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AIBU?

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Original poster

Am I normal- Never had sex

179 replies

Glitterdiamonds · 09/08/2022 02:11

this isn’t a troll post (although I know that’s exactly what a troll would say) but MN can verify im a regular poster but I’ve just changed my username.

im worried that there’s something wrong with me, or that im really ugly or weird or something.

im still a virgin and im 24 and a half years old. All my friends my age have had sex and im the only one who hasn’t.

ive had boyfriends but the relationships were very short term so whilst I’ve obviously kissed and been intimate with a guy before, I’ve never actually had sex. I’ve got lots of guy friends and I get on really well with them. I’m definitely not asexual because I do feel attracted to guys and I’ve got nothing against having sex, it just feels like the opportunity has never really happened (I guess covid hasn’t helped either but that’s only the last 2 years). But it’s happened for everyone else so it must be me that’s the problem

lifestyle-wise I’m like most of my friends. I get acrylics, lashes, fake tan, go to the gym (I’m not saying that’s the only way to have sex obviously I just mean I’m exactly the same as my friends and they’ve all had sex and I haven’t.)

the only thing I can really think of is that growing up, I was a bit too obsessed with having a successful life as an adult- I had a really shit childhood and had this picture in my mind of what I wanted my future to be like and I was determined nothing would get in my way. I wanted to have a really successful career in a city where I can wear louboutins everyday, a big house, and to basically have my shit together! I remember telling myself when I was a teen that I should study and work until im making a 6 figure salary so I have a successful life before I think about getting dragged down by a boyfriend! This attitude carried on until I was early 20s and by then all my friends had had sex and i was left behind. I was popular and went to parties and was the same as everyone else, I just didn’t want any to have casual sex (I’m not saying there’s anything wrong with casual sex, it just isnt what I want) and I guess I see sex=tied down with a relationship and I don’t want that.

Obviously this attitude changed softened as I got older and I did have some boyfriends, but the relationships ended before we got serious enough to have sex. I think I got scared that if the relationship got serious they would be a distraction or something, I dunno, so we broke up and I never had sex. Repeat that situation a few times and then covid hit and I’ve been single ever since.

i studied really hard in and after school and am starting my dream job- but all my friends did the same AND had boyfriends and are not virgins at 24 years old!

im so scared there’s something wrong with me, or that I’m a massive freak or even uglier than I already think I am. I don’t want to be a virgin at 50 but it’s looking like that’s going to be me😥I’m so scared of sex now as well- nobody will expect me to be a virgin at this age so I won’t know what to do and it’s going to be awful. I honestly think I’ll freeze and completely panic.

i dont know why I’m posting this, I’m just having a bit of an identify crisis at the moment and feel like such a freak compared to my friends.

OP posts:
FinneusMum · 09/08/2022 11:18

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bumblingblockhead · 09/08/2022 11:26

@LuckySantangelo35 you claimed that 1 in 8 is unusual. Red cars a fewer than 1 in 8 on UK roads yet people would not call this 'unusual'. It is common, not unusual.

And no, unusual doesn't necessarily mean bad but it is an odd word to use. If you had bought a red car and someone commented 'that's an unusual colour', I suppose you'd say that's neutral and not a subtle dig?

PJHarvey · 09/08/2022 11:34

Because some people either don't know how words work or are in denial as they themselves were late bloomers

In denial about what? Do you think the 'late bloomers' are hung up about it or something? That's not the impression I get.

People are simply trying to reassure the OP that they were in her situation and have perfectly happy lives. You seem intent to believe this is not possible, and you seem to feel superior to others who have made different choices or had different experiences.

Screams of insecurity to me.

FinneusMum · 09/08/2022 11:39

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FinneusMum · 09/08/2022 11:41

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bumblingblockhead · 09/08/2022 11:43

@PJHarvey I wouldn't waste your time with FinneusMum. This one is dense AF.

PJHarvey · 09/08/2022 11:47

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Strongly disagree with the first point, as I believe it's extremely problematic to say that being in a minority is abnormal.

Are gay people abnormal?
Are non white people in Britain abnormal?

I hope you can understand why people take issue with that kind of language.

FinneusMum · 09/08/2022 11:49

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PJHarvey · 09/08/2022 11:51

A simple yes or no will do FinneusMum

FinneusMum · 09/08/2022 11:54

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LuckySantangelo35 · 09/08/2022 12:05

bumblingblockhead · 09/08/2022 11:26

@LuckySantangelo35 you claimed that 1 in 8 is unusual. Red cars a fewer than 1 in 8 on UK roads yet people would not call this 'unusual'. It is common, not unusual.

And no, unusual doesn't necessarily mean bad but it is an odd word to use. If you had bought a red car and someone commented 'that's an unusual colour', I suppose you'd say that's neutral and not a subtle dig?

@bumblingblockhead

i would yeah

don’t why you see the word unusual as some kind of slur, it really just means ‘not that common’ - it’s not a dig

PJHarvey · 09/08/2022 12:08

Bloody hell 🙄

Words certainly do have meaning, but it goes beyond simply what's written in a dictionary. Context and nuance are important.

Calling people abnormal is insulting. Say it to someone in your workplace and see how well that works out for you.

Leafy3 · 09/08/2022 12:12

@PJHarvey hopefully, given his hard they've applied themselves academically, the op is quite capable of recognising the difference.

Leafy3 · 09/08/2022 12:16

*how hard

RudsyFarmer · 09/08/2022 12:17

Whilst I lost my virginity around 16 I didn't really have regular sex until I was 28 and then I was quite rampant lol. So you have time. For me it involved gaining some emotional maturity and really feeling like a woman.

Dalekjastninerels · 09/08/2022 12:19

OP

You are young; not everyone is sleeping around from their teens.

When the time is right it will happen.

I was 18 and I felt so old; but now realise I wasn't.

Ignore anyone who says you are not normal.

Abitofalark · 09/08/2022 12:40

It doesn't add up to repeatedly question whether you are ugly when it is clear from the rest of the long post that you know you are not - and you have had several relationships. You also know how to run your life and you are free to pursue a relationship in the way you want when you are ready - you know this too as you've said your attitude has softened. There's nothing to stop you now choosing to seek the sort of relationship you want in your own way and at your own pace. Previously your youthful vision was about a perfect image of a successful life materially, which happened not to prioritise romance or sex.

YouAreNotBatman · 09/08/2022 13:03

Hey op!

You are perfectly fine.
I’m older than you, virgin, but personally I’m fine with it and going to be one for the rest of life.

But you do remember being your age (and younger) and feeling like there was something wrong with me, if I could go back in time, I’d kick myself for being so silly.
I carried so much unnecessary shame about it for so many years, just to find out it doesn’t matter at all.
Society makes into big deal, women are supposed to be sexual titillation for men.
Take your time.

I know it’s easier said than done, but try and be kind to yourself.
I promise you, there’s nothing wrong or unusual with being a virgin at any age.

Oh and don’t read into too much finneusmom , they clearly have something in their past they’re trying to undo here, as misguided as it is.

All the best OP! 💐

Dominikaa · 09/08/2022 13:24

@ladydoris @Mintchervilpurslane lovely comments , I agree 100%. It shows how wrong our society is if a young lady feel ashamed for not having one night stands/ sex at age of 24.

So dear OP, the fact that you didn't sleep with anyone yet only means that you have high standards and I reckon guys would be turned on ( and honoured) by the fact that he is the first one.

SonicHg · 09/08/2022 13:32

there is no such thing as normal when it comes to virginity. It’s all about when you feel the timing is right. I never planned to lose my virginity and it was stolen from me by some predator at 21. He preyed on young vulnerable women and was over 3 decades older than me

user58486267489 · 09/08/2022 13:33

Good grief. Please don’t “go to a bar” and find a one night stand. Please don’t. Live your life. Make new friends. Try online dating. You’ll meet someone at some point that you want to have a relationship with.

Please don’t sleep with someone who doesn’t know you or care about you just for the sake of it.

VestaTilley · 09/08/2022 13:53

Nothing wrong with it; it’s not that unusual. Please don’t put yourself at risk or rush in to anything you’re not really ready for just because you don’t want to be a virgin anymore. In your position I would wait to find a really nice man - a decent guy won’t care at all.

Butteryflakycrust83 · 09/08/2022 14:42

I didnt lose mine until I was 23. I never thought that late or weird, I just wasnt the kind of person to go out on the pull!

EBearhug · 09/08/2022 14:50

Everyone's first time is shit

No, it's not. I have fond memories of mine.

OP, there are loads of virgins out there in their 20s (quite a lot if them working in IT... I work in IT; it could be the same everywhere, for all i know.)

Just because everyone says they're doing something doesn't make it the gospel truth. It was absolutely the case at school that everyone else's parents let them have screens in their rooms, not make them do chores, let them stay up really late, etc. It's not always true, though. And it doesn't matter anyway, because you're you, not them.

A big fuss is made of virginity- but by the time I got there, it was just one extra little step. That's obviously not much use to you if you've never been kissed, but you can find someone and build it up over time. And spend time with yourself alone to explore your own body, too.

I wouldn’t go with the advice to just go out and have a one night stand,and I speak as one who's had many of them, and started a current relationship with one. There's also one dating, but I think you need to be feeling pretty strong before stepping foot there.

But don't think about only sex - spending time buying your career isn't a bad thing. Nor is time spent building relationships with friends and family (definitely don't put work ahead of them,) and doing exercise or other activities you enjoy, be it painting, learning a language, knitting, or whatever else. You could meet someone through those things, but even if you don't, when you do eventually end up in a relationship, it'll be to enhance an spreading fulfilling life. Don't miss out on things because you're single.

EBearhug · 09/08/2022 15:10

it'll be to enhance an spreading fulfilling life

It'll be to enhance an already fulfilling life.

(Autocorrect does not enhance my life.)