Am I normal- Never had sex

[Glitterdiamonds]

this isn’t a troll post (although I know that’s exactly what a troll would say) but MN can verify im a regular poster but I’ve just changed my username.

im worried that there’s something wrong with me, or that im really ugly or weird or something.

im still a virgin and im 24 and a half years old. All my friends my age have had sex and im the only one who hasn’t.

ive had boyfriends but the relationships were very short term so whilst I’ve obviously kissed and been intimate with a guy before, I’ve never actually had sex. I’ve got lots of guy friends and I get on really well with them. I’m definitely not asexual because I do feel attracted to guys and I’ve got nothing against having sex, it just feels like the opportunity has never really happened (I guess covid hasn’t helped either but that’s only the last 2 years). But it’s happened for everyone else so it must be me that’s the problem

lifestyle-wise I’m like most of my friends. I get acrylics, lashes, fake tan, go to the gym (I’m not saying that’s the only way to have sex obviously I just mean I’m exactly the same as my friends and they’ve all had sex and I haven’t.)

the only thing I can really think of is that growing up, I was a bit too obsessed with having a successful life as an adult- I had a really shit childhood and had this picture in my mind of what I wanted my future to be like and I was determined nothing would get in my way. I wanted to have a really successful career in a city where I can wear louboutins everyday, a big house, and to basically have my shit together! I remember telling myself when I was a teen that I should study and work until im making a 6 figure salary so I have a successful life before I think about getting dragged down by a boyfriend! This attitude carried on until I was early 20s and by then all my friends had had sex and i was left behind. I was popular and went to parties and was the same as everyone else, I just didn’t want any to have casual sex (I’m not saying there’s anything wrong with casual sex, it just isnt what I want) and I guess I see sex=tied down with a relationship and I don’t want that.

Obviously this attitude changed softened as I got older and I did have some boyfriends, but the relationships ended before we got serious enough to have sex. I think I got scared that if the relationship got serious they would be a distraction or something, I dunno, so we broke up and I never had sex. Repeat that situation a few times and then covid hit and I’ve been single ever since.

i studied really hard in and after school and am starting my dream job- but all my friends did the same AND had boyfriends and are not virgins at 24 years old!

im so scared there’s something wrong with me, or that I’m a massive freak or even uglier than I already think I am. I don’t want to be a virgin at 50 but it’s looking like that’s going to be me😥I’m so scared of sex now as well- nobody will expect me to be a virgin at this age so I won’t know what to do and it’s going to be awful. I honestly think I’ll freeze and completely panic.

i dont know why I’m posting this, I’m just having a bit of an identify crisis at the moment and feel like such a freak compared to my friends.

Oh OP, you are completely normal. I know it may not feel it, but 24 is incredibly young. It’s entirely a balance of probabilities that it hasn’t happened yet.

I know from your perspective I must seem ancient (I’m 31) but it feels just like yesterday that I was your age, with the exact same mindset as you. And like you I did achieve all the things I wanted - fabulous grades at top uni, I was earning more at 21 than most people ever will by the time they retire, bought a flat at 27 in London. But I had your kind of insecurities too. I’d had plenty of sex (sex with men in their 20s is really nothing to write home about btw) but I worried at 28 that I’d never find the ‘one’. Many of my friends married their early 20s college bfs, and all I had were a string of LT relationships where I was miss good enough for now. But it only has to happen once and when it did it happened quickly and it felt right.

Ignore the advice to have sex with anyone and rip the bandage off. Know your value and have bloody high standards. It’ll happen when it happens. And I can almost guarantee you that although you started a bit late you’ll be on the same timescale as everyone else when you reach your 30s (I was).

Side note - I also think it’s not as unusual to be a virgin at 24 as people make it out to be. I’d say more of your friends and peers will be in the same boat as you than letting on. I have some (lovely) friends my age who just happen to be shy and I suspect they have never had sex.

I would get myself in therapy to unpack my fear of intimacy and losing control over my career. There are plenty of successful people who also have had sex as you have noticed with your peers, op.

I think it’s fine to decide during school and university that sex for women can get in the way of career. Teen pregnancy has a major impact on career - you can still get to that sox figure salary it’s just much, much harder.

OP seems ready now - and she is still young. She will meet the right person and will feel comfortable and it will happen.

You sound amazing, you’ve got your shit together. You’ve prioritised yourself and so you should.
It really doesn’t matter that it hasn’t happened yet, it will when you meet the right person.
Most of my early relationships were focused around sex and not much else, it didn’t do much for my self esteem and looking back I think I was strung along.

It’s unusual, but not weird. You’re still very young. And you have managed to avoid the sleeping with an idiots stage! And the sex with someone you adore who then dumps you stage! You haven’t missed much by not having sex young 😬

Focus on the reasons why you chose not to have sex with your previous boyfriends, if you were attracted to them and cared about them but something stopped you, it may be a good idea to work out what that was before you meet the next ‘contender’ for life partner.

Do not worry about not knowing what to do. Your first partner will probably be thrilled to be the first. And it isn’t complicated 😬

Ignore people who tell you to ‘rip the band aid off’ and just have a random one night stand. That would be crap sex and uoset you as you have reasons for your choices so far and it would be a huge change of direction for you.

Get a nice boyfriend and the rest will sort itself out.

My kids are in their mid to late 20's and a few of their pals haven't had sex. We were chatting about it the other day. It's definitely not anything to do with looks . I'd say it was normal and not that unusual.

OP, there's some great advice here, (as well as the usual aggressive detailers) but while we're all talking about sex, your worries about being a 'freak' and being 'normal' seem like more of an issue here. Pathologising virginity - while sometimes absolutely significant - is not necessarily going to resolve this.

As others have said, if this is something you really want (emphasis on you and want), there are many options, including thinking about what you would like in and out of a sexual relationship and what turns you on.
But how will you feel when after you've had sex? Will you look in the mirror and be the person you want to be? Will something have changed? Or will - to paraphrase - you still feel like that abnormal freak, different to your friends? There will always be something to compare, and while I don't want to sound like an 80s power ballad here, you have to love (or at least like) yourself before others can.
If/when it happens, I wish you whatever you want from it - fireworks, warmth, love, peace - but your virginity does not define you. Who are you? What do you want? What is/isn't acceptable?

If you can get to these things, given all you have made happen, I have no doubt you can get where you want to.

I was 22 when I first had sex and I honestly you to think like you. I worried I was odd or strange but there’s more people than you think.

im so glad I didn’t have a one night stand, the person I first had sex with is now my husband and I love that we were both each other’s first. He was also older (23).

Louboutins, acrylics, lashes, fake tan - it all sounds a bit Love Island to be honest OP. Are you doing all these things because other people seem to think they equal a successful life or are they actually you? I'm not sure you even know who you are, it all sounds a bit superficial (and unlikely to make you genuinely happy IMO) you sound a bit lost and like you're trying to live up to some fake ideal.

I'm not sure you've actually got your shit together, it's great that you've studied hard and got a good job and it's great that you've decided casual sex isn't for you and stuck to that - but I think your childhood may have affected you in ways you don't even realise and may have made you put too much value on the wrong things. If you only hang out in very superficial circles maybe that's why you're struggling to find a relationship with any depth. Maybe you have a low opinion of men due to your father or maybe you fear relationships because of your parents volatile relationship. It's not clear why your childhood was so bad but it wouldn't surprise me if it was still affecting you now in one way or another.

I didn’t read the whole of your post but if it helps -

My (now husband) was a virgin until he met me at 26 years old

I have best friends who are 27/28 who have never had sex or had a boyfriend

I do not really think at 24 this is a huge deal but society has made it become a huge deal

*But the rest of your post goes against that a bit. Still harping on about finding the right someone: which is at odds with the destigmatisation of virginity.

The whole point of removing the social contradict around virginity is removing this notion of having to wait for the right person and it's a special thing to give to someone.

Sex is great, and fun.*

I agree that virginity is a construct BUT I think the "sex is fun" idea can and has swung too far to the point that it has become more like "sex is meaningless" and I think this can be damaging, especially for women who are less into casual sex than men (from an evolutionary pov as sex was very high stakes for women for most of human existence)

Louise Perry writes about this as "sexual disenhancement"

I think it's just as damaging to dcs to imply that sex is meaningless as it is to imply that virginity is special and is "given away".

Sex is an important part of a relationship imo.

Average is not the same as normal. An average of 18 means that some people had sex younger than 18 and some older than 18 and if you add them all up together and divide by the number of people you get 18. Normal is usually defined socially or culturally or according to some rules or guidelines. There is a mathematical normal as well but that is in geometry and doesn't make sense in this situation.

OP you are completely normal and there is nothing wrong or weird about you!! You sound incredibly determined. I was similar at your age and in my mid 20s was very inexperienced sexually. I did not being made vulnerable and real trust was established and did not fancy a random drunken shag. That is absolutely fine and I think it’s really wrong that there is so much pressure in our oversexualised society (which mainly benefits men).

You sound pretty normal but it's simply that the opportunity just hasn't arrived where you can have sex. Quite rightly for you a relationship hasn't been the right one for sex to happen. Again not unusual. You are getting your dream job, and will be putting a lot of effort into reaping the rewards of all your hard work and dedication. I've no doubt you will meet someone you can have a longer more committed relationship with in the near future.

There is a huge emphasis on sex in our society, but once you get a bit more mature you realise it's only a section of life. Jobs, relationships, friendships, travel, hobbies, interests and so on are just as important and there are a lot more of these other interests. It's only figuring large on the horizon because it's not ticked off your list yet.

OP, in my group of six friends, we were all between 19 and 25. Most of us closer to the upper end.

None of us liked the idea of causal sex just to get it over with, so it happened once we met our boyfriends.

You're not abnormal OP, not at all.

Also agree with the PP who pointed out that the 'average age' stats in this area are inaccurate, as they don't factor in the people who haven't had sex by a certain age.

Lots of people, who are not virgins, do not have sex. Never have sex. You have all the time in the world

I agree with this

I wrote my own post above but I got the same kind of responses when I was in OP's position - you're fine, you're being responsible, you're 'better' than people in relationships/having random hookups.

But the truth is intimacy is such an essential part of life. You need to connect and make mistakes and be close to other people.

Being a virgin at 24 isn't a problem in itself. But the innate fear of relationships and intimacy is, and it's not something that goes away without help.

I've never had bad sex, I don't know many who have.

It's an enjoyable part of life, something you don't have to wait for the right person or someone you're in a relationship for. That doesn't mean sex is meaningless but it also doesn't mean it needs to be tied up with relationships.

Not everyone feels like this. The best sex I’ve had was in a relationship. The worst, a couple of one night stands.

@FinneusMum

Some people prefer to wait until they are ready and find someone they trust to have sex for the first time. Others are really not bothered. There is nothing wrong with either/

In the end it comes to a personal choice and no one should feel they have to conform to somebody else's idea of what they should do with their body or how they should be having sex.

The OP is young still. She might benefit with speaking to a counsellor if her childhood has affected how she sees herself and her ability to be intimate with someone else. What she certainly does not need to do is see herself as not being ''normal''...

Everyone's sexuality is individual to them.

Our western societies still seems to defines sex with the idea of heteronormative sex which is very one-dimensional for many people and won't fit everyone. Some people don't want the ''have sex at 16, spend your student years having lots of casual sex, eventually settle down and marry a man and have penetrative sex (penis in vagina) as your main sex life goal '' as their definition of a sex life.

Thankfully these days we understand that there are other ways to live and enjoy a sex life (or not if you do not want to have one...) there is nothing not ''normal'' about this.

You are talking about society's expectation of what is normal, the human being is much more complex than that.

Your still in your early 20s OP 😂 I had to go back and double check your age, you made it sound as though you’re 50! I didn’t have sex until I was 24, when I had a brief fling with someone. Honestly he was a dickhead and I wish I’d have waited. It’s really no big deal.