to say that DS should have the spare room?

[SplunkPostGres]

I’ve just had the second anxious call at bedtime from DS at his Dad’s house. He has to sleep on inflatable mattress in the living room because his Fathers daughter (18) from his first marriage is sleeping in the spare room.

This always happens. He doesn’t have a proper room at his Dad’s because it’s kept as a spare room. Whenever both children are there, it’s always DS who sleeps in the lounge. Tonight they’re packing for a holiday tomorrow and DS with a bad knee can’t go to bed until they do. He is 9. He has ASD. He needs to go to bed. And I’m 250 miles away and unable to do anything about it.

AIBU to say that DS should have a proper bed at his Dad’s house?

Yet presumably he does get there and back somehow. So it’s not an impossible distance. Obviously perhaps not possible to go this second but ‘putting his address into the sat nav and heading down the motorway’ is probably what I’d be doing in this situation. Although it would have been better to consider it beforehand.

I told DS if he really doesn’t want to go tomorrow he can ask someone at the airport to call his mum

I probably wouldn't have said this, it's a bit much. It could cause a huge scene at the airport and he is the childs dad.

You must speak to your ex if your child really doesn't want to go. Dont leave it for the busy airport staff to sort out

What are the sleeping arrangements for the holiday?

Sometimes you have to compromise on sleeping when there are more people in the house, but they should all take turns to be displaced not just your ds every time.

I'm not sure what you can do this time in light of the holiday in the morning but I would be hesitant to keep sending him if things don't change.

Inflatable mattress in the living room is fine so long as everyone is out of the room when he wants to sleep. They should not expect him to stay up late.
Did he say what's happening that's upsetting him, what is his dad doing that's mean?

I told DS if he really doesn’t want to go tomorrow he can ask someone at the airport to call his mum.
That's unfair! How would you feel if you were taking him on holiday but his dad had told him he doesn't have to go if he doesn't want to?

I agree, saying this to him is really unreasonable in my opinion. The bed situation is a separate issue which can be sorted out when he gets home but this just makes it sound like you’re trying to sabotage the holiday.

To be honest, It’ll really screw my week up if I’ve got to drop everything to collect DS at an airport tomorrow. Let alone other plans if he doesn’t want to go again. But what else can I do? He’s upset and scared. I don’t want him to feel he’s obligated to go anywhere.

He’s had this since he was two years old, forced to be dragged away crying and screaming because of a contact order. I’m not going to ignore him now that he’s able to articulate his feelings about it.

Sometimes you have to compromise on sleeping when there are more people in the house, but they should all take turns to be displaced not just your ds every time

I agree for a NT child this would be reasonable. But not for an ASC child - his need for routine and familiarity trump all the adults (including the DD) to my mind.

But what else can I do? He’s upset and scared. I don’t want him to feel he’s obligated to go anywhere

But he is obligated to go with his father if there is a contact order in place? Or do I have that wrong?

In any case, speak to your ex about it tonight. Do not leave it for a big drama to happen in airport.

It does seem that the person young enough to need an earlier bedtime ought to be the one in the bedroom.

His dad doesn't sound very pleasant and it sounds like there's favouritism at play.

so children with special needs should have those needs ignored incase adult siblings are bitter

What is he scared about?

Poor little soul. I can remember being kept up late because relatives wanted to drag us round visiting family and crying with tiredness. If he is in pain and scared of his dad too, that is dreadful.
I don't know what you can do tonight, OP, but when he gets back can you ask school to organise some counselling? Maybe he will be able to talk about this with someone who can help?

Think you really need to speak to the dad now and not leave it til tomorrow, when your DS will be even more stressed.

If he lives alone, dad should give up his bedroom while his son is there. I would ever never expect a teenage girl to give up a private room to sleep in a shared living area.

His fathers daughter is also his sister. I send some hostility towards the girl which is misplaced. Dad is the one who needs to rearrange his living arrangements.

Unnecessarily bitchy @Revolvingwhore

This 🙁

If I call now he’ll just ignore me, give DS à telling off in the morning and I won’t hear from him again until he’s back on the weekend.

I’m hoping his bad mood will have blown over by tomorrow and DS will feel better knowing he’s still able to contact me. Plus it’s his birthday on Tuesday. Ex husband has deliberately not allowed me to speak to him in the past.

And before anyone asks why I send him. Court order. Thousands of pounds of legal representation and several years of hearings. Admittedly several years ago now and before DS had his diagnosis. If he continues to be upset then I’ll definitely revisit it.

pick your child up. I was one of those kids, I adored my dad, but had anxiety and was sometimes scared of his house at night. My mum always came and picked me up on the nights I was scare and couldn’t sleep. It made things better overall as I knew if I wanted to come home I could. I remember that feeling vividly, wanting to be tucked up in my own bed with my mum under the same roof. Don’t do it to your son, pick him up. Yeah

The sibling is 18 FFS. I'm almost 100% sure she won't be going to bed earlier than a 9 year old boy. Why does she get top trumps on the bedroom?

Gosh, conversely I think it’s brill you’ve given your ds a ‘worst case scenario get out’!! I’d fathom he’s really unlikely to use it unless he’s particularly distressed, and it may well give him a sense of ‘control’ over the situation and the confidence to go!! His dad is a dick, but that’s by the by!!

It has to be a ‘spare’ room as both siblings use the room, surely? The child from your ex-husband’s first marriage might have a room at her mum’s but your son has a room at your house. She should also spend time with her father if she is keen to do so.

On this occasion, I would expect the child (your son) to sleep on the blow-up mattress for one or two nights as children are lighter and smaller. I can’t see how his knee will be a problem and this isn’t the first time he’s slept on the air bed so it shouldn’t be too out of routine for him. Equally, I would expect the adults to vacate the room at a child-friendly time to allow him to sleep, even if it inconveniences them. Everyone has to adapt! Perhaps a bunk bed might be an option for the rare times both of your ex’s children stay at the same time?