to say that DS should have the spare room?

[SplunkPostGres]

I’ve just had the second anxious call at bedtime from DS at his Dad’s house. He has to sleep on inflatable mattress in the living room because his Fathers daughter (18) from his first marriage is sleeping in the spare room.

This always happens. He doesn’t have a proper room at his Dad’s because it’s kept as a spare room. Whenever both children are there, it’s always DS who sleeps in the lounge. Tonight they’re packing for a holiday tomorrow and DS with a bad knee can’t go to bed until they do. He is 9. He has ASD. He needs to go to bed. And I’m 250 miles away and unable to do anything about it.

AIBU to say that DS should have a proper bed at his Dad’s house?

The father is a twat. The daughter will know that after 18 years.

So she presumably knows bugger all chance of her father giving up his room.

my anger is firmly on the courts for imposing a routine on his young boy that involves his doing a 500 miles round journey once month for a weekend visit.

If I knew my 9 year old half brother had a 500 mile round journey to see my dad, and had a “bed” in the lounge for the weekend

My goodness - I’d be begging my dad to give him the spare room

She doesn’t live there either though and we don’t know how far she travels.

I assume DS will have his own room for the next 2 weeks as she’s off on a different holiday to them.

my anger is firmly on the courts for imposing a routine on his young boy that involves his doing a 500 miles round journey once month for a weekend visit.

I agree.

This time for 2 weeks is fair enough but it’s way too far to travel once a month.

Id like to know the circumstances of this and if I was his dad I would want to move closer to him.

It seems to be his father hasn't really any idea how to parent a child with Autism. X

How do you know he is sleeping on the living room? It could be a different room. Cut the drama and the apron strings a bit and ensure the facts are correct. And have a conversation with his dad. Not through a confused child

Did you expect the 18 yo woman to sleep on the couch then? That would seem very wrong too. Not everyone would even HAVE a spare room for a kid to sleep in

Your ds need to talk to his dad and not call you about it. You say he has asd but by the sound he is on the formerly known as aspergers side of the scale. So let the kid talk to his dad. Or have you even considered talking to the kid's dad yourself??? Don't understand why you haven't.

Cut the drama and the apron strings?! He's a 9 year old with autism FFS not 19 yr old having a bit of a strop!!

And she would speak to his father but for two major reasons.....his ex wont talk to her and her son begged her not to because he fears his father would get angry.

Having had a child with a very abusive ex, I am glad that you have literally no idea what the OP or her child are dealing with because it means you have never had to. But bearing that in mind I would suggest you keep your "advice" to yourself since you also clearly have no idea what you are talking about.

Yeah. Agree with this. Whispered conversations like he's a hostage aren't helping. This is total triangulation and really bad for his MH.

It's not about the comfort of the air mattress and people saying he should suck it up because he's lighter aren't really grasping the reality of autism.

For example, when my autistic DS had to move to a different bedroom in our house, he had months of warning and it was decorated to his specifications. He was still disregulated and waking up distressed in the night for about 6 months afterwards because of the change of routine. That is how crucial routine and predictably can be to autistic children.

The air mattress would be fine if he slept on it every visit and it was his normal, it's the change that is the problem. The amount of distress caused to OP's DS by sleeping elsewhere is likely to be considerably more then the mild inconvenience that the NT 18 year old would experience if they moved.

The reality from autism really pp?the reality is that it is a scale. And not all kids with asd are the same as your kid.

The reality of autism is ITS A THING. No amount of "no kid would have been allowed to get away with it when I was a kid" will change that. No amount of "Bring back borstal" or "give them a thick ear" or "My dad wouldnt allow me to get away with a tantrum" will stop a ND kid from being ND.....thank goodness.

Not all kids with ASD are the same, thats why its called a spectrum, but there are some traits that are common and that need to be understood and allowed for.

Things have changed, maybe your thinking should change too.

• I say this as the mother of 6 children, none of whom are on the ASD.

I have a 9 year old with asd and he would be upset in this situation . It would ne even worse if he had to sleep downstairs in the livingroom and I wouldn't be happy either.

It sounds like your ex has no idea of his sons needs.

🙌hha thankyou!
A bit like mental illness is cured by a good attitude or choice or even a long walk.
Or losing weight = HEALTH and is just eating less!
God we have such a long way to go.

Did you expect the 18 yo woman to sleep on the couch then? That would seem very wrong too.

Why would it? This wouldn't phase me at all for a night.

Not all kids with ASD are the same, thats why its called a spectrum, but there are some traits that are common and that need to be understood and allowed for

Yes! 🙌 Appalling cruelty towards ASC children on this thread. It’s clear people actually still think they just need a firm hand and have been overindulged.

I’d sort of like to see them look after DS after he’s been disregulated by some apparently trivial event, like being expected to sleep in another room before the major challenge (to him) of going somewhere unfamiliar. I have literally sat for an hour with my hand between DS’ head and the wall while he recovered from a meltdown.

I agree, I am really surprised that people think it's so dreadful for an 18yo to literally spend one night on a sofa?! Or any woman tbh.

I am an adult woman and have more need for privacy than my 8 and 12yo SCs, but me and DP sleep in the living room when they are with us because 8yo needs to be able to go to bed at a decent time. I don't think it's outrageous, even though it means I have to sort clothes the day before and change in the bathroom in my own home...and yes even change periodwear where necessary :-/.

Anyway that's by-the-by and I am NOT that I am saying it should be the 18yo who gives up her bed here, it's all down to dad to sort it, but I am just assuming there is a reason why dad won't/can't - most likely that he has a partner who shares his bedroom and the other available beds (incl blow-up) are both singles, or something like that.

If it's a bit of a one-off, both kids aren't usually there at the same time and so it's not usually an issue I wouldn't make a fuss of it.

I’d sort of like to see them look after DS after he’s been disregulated by some apparently trivial event, like being expected to sleep in another room before the major challenge (to him) of going somewhere unfamiliar. I have literally sat for an hour with my hand between DS’ head and the wall while he recovered from a meltdown.

Completely agree BUT DS in this situation obviously isn't doing any of this otherwise his dad would need to be handling it? He has just phoned his mum a bit upset about it.

Hopefully he's now on his holidays and feeling better :)