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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not want to live longer

217 replies

AmIAlone52 · 06/08/2022 21:40

Probably not the wisest place to put this but hell, let's do it. I will preface by saying I do have depression, which is managed well but is probably impacting on my thinking here.

Am I the only person who doesn't want to live a "long life"? I exercise and am currently eating in a calorie deficit to try and lose some baby weight (DC is definitely no longer a baby) but a lot of the fitness media I consume has been impacted by the body positivity/neutrality movement and consequently has a big focus on exercising for health and longevity rather than the way your body looks, and yet all I can think when I see this is "I don't want to live that long"

Whilst I'm not doing anything to deliberately endagner my health (non smoker, rarely drink, no drugs or self harm etc) I am not looking to go out of my way to improve things. I don't want to.

Am I completely insane thinking this? Does everyone else want to live as long as possible?

OP posts:
lollipoprainbow · 07/08/2022 14:03

Happiness is always a choice

Please don't give me this crap !!

midgetastic · 07/08/2022 14:04

Only if you are 49
😀

Ana86 · 07/08/2022 14:07

AlwaysAugust · 06/08/2022 21:43

My opinion on this will be VERY unpopular but I've always said I don't want to live past 50 😬
I just don't know how life can get any more fun or interesting past that age and I dread the day tbh.

So true. Over 50's never do anyhting fun or interesting www.bbc.co.uk/news/av/uk-england-gloucestershire-62439376

Dalaidramailama · 07/08/2022 14:09

@lollipoprainbow

It isn’t crap. It IS a choice, it’s just some people prefer to wallow in their own misery and helplessness. Like I said “on paper” I should be miserable, I’m certain many would be if given the same cards, but I am not a poor me kinda person.

I love to live. Others don’t. There’s nothing inherently wrong with the latter but it is a choice.

lollipoprainbow · 07/08/2022 14:17

@Dalaidramailama so after the loss of my sister far too early with cancer I should have chosen to be happy rather than feel wretched ??

sunsetsandsandybeaches · 07/08/2022 14:25

My family is pretty long-lived, as is DH's. All my grandparents died in their nineties, same with DH's family bar one or two who passed in their eighties.

Yes, some had health conditions (heart issues, diabetes, cancer), but it was only in the last couple of years where their lives felt really limited.

I feel really sad to see so many people wanting to die in their fifties or even younger.

SleeplessInEngland · 07/08/2022 14:48

mynameiscalypso · 06/08/2022 21:42

I don't particularly want to live a long life but I want to be as fit and healthy as possible for the life I do have.

Bingo. Most unhealthy people don’t just drop dead. They go through years/decades of feeling like shit before that happens.

Dalaidramailama · 07/08/2022 14:49

@lollipoprainbow

I lost a sibling in my early 20s (they were also early 20s). Heart wrenching? Most certainly.

I still decide to be happy with my life though. This isn’t a game of “poor me oneupmanship”. That is just one part of my story.

It is a choice. Life is a duality. Ups and downs. You can choose to accept the joy more than the despair.

lollipoprainbow · 07/08/2022 14:58

@Dalaidramailama you're right actually, my mum had a dreadful hand in life but was always cheerful and positive and happy with the little things.

Dalaidramailama · 07/08/2022 15:03

@lollipoprainbow

Have you tried mindfulness? I used to dismiss it as a load of crap until someone bought me the book “mindfulness for dummies”.

There is a whole section in there about enjoying the small things in life in a mindful way. It could be a good start for someone who is just feeling overwhelmed and hopeless with life.

There is always hope ❤️.

Hbh17 · 07/08/2022 15:29

Very true. So many people are now living for far too long - an unintended consequence of medical science. Frankly, it wouldn't matter if I died tomorrow, but I definitely don't want to go on much beyond 70 and I will be exercising my right to refuse certain medical treatments if the opportunity arises.

Wooly42 · 07/08/2022 16:23

lollipoprainbow · 07/08/2022 14:03

Happiness is always a choice

Please don't give me this crap !!

I used to think that and to a certain extent a positive attitude is helpful most of the time and can help to overcome tragic circumstances and horrific pain or loss. However I believe that a point may be reached where it is not enough , though I have never reached that point I can image cirumstances where I would. In my case it is losing my remining sight as am alredy deaf and blind in one eye. . .

Dalaidramailama · 07/08/2022 16:28

@Wooly42

In sorry to read that. That does sound incredibly tough going. Wishing you well for the future 💐.

Framilode · 07/08/2022 16:35

I am 75 and always wanted to die at 70. My opinion hasn't changed. I am not depressed and have a satisfactory marriage and lovely family. I just don't want to live on to extreme old age. I feel I have had a good life but the best is over and I am now just hanging around. If I developed something like cancer I would not have treatment and would only have palliative care.

My husband does not agree with my view, but it is the view I have had all my adult life and will not change now.

Paranormal · 07/08/2022 16:40

Dalaidramailama · 07/08/2022 13:40

@lollipoprainbow

Its also mindset. I won’t start with my “story” or poor me act but on paper I should be seriously depressed and miserable.

I am not though, as despite what life has thrown at me I decide to be happy.

Happiness is always a choice, irrespective of the curve balls and that comes down to mindset.

There have been many studies whereby elderly people are asked their number one regret and the same thing always comes out on top and that is “they decided not to be happy in their lives and they realised at the end it was a choice”.

Happiness is NOT always a choice. I battle with depression and anxiety and I try so hard to refuse to give into them but sometimes they pull me under. When I'm okay I look for all the good in the little things but when the black dog descends it makes me see and feel things differently and I have to battle against it. I don't wallow in it but believe me, happiness is NO choice when it hits. Unless your brain is wired like mine you'll never know but don't dare dismiss my experience.

Dalaidramailama · 07/08/2022 16:46

@Paranormal

I disagree. I’ve had periods in my life with depression but I’ve still been able to find moments of joy and gratitude for the things you have in your life. So yes I think it is a choice, it’s mindset. My Nan had multiple psychiatric admissions at her lowest but she would always emerge and look on the bright side of life.

Her mental illness did not define her attitude.

Dalaidramailama · 07/08/2022 16:49

Like I said before life is full of ups and downs. No life is smooth sailing. It is the overall attitude of the person that makes a difference long term.

Half full or half empty glass basically. There are those who look on the bright side despite mental illness and those who decide to wallow in it forever. The former being the ones who are of course the happiest.

CanadianJohn · 07/08/2022 16:55

I'm in my 70s, my wife is 81. I was running marathons in my 60's but now I can barely walk round the block. Heart attack, broken pelvis, compressed discs in my lumbar spine...

So, I read myself blind, watch old movies on TV, and potter round the house. My wife would be lost without me, and I would be lost without her. We kid each other every day "I'm going first". I think we are kidding.

But, apart the effect on my wife, I would be content to die in my sleep tonight.

LakieLady · 07/08/2022 17:11

butterflied · 06/08/2022 21:49

You're not alone. I don't want to. Chronic pain influences it. Why would I want to endure that for another 40 years?

Same here.

I might feel differently if they discover a cure for osteoarthritis though.

I8toys · 07/08/2022 17:19

I was in a moshpit with my frozen shoulder at 50! I don't think my teens would like me to check out quite just yet! We have children at an older age these days so 50 isn't really that old now and we have dependents still into middle age.

Paranormal · 07/08/2022 17:24

Dalaidramailama · 07/08/2022 16:46

@Paranormal

I disagree. I’ve had periods in my life with depression but I’ve still been able to find moments of joy and gratitude for the things you have in your life. So yes I think it is a choice, it’s mindset. My Nan had multiple psychiatric admissions at her lowest but she would always emerge and look on the bright side of life.

Her mental illness did not define her attitude.

Mental illness does not define my attitude...when I am well. When I am having an episode (for want of a better word) I know that it's happening but I couldn't just "choose" to be happy if my life depends on it. Your Mum and Nan's mental illness does not define the experience for everyone else.

Dalaidramailama · 07/08/2022 17:29

@Paranormal

Of course it doesn’t. That is stating the obvious.

But I do agree over a lifetime your overall attitude is one of mindset and it is that which will determine how much you enjoy living.

There are many, many people with severe and enduring mental illnesses that live meaningful lives as part of their recovery journeys.

There is most certainly an element of choice in that process.

Hawkins001 · 07/08/2022 18:09

I wouldn't mind being immortal, so I can see the far far future of humanity.

DonateBloodNCheckSmokeAlarms · 07/08/2022 18:30

I'm 39.

One of the reasons I'm glad I don't have children is so that I can pop off to Switzerland without guilt whenever I decide it's time.

In the meantime, I'm sticking around as I enjoy my job, have hobbies, church, parents and extended family and voluntary work to do.

However I have a deep, deep sadness at not having met anyone who loves me. In some ways I want to live to see if I do meet such a person in the end. Otherwise, I'm glad to do my bit for family and society and head off so that I no longer need to feel the hole in my heart where my partner would be.

I do not believe being down/realistic about life or having an existential crisis warrants a trip to the GP btw. Many people don't enjoy life or find it pointless. That's not an abnormal view.

tedgran · 07/08/2022 18:56

I'm 74 and my DH is 84. We both have some health problems, but lead full lives, going to classes ,playing bridge, and have a large allotment as well as a garden. Between us we have seven grandchildren aged from 20 down to 9 months who give us a lot of pleasure. I'm sorry for those who are suffering from ill health and depression, but we would both like to go on as long as possible