to say that DS should have the spare room?

[SplunkPostGres]

I’ve just had the second anxious call at bedtime from DS at his Dad’s house. He has to sleep on inflatable mattress in the living room because his Fathers daughter (18) from his first marriage is sleeping in the spare room.

This always happens. He doesn’t have a proper room at his Dad’s because it’s kept as a spare room. Whenever both children are there, it’s always DS who sleeps in the lounge. Tonight they’re packing for a holiday tomorrow and DS with a bad knee can’t go to bed until they do. He is 9. He has ASD. He needs to go to bed. And I’m 250 miles away and unable to do anything about it.

AIBU to say that DS should have a proper bed at his Dad’s house?

I'd refuse to let him go again. If he goes to court, so be it. I'd stand there and tell them he doesn't even have a proper bed and his dad is a abusive prick towards him. Your DS is getting to that age where they'll take into account his own feelings about staying.

There are 2 bedrooms and a lounge. The kind thing to do would be to put the child (who has extra needs due to ASD and a painful knee) to bed early, in a quiet place - one of the bedrooms, then, later, when the adults want to go to bed, dd should have the other bedroom and dad have the living room. Sounds like dad and his dd are both selfish.

I told DS if he really doesn’t want to go tomorrow he can ask someone at the airport to call his mum

Really? You don't see anything wrong with this?
I'm wondering how much of his reactions are due to you stoking the fire. 🤷‍♀️

There will always be issues when two people who don't like each other, and have different ideas about parenting are trying to share the parenting of a child.

Whereas I tend to agree with most, that I would put a 9 yr old to bed much earlier than an adult, so, if they only have one living room, on this occasion I would expect the 18 yr old to take the air bed for one night, YABVU to suggest that your ds has his own room at his Dad's. He should treat both of his dc the same and - just as his dd may have a room at her Mum's, your ds has a room at yours, and them taking turns in the spare room at your ex's seems fair as a starting point. Or are you suggesting you will fund a bigger house for him so they can have one room each which they don't use for most of the time ?

YABVU you suggest you will fetch him from the airport as they are about to fly off too. It is our job as parents to help the dc appreciate the positives of whatever they are doing with the other parent, however much the two adults might dislike each other. The point is this is still the child's other parent. Undermining him throughout your ds's time there with sneaky phone calls is really unhelpful.

Telling him to tell a stranger at the airport to call his mum could cause all sorts of chaos and be fairly traumatic for him. I think you need to step back and let DS's dad parent him his way for these two weeks. I'd be making cheery breezy noises to DS. I think you have to be careful your not making it worse.

I feel very sorry for the half-sibling. She has equal right to stay at her father’s house and the younger child (in my opinion) can sleep perfectly well on an air bed and better than adults, even a young adult.

Dad should have made sure everyone left the living room at an early hour and needs to ensure there are adequate beds at least for the next few years. The daughter has no responsibility here and I’m sure your son will have control of the spare room for most of his visits to his father, if they continue.

The air bed could even go in the fathers room. Then nobody looses a bedroom!

Dad should be sleeping in the lounge and DS can have his room.

No its not acceptable. I was made to sleep in a corridor outside the toilet when I was his age as my stepfather wanted the spare room as his office. That was basically my "bedroom". Id have preferred the dogs kennel outside rather than try to get to sleep in a much used passageway.

Micromanaging who sleeps where at your ex's house also won't go down well in court. You have no right to demand the sleeping arrangements. Tbh I think he could end up with a good case for parental alienation if this post is anything to go by....

I’m going to try and get sleep now as I have a full on week at work. Always the case when DS is away and sabotaging holidays could not be further from my mind as it is the only child-free time I get.

as for ‘sneaky phone calls’, it’s my ex husband who thought it would be a good idea to give a 9 year old a phone. He doesn’t have one here but not my circus at his house. On two occasions this week I’ve had multiple texts and call attempts late at night from DS. Tonight’s went along the lines - Hello, Mummy? 😞 Hello? .
When he mentioned his bad knee, I encouraged hîm to get some Calpol and get an early night, saying I was off to bed soon. When he called, I called my ex husband asked him to give DS some Calpol and told hîm that DS needed to go to bed. Thirty minutes later DS called in tears. I told him he was coming home on Saturday but he cried saying that was a week away. I mentioned his holiday and fun he would have but he told me sobbing that ´Daddy is mean and I don’t want to go’. The only thing I could think of was to tell him that it would probably all seem better in the morning, and that if he really couldn’t go then he could speak to someone at the airport. He begged me not to call his Dad. For those saying they would have done differently, I guess you’ve never had your child sobbing down the phone to you whilst you were powerless to do anything

It’s unclear how long the daughter has been there? The entire fortnight or just the one night? Your son only goes eow and he has another child and only one bedroom so I think it’s fair it’s set up as a guest room. Personally I would have thought the best solution would be the 2 half siblings sleep in the guest room together.

@plinkypots unnecessary unhelpful comment.. Hardly micromanaging is it

i know you have no choice but 2 weeks away from home when he only usually stays eow is a long time. Many children (and adults!) find preparing to go on holiday stressful. I’m not surprised he’s tearful. He probably will be happier tomorrow

I really don’t think you are reassuring your son by telling him he can ask someone at the airport to call you?!

you should reassure him it isn’t the end of the world if his sleeping arrangements aren’t perfect (even if you would love him to sleep on a wonderful comfy mattress) he feeds off you so please be mindful of that?!

please reassure your son that he will have a great time on holiday, that he will still sleep well, that his dad loves him……….

The daughter could have easily slept on the sofa, or if no gf, with her Dad.

You are joking right - about the 18yo daughter sharing a bed with her dad??

Anyhow, it sounds like they've put the DD in the bedroom because they're leaving earlier for the airport so it makes sense for the ones leaving early not to disturb the one leaving later.

I think this particular sleeping situation is bearable but becoming a focal point for the bigger issue around the DS not wanting to go there, which will need to be tackled at some point. Was it the ex who moved 250miles away or the OP btw? How often does DS have to go there, according to the contact order? It's always going to be hard co-parenting acrimoniously over such a great distance, but I guess on the positive side the dad does want to see the DS and is taking him on holiday tomorrow so isn't a deadbeat who's let the relationship dwindle. It's hard, but is it really better to stop them maintaining a relationship? Of course he's going to want to be at home with his mum if that's his main residence and his ASD makes him especially wedded to his routines.

Op,

You did right, given the circumstances. You've done your best.

Long term, revisit the court order as your son deserves better.

On balance, I agree with @Quitelikeit and think positivity is going to help more than your suggestion about telling a stranger at the airport, as if he's some criminal abducting a poor kid rather than a dad trying to take his son on holiday. At the end of the day, the sleeping arrangement may not be the OP's favoured option, but it's an airbed in the lounge, hardly gross neglect.

Abusive prick? Christ almighty, that's a bit of a leap.

@plinkypots is right though @Hshhshsh - of course it is trying to micromanage. When a dc is with the other parent, then the other parent makes the decisions.

Exactly @Quitelikeit However hard it is for ex's on a personal level, the adults should always try to emphasise the positives and reassure / encourage the dc

Tbh, and I mean this gently, I t think the extended court cases have created a tension and that is causing a lot of the problems.

Sleeping on an inflatable in the living room, rather than being prioritised for the spare bed isnt ideal, but maybe an 18 year old girl doesnt want to sleep in the living room with her stepdad in the house.

Having a sore knee and not been given calpol sound so me like a 9 year old that has emotional pain from being seperated from you, that he's projecting into a physical illness. I get the feeling that you are more emotionally involved with him and his dad is more distant. I think he is looking for a feeling of being cared for, exaggerating a reason why he would need care, his dad is recognising the exaggeration, but you are recognising the emotional upset and want to soothe him, and you feel like you are caring for him by trying to get his dad to give him calpol.

He's 9, he;s a big boy now, and yest he may have some particular needs, but he still needs to navigate the world on his own terms. Daddy being mean isnt a reason to drop everything and travel 250 miles to pick him up if he throws a strop at the airport gates.

I think that NOW is the time to revisit the access arrangements. If you as RP didnt provide a proper and permanent sleeping space/bed for your child SS would be all over you, sadly the same rules do not seem to be applied by them to NRP (fathers mainly) who seem to be given a medal simply for seeing their kids at all!

I think start with your solicitor then the official channels. Keep and save all messages from DS, as awful as it is, texting him is better than calls as you can then show proof of how he feels and what is happening as he sounds too scared to say anything bad about his dad so may not give a full account if he is interviewed by CAFCASS, SS or other services.

And personally I do not think that "Abusive Prick" is a leap given that he either hasnt noticed or doesnt care that his son is desperately upset and either one makes him neglectful in my view, given that his son is terrified of his Dad getting angry (why, what will he do to the son, why is a 9 year old scared of saying he doesnt want to do something to his dad?), given that the son is in pain due to injury but the father gave the OP short shrift when she advised giving pain meds and that it sounds like he did the full "I WANT FULL CUSTODY" and dragged her through the courts during the divorce (no evidence of that but reading what the OP said, I have seen it so many times and would cheerfully place a bet of a years mortgage money on that one).

There cannot be many occasions when they are both there at the same time so I am guessing the majority of the time he does sleep in a bed there.
A child saying Dad has been mean does not equate to Dad being an abusive prick

I get the DS crying when he leaves Mum but he really should have been encouraged to enjoy it, rather than Mum saying she only went along with it because of the court order.

All 9 yr olds will say "Daddy (or Mummy) is being mean / horrible / nasty to me" at some point in their lives, if they think that will get them what they want from the other parent. Yes, even parents in the same house, who are very much still a couple.

If you as RP didnt provide a proper and permanent sleeping space/bed for your child SS would be all over you

I have to love your optimism, but you are WILDLY over-estimating the capacity that social care have for intervening in family life.
Unfortunately families housed by social services aren't even afforded this luxury. There are many child who share beds with siblings, for example.