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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to say that DS should have the spare room?

167 replies

SplunkPostGres · 07/08/2022 21:41

I’ve just had the second anxious call at bedtime from DS at his Dad’s house. He has to sleep on inflatable mattress in the living room because his Fathers daughter (18) from his first marriage is sleeping in the spare room.

This always happens. He doesn’t have a proper room at his Dad’s because it’s kept as a spare room. Whenever both children are there, it’s always DS who sleeps in the lounge. Tonight they’re packing for a holiday tomorrow and DS with a bad knee can’t go to bed until they do. He is 9. He has ASD. He needs to go to bed. And I’m 250 miles away and unable to do anything about it.

AIBU to say that DS should have a proper bed at his Dad’s house?

OP posts:
Duchess379 · 07/08/2022 21:43

Does the daughter live with her dad? How often does your son see his dad? Is he also going on this holiday?

Augend23 · 07/08/2022 21:43

If it was just air mattress Vs bed and they were out the way I would say most children sleep much better on an air mattress than most adults due to being much lighter. Would this still be the case with your son's ASD, I don't know?

But it's not fair that he should have to stay up until everyone else has gone to bed.

cadburyegg · 07/08/2022 21:46

Well, yes of course in an ideal world he should have his own room. But presumably dad cannot afford a 3 bed? Not sure what the solution is here. He shouldn't have to wait til everyone else is in bed though.

My ex lives in a 1 bed flat and the kids sleep in his room when he's there (although they're younger) and he sleeps on a sofa bed in the living room

Original poster
SplunkPostGres · 07/08/2022 21:46

She doesn’t live with her Dad. She’s a uni student who lives with her mum outside term time. It’s convenient for an airport run as she’s also going on holiday tomorrow but not the same destination as them.

contact schedule is standard eow and half holidays. I hate these two weeks in the summer as it’s a really long time for him.

OP posts:
Youdoyoutoday · 07/08/2022 21:51

I'd not allow him to stay without a proper bed as it seems to be causing him distress.

TestingTestingWonTooFree · 07/08/2022 21:52

It’s probably tricky if the 9 and 18 year old keep different hours. Although DS needs to go to bed early, would the DD sleep later in the morning? With my children I’d put the youngest to bed in the spare room and move them at 11 when the adults went to bed. I know not all kids could tolerate that disturbance.

autienotnaughty · 07/08/2022 21:56

I'd say ok on Matress but everyone needs to be out of the room at a reasonable time to let him sleep say 9pm

Flustered343 · 07/08/2022 21:58

If this was my son, I'd sleep in the living room and let daughter have my bed, son stays in spare room. The son is youngest with the earliest bedtime, has ASD so benefits from the security of staying in his usual space (Although not solely his as daughter also uses it). He is out of routine anyway with the holiday. The bad knee isn't even a factor, although makes everything clearer - or it should do! YANBU in my opinion.

RomeoOscarXrayIndigoEcho · 07/08/2022 22:05

Does his dad have a double bed? Is his Dad single? Could he not sleep in a sleeping bag on one side of the double bed in his Dad's room?

Even better son in Dad's bed, daughter in spare room and Dad on sofa/air bed in the living room!

Original poster
SplunkPostGres · 07/08/2022 22:18

Whispered call with DS just now crying that he wants to come home because Daddy is mean but begging me not to call him because he’ll be angry.

OP posts:
Kanaloa · 07/08/2022 22:20

I wouldn’t be sending him if he can’t have a bedroom and bed provided for them. Those are the very basics you provide your children. A child should have their own space to sleep in comfortably, not be sleeping on the living room floor on an inflatable mattress when everyone else decides to go to bed.

Kanaloa · 07/08/2022 22:20

And regardless of anything else he’s calling crying and wanting to come home. So why not bring him home?

Sweatinglikeabitch · 07/08/2022 22:24

Poor lad. If he wasn't going on holiday tomorrow I go get him but surely he'll be gutted he's missed the holiday? After they get back I'd say he needs a proper bed from now on or he's not going, it's not fair on him at all. Keeping him up when he's tired and upset for what reason? An 18 yo doesn't need a room, she's a uni student, she has her own place. He needs a room with his clothes and toys and his own bed.

Original poster
SplunkPostGres · 07/08/2022 22:24

I’m 250 miles away and I’ve never been to my ex husbands home. I have the address but short of putting it in the Sat Nav, and heading up the motorway, there’s not much else I can do. My ex husband isn’t the type to be able to call and advise DS is upset. I called earlier about pain relief for the knee and got short shrift.

OP posts:
EmergencyHepNeeded · 07/08/2022 22:24

Kanaloa · 07/08/2022 22:20

And regardless of anything else he’s calling crying and wanting to come home. So why not bring him home?

He is 250 miles away!

Hollychristmasjoy · 07/08/2022 22:24

Kanaloa · 07/08/2022 22:20

And regardless of anything else he’s calling crying and wanting to come home. So why not bring him home?

Well it’s 250 miles away for a start.
maybe the op has other kids in bed.
maybe dad won’t hand him over in the middle of the night.

im sure the OP has thought about picking him up if she could.

Deguster · 07/08/2022 22:24

My son has ASD and I’d be collecting him, OP. Can you drive?

it’s not just about the sleeping arrangements - it’s about causing disregulation and anxiety to your DS, and how long it can take autistic little people to recover from both. Your ex wouldn’t ask a child in a wheelchair to run for a bus and he shouldn’t be expecting your DS to cope with this.

Hollychristmasjoy · 07/08/2022 22:26

It’s shit but to be honest… there isn’t anything you can do.

how often are both the kids there at the same time?

Ponderingwindow · 07/08/2022 22:27

Of course he should have a proper bed. It’s supposed to be his home. His father needs to provide him a dedicated, quiet space. This is especially true if your son has ASD. It might not be a full private bedroom, but he should have a bed and quiet and be able to go to bed at a decent time.

dad could always be the one in the living room if he really can’t figure out a way to house all of the children he created.

Original poster
SplunkPostGres · 07/08/2022 22:29

If I thought there wouldn’t be a confrontation, I’d be in the car now but he’s unlikely to just hand him over with a holiday booked. I need to get him home and then I can have conversations about what needs to change.
I told DS if he really doesn’t want to go tomorrow he can ask someone at the airport to call his mum.

OP posts:
mycatisannoying · 07/08/2022 22:29

It's a difficult one. Ideally your relationship with your ex would be such that you can communicate openly and reasonably. And not have to sneak around behind his back with phones (which I don't think actually helps anyone).
Believe me OP, I do get it, as I have a tricky ex too Sad

Revolvingwhore · 07/08/2022 22:29

Larkin was dead right.

Gonetogetacoffee · 07/08/2022 22:32

His dad should give him his bedroom. Really can't understand why he hasn't done this !

mycatisannoying · 07/08/2022 22:33

I told DS if he really doesn’t want to go tomorrow he can ask someone at the airport to call his mum.

I'm really not sure I'd have done that. I'd be devastated if this happened to me at the airport!
The bed is a separate issue entirely and should be treated as such.

WinterMusings · 07/08/2022 22:37

Awww poor little sausage. Did he say what Daddy had done to be 'mean'? What's your ex husband like with him normally?

I don't think there's much you can do for now with them going on holiday tomorrow.

But I'd be reviewing the situation when they get back. Does DS usually want to go to stay with his Dad?

I wouldn't be making him if he doesn't want to.

The daughter is 18, has Uni digs & a bedroom at her Mums. DS is 9, with SEN. It needs to be his room at Dads. Not just a spare room he sometimes gets to use. The daughter could have easily slept on the sofa, or if no gf, with her Dad.