to say that DS should have the spare room?

[SplunkPostGres]

I’ve just had the second anxious call at bedtime from DS at his Dad’s house. He has to sleep on inflatable mattress in the living room because his Fathers daughter (18) from his first marriage is sleeping in the spare room.

This always happens. He doesn’t have a proper room at his Dad’s because it’s kept as a spare room. Whenever both children are there, it’s always DS who sleeps in the lounge. Tonight they’re packing for a holiday tomorrow and DS with a bad knee can’t go to bed until they do. He is 9. He has ASD. He needs to go to bed. And I’m 250 miles away and unable to do anything about it.

AIBU to say that DS should have a proper bed at his Dad’s house?

His dad should either have a bed in his room or let ds have his room if dd is in the spare, particularly as ds goes to bed earlier

The priority in my opinion WRT who slept where tonight is the DS's ASD.

This is a boy who will naturally be anxious at change. He already has a big change and environment he doesn't know coming up - the holiday tomorrow.

Having him sleep in the living room instead of in the guest room where he usually does is another change. Proper parenting of a child with ASD means limiting the amount of change they have to experience at once. Your Ex should have allowed his son to sleep in the spare room as per his normal arrangement, and given his bedroom to his daughter and slept in the living room himself. Or asked his daughter if she'd mind sleeping in the living room as a one off. She's old enough to understand.

I don't think it was the best move telling you son to tell someone at the airport if he doesn't want to go on holiday. You should tell him to tell his father.

I'd call your ex tomorrow and say you're calling to say have a good trip and can you speak to DS, and I'd remind your Ex that a new environment/change in routine will mean your DS is more anxious than normal. Be positive with your son - acknowledge his anxiety and say that it's normal but point out that he may find some of the things on holiday exciting.

When they get back, you need to think about having a talk with your ex about how you both handle your DS's ASD. That may include taking action to change the contact order.

It is the 18 yr old's dad. Not her step dad.

And incase anyone is in doubt when you criticise the other parent to your child you do hurt their heart and mind. Best not to do it

when they are older ( 18+) yes but not when they are young!!!

please just don’t do it to satisfy yourself because they won’t understand it or be able to process it

I don’t mean criticise but to tell the truth

I think you’re getting a bit of a hard time. The onus for caring for and reassuring your son really lies with his father and not you. He should have realised the boy was in pain, and that he was upset and that keeping him up past 10 because they are still packing and disturbing him was likely to cause distress. Not an easy situation for you being hundreds of miles away and having to deal
with your sons distress over the phone, that’s his fathers job. I do agree telling him to approach a stranger at the airport and saying you’d pick him up were unwise. For a start how can you follow through if the airport is hundreds of miles away, they’ll have taken off by the time you got there! And obviously you can’t go past the check in area without a ticket. Did your son agree to the holiday? Is it something suitable that he’ enjoy?

You are right OP he needs his own bed and to be able to go to it to de stress.

My spare room has a single bed with a pull out bed under so it can be a single, a double or two singles. Something like that or bunks would allow his sister a bed when she visits.

It's not ideal but better than this.

Where has she done this? She reassured him he’d have fun on holiday? She’s complained about the father to other adults not the child. Tbh he doesn’t sound like dad of the year or that he’s interested in a positive relationship with OP, he refuses to let the child ring her if she steps out of line.

Why can't he sleep with his dad or him sleep in dads room and dad have the sofa?

I don't understand the pp who was calling the 18 year old selfish, it's the Dads responsibility to find a solution, not her. He should be the one giving up his bed and sleeping on the sofa, not her

If I were the 18 year old, I would have probably offered to move, but she probably doesn’t know how much your DS’s ASD affects him. Dad should have moved himself.

Anxiety can be an absolute bastard with ASD. Those suggesting a 9 yr old child should just suck it up and learn that it's just the way of the world have absolutely no fucking idea how bad things can get.

I've had my autistic child sobbing down the phone and desperate for me to come home (wildly different circumstances but still separation anxiety/needed the reassurance of me being there).

Sleeping in a blow-up bed isn't the issue although the change of sleeping arrangements may be tough. But expecting a 9yr old ASD child not to be able to stick to their normal sleeping time/routine and instead to wait up until everyone else has gone to bed will absolutely cause chaos and significant distress.

Obvs the relationship between OP and her ex has broken down - she says the ex won't even let DS speak to her on his birthday. I don't think it's a huge leap to suggest that the ex isn't properly considering DS's needs and instead is intent on punishing OP. I wonder how much he genuinely wants the contact or whether it's about depriving OP of it. Pure speculation obvs, but just based on the snippets of information here, he doesn't seem to especially put his child's needs first.

I probably would have gone and got DS now, but that's me. I understand why OP didn't and probably in the long term it's better that she didn't. I am pretty sure that DS won't tell someone at the airport to call his mum, even if he's upset. Just the idea of DS being in a different country though - Jesus, that's hard. If he has a total meltdown there's no way to reach him, you'll just have to wait it out til he's back. Listening to an autistic meltdown is horrible, it's so distressing - and depending on the child, it can go on for hours.

By the way, the PP who called it a "tantrum" at the airport can fuck right off. Go and educate yourself about autism.

OP, hopefully things are calmer in the morning. Once DS is en route he might feel OK. Sometimes the lead up to events and all the changes are the hardest but when he's there, the excitement and fun might take over.

But absolutely agree with @PyongyangKipperbang - keep everything as evidence and go and get legal advice. I think the visitation rights need to be looked at again. A diagnosis of ASD makes everything very different and if your ex can't or won't consider his additional needs, then the same contact may not be appropriate.

Hope you're OK.

Ugh this sounds awful for you and your son. He should absolutely have the spare room and his Dad sounds like a dick. Is he abusive? If I was you I would log these incidents and see if you can change the contact situation after this holiday. If a child refuses to go for their visitation then there isn't much the courts can do about it as long as the mother was seen to try to persuade them. Next time he has to visit if he gets upset before having to go I would record it as proof that it is his personal choice and not you stopping him. Isn't it true that after a certain age they have to take the child's view into account.

Your poor poor son has to regularly do a 500 mile journey to visit his father and sleep in the lounge.

what an absolute shit show

Let me get this straight

EOW your young son has to do a 500 round journey to his father’s?

There was a reent thread on the stepparent forum and the consensus was that a child coming EOW and holidays absolutely does not need a bedroom or a bed and that a sofa or airmattress is perfectly fine. The view was that they have a bed and bedroom at their primary home and don't need two or any dedicated space at the second home when they are only there a few nights a month.

Interesting how different the views are on this thread that the child should be prioritized and given a bed / bedroom / space.

Given the absolute upheaval to the child’s life in this scenario (500 mile round journey every other weekend FFS) - I think the poor chap deserves a decent sleeping space upon arrival.

i can’t get my head around this 9 year old child doing a 1000 miles of travelling every 4 weeks.

Knackered this morning as obviously didn’t sleep much.

I think AIBU was the wrong forum for this, and that I should have chosen one of the SN channels.

There’s a lot of expectation for a 9 year old with ASD to ‘suck it up’ which frankly isn’t possible. Post diagnosis, the focus now is on the legal duty for his school to create an environment to accommodate his needs. I don’t think it’s unreasonable to ask his parent to do the same. Transitions and change in routines are flagged as trigger points for hîm, so he’s likely to have been in significant distress last night.

There’s also a few comments saying that I should have invalidated his feelings by not acknowledging them and just focusing on the positives. Again this is a child who’s had horrific meltdowns at school due to his inability to articulate his feelings. I’ve had to read a lot of literature on emotional intelligence for children and also spoken to child psychologists. Telling him everything is fine, even he’s clearly saying otherwise, is not the answer.

I’m on my knees with parenting a child with ASD and juggling a full-time career. I don’t need or want this on his Dad’s time. I just need him to do the bare minimum of parenting for two weeks, so I don’t have DS distressed and wanting to come home, or worse not wanting to go again.

I personally agree! I don't think that non custodial kids should be relegated to sofas or the living room. The kids are part of the family and there should be some brainstorming to figure out a workable solution. It was just the very different views from thread to thread that I was commenting on.

Op

i am a lot more interested in how the hell your young son copes with a 500 mile round journey every fortnight?

His dad may not realise that DS is not happy about it. My DS regularly would express to me his frustrations rather then to his dad, which I would then address (though always encouraged him to talk to his dad).

Potentially their dad may be thinking that’s DD is 18 and needs her privacy.

Have you actually had a conversation with DS dad? DS may not be comfortable expressing to him.
It’s quite likely that his dad doesn’t see all that you have to do and doesn’t truly understand the impact, if you want DS to have a home away from home with his dad, you will need to work with him on that.

Without outing us, as it’s a very specific contact clause, I successfully argued that only 1 contact a month should involve travel. His father has to have contact in the local area for the other weekend. It’s still not ideal but it means the travel is limited to monthly.

You are being ridiculous. An adult female should always have a room over a child

It's like giving up a seat on the bus.

It's School holidays. He is fine

You told him to phone his mum???
Wow
You are making him feel unnecessarily anxious. You are projecting your fear onto your child. You should be encouraging him to look forward to his holiday. Especially if he has asd you should be equipping him with emotional capacity to deal with the changes not cause him additional anxiety.

You are the problem here I'm afraid