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Original poster

Who is in this wrong in this situation re diary

341 replies

Theresnolimit505 · 06/08/2022 23:22

At my parents' house with a boyfriend of a few months and in my old room. We come across my old diary in which I wrote a ton of hideously cringy things as you do when you're a teenager. Very personal stuff too.
He wanted to read it but I said I'd prefer him not to. He was insisting he read it and wrestling it off me.
In the end he gave up and went to the toilet. Whilst he was out, I ripped out the two most embarrassing pages in my eyes.
He came back and said can I read it now? So I said ok then..he opened it and noticed the 2 ripped out pages and went mad.
Saying, "If you lie about this, it makes me wonder what else you lie about?"
Who was in the wrong here? Surely I have a right to privacy

OP posts:
Cherchezlaspice · 07/08/2022 10:21

Suetodo88 · 07/08/2022 10:13

@Cherchezlaspice

I just can’t imagine wanting to keep secrets like that from any boyfriend (I’m married now). I mean isn’t that the point of being with someone? That you tell them everything you feel?

Maybe I do have no boundaries by some standards Idk. I’m genuinely confused that so many women wouldn’t want to share it.

Relationships are about love and sharing, but do not necessitate or require the sharing of every thought. You do not suddenly fuse and become one person. You remain separate human beings with individual thoughts, histories and the right to privacy.

What you’ve described is deeply unhealthy, controlling and codependent. It’s not a relationship that most people (not most women, most people) would want. If it’s how you choose to live your life, great for you.

However, this wide eyed claiming to be ‘genuinely confused’ and ‘not understand’ what has been explained comprehensively by dozens of people smacks of trolling. Unless you are only able to ‘understand’ when people think and behave in the exact same way as you and are ‘genuinely confused’ when they don’t. In which case, you have a real problem that’s beyond MN’s pay grade.

ReneBumsWombats · 07/08/2022 10:22

I mean isn’t that the point of being with someone? That you tell them everything you feel?

Er....everything? Even embarrassing, ridiculous, angsty teenage thoughts that serve no purpose except to make you glad you're no longer 14?

That's certainly not what my relationship is about.

ReneBumsWombats · 07/08/2022 10:24

The only people I've known who insist on knowing every private thought or else I have failed to love them properly have been controlling, abusive arseholes.

ClinkeyMonkey · 07/08/2022 10:26

Suetodo88 · 07/08/2022 10:13

@Cherchezlaspice

I just can’t imagine wanting to keep secrets like that from any boyfriend (I’m married now). I mean isn’t that the point of being with someone? That you tell them everything you feel?

Maybe I do have no boundaries by some standards Idk. I’m genuinely confused that so many women wouldn’t want to share it.

If DP shared ALL his teenage thoughts with me, written or spoken, I think I would slowly lose the will to live. It's like someone telling you their dreams - it's just, well, boring. Fair enough if you're both sharing your memories and having a heart to heart, or even a laugh. But there's no absolute right to full disclosure.

TedMullins · 07/08/2022 10:28

Suetodo88 · 07/08/2022 10:13

@Cherchezlaspice

I just can’t imagine wanting to keep secrets like that from any boyfriend (I’m married now). I mean isn’t that the point of being with someone? That you tell them everything you feel?

Maybe I do have no boundaries by some standards Idk. I’m genuinely confused that so many women wouldn’t want to share it.

Erm, no, that is not the point of being in a relationship. You don’t cease to be an individual. As a PP said maybe reflect on the fact that pretty much everyone here disagrees with you. Do you feel entitled to know absolutely everything about your spouse’s life and thoughts and feelings from before you met?

bloodyunicorns · 07/08/2022 10:31

This reply has been deleted

This has been deleted by MNHQ for breaking our Talk Guidelines.

No way!! Why should op want to share her diaries??

bloodyunicorns · 07/08/2022 10:32

MrsTerryPratchett · 06/08/2022 23:38

@ulteriorbread has never met a woman worth agreeing with.

It's all over the boards. Safe to completely ignore.

Confused👍🏼

bloodyunicorns · 07/08/2022 10:33

Tbh being with someone who even had a diary would be flag enough for me.

Keeping a diary as a teenager is a red flag??? You are bonkers.

MissLucyEyelesbarrow · 07/08/2022 10:37

Dump him. A friend once did this to me - grabbed my diary and locked herself in the bathroom to read it. The difference is she was 10 at the time. A grown man doing it is a massive 🚩

Suetodo88 · 07/08/2022 10:38

@TedMullins @ClinkeyMonkey

These boards aren’t representative. I know a lot of my friends who tell their partners and husbands everything. I like to share those things, many do. Maybe he’s used to that?

I think it’s different, most men don’t want to share that way. For me I prefer for people to know more about how I feel.

I appreciate not everyone here feels this way but I prefer to feel understood by a man in a relationship as opposed to wanting to be mysterious or closed off.

SirVixofVixHall · 07/08/2022 10:40

Aquamarine1029 · 06/08/2022 23:27

You would have to be absolutely insane to stay with this man. He is a walking, talking gigantic red flag. He's horrible.

I agree with this. Jealous, controlling, paranoid and unreasonable. None of those are good traits in a partner.
Before long he will be checking your phone messages, reading email etc.
Your teenage diary is none of his business ! If you say it is private then he should respect that. Mine was very cringy and I binned it, I feel sad now though. If DH had asked to read it I would have said a firm NO and he would have left it.

Viviennemary · 07/08/2022 10:42

Get rid of this idiot. He will make your life a misery. No business of his what you wrote in your diary.

TedMullins · 07/08/2022 10:45

Suetodo88 · 07/08/2022 10:38

@TedMullins @ClinkeyMonkey

These boards aren’t representative. I know a lot of my friends who tell their partners and husbands everything. I like to share those things, many do. Maybe he’s used to that?

I think it’s different, most men don’t want to share that way. For me I prefer for people to know more about how I feel.

I appreciate not everyone here feels this way but I prefer to feel understood by a man in a relationship as opposed to wanting to be mysterious or closed off.

So you feel obliged to share everything about yourself but don’t expect the same from your husband because “most men don’t do that”? And that’s ok with you? Sounds like internalised misogyny to me

wellhelloitsme · 07/08/2022 10:46

Suetodo88 · 07/08/2022 10:38

@TedMullins @ClinkeyMonkey

These boards aren’t representative. I know a lot of my friends who tell their partners and husbands everything. I like to share those things, many do. Maybe he’s used to that?

I think it’s different, most men don’t want to share that way. For me I prefer for people to know more about how I feel.

I appreciate not everyone here feels this way but I prefer to feel understood by a man in a relationship as opposed to wanting to be mysterious or closed off.

Having private thoughts and feelings doesn't equal being 'mysterious' or 'closed off'.

What an odd thing to think.

It simply means someone has a different style of processing to you.

Not everyone feels the need to share every thought or feeling with someone.

Having a private thought or feeling isn't the same as keeping a secret...

Behappyplease · 07/08/2022 10:47

I take it your boyfriend is aged about 14?? If he is above this age dump him, kick him out today and breathe a big sigh of relief you won’t waste any more time on him.

wellhelloitsme · 07/08/2022 10:48

Has @ulteriorbread finally been banned? Thank fuck for that.

MomOfTwoGirls2 · 07/08/2022 10:52

You need to dump this boyfriend.
He has absolutely no respect for you.
No means No. You are ENTITLED to privacy.

He has shown you who he is. Get rid of him quickly.

Hopeandlove · 07/08/2022 10:54

watcherintherye · 06/08/2022 23:36

🚩🚩🚩
Nobody has a right to read something you regard as personal and private. You shouldn’t have to ‘edit’ it, so that you feel better about giving in to him, and his reaction is really disturbing. He is going to trample all over any boundaries you try to set.

This. I once had an ex boyfriend insist on knowing every single sexual act I had done with anyone else. In the guise of honesty. I was young and in love and wanted to marry him and didn’t see it for the control it was. I do now - if someone insisted on it to me now - I would dump and finish it

Suetodo88 · 07/08/2022 10:55

@TedMullins

I want to do it

WomanStanleyWoman2 · 07/08/2022 10:55

Suetodo88 · 07/08/2022 10:13

@Cherchezlaspice

I just can’t imagine wanting to keep secrets like that from any boyfriend (I’m married now). I mean isn’t that the point of being with someone? That you tell them everything you feel?

Maybe I do have no boundaries by some standards Idk. I’m genuinely confused that so many women wouldn’t want to share it.

Then I recommend getting a better imagination. The ability to conceive that other people see things differently to you will serve you well in life.

Personally, I don’t think it’s particularly healthy to feel obliged to tell your partner absolutely everything, all the time. It’s one step from that to ‘But why do you need to confide in your friends? You’ve got me’. And then it becomes ‘But why do you even need to spend time with other people? Aren’t I enough for you?!’ It’s a gateway to control and isolation from others.

ClinkeyMonkey · 07/08/2022 10:58

I appreciate not everyone here feels this way but I prefer to feel understood by a man in a relationship as opposed to wanting to be mysterious or closed off.

There is a huge expanse of middle ground between sharing everything and remaining 'closed off'. It's not a case of either/or. And it's not being 'mysterious' to want to keep some (or even a lot) of information to yourself, especially when it pertains to private thoughts which may have been all consuming at the time, but have little or no relevance now.

Suetodo88 · 07/08/2022 10:58

@TedMullins

How is it “internalised misogny”?
Its just been my experience that most men don’t do or want to do that and I do. I’m not saying one way is bad or good.

Sunshineona · 07/08/2022 11:02

You absolutely have a right to privacy. The issue here isn’t you ripping out the pages, it’s him trying to physically force you into letting go of the diary and then making you feel you have no alternative but do rip out pages. He isn’t angry about seeing the pages, he’s angry because he failed in his attempt to control you and force you do do something you clearly didn’t want to do.

His behaviour is red flaggy. Be alert for other attempts to control you. I’m guessing he’s a good looking guy who makes you feel lucky to have him, but if he’s trying to control you like this now, I worry for your future if you stay with him. He doesn’t respect you or care about your feelings. This won’t end well.

Suetodo88 · 07/08/2022 11:03

@WomanStanleyWoman2

Your not seeing it the right way - I’m not saying I’m happy to tell my husband (formerly boyfriends) everything they ask to know, he doesn’t ask or demand to know, I’m saying I usually do confide everything really important to me or things from my past and would show a diary probably if I just found it one day, not because they asked or even knew it existed, just because it’s what I’d do.

If a man I loved in a relationship asked me how I felt about something or some part of my life (like a diary) not in a controlling way I would just tell him. But I would probably tell him even if he didn’t ask.

I think a lot of other women are like that. It’s not wrong.

Maybeebebe · 07/08/2022 11:03

Hope he is an ex now

If this is how he treats you at the beginning.... red flag