Expensive birthday activity for DS, how to stop uninvited "extra" kids coming?

[samsmummyhere]

Just that ready.
For DS's birthday next month he wants to go to a particular place that cost almost £30 per child for the activity and food afterwards.
I've told him he can invite 10 friends along, I seriously couldn't afford any more.
Trouble is, at most of the parties he's attended in the past since starting school, I've noticed so many of the mums from his circle of friends to bring along ALL their kids, even when not invited. Like it's free childcare of something, or just because they can't leave them at home (understandable I suppose for single parents without help etc).
BUT I'm adamant I don't want this happening at my son's party... Why should I end up paying several more £30 for the sake of mums who do this?
Anyone being in similar situations? How do I word it politely but FIRMLY on the invitations that the invites are for the NAMED FRIEND ONLY, no siblings or other add-ons?

It's not about separation anxiety. It's about leaving your child with what is basically a stranger.

At school and other places as such are regulated and the people working there usually have to do a police check.

@grey12 I’m sure the parent/siblings can stay at the facility if they want to, they just can’t participate at the host’s expense. That’s fair enough at £30pp!

A police check doesn't guarantee anything except that the individual hasn't been convicted of anything. If the party is in a public place and the child doesn't need help with toileting they're as safe or otherwise at a soft play party supervised by known classmates parents as at drop off after school activities.

This must be a new thing?!

I don't remember any parents hanging about to supervise at village hall/home parties from age 5 onwards! It was always drop and go.

I can't believe you actually think this.

Schools, including after-school clubs are secure environments run by trained staff and children are checked in and out and supervised properly. Random members of the public are not allowed on the premises.

At a large group party, party mum is likely to be distracted by actually running the party, so it's not inconceivable that a child could wander off or have to go to the toilet alone. And most people here wouldn't send their 4/5 year olds into public toilets alone. Not all soft plays etc are secure either (especially those in leisure centres ime) so perfectly possible for a small child to wander into the car park.

We had a hall party with parents staying for my DC's 4th birthday and, even with the parents, I still had to send my DH to retrieve a child who was making a dash for the car park (parent was dealing with their other child at the time). It was just luck that I saw the child exiting as I was doing food at the time.

You know who’s invited, who’s not!
just tell unwanted to piss off.

@ZaraElizabethIsMyNewSpyName I think given what happened at Liquid Leisure yesterday at a party that is definitely not always true

No you don't! You drop off your 5 year old who is perfectly used to spending all day at school with these same children without you, and you pick up 2 hours later.

No one does this where I live. It would be considered really bad manners to leave your kid there for other adults to supervise and sort out when you could just pay for your other kids to enter the soft play as a member of the general public.

@Dontwanttoberudeorwastetime When do parents start dropping and leaving where you are then?

Or will you be dragging a 3 YO to an 8 Year olds party in the future?

Self awareness is key 😉

It seems to be around 7-8 which coincides with children only having select friends attend, rather than near enough the whole class, and no longer having them at soft play.

I'm in the Netherlands - parties start from the very beginning of school as 'drop off', unheard of to hang about (I actually offered ariving parents a drink at my first one and they all thought I was nuts).

All-class parties are not really a thing though either, and it would be considered beyond rude to show up with siblings, even to a soft play and pay yourself, a party invitation is a treat and everyone will get their turn. Very simple and everyone knows the drill.

There is still some CF behaviour though - parents showing up very late to collect happens more than it should, and the crunchier parents trying to police the food because their precious 'never ever' has sugar is getting very common. CFs everywhere just different forms 🙂

TBF I’ve only ever taken the sibling along to hall parties which aren’t done per person and with the agreement of the host in advance. It’s quite common here to being siblings to those kinds of parties. We had loads come to ones we hosted too. But for paid per head parties I’ve never even asked/tried to take the sibling. Many soft plays are easy enough where you can just pay for siblings extra on the door to access the play equipment but not the party room for food. Lots do this as well. But the other types of more expensive activities no one would bring extra, or they’d have to watch. I’m intrigued what type of activity costs £30 a head though. This is expensive. Where we live £10 per head for bowling, soft play etc. but then trampoline park or clip n climb might be around £10 without food or £15 with food.

I don’t see why you should even have to tell people this. Clearly if their other children aren’t on the invitation then they aren’t invited? I wouldn’t bother saying anything, just pay for those attending. If any CFs parents bring their other children they can just pay for them themselves. The venue will soon inform them of this.

Also is it usual for parents to stay at parties these days? All my parties as a kid were drop off from the age of four 🤷‍♀️ How old is your child?

If parents expect siblings to be included and don't find out until they get to the venue it could cause a lot of bad feeling @1HappyTraveller. It is far better to manage expectations in this case.

As the OP hasn't replied to any questions about the children's ages or what kind of activity we are all just making assumptions here.

And would you really just leave a four year old at a huge soft play barn with 10 - 20 other children with maybe only a couple of adults in charge? Really?

I wouldn't. What about toilet trips, accidents, injuries, other issues? Besides, the local soft play barns wouldn't allow this adult/child ratio.

A church hall party or house party is different, and I would expect a drop off and collect.

Also, where I live a lot of parents welcomed the chance to meet the other parents in a more social setting.

If parents are to thick to realise an invitation for one child to a party doesn't mean the entire family is invited then the onus is on them tbh and I can't imagine most parents don't realise they are just being cheeky

@x2boys absolutely! 👏🏻

If parents expect siblings to be included and don't find out until they get to the venue it could cause a lot of bad feeling @1HappyTraveller. It is far better to manage expectations in this case.

But WHY would any parent expect someone NOT on an invitation to be included?
I don't feel inclined to manage the expectation of dim wits.
And where do you draw the line?
e.g. You and your husband are invited to our wedding. Your Auntie Maud, cousin Rupert and friend Dolly from up the road are not invited.

I can just imagine some of the posters on this thread on here asking if they are being unreasonable as they were invited to a childfree wedding yet took their kids anyway as they had no childcare!

It's called "reading the room"

I agree that parents shouldn't expect that siblings are included, but clearly, in the OP's case this does happen.

I can just see the OP being shunned because the CF parents weren't informed beforehand.

And all the posters who are saying the parents don't need to be told happen to be reasonable people. We are talking about unreasonable parents here.

Sod that room then!
If I got shunned by CF parents for not managing their ridiculous expectations then so be it.
Fortunately I think most parents are not so entitled or ignorant so there are plenty to go around!

But the OP isn't you @TheOrigRights.

If she was she wouldn't be posting here for advice.

True, but maybe she will read the thread and see that it's not up to her to manage the expectations; to see that she is entirely in the right. Maybe that will give her the strength she needs to stop pussy footing around.

Maybe she will be the parent in this circle of ignorant Mums ("I've noticed so many of the mums from his circle of friends to bring along ALL their kids, even when not invited.") who breaks the cycle and everyone will applaud her.

She can't be the only one.

”to thick” 😂