Who is in this wrong in this situation re diary

[Theresnolimit505]

At my parents' house with a boyfriend of a few months and in my old room. We come across my old diary in which I wrote a ton of hideously cringy things as you do when you're a teenager. Very personal stuff too.
He wanted to read it but I said I'd prefer him not to. He was insisting he read it and wrestling it off me.
In the end he gave up and went to the toilet. Whilst he was out, I ripped out the two most embarrassing pages in my eyes.
He came back and said can I read it now? So I said ok then..he opened it and noticed the 2 ripped out pages and went mad.
Saying, "If you lie about this, it makes me wonder what else you lie about?"
Who was in the wrong here? Surely I have a right to privacy

I totally agree with you.
I think it’s very unhealthy to feel the need to not allow your partner to have any privacy regarding a life they lived before they met you.
It reeks of insecurity and control.

@ulteriorbread describing boys at school as 'young men' is weird. They are quite literally not men.

Jackie Collins wrote a diary - there was a brilliant documentary about her and how she went on to become a brilliant author.

Not unpopular at all. Quite the opposite.

@Dontwanttoberudeorwastetime

But why wouldn’t you want to share it with them?

This is how abuse starts.
read this

But that IS what people put in a diary - fun stuff and bad stuff. Diaries are still quite common even today, though not as much as when I was a teen (70's) when it was a real "thing" to do. If anything, it was the popular girls who were more likely to have diaries as it was trendy.

A diary is the place you can record all your events, thoughts and feelings, both good and bad. I tend to think of a journal as more a listing of just the things done, but both words have the same root meaning.

Interestingly, one of the common uses of a diary these days is to record abuse in a relationship, and is frequently recommended here on MN to help a) in any divorce and b) for the writer to read back to remind themselves of the patterns of abuse. These women do often have good support networks so aren't the lonely losers you're making them out to be. I'm pretty sure the majority of women who have been in an abusive relationship wouldn't want a fairly new partner reading those details!

Huge red flag.

Also 'If you lie about this, it makes me wonder what else you lie about?' about your TEENAGE diary would give me the ick.

He was being awful. He has NO RIGHT to read your diary, whether from now or from 20 years ago. Red flags for controlling behaviour.

"Firstly that they're immature enough to even keep a diary (let's fact it, it's a certain type of person who uses them)"

What?
Many famous writers started out by writing in their diaries.

Wow. I wouldn't be seeing him again. He sounds vile.

How bizarre your thought process must be, @ulteriorbread . Perhaps you would benefit from keeping a diary? Don't know if you remember how popular "blogs" were - a very popular way to keep a diary.

My kids were encouraged to keep diaries by their teachers because it helps develop their writing skills. I had to keep a diary/journal in high school, for a couple of my english subjects, as did my siblings.

In one of my university subjects I also had to keep a diary for one semester, and it was to be marked by the lecturer - so we were warned not to put anything too personal in it. It was for a busiess degree (Subject was called "Organisational Behaviour". Our topic was "conflict and something else I can't remember right now." I got top marks for it - which was very unusual as current and past students were only ever given a pass mark. It made up 30% of the final grade, so being able to write a diary was a worthwhile skill.

He's a childish bully. I would be worried about how he might behave in other situations in the future. He could see you were uncomfortable, but he kept on pushing. That's not a trait I would want in a partner. In all honesty, if my DP had a teenage diary, I would have absolutely NO interest in reading it in case it put me off him! Teenagers are hormonal creatures who experience everything in a very overblown and dramatic way. Most of us did not cover ourselves in glory and those cringey reactions to everyone and everything are often best left in the past where they belong.

As for there being anything sinister about keeping a diary, as @ulteriorbread has suggested, that's utter bullshit. I wrote stuff down when I was a teenager because I liked writing. I also liked making sense of my very turbulent teenage thoughts. I still occasionally write things down. It's not weird. I don't need to tell a real person EVERYTHING that's in my head. I'm not planning a murder or anything.

Bloody hell though, the rainbow of flags referenced in this thread has to be unprecedented!!

The amber flag here is your reaction to a woman having boundaries.

Just for @ulteriorbread

Social media is a modern type of diary - so here you are yourself, sharing your thoughts using words, just like one would do in a diary. ;)

Dear Diary,

I think what some people post online just highlights my point re the people who use diaries.

If my partner had a diary it would be an instant turn off, to then get so defensive about it would be flags pinging everywhere.

Yours truly, ulteriorbread

p.s. These isn't a diary entry as I wouldn't want a partner to be instantly turned off because I wrote down my thoughts and opinions. Hence why I used strikethrough for "Dear Diary" because that negates it being a diary entry.

Some really weird replies on this thread. YANBU at all. Massive red flag from him.

and where’s this conception come from that all teen diaries are about teen crushes and cringy choices? I have a diary and it’s really quite dark and depressing, not a “wow what a silly little girl I was” 🥴 It has some of my deepest thoughts at that time, where I was trying to figure out what the point in everything even was. I wouldn’t want to share it with anyone.

He doesn't respect your privacy or your boundaries. Not great.

I doubt that poster has read anything as highbrow as literature like that. Giving off more “Daily Mail Gossip Column” vibes tbh.

If you stay with him after this you are being unreasonable.

Dump him now. This is alarming on several points.

@SmallPrawnEnergy

Aye. And nasty school mum who doesn't want her precious darlings playing with "those" kids.

He’s bullying you, trampling over your boundaries - and then has the gall to suggest it’s you that’s in the wrong and ‘hiding something’. DARVO!

You can do better than him.

Why WOULD you? No partner is entitled to know every detail and innermost thought you have, especially if it concerns things from before they even knew you existed. Being in a relationship doesn’t mean having to disclose everything you’ve ever thought about or experienced, a partner is not a possession.

OP, his behaviour is a huge red flag for abuse. Dump, block and run.

@BellePeppa when you said: It was her teenage diary not something she’s writing as an older, married woman and hiding from her husband. I wrote a diary for a bit when I was a teenager and I’d be mortified if a partner tried to wrestle it off me to read yet you think it’s the OP who’s suss and not the twattish bf🤦‍♀️
I'm wondering why that would be a problem in an older, married woman? Surely a private diary is a private diary and you can keep one at any age?

This is pretty clear to most people. As it’s somehow unclear to you, there are over a hundred comments explaining this in some detail. Read them.

As 98% of people agree with OP, perhaps consider that it’s not a case of OP being ‘a very private person’, but a case of you having a poor grasp of individual boundaries. Either that, or you’re trolling.

Because I’m entitled to have private thoughts.
Especially if those thoughts were from my teenage or young adult self.
Not allowing your partner to have private thoughts or allow moments from their past to remain private is controlling and abusive.

@Cherchezlaspice

I just can’t imagine wanting to keep secrets like that from any boyfriend (I’m married now). I mean isn’t that the point of being with someone? That you tell them everything you feel?

Maybe I do have no boundaries by some standards Idk. I’m genuinely confused that so many women wouldn’t want to share it.

Given her comments on children with autism/ special needs on a different thread yesterday, certainly not someone I would ever be involved with. She can talk about amber flags for normal behaviour all she likes, but when you’re a walking talking red flag it just makes you look a bit dim.