to say that DS should have the spare room?

[SplunkPostGres]

I’ve just had the second anxious call at bedtime from DS at his Dad’s house. He has to sleep on inflatable mattress in the living room because his Fathers daughter (18) from his first marriage is sleeping in the spare room.

This always happens. He doesn’t have a proper room at his Dad’s because it’s kept as a spare room. Whenever both children are there, it’s always DS who sleeps in the lounge. Tonight they’re packing for a holiday tomorrow and DS with a bad knee can’t go to bed until they do. He is 9. He has ASD. He needs to go to bed. And I’m 250 miles away and unable to do anything about it.

AIBU to say that DS should have a proper bed at his Dad’s house?

Honestly I think his dad should be sleeping in the living room. That's what I'd do if I were him.

Fucking hell

Aren't you a peach?

There needs a conversation.i up it's hard and your ex might have a go but fuck that let him.he needs to be told.his son needs his space.it needs to happen now.ready for next visit.
No child should have to go through that uncertainty,overwhelm and tiredness every time.he can't wait for adults to go to bed.
How often do him and step sis overlap.can they share.or share with his dad.can there be a curtained off split somewhere.
It needs discussing.this can't go on.the tiredness and fear ,the not feeling safe or settled or own space will be pushing your dc go breaking.

Yes, what some people put their kids through in the name of 'fairness' is just terrible.

OP. I’ve been where you are. Your EXH sounds a lot like mine.

we don’t have the ASd but the rest of it is thr same. Child sobbing down the phone etc.

If your EXh has parental responsibility DS can’t legally be removed from his care. But the closer DS gets to 14, the more his views will be taken into account.

I’d say you’ve got a 2 step process here. 1. Holiday: Text DS today and find out how he’s feeling about the hol. Try to reassure, encourage etc, it’s only a week, etc. If he’s adamant he can’t go/ is distressed, he’ll have to tell his dad he can’t go because he is too anxious, and you’ll have to back him explaining that his ASD won’t allow him to go, etc.

then be prepared for the fight but be clear it’s the ASD up that’s the issue. If your EXh is anything like mine, he’ll need something to blame. That will probably he you, but you can deflect some of it through the ASD.

step 2, revisit contact. It isn’t your EXh who has rights, it’s your son. He’s now 9 and has a voice. It’s an awful process to go through, but it will be different now from when he was little.

my DS is 14 now and has no contact with his dad. There is not a thing EXH can do about it. For you, it really is just a question of hanging in there and trying to get through as best you can, with DS needs and wishes at the forefront, for the next 2-3 years.

So once a month he does a 500 mile round journey.

do you drive him?

and then for the other weekend he has with his father - he goes somewhere closer

op - I would be taking this back to court.

this is no life for your young son

Does your ex have a partner? If not, why can’t he share his room with his ds whilst his teen Dd has her own room? How often does his Dd stay over? Your ds is only there once a month so this sounds like an ok setup (but not ideal). Was last night a one off because they were getting ready to go on holiday?

@Midlifemusings
I think I know the thread you mean and it was a totally different scenario for the following reasons as far as I can recall

1. the "child" was an older teen
2. there was a resident child on a camp bed in his parents room with no bedroom space at all while a room was reserved for his non resident adult sibling. There's a clear need for an autistic 9 year old to be given priority here I think.

An 18 y/o trumps a 9 y/o for the bedroom as 18 y/o do need more privacy.

How often is she there?
If she lives at uni it can’t be that often.

He could sleep in his dads room but he’d had more privacy in the front room.
Is the mattress uncomfortable as that’s an easy fix?

I know lots of children who permanently sleep in the front room due to lack of bedrooms and they don’t get upset over it as they know you can’t magic up another room, most kids also have a lot more siblings to share with but it sounds like this is more about him feeling unwanted.

This is obviously not working though.
I think the distance is way too far.

How come you live so far away from each other?

Id speak to ex about getting a proper mattress for DS or a fold out bed. So he’s physically more comfortable.

An 18 y/o trumps a 9 y/o for the bedroom as 18 y/o do need more privacy.

Really? I don't think that's true at all. An 18 year old is a flexible young adult who could easily sleep on a sofa for a night. A young child needs a proper bed and a routine.

Especially if he has asd you should be equipping him with emotional capacity to deal with the changes not cause him additional anxiety

oh, my sides… do you honestly think it’s as easy as saying “suck it up DS because I must instill your autistic ass with the capacity to deal with change!” Don’t you think the OP might have thought of that herself if it were remotely possible?

It’s pretty clear from these replies that PP think ASC can be “cured” with a bit of tough love. Which is, respectfully, ableist bullshit.

Really? I don't think that's true at all. An 18 year old is a flexible young adult who could easily sleep on a sofa for a night. A young child needs a proper bed and a routine.

I think a young child needs a routine definitely and I’d be speaking to DH about everyone going to bed earlier as it’s not fair that DS is having to stay up late because he has to.

But I think teenagers and young adults trump young kids and older adults, who don’t have a need for privacy or as much sleep as they do.

If she was there every time then I could see why she’d be asked to move but as she doesn’t live there then I think it’s fair she gets priority over that room.

If DS needs a bedroom then he can share with his dad or dad can be the one to sleep in the sofa.

Don’t be stupid. I wouldn’t let my child get up on a bus got a perfectly able adult.

*I think a young child needs a routine definitely and I’d be speaking to DH about everyone going to bed earlier as it’s not fair that DS is having to stay up late because he has to.

But I think teenagers and young adults trump young kids and older adults, who don’t have a need for privacy or as much sleep as they do.*

As an 18 year old uni student I was pretty mature and perfectly capable of being flexible about where I slept, I had no desperate need to be in a bedroom and a sofa for the night would not have been a problem. I'm not seeing why there's any pressing need for her to have privacy. She's the near adult, she should be the one that's able to be flexible.

I am so sorry your son is being put through this. Clearly his dad (like a few posters here) doesn't understand or know very much about ASD.
I think it might be an idea to discuss the situation with your son's psychiatrist and get some advice in writing going forward. The travelling and lack of routine/ sleep can't be good for him.

@maddy68

Especially if he has asd you should be equipping him with emotional capacity to deal with the changes not cause him additional anxiety.

Do you also tell wheelchair users that they need to learn to walk too? Given how spectacularly ignorant and ableist this comment is, you probably do.

OP, I'd start another thread in SN, there's some shocking ableism on this thread.

I'm not seeing why there's any pressing need for her to have privacy. She's the near adult, she should be the one that's able to be flexible.

In social housing the rules are that children under 10 can share with the opposite sex. And children 10-16 can share with the same sex.
That’s because younger children have less need for privacy and are much more flexible.

In primary school all of the kids get changed in the same room but in secondary school the boys and girls have separate changing rooms.

If you have 3 kids the same sex, the older one would get their own room above the younger ones.

Whenever I visited my grandparents all the younger kids would share a room and sleep in the same bed/floor.

I don’t know anyone who would prioritise their younger DC over their older ones when it comes to privacy.

The issue here is that a child who has already had a long journey, is in physical pain, anxious, who has ASD, is being kept awake long past his usual bedtime when a little bit of thought and logistics could have allowed him to be settled to sleep in peace. Ultimately this would be better for everyone. There are 3 rooms. A little bit of kindness and consideration would have been helpful.

A 9yo child will want to go to bed at 8/9pm. An 18yo and other adults much later … that’s ignoring the fact that a ND child NEEDS routine and really can’t cope without it. Plus an 18 yo uni student is probably used to sleeping on couches at friends houses after a night out ! Not sure why dad doesn’t understand his ds needs but I’d encourage him to go in the holiday and deal with it afterwards if you can op.

@TommySaid Yes but she's not an "older child" going through puberty etc and this isn't a permanent arrangement. She's an 18 year old uni student who has probably slept in far worse places than the family sofa for a night during her time as a young adult who has already lived independently. What's she going to do for a night/couple of nights that she so desperately needs privacy for?

I can't think of anyone that would put a young child (let alone with with ASD but that's just the cherry on top really) in the living room so that somebody in her circumstances didn't have to sleep there. It should be no big deal to her at all,

Dad should be giving son his bed and sleeping on inflatable or couch 🤷‍♀️

What is the sleeping set up on their holiday?

This