to say that DS should have the spare room?

[SplunkPostGres]

I’ve just had the second anxious call at bedtime from DS at his Dad’s house. He has to sleep on inflatable mattress in the living room because his Fathers daughter (18) from his first marriage is sleeping in the spare room.

This always happens. He doesn’t have a proper room at his Dad’s because it’s kept as a spare room. Whenever both children are there, it’s always DS who sleeps in the lounge. Tonight they’re packing for a holiday tomorrow and DS with a bad knee can’t go to bed until they do. He is 9. He has ASD. He needs to go to bed. And I’m 250 miles away and unable to do anything about it.

AIBU to say that DS should have a proper bed at his Dad’s house?

And this too

Regardless of ASD, it doesn't make sense that the youngest child should be forced to stay up until everyone else is ready to go to bed (assuming they're not going to bed early to accommodate him).

We live in a one-bed flat and when my SCs come they have our room and we sleep on a blow-up in the living room, mainly because of this exact reason - it wouldn't work for SD8 to have to stay up much later than 9pm, and it wouldn't work for everyone else to have to tiptoe around if she did go to sleep in the living room earlier.

That said though, it sounds like OP's DS visits his dad once a month AND the daughter isn't usually there - so this is a one-off? Which isn't too bad. Dad isn't handling it very sensitively but at least it seems it's just this one night.

I don’t know anyone who would prioritise their younger DC over their older ones when it comes to privacy.

I do agree but in this case I wouldn't consider it to be about privacy but about practicality? It doesn't make sense for a young child to have to stay up way later than they can really manage when there is a room they could be in.

I don't think the blow-up is inherently bad - you can get some pretty decent ones - but if he's going to be in the living room then the rest of the household needs to vacate that room early so he can sleep. If they won't do this then he should get the spare room.

It's really not a matter of adult priority over children, it's about need. A 9yr old child shouldn't be sleeping in a family room, where they are kept awake until late, when the two adults can sleep in bedrooms. Let alone a child with SEN.

Given the real distress this is causing the child, the situation needs to be addressed by the adults and resolved sensibly. One solution would be for the Dad to sleep in the family room.

I think you need to raise the issue as objectively and neutrally as possible, and ask Dad to consider other options. If he won't engage then you possibly need to balance the benefits of the relationship against the upset the situation is causing. Is it causing more harm than good? It really won't be long before DS can vote with his feet.

So many posters on this thread are outing themselves as ignorant fools by showing no understanding of ASD and yet ironically, assuming full understanding of the court ordered contact order and the OP’s past relationship.

It’s more important for a 18 year old woman to have a bedroom, rather than a nine year old with autism who isn’t allowed to go to bed until the adults decide they want to, because his blow up bed has been put in their living room? Really?

I really fucking hate AIBU, it’s populated by such inadequate people whose sole intent is to spew vitriol at every OP, regardless of the circs.

Reading this was actually a chilling experience. The spite and resentment against the ex partner, and the desire to land one on him by any means possible, just oozes out. I’m sensing something similar from the OP.

Kids of divorced parents ‘sob down the phone’ for all kinds of reasons. My friend’s stepson, aged 10, sobbed down the phone to his mother for three hours because his dad took him to a different sweet shop, rather than the shop the kid wanted to go to, which was 2 miles away. Encouraged by his mother, of course, who should have let her exH get on with the parenting. Or, as others have pointed out, children absorb tension from their parents.

The OP still hasn’t told us whose choice it was to move 250 miles away from where she and her ex-husband previously lived, and hence whose choice it was that the child should have a 500 mile round trip to his dad’s house. I wonder why that is?

No. I have an asd child and I work iwoth asd children.

They need strategies to cope with changes to routine the parent here is not helping.

It's like having a wheelchair user and putting the brakes on

Thinking like making accommodations based on disability?

You sound bitter.

I do agree but in this case I wouldn't consider it to be about privacy but about practicality? It doesn't make sense for a young child to have to stay up way later than they can really manage when there is a room they could be in.

Yes it should be about practicality but more importantly here, it should be about minimising change for an autistic child. He is used to sleeping in the spare room. Even if he was able to go to sleep at a normal time in the living room, he still would have been discombobulated if not distressed by sleeping in a different room. Especially on the night before he flies to a different place.

OP, as a mother of an autistic DC, you have my sympathy. It is awful hearing your autistic child distressed. I hope he is feeling better today and you’re able to speak to him before he goes.

Have you actually even read the thread?

The vitriol aimed at an 18 year old teenage girl on this thread is bizarre. The daughter is a red herring here. Their FATHER should make sure BOTH his children have a bed to sleep in when they stay. He should give his bedroom up for one of the children when they stay and the other in the spare room. The girl should be given the privacy she needs to undress and/or change sanitary wear without having to do it in the family area of the house with men around. And likewise his son should have a quiet room to himself to go to sleep and relax. I have ASD and still think it's inappropriate to expect an 18 year old girl to sleep in the living room. Their fathers inability to provide a bed for his children is the issue, not his daughter!

And it's absurd some of the suggestions that a female doesn't need any privacy or can sleep in bed with her dad! Quite an alarming safeguarding issue, if that's the kind of thing some people deem appropriate actually!

I don't see vitriol tbh, I think this is all a bit dramatic. An 18 year old of either sex should be fine to be pretty flexible about sleeping in the living room, whether that be on an air bed or the sofa, it just shouldn't be that big a deal for them. Uni is full of experiences like that, people of that age are generally equipped to cope and will have done things like this many times.

She doesn't have to get changed or change sanitary products in the living room, that's what bathrooms are for.

Yes the dad could give up his room so she could have it. I just think that it should be far less of a stretch for her to sleep in the living room than a 9 year old.

For me I think that the older child gets priority of the room.

However I do agree with many of the PPs about him having the spare room so he can go to bed earlier etc.

So surely the most obvious solution would be to have bunk beds in the spare bedroom so they can both use it whenever they are there and no one needs to sleep on the sofa or stay up late.

The girl should be given the privacy she needs to undress and/or change sanitary wear without having to do it in the family area of the house with men around.
It would be usual to undress and change sanitary wear in the bathroom.

Dad could share with either child, that isn't a safeguarding risk unless he is an incestuous pervert, which is an entirely different issue. The suggestion wasn't for her to share with a random man, but her own dad. The kids could also share. Otherwise dad should sleep in the living room, or put the airbed into a bedroom. What should happen is keeping the child awake when he's exhausted, for the convenience of the adults.

Still, this was last night. Hopefully they have got away without further upset OP. It's useful to use those working with your DS to help lay out what he needs at contact time, and to then share this with your ex. It should be focused on needs rather than wants, and may help him to understand how to make DS happier on visits.

The dad is the person who allowed the spare room to become double booked. It's fairly obvious that he should sleep on the sofa.

If I were her it wouldn't cross my mind to share a room with a 9 year old boy over sleeping in the living room by myself, so it wouldn't be the obvious solution to me!

Tbh I'd say an 18 year old girl has more need of privacy than a 9 year old boy... it does seem harsh but those are the ropes I'm afraid

FFS the young boy doesn't need "privacy" - he simply needs a quiet place where he can go to sleep at an appropriate time. His dad has been a bit of a twat here.
Those are the ropes I'm afraid.

If I were her it wouldn't cross my mind to share a room with a 9 year old boy over sleeping in the living room by myself, so it wouldn't be the obvious solution to me!

If you have 2 kids and only 1 bedroom then like most siblings they share.

If it was a permanent thing that it wouldn’t be very appropriate due to their sex and age difference but a few nights a year will be fine.

Under the circumstances I can't see how the DD is taking priority for the room. A 9YO, ASD or not, needs to go to bed alot earlier than an 18yo. The 18yo can get changed in the bathroom, they don't need privacy that trumps the need for a young child to sleep.

Add in the ASD and the fact he is already uncomfortable and upset and the dad is being a total dick here. As is the 18yo dsis I'd say aswell.

Why can't the 9yo sleep on the airbed in the spare bedroom, aswell as the 18yo for that night? Or why isn't he sleeping in his dads room?
He needs quiet to get to sleep.

All adults in that house are being ridiculously selfish and none appear to be considering this little boy at all.
OP, I feel for you. it must be heart wrenching to have your little boy on the phone in tears and you can't help him.

If he doesn't have the room for them both, then he needs to have only have 1 dc stay at a time, and given ds has to travel once a month 250miles to stay there, he should be given priority in staying in the bedroom for that weekend. If dd wants to also stay (for convenience of the airport ffs) then she sleeps in the sodding lounge).

I hope he has a lovely holiday, but it sounds like his needs are right way down at the bottom of the list with his pathetic father.

My point is it's no more "fine" than sleeping in the living room for a few days a year. I'd have much preferred that over sleeping in the room with a 9 year old boy at 18.

Obviously it would be different if it was full time.

If you can't see the issue with a female child being forced into sharing a bed with her father then I suggest you need a bit of safeguarding and coercion research. There's a lot more to safeguarding than sexual abuse/incest.

It's perfectly normal to undress in a bedroom. And have the choice to change sanitary protection in your room or bathroom.

In social housing the rules are that children under 10 can share with the opposite sex. And children 10-16 can share with the same sex.
That’s because younger children have less need for privacy and are much more flexible.

And those are rules made with NT children in mind.

DS is 9 and we're waiting for assessment, but there's little doubt he's ND.

He won't go to sleep on his own, has a strict bedtime routine we must follow and even after that can take an hour or two to go to sleep - he's often not asleep until gone 11pm. Transitions at bedtime can trigger violent meltdowns - sometimes just asking him to clean his teeth can cause this. He's an only child, but if he had a sibling it would not be fair on either of them to share a room. His flexibility on these things is limited. From taking him up until he's asleep and I can leave him takes 3-4hrs.

If I knew my 9 year old half brother had a 500 mile round journey to see my dad, and had a “bed” in the lounge for the weekend

My goodness - I’d be begging my dad to give him the spare room

If I knew my son and my daughter were BOTH staying at my house I'd arrange for them both to have a room for themselves. Your anger is completely misplaced. The father is the one who should give up his room!