Expensive birthday activity for DS, how to stop uninvited "extra" kids coming?

[samsmummyhere]

Just that ready.
For DS's birthday next month he wants to go to a particular place that cost almost £30 per child for the activity and food afterwards.
I've told him he can invite 10 friends along, I seriously couldn't afford any more.
Trouble is, at most of the parties he's attended in the past since starting school, I've noticed so many of the mums from his circle of friends to bring along ALL their kids, even when not invited. Like it's free childcare of something, or just because they can't leave them at home (understandable I suppose for single parents without help etc).
BUT I'm adamant I don't want this happening at my son's party... Why should I end up paying several more £30 for the sake of mums who do this?
Anyone being in similar situations? How do I word it politely but FIRMLY on the invitations that the invites are for the NAMED FRIEND ONLY, no siblings or other add-ons?

Well, mtpw.

Put it on the invite that no siblings and drop and pick up times. Also, please do put on invite that you will be supervising all the attending kids (I.e you invited kids) or that the place will provide sufficient supervision.

Won’t let my kids under a certain age go to a party without me unless assured about supervision. A kid died or got injured at some ‘birthday parties’ . Kids get snitched too etc

Well, mtpw.

Put it on the invite that no siblings and drop and pick up times. Also, please do put on invite that you will be supervising all the attending kids (I.e you invited kids) or that the place will provide sufficient supervision.

Won’t let my kids under a certain age go to a party without me unless assured about supervision. A kid died or got injured at some ‘birthday parties’ . Kids get snitched too etc

(You invited kids)

Well at least you recognised yourself lol

Wild eh? Considering I’ve got no self awareness etc etc etc

I would put on the invitation "Please RSVP as we can only have a set number of guests". This ensures you don't get no-shows and people get there are no extra spaces. I have genuinely got the day wrong and also totally forgotten parties so would send a reminder to parents a few days before the event! Mobile numbers are needed for emergencies anyway as "Due to the limit on numbers, it will not be possible to accommodate anyone other than invited guests". Meet outside the venue ten minutes or so before so any clingons will get the message that it's just the invited guests. Make sure they don't leave sibs behind!

Pop a note in with the invites stating that due to the £30pp cost you are unable to accommodate siblings, but you are happy for children to be picked up/dropped off at the end of the party

Plus the increases in fuel costs at the moment. They won't want to do 4 journeys. Not everyone drives so they might have had to pay for a taxi if not on a bus route or walked.

Yes, although there were never 1 or 2 adults . You drafted in help either from family or occasionally some parents you were close friends with. You didn't have 30 parents sat in there . If it was far away you'd sit in the car with a book or find a cafe like we did if they had clubs that were a distance away. You didn't all turn up and bring siblings with you

or find a cafe like we did

The only cafe was in the soft play barn.

To be fair none of the parents at DD's school were CFs, and if they did bring siblings they paid for them and paid for their food. They were a pretty friendly lot and we would all sit and chat over a coffee. It was just the done thing round here.

Oh, and I had no family to help supervise.

Although I'm very against rocking up with your partner and siblings, i can see it varies somewhat by the type of party.

If it's a soft play type activity that's open to the public, it's acceptable provided you keep the sibling away from the food and party room. If it's a hall, not open to the public or at someone's house, then I think it's an imposition.

Having older or younger siblings changes the dynamic and I don't think that's fair on the child whose party it is. Nor the parents who have double the number of kids running around. And parents who they feel they should talk to, or provide drinks for.

The posters who've said they've asked if they can bring siblings and the parents have said they don't mind are missing the point in my opinion. You're putting the parents on the spot and they won't want to cause offence.

It's not that hard to go for a walk or sit in the car and read a book. Or I've met up with other parents at a coffee shop, or done some shopping.

‘Only xx will be paid for. Please let me know if another child would like to attend and I will contact the centre to see if they can accommodate. please note that you will need to pay for this child In advance, as per the Centre rules, otherwise they won’t be able to attend’ Thanks and looking forward to seeing you’

I think you’re doing more than enough spending £300 ish on a party and I’d never have the nerve to take more kids than we’re actually invited!

This is one of those threads that makes me wonder about everything I have ever done.

It has always been common for siblings to attend birthday parties when the kids are small.

Toddlers have to sit on laps, watch etc and might get a few crisps if they're lucky. I would never have left a DS at a party by himself and used the be annoyed by the 'drop and gos' as inevitably their child was not happy about being left.

Everyone else did the same. We all knew each other and all our younger children and no one minded.

Maybe they did!

At soft play everyone paid for younger siblings to get in and there was no expectation that they would get food or a party bag. If it was a more 'closed' activity, siblings would watch. Once the child was old enough to leave (maybe 7 or 8) that was much easier.

Everyone is so quick on Mumsnet to label everyone cheeky fuckers, but sometimes it's just living in a welcoming and tolerant community

Or all my friends hate me.

For me, it depends whether you have an alternative childcare option. I appreciate that some don't, which is fair enough.

Wherever possible, I left the non invited child with my husband. In my younger son's year, it was often a whole family activity. If the host has invited your family, I understand that but asking to come as a five rather than a one or two is cheeky in my opinion.

Nah. I’m a “bring and pay for siblings in soft play” parent. I’ve had three invitations for play dates, which has explicitly included all three, just this week. I think this is evidence enough that we’re not universally loathed at school as posters on here seem to assume.
The parents in my area are very relaxed and don’t seem to care about the “dynamic” of a soft play being ruined by younger siblings. We all sit and have a chat with a coffee. The babies all get passed around for a squeeze. It’s really nice.

Most parents don’t mind if you:

a) ask first and pay
b) your kids all play nicely together
c) you stay to supervise

I’m moving to a new area soon and I’m terrified now that parents will suddenly be annoyed by my younger kids being in a public space which I’ve paid for them to go to and monitoring whether my oldest plays with their birthday child enough to be worthy of an invite!

I was in childcare so have been taking children to parties for years - It was drop off and go once at school - None of this siblings stay /don’t have childcare

now as a mum it seems

1. you stay for the party - why ? That the point of parties 2hrs childfree time 😂

2. siblings seem to stay - younger and older

dd is 5 and think every party she’s been to via school has had siblings there. Some have toddler and say 7/8yr and both stay

im happy for drop and go and dd was fine with that , till other parents stayed and she would say but xxx mum stays ………

so yes @samsmummyhere you need to be clear

unless you need an adult there and again for dd party I said to people to drop off and go enjoy some peace , and that I had lots adult family to help

yet still had maybe half the class parents stay - a few both mum and dad came

I get for some who work it may be a social aspect to catch up with other parents - so go out in the evening for a meal /drinks if you want to chat to them - not do it at a party

also means for some it adds costs as need to do drinks for parents

something like this

We have booked the event per person. Please let me know ASAP if your child can attend, and please feel free to drop/collect your child as there is no space in the booking for siblings"

This @EveryFlightBeginsWithAFall

def 20/30yrs ago you dropped and went as I said in my post

now in last 5/20yrs all stay

Why are we going on about soft play? The OP implies something like laser quest or go ape, a structured activity. They’re not toddlers. If your individual circumstances don’t allow for it, then the child can’t go. It’s not the OPs problem.

I'm sorry this happened to you.

What horrible entitled people , and people here say this would never happen in real life - I wish it were true.

I also suspect it happens more where people can least afford it. In my affluent middle class private school bubble, DPs would be talked about for years if they attempted this scam as all DPs can readily afford to pay for their own DCs entrance.

To pull this on someone that you know isn't well off is disgusting.

I guess we’ll never really know as the OP made one post then disappeared…

Because laser tag etc. are still open to the public. If anyone can pay to be there (not as part of the party but as a member of the general public) then it’s reasonable for parents to pay for other siblings to have a go.
If it’s a place that is for the party only and not open to the general public, OP needs to make it clear to parents so they can make other arrangements or decline the invite.

I don't think it is reasonable as the birthday child has had to limit the invite list to 10, siblings probably aren't number 11 and 12 on the reserve list. The kid doesn't really understand or care who pays, its about who they celebrate their birthday with. But yes, given the lack of regard a section of parents seem to have for parents organising a party, I agree they probably need to make things crystal clear to avoid any liberties being taken.

I mean, if you invite a group of adult friends out for dinner, you don't bring another friend along and put pressure on for them to sit at the same table based on the fact that the restaurant is open to the public? Its just weird.

But how can you play laser tag by yourself? How is the lone extra child going to play? Surely you need a group.

They’d join in with members of the general public and the parent as you would normally do.
Do you genuinely think a child should have to wait in the car for an hour when members of the general public are allowed in?