Why do the huggers always win?

[GetYourSeasideArmsOffMe]

I don't like hugging outside of my immediate family and in certain circumstances like grief. It feels forced and unnatural to me.
So why do I end up having to give out hugs like they are candy? People I don't know well, forcing themselves into my personal space and trying to create an intimacy that isn't there?
Can't the huggers ask consent?
Do people actually like hugging or do most people just do it because it is expected? I think it's a female socialisation thing and we should cut that crap, DH doesn't get strong armed into forced hugs nearly as much as me.

Yabu- hugging is great and everyone should do it.
Yanbu- everyone should cut it out and I only hug because it's expected.

And no, I do not need a hug.

You're out of your fucking mind.

its so common now,
people at my work had the same comments - saying I miss hugging
and when colleagues who covid kept us apart from arrived, it was all hugs.
please no

Yes, we're having to be fairly militant in reasserting boundaries.
I just don't think sending the message that mummy's boundaries are ok to override so it really needs to be across the board.

Put your arms out shout back off. Don't be afraid of upsetting this weirdo. Practice in the mirror. Touching someone who doesn't want it is actually assault.

What happens if you just say “I don’t do hugs”? Would that not be more effective than silent cues people aren’t picking up on?

I’m not a hugger or kisser. One ‘positive’ to the pandemic was I could avoid doing both. Tbh the hugs were quick and painless and quite sweet in a way, but the kissing- oh no! Made me want to run and hide!

My poor dog is hugged and covered in kisses by me- I wonder if she secretly feels the same as me (ie no thanks), but she tolerates it, bless her!!

You dont have to share trauma to justify why you dont want to hug or be hugged..
Be clearer with your boundaries...and if people don't respect them dont see them....

Stand up for your dc too....
I hug and allow hugs from few people ....
A few people would try kiss/hug/tickle dc when younger which they hated so i would say so and if the offender tried again would stand in front and physically intervene....did it once never again ..although had to say again next visit ...just saw them less....

@ThinWomansBrain Good grief. What on earth is wrong with you? You are actually suggesting that rape victims who didn't fight off their attackers are at fault. AND you're comparing it to consent around hugging. You are a disgrace.

After I was being unwillingly hugged by all and sundry, I decided it was up to me to have boundaries. so twenty years ago I started. I still hug friends and family, and dogs, but anyone else I take a step back and thrust my right hand forward for them to shake. One persistent acquaintance got the message after almost chasing me round a table and I shoved it at him. The corner got him right in his wedding tackle. Result!

Excellent post

Also OP a really good thread and I agree with you. At the same time there will be huggers who for whatever reason don't read the cues ... just keep doing as you are. Worse case scenario you may offend someone or make them feel uncomfortable ... hey ho, share the discomfort around rather than taking it all yourself

The Babylon Bee have some suggestions!

I’m not a hugger unless it’s family.
If someone goes in to hug me they get very limp, hardly touching hug back.
Same with kisses on the cheek (which often come with the hug) - the tiniest kiss, barely touching the face!

As long as people don’t mind this, hug away!

❤️ this post

They ignore it. Or argue with it. Or comply.
Depends on the person.
Which is why I think we need to move away from assumed consent model.

I am very tactile but i hate hugging. I know what you mean, yanbu!

"ooooh come on, you just need a good hug and will see what they are about😁"
They also do the pity thing when you must be so sad existence if you don't get hugs😱

I have a T-shirt with “not a hugger” on it.

if someone approaches me for a hug, I just put my hand out firmly to shake theirs, while saying “I don’t like hugs.”

elbow bumping during covid has been marvellous.

I agree with you OP. I think the only solution is to get increasingly rude with it. So eventually end up just saying "I've said no repeatedly why are you ignoring that".

I hate hugging and get called rude because I'll only hug immediate family, and that's only if they initiate it (not dcs. I hug them a lot)
That means I never hug any in laws.
Even my immediate family say it comes across as rude.
If they hug me, I'll lightly hug them back but I don't initiate it. I do let them know that I don't like hugs though but apparently that's rude and cold.

I love hugs but don't go round hugging random people as they might not appreciate it!

Its interesting though because quite a few people have said it's my fault people hug me without consent because I wasn't clear enough, explicit enough etc.
But have said the sexual assault wasn't my fault. I was silent through shock and fear.
So why does one require me to actively go out of my way to Barr consent and the other consent is not assumed? And in my case the sa led from the hug so I do think it's worth considering what having different consent rules can lead to.

It'd be much better if we adopted a do not assume consent approach. If asking was the norm then I'd have felt comfortable speaking out before it progressed.

The whole hugging thing is quite new. I am in my late 60s and didn't grow up with it. I don't think I even hugged grandparents, aunts and uncles etc. although they lived some distance away and I rarely saw them. It is certainly a 21st Century thing anyway and, as far as I am concerned, it can go back in its box.

I never really thought about people that hug as being a distinctive group. I don't mind hugging personally although I usually wait for someone to initiate (unless it's my wife or children or someone that I know will usually greet with a hug). Hugging as a greeting is definitely something that has become more popular over the decades. Here in the UK growing up, it used to be a handshake or hugs with immediate family. I noticed it as a standard greeting when I went to the US. Personally I'd rather not get to the stage of having to ask if it's ok to hug as it's a spontaneous greeting and shouldn't have any sexual overtones. In the OP's situation it wouldn't happen anyway as I wouldn't dive in with a hug or kiss with someone I don't know. That's probably more to do with the British culture that I grew up with as I know that in other countries it's more of a normal greeting.

Interesting . One of the biggest offenders is seventies. One is thirties.
I'd say for me it's been particularly prevanat with older men 40-60 when I was younger. Especially the more.problematic ones.

Maybe that's just my experience then. I have certainly never hugged friends and friends my own age have never expected me too.