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AIBU?

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Original poster

Who is in this wrong in this situation re diary

341 replies

Theresnolimit505 · 06/08/2022 23:22

At my parents' house with a boyfriend of a few months and in my old room. We come across my old diary in which I wrote a ton of hideously cringy things as you do when you're a teenager. Very personal stuff too.
He wanted to read it but I said I'd prefer him not to. He was insisting he read it and wrestling it off me.
In the end he gave up and went to the toilet. Whilst he was out, I ripped out the two most embarrassing pages in my eyes.
He came back and said can I read it now? So I said ok then..he opened it and noticed the 2 ripped out pages and went mad.
Saying, "If you lie about this, it makes me wonder what else you lie about?"
Who was in the wrong here? Surely I have a right to privacy

OP posts:
maddening · 07/08/2022 17:13

Insist he reads it.

Cherchezlaspice · 07/08/2022 17:13

DandyLandy · 07/08/2022 17:06

YABU

it's a bit of a strange reaction to someone wanting to read a diary from when you were a child

Is definitely think it was strange for a partner to act so defensive other something so trivial

She said no (as is her right), he WRESTLED her for it and then ‘went mad’ that she was concerning her teenage thoughts from him and you think she’s the one being unreasonable?

As 98% of people agree with OP, it would appear that the person who is strange is you.

Cherchezlaspice · 07/08/2022 17:14

*concealing, not concerning.

Lalliella · 07/08/2022 17:27

As is so often said on here OP - when someone shows you what they're really like believe them. He doesn't respect your boundaries. He uses force to get what he wants. Dump him please.

AhNowTed · 07/08/2022 17:43

Lalliella · 07/08/2022 17:27

As is so often said on here OP - when someone shows you what they're really like believe them. He doesn't respect your boundaries. He uses force to get what he wants. Dump him please.

You know, it's not just (or even) about 'boundaries'.

Like, what sensible grown up man wants the pore over the inner thoughts of a teenager (now long since adult) anyway?

It's fucking bizarre. No, creepy.

DandyLandy · 07/08/2022 17:49

@Cherchezlaspice

Peoples right to say no doesn't absolve them of fault

I could say no to giving up a parent and child parking space for a woman driving 7 kids to the hospital. Doesn't make me right does it.

It's very odd to get so precious over a childhood diary.

AhNowTed · 07/08/2022 17:55

DandyLandy · 07/08/2022 17:49

@Cherchezlaspice

Peoples right to say no doesn't absolve them of fault

I could say no to giving up a parent and child parking space for a woman driving 7 kids to the hospital. Doesn't make me right does it.

It's very odd to get so precious over a childhood diary.

That's a bizarre and frankly irrelevant comparison.

Not everyone's childhood or teenage years were a bed of roses. Some (shock horror) folks would rather forget, and not have some boyfriend pore over the detritus for his own amusement, or alleged need for her to bare all.

To what end exactly?

ReneBumsWombats · 07/08/2022 17:58

DandyLandy · 07/08/2022 17:49

@Cherchezlaspice

Peoples right to say no doesn't absolve them of fault

I could say no to giving up a parent and child parking space for a woman driving 7 kids to the hospital. Doesn't make me right does it.

It's very odd to get so precious over a childhood diary.

That is one of the most ridiculous false equivalences I've ever heard. You think a public hospital parking space is comparable to a private journal? You can't be serious. It's not apples and oranges, it's apples and concrete mixers.

wellhelloitsme · 07/08/2022 18:00

DandyLandy · 07/08/2022 17:49

@Cherchezlaspice

Peoples right to say no doesn't absolve them of fault

I could say no to giving up a parent and child parking space for a woman driving 7 kids to the hospital. Doesn't make me right does it.

It's very odd to get so precious over a childhood diary.

What a bizarre comparison.

OP isn't at 'fault' for anything.

She didn't want to share the private thoughts of her teenage self and her partner is angry with her about it.

It's an odd reaction from him, not her.

Any normal, nice person would just shrug and not be at all offended or disappointed if their partner didn't want to share the contents of their diary from years ago.

And as PP said what if it included trauma she hadn't processed at the time but has since done so, or things she was told in confidence by family and friends.

But she doesn't need a reason.

There's literally no reason he needs to read her diary, so why is what he wants more important than what she wants?

DandyLandy · 07/08/2022 18:00

@ReneBumsWombats

Wow some on here are really something else

Who was comparing the diary to a car full of kids?

I was giving an example of how someone's right to say no doesn't make them right in a situation.

DandyLandy · 07/08/2022 18:00

@AhNowTed if you'd want to keep such things secret from a partner that's even more worrying

wellhelloitsme · 07/08/2022 18:02

DandyLandy · 07/08/2022 18:00

@ReneBumsWombats

Wow some on here are really something else

Who was comparing the diary to a car full of kids?

I was giving an example of how someone's right to say no doesn't make them right in a situation.

Yes but that's like saying "someone can say no when they're asked not to punch their partner, but it doesn't make it right".

It's true but it's got absolutely fuck all relevance to OP's situation.

Blueberrywitch · 07/08/2022 18:04

Please break up with him. Very concerning behaviour from him.

AhNowTed · 07/08/2022 18:05

DandyLandy · 07/08/2022 18:00

@AhNowTed if you'd want to keep such things secret from a partner that's even more worrying

In the fullness of time.

The OP is with the boyfriend a few months.

I have food in my fridge older than that.

Hand over my diary to a newbie guy wrestling it out of my hand.. absolutely not.

wellhelloitsme · 07/08/2022 18:05

@DandyLandy

To be clear, you've read OP's post properly, yes?

He was insisting he read it and wrestling it off me.

So I said ok then..he opened it and noticed the 2 ripped out pages and went mad.

He tried to physically "wrestle it off her" then "went mad" at her not sharing the full diary.

And you think that she is somehow in the wrong here?

Or did you somehow miss those bits?

DandyLandy · 07/08/2022 18:06

wellhelloitsme · 07/08/2022 18:05

@DandyLandy

To be clear, you've read OP's post properly, yes?

He was insisting he read it and wrestling it off me.

So I said ok then..he opened it and noticed the 2 ripped out pages and went mad.

He tried to physically "wrestle it off her" then "went mad" at her not sharing the full diary.

And you think that she is somehow in the wrong here?

Or did you somehow miss those bits?

Yes

I still think the OP is being unreasonable

As do others on this thread

Your opinion isn't the only one that matters pal

Dotjones · 07/08/2022 18:10

You're both unreasonable here.

His behaviour is obviously unreasonable and so's the fact you haven't prefixed the word "boyfriend" with "ex-".

If I were to be harsh I'd say it's partly your fault for not either securing the diary or destroying it. If you want to keep it, you should scan it in then store it in a password-protected folder on an encrypted drive. Then either burn it or rip the pages and mash them up in a bucket of water until they've turned to a kind of mulch.

ReneBumsWombats · 07/08/2022 18:11

DandyLandy · 07/08/2022 18:00

@ReneBumsWombats

Wow some on here are really something else

Who was comparing the diary to a car full of kids?

I was giving an example of how someone's right to say no doesn't make them right in a situation.

Who was comparing the diary to a car full of kids?

You.

"I could say no to giving up a parent and child parking space for a woman driving 7 kids to the hospital. Doesn't make me right does it."

And just in case we missed it:

"I was giving an example of how someone's right to say no doesn't make them right in a situation."

It's not even on another page. It's on the same one.

Is there something in the air today? This is the second poster I've come across who doesn't appear to have read their own posts.

wellhelloitsme · 07/08/2022 18:15

@DandyLandy

Yes

I still think the OP is being unreasonable

Then your a victim blaming apologist

As do others on this thread

They are too

Your opinion isn't the only one that matters pal

When did I say it was, mate?

wellhelloitsme · 07/08/2022 18:17

Is there something in the air today? This is the second poster I've come across who doesn't appear to have read their own posts.

Bizarre, isn't it?

I wonder if there was some 🧦 business going on today.

JustLyra · 07/08/2022 18:17

NumberTheory · 07/08/2022 01:42

Agree it’s a big red flag for the boyfriend.

I sort of see ulteriorbread’s point. I wouldn’t think of it as a flag (which, to me, indicates something anyone should be concerned about) but a partner who can’t distance themself from their childhood self enough to share a diary is probably not going to be the sort of person I’m going to gel with long term. It’s a bit judgmental and intolerant to think that childhood actions and recordings are a poor reflection on your current self, rather than a document of your journey towards adulthood. (This supposes the reasons for not sharing are about it being “cringey” rather than about it recording something serious that you haven’t yet shared.). I don’t think I’m going to get on with someone in the mid-to-long term who can’t laugh at themself as a child and accept how human that fumbling immaturity makes us.

Not everyone’s teenage diaries are only funny though.

Mine contain a lot of working stuff out as I worked my way through dealing with my parents abuse of my siblings and I.

In particular around the time my mother died when I was 14.

There are some fiercely private thoughts in those and it’s not an inability to laugh at myself as a child or “fumbling immaturity” that would mean I don’t want anyone, even DH, to read them.

Allergictoironing · 07/08/2022 18:26

DandyLandy · 07/08/2022 18:06

Yes

I still think the OP is being unreasonable

As do others on this thread

Your opinion isn't the only one that matters pal

Show quote history

Yes there do seem to be a few on this thread agreeing with you - but 2% of over 1370 agreeing with you shows that the overwhelming majority don't agree with you. I think that comes to somewhere between 25-30 posters saying OP IBU - and plenty have posted to say the only reason they said that was because OP hasn't dumped the BF yet!

ReneBumsWombats · 07/08/2022 18:27

wellhelloitsme · 07/08/2022 18:17

Is there something in the air today? This is the second poster I've come across who doesn't appear to have read their own posts.

Bizarre, isn't it?

I wonder if there was some 🧦 business going on today.

Would explain a couple of things.

I guess if you can't read your own posts, that might explain why you can't understand why people shouldn't read a private journal. Hardly a compelling argument, though.

Hawkins001 · 07/08/2022 18:42

I can understand your perspectives op, I'm guessing everything I have written on here has been documented, and analysised, but that's partly because I know mumsnet is public, contrast that with a diary and I can see your points, those writings were yours but from a different time period and differently perspectives ect, that you preferred or presumed would only be read by you yourself.. All the best op

AMIAMIBU · 08/08/2022 07:00

Dotjones · 07/08/2022 18:10

You're both unreasonable here.

His behaviour is obviously unreasonable and so's the fact you haven't prefixed the word "boyfriend" with "ex-".

If I were to be harsh I'd say it's partly your fault for not either securing the diary or destroying it. If you want to keep it, you should scan it in then store it in a password-protected folder on an encrypted drive. Then either burn it or rip the pages and mash them up in a bucket of water until they've turned to a kind of mulch.

Or alternatively just date people that respect your decisions.

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