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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To just want service, not unsolicited advice or comments?

450 replies

PalourGamer · 07/08/2022 12:04

This is frustrating me more and more lately when it comes to the service industry. Everyone has to chip in or feels they know better. A few incidences recently:

I returned an item to a shop; a gift from a friend that was the wrong size. The assistant checks the date on the receipt, starts processing the return and then says ‘You know today is the absolute last day you could have brought it back?’ I said yes, that’s why I’d come! He sort of laughed as if this was somehow cheeky, rather than me just returning something within the set period.

In a restaurant I asked for the salt when they brought out the food. Waitress narrows her eyes, pauses and then says ‘Have you tried it?’ I said ‘Not yet - but when I do, I might want salt. Please can you bring the salt?’ I don’t want her opinion, just the bloody salt!

Another restaurant. The waiter brings out the card machine; I move to take it so I can insert my card to pay. He pulls it away from me and says ‘You can use contactless’. I say ‘No, I can’t; I need to use the PIN’ and go to take the machine again. He pulls it back again and says ‘No, you can for that amount’. I say ‘Yes, for that amount - but not with this card’. He then finally lets me have the machine. If he’d just let me pay how I wanted it would have taken seconds.

Local leisure centre - there’s a counter where you get a basket for your things and hand it to the cloakroom attendant. I take my bag over to put in a basket and the attendant tries to grab it before I can. ‘All bagged up?’, she says, then ‘Ooh no, one of your zips is open’. I say ‘I know, it’s broken. But it’ll be in the basket anyway.’ She says ‘Oh, you don’t need a basket; I’ll just put it on the side’. I say no, something might fall out; I’ll take a basket. She says ‘No, it’ll be fine on the side; nothing will fall out’. I say I’d still prefer a basket. She says ‘Can I ask what the issue is with me just putting the bag on the side?’ I say - pretty coldly by this point - ‘Please can you just give me a basket?’ She eventually does, muttering something about ‘It just makes more work for us’. There would have been zero extra work if she’d just let me hand her a basket like everyone else instead of picking an argument!

I went to get my mobile phone screen fixed. When I return later to collect it, he asks ‘How long have you had the device?’ I say ‘Abour four months; why?’ He says, ‘And this is your first repair?’ None of your damn business! I’m not asking you to do it for free - you don’t need to know if I’ve dropped my phone once or do it on a weekly basis!

Is it really too much to ask to just be served without commentary, questions or tips on how to do it better?

OP posts:
gatehouseoffleet · 07/08/2022 13:53

Making sure that you’re aware of the returns date limit so that you don’t end up disappointed

but the OP was already there to do her return. How was she going to be disappointed when she was there, within the time limit? There was absolutely no need for the member of staff to point it out. I agree that one could have been making conversation.

But how many repairs is someone really likely to have in the first four months of buying a phone? They are a bit crap if you even need one?

palygold · 07/08/2022 13:54

I think most people wouldn't give these interactions a second thought, OP, much less dedicate a post complaining about petty examples. You do sound like you're overthinking.

SleepingAgent · 07/08/2022 13:55

@Sunshineona why the FUCK should OP have to explain or justify or make up a lie that she uses lots of salt in a restaurant where she is PAYING for her meal.

God it's British people pleasing to the nth degree. "I'd like something and I'm going to tell you a whole story/lie to justify why little ol quiet me should get what I want cos I'm so insignificant I have to have a reason to ask for something". Ridiculous!

If she wants salt, waitress should bring salt without question and say nothing more than "enjoy your meal" with a smile.

AchatAVendre · 07/08/2022 13:55

Oh YANBU OP, not by any shot! I think it correlates to increasing regulation personally.

In one restaurant, I ordered a stew and it came back with mainly meat, sauce and a few vegetables including about 3 minute slices of potato. So I asked the waiter if I could have an additional side dish of potatoes of some form. After about 5 minutes, he came back and said "The chef says the dish is designed to be eaten without extra potatoes". I repeated my request and eventually the potatoes turned up, by which time the stew was cold and my dinner companion finished his main course. It was one of those unfeasibly popular restaurants that people rave about, I think they might have been running out of food due to taking too many bookings.

Leisure centres - don't get me started. The rules are so strict as to what you can and cannot do, and vary from one to another. As a fast swimmer, I often get told I'm doing something wrong because someone has complained about me splashing them in the fast lane or I've used a piece of equipment banned in one pool but not another. But the lectures! Sometimes you get a staff member who will call you over to the side of the pool and inform you at length of your misdemeanour, while you freeze as you are no longer moving. On and on they go, I think I got 10 minutes at the side of the pool and a lecture on the dangers of using soft hand paddles and influencing other pool users because they might not realise they are soft the last time. And then the same attendant was waiting for me as I walked out past reception again to say "I'm sorry about that, but its really important to understand the rules because blah blah blah blah" - I must admit I just did a runner at that point.

And then of course they miss the creepy man playing with himself in the communal shower and do nothing about it when you report him...

The classic one in the pool is of course when a man comes along to tell you how to train more effectively, how to do intervals, time yourself, 5 x 50 metres, whatever and not to just swim up and down and you reply "I'm still doing my warm up..."

Please can I appeal to people that even if they do really like rules, safety and the little bit of power some positions can give them, don't use it to lecture people during their leisure time. University is the place for lectures...

wishmyhousetidy · 07/08/2022 13:57

iklboo · 07/08/2022 12:20

You're really overthinking this. It's small talk & being helpful. You'd probably complain if people handed things over without a word as well.

Chap with the return - is saying 'ooh good job you brought it today or we couldn't have refunded'. You inferred he thought you were being cheeky. That's you.

Waitress has probably had loads of people asking for salt before trying food then complaining it was too salty.

Card machine guy - you could have said at the first exchanged you needed to use PIN with that card instead of playing tug of war with the machine.

Phone guy - impressed it's only your first repair. He sees loads of mangled phones younger than yours.

Leisure centre - why didn't you just ask for a basket first?

You don't sound like hard work to me, OP, the people you asked for things are supposed to be serving the customer not dishing out opinions on whether the customer should have/needs what they have asked for.

Oh yes. Serving staff should Know Their Place shouldn't they?

agree with all this. With all the things going on in the world these comments seriously bug you? Most people don’t analysis everything they say. Nothing said to you was offensive or rude- we seem to be becoming a country where whatever you say is misinterpreted- I am sure like others have said it’s people just passing the time of day with you and not realising you are finding their comments so torturous

VestaTilley · 07/08/2022 13:59

I’m with you, OP. I’ve worked in retail- it’s long, hard and arduous, but part of giving good service is not being over familiar or asking too many questions.

Today we had a taxi driver who started talking about kids and saying families need more than one child. I know it’s just aimless chat, but it’s annoying and insensitive - to some couples it could also be very upsetting.

When I was having a terrible time breastfeeding I was asked by a shop assistant if I had was breastfeeding; I had DS with me but had done nothing to initiate conversation- that really upset me.

Another time a post office worker was trying to flog savings accounts and asked me if I had one. I politely said “no thank you”, and that I just wanted to post my parcel- and she kept going on about it! Like- mind your own bloody business!

All three times women had English as a second language, so I appreciate may be from cultures that are far more open than British people, but I wish people would mind their own business - saying “no, thank you” once should suffice.

SleepingAgent · 07/08/2022 13:59

Onandupw · 07/08/2022 13:08

I’m guessing you’re a woman?

there’ll be An uproar at my comment - but would bet a million pounds thst men don’t get as much as this kind of crap

No uproar from me at all, it's entirely to be expected in our patriarchal society. Men definitely don't get questioned on their choices nearly as much in every sphere of life.

honeylulu · 07/08/2022 14:01

I think it's OK when they are bringing something to your attention that you may have realised but to push on with it as if they know better despite you expressing the opposite wish is patronising.

I has this when I was trying to get a toughened glass apex installed over our basement lightwell. At the moment we have a gardeners cold frame to stop leaves, rain getting in. The room is the kids TV room and it has a fire escape window and I wanted the apex to also be openable from the inside so they could climb out in an emergency. I spoke to one pompous arse who told me they didn't do basement glass that opened and I would have to have a fixed one. I said no thanks that's not what I want, it needs to be maintained as an escape route. He actually said that's rubbish as the Building Regs say only bedrooms/upper rooms need to have accessible windows. I know full well what the Building Regs say as I'm a construction lawyer but I want an accessible lightwell in case the stairs get blocked and my kids need to escape. It is my house and I know what I want. Yet he still told me to just send him the measurements and he'd quote for some fixed glass. Errrrr .... nope!

TheEponymousGrub · 07/08/2022 14:04

Bubbafly · 07/08/2022 12:26

Mortified for you. You sound salty enough without asking for more in a restaurant.

😂

BronwenFrideswide · 07/08/2022 14:04

SleepingAgent · 07/08/2022 13:55

@Sunshineona why the FUCK should OP have to explain or justify or make up a lie that she uses lots of salt in a restaurant where she is PAYING for her meal.

God it's British people pleasing to the nth degree. "I'd like something and I'm going to tell you a whole story/lie to justify why little ol quiet me should get what I want cos I'm so insignificant I have to have a reason to ask for something". Ridiculous!

If she wants salt, waitress should bring salt without question and say nothing more than "enjoy your meal" with a smile.

A million times yes to this @SleepingAgent it all meek, submissiveness, please like me bullshit.

You want salt, you get given salt, no comment, no need for justification, no judgement.

FatBettyintheCoop · 07/08/2022 14:08

I get it OP. Of course YANBU at all.

I love chit chatting to people in shops but not when they’re being condescending twats and it’s very obvious which camp they're in. It’s more of that bullshit ‘Be Kind’ bollocks especially designed to put women in their place.

As an older women, this pisses me off massively, especially when anything Tech is involved. My late dad was an electronics engineer and designed new technology for a living and I was introduced to computing back in the early 70’s as a child. I had my first Macintosh computer in the 80’s and years of experience in IT but because I’m overweight and ordinary looking, the fuckers assume I’m clueless despite being very clear and concise about what I’m asking for.

My DH and other men never get treated to that shit. It’s mildly amusing when they try to ignore me and talk directly to DH and he firmly tells them ‘speak to my wife as I don’t know anything about X, don’t drive, whatever…’

I say Fuck ‘em all!! 🤬🤣🤣

Sometimeswinning · 07/08/2022 14:09

I don't think you're being unreasonable. I always get told to use the self service machines. I say I'm good thanks. I then get told its quicker! (It's not all my children want to do it, I have too much stuff to fit on the stand, the kids do it too fast, the item doesn't register and I have to slam said item down with force, I then need to wait for someone to come reset it and then it starts all over again!! Then I may have alcohol!)

Sorry, I just have issues with these things!!

LairyMcClairy · 07/08/2022 14:09

I worked in a retail healthcare role for 8 years and definitely noticed that lots of staff would be absolutely filled with charm when interacting with customers who were polite, light and friendly but the tiniest hint of a brusque or slightly cooler approach had their heckles up delivering borderline unacceptable service. They kind of mirrored the customer but perhaps went a bit further as punishment (maybe) for not being nice to them.

godmum56 · 07/08/2022 14:11

i agree....one overhelpful (ha!) person I can live with but when it goes on and on and on. Especially if there is one of those "we do not tolerate rudeness to our staff" posters displayed.

Outlyingtrout · 07/08/2022 14:11

Vaguely wondering if you might be my mother 🤔

My mum would tell you that she encounters dozens of rude service staff (and indeed just people in general) every week. In reality, she is very confrontational and brusque in her manner which frequently sets the tone for an exchange and which, as an observer (a very embarrassed observer), I can clearly see would have been completely different were it not for her behaviour. She also - similarly to you in starting this thread - stews on these interactions for several days/weeks afterwards, intensifying her feelings that she's right and everyone else is the problem.

I would remind you that people in service roles are rarely well-paid and do not deserve to be treated poorly or on the receiving end of anyone else's bad attitude or rudeness.

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe · 07/08/2022 14:12

wishmyhousetidy · 07/08/2022 13:57

agree with all this. With all the things going on in the world these comments seriously bug you? Most people don’t analysis everything they say. Nothing said to you was offensive or rude- we seem to be becoming a country where whatever you say is misinterpreted- I am sure like others have said it’s people just passing the time of day with you and not realising you are finding their comments so torturous

You and the others doing it, would dream of dismissing the OP if she were male. If the customer were male they don't have to put up with a stream of consciousness about every little thing.

If service staff do behave like this then it's hardly surprising that customers get tired of it. There's just no need; do the job and move on to the next. That's all anybody wants from you/anybody else doing a job.

I haven't experienced many instances as the OP describes but I don't doubt it. I've been in many a checkout where the cashier is having an extended chat with whomever they're serving. It's annoying and other than a polite hello, I don't engage with it when it's my turn to be served as everybody behind me has already been waiting.

Telling the OP she's 'over-thinking is reductive and just rude.

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe · 07/08/2022 14:12

*wouldn't dream of

5thHelena · 07/08/2022 14:14

Eurgh what a misery

PrincessRd · 07/08/2022 14:15

You’ve made me chuckle- are you me? I also wish people would keep their stupid opinions to themselves. I have to sometimes stop myself from actually saying ‘stop talking please’ 🤣

Rosebel · 07/08/2022 14:17

iklboo · 07/08/2022 12:20

You're really overthinking this. It's small talk & being helpful. You'd probably complain if people handed things over without a word as well.

Chap with the return - is saying 'ooh good job you brought it today or we couldn't have refunded'. You inferred he thought you were being cheeky. That's you.

Waitress has probably had loads of people asking for salt before trying food then complaining it was too salty.

Card machine guy - you could have said at the first exchanged you needed to use PIN with that card instead of playing tug of war with the machine.

Phone guy - impressed it's only your first repair. He sees loads of mangled phones younger than yours.

Leisure centre - why didn't you just ask for a basket first?

You don't sound like hard work to me, OP, the people you asked for things are supposed to be serving the customer not dishing out opinions on whether the customer should have/needs what they have asked for.

Oh yes. Serving staff should Know Their Place shouldn't they?

I agree with this. They are either making small talk or trying to help. The leisure centre one does sound a bit odd but was it really worth getting worked up about.
You sound really really hard work.

Mally100 · 07/08/2022 14:17

You sound highly strung and absolutely hard work. In each example I can't see what anyone did so wrong. I bet you walk around with a rbf too.

NoSquirrels · 07/08/2022 14:17

BronwenFrideswide · 07/08/2022 13:39

Salting food you haven’t tasted is rude. Of course, it’s your prerogative and probably the waitress should have just brought it with no comment as you’re a paying customer. But it’s rude to salt food you haven’t tried so… suck that one up, OP.

Once the food is in front of you it is entirely up to you how and what condiments you choose to add to it either before or after you have tasted it, it's not rude at all it's your food at that point.

It is, of course, entirely up to you how and what condiments you choose to add to it either before or after you have tasted it.

That doesn’t stop it being rude to add salt before tasting, though.

It’s not quite as rude in a restaurant as it is at a dinner party, because the cook/chef isn’t right in front of you. You’re paying for the meal and the service, so you can do what you want and have what you want, no problem. But people who work with food - chefs, waiting staff - generally want their work to be appreciated. Adding salt before tasting says you don’t think it will be any good.

OP can ask for salt, the waitress shouldn’t have commented. But the reason she commented is that it’s generally accepted to be rude/ignorant to add salt before tasting.

powershowerforanhour · 07/08/2022 14:20

"You sound very difficult. Have you noticed you are the common denominator in all these daily “problems”."

OP is the common denominator but not necessarily because she is a "difficult woman". It could just be because she is a woman- perhaps one who isn't very tall, or has a naturally light pitched voice , or has a face that looks under about 25 or over about 45.

Get boots with a good bit of heel that make a bit of a parade ground marching sound when you approach and , if they make you taller than the person you're talking to, stand in a tiny fraction closer than you usually would. Make sure your diction is very clear, et voilà. Works wonders. It's a pain in the arse if you're just trying to go down the shop or whatever but hey ho.

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe · 07/08/2022 14:20

Outlyingtrout
I would remind you that people in service roles are rarely well-paid and do not deserve to be treated poorly or on the receiving end of anyone else's bad attitude or rudeness.

What point exactly are you making? That, if staff are paid NMW they should be tolerated to witter on and provide a poor service? That if they were paid more then they would be happier to have rude customers?

Most customers, I won't say 'all', but definitely most, just want to get in, get whatever they need doing, done - and then go. They don't want or need a discussion about it. Sometimes customers have an off-day, sure. So do service staff, they're not immune to that.

People just want quick, efficient service wherever they are. I'm not in the service industry but it's the same for me in my job; quick hello and then get on with it, that's the expectation and I'm happy to oblige.

LoveMyPiano · 07/08/2022 14:21

When everyone you meet is an ahole - then you're the ahole.

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