Am I normal- Never had sex

[Glitterdiamonds]

this isn’t a troll post (although I know that’s exactly what a troll would say) but MN can verify im a regular poster but I’ve just changed my username.

im worried that there’s something wrong with me, or that im really ugly or weird or something.

im still a virgin and im 24 and a half years old. All my friends my age have had sex and im the only one who hasn’t.

ive had boyfriends but the relationships were very short term so whilst I’ve obviously kissed and been intimate with a guy before, I’ve never actually had sex. I’ve got lots of guy friends and I get on really well with them. I’m definitely not asexual because I do feel attracted to guys and I’ve got nothing against having sex, it just feels like the opportunity has never really happened (I guess covid hasn’t helped either but that’s only the last 2 years). But it’s happened for everyone else so it must be me that’s the problem

lifestyle-wise I’m like most of my friends. I get acrylics, lashes, fake tan, go to the gym (I’m not saying that’s the only way to have sex obviously I just mean I’m exactly the same as my friends and they’ve all had sex and I haven’t.)

the only thing I can really think of is that growing up, I was a bit too obsessed with having a successful life as an adult- I had a really shit childhood and had this picture in my mind of what I wanted my future to be like and I was determined nothing would get in my way. I wanted to have a really successful career in a city where I can wear louboutins everyday, a big house, and to basically have my shit together! I remember telling myself when I was a teen that I should study and work until im making a 6 figure salary so I have a successful life before I think about getting dragged down by a boyfriend! This attitude carried on until I was early 20s and by then all my friends had had sex and i was left behind. I was popular and went to parties and was the same as everyone else, I just didn’t want any to have casual sex (I’m not saying there’s anything wrong with casual sex, it just isnt what I want) and I guess I see sex=tied down with a relationship and I don’t want that.

Obviously this attitude changed softened as I got older and I did have some boyfriends, but the relationships ended before we got serious enough to have sex. I think I got scared that if the relationship got serious they would be a distraction or something, I dunno, so we broke up and I never had sex. Repeat that situation a few times and then covid hit and I’ve been single ever since.

i studied really hard in and after school and am starting my dream job- but all my friends did the same AND had boyfriends and are not virgins at 24 years old!

im so scared there’s something wrong with me, or that I’m a massive freak or even uglier than I already think I am. I don’t want to be a virgin at 50 but it’s looking like that’s going to be me😥I’m so scared of sex now as well- nobody will expect me to be a virgin at this age so I won’t know what to do and it’s going to be awful. I honestly think I’ll freeze and completely panic.

i dont know why I’m posting this, I’m just having a bit of an identify crisis at the moment and feel like such a freak compared to my friends.

Exactly this.

"Virgin" is such a ridiculous label when you think about it.

People have different life experiences that open them up to different opportunities at different times. Just because we have standardised schooling doesn't mean we should all experience everything by set ages.

And op - if you want to get laid quickly then you can do, as others have pointed out. But I wouldn't just hook up with whoever you like the look of a night out (unless you want to) for a one night stand as I don't think you're likely to enjoy it as much.

With the right guy, they'll go out of their way to ensure your first time is amazing - and you deserve that.

@Leafy3 sorry - I was confused as you say it's a backlash against pornification and yet I thought it was because more are watching porn?

I agree with the recommendation of Louise Perry - I watched that interview too and read her book and it's excellent.

I lost my virginity at 17 but it was to my now DH who I have been with for 20 years.

I have been made to feel weird for only ever having one sexual partner but now I feel like my instinctive aversion to casual sex was actually for the best all the long.

@FinneusMum you're still conflating two different concepts (and I'm not going to go into how statistics that claim the average age for having sex for the first time are inaccurate) but I'm not going to argue with you, the op can read my points which is what matters.

I was 28. I was/am incredibly shy and didn't get asked out much, so it just never happened.

I kept my virginity a secret cos I was embarrassed. I was relieved to get it over with to be honest. It didn't open the floodgates to an amazing sex life though, never got much out of it really!

I think you have to do whatever is comfortable for you. You've had dates and short relationships, the chance will come along at some point if you want it.

@theveg oh, I see what you mean! Yes - good point and that too, thanks :)

There is nothing wrong with you. You just have not met yet anyone you wanted to have sex with.

I think comparing yourself to others is not helpful.Don't put pressure on yourself, just enjoy your life and date, if you want, and eventually you will find someone.

These days it is is easy to assume that everyone is having casual sex but although it might work for some, many more prefer to develop a connection and a trusted relationship before having sex.

''I get acrylics, lashes, fake tan, go to the gym''. I hope you don't mind but I personally think it is important to be your own person and follow your own path, not to just wish to be like your friends, aim to all look alike and blindly follow trends. This is not where happiness is...you probably will be much happier just being yourself and not thinking that it is only a certain type of physical appearance or behaviour that will bring you love.

OK, Finneus :)

Someone is overcompensating. And no, OP does not need to grab some casual sex just to 'rip the bandage off'. It's not bloody compulsory.

The most important thing OP is that you do what you want to do. In my opinion men will see you as some sort of mythical creature and be in awe. You wait until you're ready, with someone understanding or whoever you want if you prefer. I lost mine far far too young. It resulted eventually in a teen pregnancy. I confused love and affection with sex. It's taken me till my mid 30s to finally find someone worthy! Who at the age of 27 had only slept with 2 people and lost his late too because he had other priorities 😊 x don't do anything you're not comfortable with x

Please don’t stress about this. You are young and have plenty of time.

I know lots of people who put of sex because they were scared of teen pregnancy.

you will meet the right person who you trust and it will just happen. Just like that!

there is nothing odd about being focused and ambitious.

Do whatever you want, but don’t put sex on a pedestal. Virginity isn’t sacred and your first time doesn’t dictate how it’ll always be.

Jesus Christ there is NOTHING wrong with you.

We are conditioned that the peak age to lose your virginity is about 16. The amount of women I know who say they wish they hadn’t slept with such dickheads when they were younger.

Virginity is a bloody social construct. You’re not missing anything, it’s not a sanguine attribute to be a virgin. You just haven’t had sex yet, haven’t found anyone you like enough to have sex yet.

You sound perfect, your intelligent, determined, know your own mind and that is just from what I’ve read in your OP. Please do not go to a bar and shack up with some random bloke in a one night stand - you’ll regret it. You deserve someone who cares for you and treats you nicely.

I do wonder if the Internet and porn has made the idea of sex scary to some people. It used to be that you would spend years exploring or experiencing various preferences but now young people have information about every possible preference and maybe are unsure what they want/can expect of an encounter/what the other person would expect.

I was a virgin at your age (and had never had any kind of boyfriend or even kissed!) and I felt very similarly to you, that it would "never happen"

The reality is that once things started to happen (swapped numbers with a young man at a party) they happened pretty fast!
That relationship ended after a few months (without sex- did try but wasn't ready/was too nervous) but it had opened the gateway to see things as possible for me and be more confident. Not long after that first break up I met my now husband.

I think in hindsight I just wasn't ready for a relationship beforehand - I wasn't ever going to be a casual sex person and I didn't have room in my life for a relationship, so I was unconsciously giving off this unapproachable vibe.
I'm not conventionally attractive so for a long time I thought that was why, but it wasn't.
Once I have was "ready" and relaxed things started to happen almost by coincidence

i think it’s more common than you realise.
Afaik my DCs haven’t had sex and they’re 18 & 20. Granted, the lockdowns didn’t help as caused a myriad of issues w social life etc.
i was in early 20s too - had the opportunity a couple of times but didn’t want casual sex really (was brought up religious) and wish I’d waited a few more months when I met DH as my experience was not great at best and coercive at worse.

You sound like a lovely young woman to me.there is such a lot of pressure for young people these days to have sex. Just relax and if you do meet someone don't stress about it.you won't be marked out of 10! Often teenagers rush into it then regret it later on .better to take your time just enjoy life .I'd wager there are more people like you out there as well

It might not be normal but it's not a bad thing. Do it when you are ready, with someone who makes you feel good about waiting. You will certainly not be normal, in a good way.

If you remove all the bad experiences, pressured experiences, drunken experiences, and leave only the experiences people look back on with fondness, I would bet most of the first fond experiences people have are around 24 or later.

So you're only missing out on bad experiences. I had sex at 17, it was awful. Then again at 18, again awful. When I met my first real boyfriend and had proper meaningful sex that wasn't until I was 21, and this is when I truly had sex. Before that I was having bad experiences that involved my private parts.

There are people who choose to wait, and while you see it as missing out, you're not, you're just not selling yourself short like most of us do.

Projecting much? She said proud of her achievements... I.E. the academic and career achievements the OP says she's worked hard to achieve.

I absolutely would not just go to a bar and hook up to lose virginity!!!

I would get myself in therapy to unpack my fear of intimacy and losing control over my career. There are plenty of successful people who also have had sex as you have noticed with your peers, op. It sounds like you absorbed a lot of negative messages about men and sex from your childhood.. maybe your parent or someone you looked up to constantly made comments about this topic that it created a complex. You don't say if there is any religious or cultural element about it, too but I think a good therapist can help you understand your underlying reasons for avoiding sex. I know I couldn't wait to have sex and was always career ambitious.

Go on a couple of dates and find someone you have chemistry with! There’s nothing wrong with you, at all.