'd avoid the first passing man as it will be crap.

It is important that you listen to your own voice. A PP suggested therapy to explore why you might end relationships when there is a possibility of commitment and this could be helpful to you. I would also say that just having a third party tell you that you are normal, everything is fine, and that you can explore your own sexual identity in your own time is also helpful. We trust professionals.

If you want to sleep with someone thenyou absolutely should, at any time that it feels right to you. But it is very important thatyou listen to yourself and that it DOES feel right to you.

I think you're being deliberately disingenuous. 1 in 8 is not 'unusual'. It isn't a majority, sure, but that doesn't mean it's unusual. Just like red cars are not unusual. You see them all the time.

It's the implication that there's something wrong with being an 'older' virgin that people are responding to.

There are lots of healthy, happy people who lost their virginity in their 20s. It doesn't make them weird. Sex is a very personal thing and we all have different preferences and different things we're comfortable with.

I personally did not feel ready at 17 or 18, I don't think that's particularly strange.

In OP's specific case there may well be underlying issues and therapy would be a good idea (not specifically to help her have sex but to help her work through any trauma that may be affecting her now). However for lots of people it's simply choice and/or opportunity. If you don't want a random hook up and your first relationship happens at 24, what's so terrible about that?

@bumblingblockhead

lol statistically there will be more red cars relative to cars than 24 year olds who haven’t had sex relative to 24 years old who have

it is unusual

not sure why so many posters are taking umbrage with this

unusual doesn’t mean bad. Although in OP’s case it is in the sense that she is not having sex not because she doesn’t want to or wants to wait until marriage or whatever and as such is making a choice. She is not having sex out of fear based avoidance. That’s not normal or usual.