Why do the huggers always win?

[GetYourSeasideArmsOffMe]

I don't like hugging outside of my immediate family and in certain circumstances like grief. It feels forced and unnatural to me.
So why do I end up having to give out hugs like they are candy? People I don't know well, forcing themselves into my personal space and trying to create an intimacy that isn't there?
Can't the huggers ask consent?
Do people actually like hugging or do most people just do it because it is expected? I think it's a female socialisation thing and we should cut that crap, DH doesn't get strong armed into forced hugs nearly as much as me.

Yabu- hugging is great and everyone should do it.
Yanbu- everyone should cut it out and I only hug because it's expected.

And no, I do not need a hug.

I'm not a hugger, so I just stick my hand out for a handshake, I'm sure people have a little chuckle at the overly formal nature of this but at least they're not in my personal space!

So do I 🙂 I do try and read the signals though; here in the UK it's all a matter of personal preference 😚

I like a hug but the form of greeting/farwell is dictated by those I am with and the circumstances bringing us together and will offer a handshake where appropriate. However no hugging may be taken too far and may upset others, especially when family is involved, as with my DM. She is a non-hugger but takes this to extremes. She will not show any form of physical affection except to young children and my DF when he was alive. DM lives in her home country and because of Covid I saw her for the first time in 2 years this spring. Forget all the images of loving families reunited, all I got was a quick peck, was on the cheek as if she were my husband leaving for work or something. I have no meaningful relationship with her.

There are other meaningful ways to show affection. The fact your mother doesn't kiss or hug you may be a symptom of your estrangement but it's not definitely the cause, unless of course you made it so.
I'm much closer with my sister's than DH is with his. Yet she goes in for the over display of affection,.slobber on his cheek thing. He hates it. They're not close it doesn't make them closer.

You could conclude from either of these anecdotes that hugging is vital signifier of affection or that it is a signifier of fakeness. The sensible view would be different courses for horses.

Yes. Not just me then.

I hate it when another woman hugs me and our titties squash together, so in unavoidable hug situations, I turn sideways so my hips block them. To me it's like being molested after a pleasant chin wag.

There's a whole thing about 'men writing women' on Twitter. Honestly, this feels like it would fit right in.

I've never known any self-respecting woman use the word 'titties' or be overly concerned about them when they hug.

I agree with @HelloThereObiWan. I didn't know it was Oprah Winfrey's tactic, but I discovered that doing this does work. Had to do something as developed a painful condition and couldn't cope with being grabbed by people.

Yanbu, OP. And I say that as someone who does actually like hugs from the right people.

I don't like women's boobs pressed up against me.
This is because it feels.invasive and not some.weird misogynistic reason.
I also don't like hugging with men who aren't my husband as it feels invasive.

I'm socially awkward but do like a hug. Being male I never hug female friends unless they lean towards me.

This thread is very useful to read as I often wonder if I'm just being awkward and that perhaps I should give out hugs more. I think I'll stick to my current position on hugs, which is pretty easy. However, the most difficult was my youngest daughter telling me that she doesn't like hugs or any form of physical contact. I was mortified as it was great she felt comfortable enough to tell me but that it's taken till her late teens to say.

I never thought it would be so difficult to not hug your own child but it means so much more when she chooses to do so.

I send out clear non verbal don't hug me signs, but they still launch themselves at me after receiving those signs.

Clearly you don't. Use words and step back when they move in. They are not mind readers.

When they move in for a hug just politely decline, no one has the right to force intimacy onto you

You're obviously not trying hard enough. Be more upfront. I'm not a hugger either & I rarely get caught out. And there's always COVID.

My family never hugged or really touched each other at all so it always suprises me when someone gathers me up in a hug when I am not expecting it. I never hug people unless I know them very well, and even then mostly if they were crying or something.
I never pull away though because I feel like I would rather ride out the hug than make it awkward by rejecting it and I get that lots of people don't think what they are doing would make someome uncomfortable.

When I am in work clothes (blouse, suit jacket, skirt and heels) - nobody tries to hug me, but when I am in my mum clothes (jeans and a cardigan) I get hugged all the time even when I am seeing the same people. My friend said its because when I am in work clothes I looked 'boney and authoratative' and apparently it would feel like hugging her boss.

So maybe for those people who will not take a hint, maybe get some 'unhuggable' clothes or maybe go a bit goth and get some with studs and spikes to ward them off?

I actually like hugs. But nobody should force hugs (or anything else - in my case, birthday greetings) on people who don't want them; that is a form of harrassment.

People always say to me "I know you're not a hugger" so I must give off some sort of vibe 🤣 very rarely am I in a situation where a hug would be normal anyway but I will say the hug itself doesn't bother me half as much as the awkward moment when you're thinking "are we hugging or just saying bye?" It's like some strange pause moment where you or the other person has to initiate the goodbye - more often I find this happens with family/in-laws and sometimes I can turn away quick enough to make it clear I don't want the hug bit of goodbye. On other occasions I've initiated the hug because waiting around for the awkward hug is worse and I'd rather quickly hug and say bye as fast as possible.

My DH is a hugger with family so it's even worse as he is very comfortable and will always assume it's a goodbye hug then I look like the weirdo/rude person walking off as quickly as possible and shouting bye haha!

@GetYourSeasideArmsOffMe

One of my in laws is like this, despite knowing I don't want a hug, they will say "I know you don't like hugging but I'm going to do it anyway" whilst chuckling. Last time, I'd had enough and told them No and to respect my boundaries. I was so annoyed as I'm pretty sure it's a power play and not a sign of affection.

@CeratopsofthePharoahs the pool cue and Heimlich made me laugh so much. Brilliant post!

Get in their first with a counter gesture. I find exaggeratedly blowing kisses whilst exclaiming “mwah mwah lovely to see you” wards off huggers nicely. Because y’know - covid and all that.