Why do the huggers always win?

[GetYourSeasideArmsOffMe]

I don't like hugging outside of my immediate family and in certain circumstances like grief. It feels forced and unnatural to me.
So why do I end up having to give out hugs like they are candy? People I don't know well, forcing themselves into my personal space and trying to create an intimacy that isn't there?
Can't the huggers ask consent?
Do people actually like hugging or do most people just do it because it is expected? I think it's a female socialisation thing and we should cut that crap, DH doesn't get strong armed into forced hugs nearly as much as me.

Yabu- hugging is great and everyone should do it.
Yanbu- everyone should cut it out and I only hug because it's expected.

And no, I do not need a hug.

Me too 🤗

It's totally ruined my hug radar. I think it's sad not to hug friends & family.
I wouldn't hug strangers though.

Perhaps.it could be an idea that you ask breezily if you can hug.
I don't think it's right that your need to hug someone overrides their comfort and if your radar is broken you need to take that into consideration.
And some members of family may not like hugs either. There are other ways of showing love. This isn't just about launchy strangers and actually I can see with my toddlers ignoring your own boundaries starts with pushy relatives and the difficulty parents have when they say no to said relatives.

I’m going to be blunt, but it’s not meant unkindly - if you have to choose between being hugged and being thought to be odd, what would you choose?

In my forties I’m leaning into my oddness a lot more! I am odd at times, so what? I just said to my dd this evening “well at least I’m not normal, that would be terribly boring” when she called me weird and I could see it made her think (she’s 12 and waking up to the complex churning sea of social expectations).

The opinions of people who judge you or call you mean names, or trample your boundaries don’t count for much.

I did go with the being considered odd thing for a while(handshake, explicit don't hug me stage)
I found it didn't solve the problem and I needed up being thought of as weird as well.
I've always found people have been very willing to trample my boundaries, but I guess my irration at it has ramped up both after coming to the realisatio that it is ok to be odd and also that people will use a low guard to take liberties.

I also am at the point where I think I could share my feelings about it on social media and include some of the darker details why, but I also don't think it's right that I should have to disclose sexual assaults to be allowed boundaries.

You have made it difficult to vote, as those are not the only options.

YANBU to not want to be hugged. YABU to make it seem like the only options are everyone hugs or nobody hugs.

Ive found the COVID elbow bump has become a very helpful weapon against unwarranted hugging. It creates a useful bit of distance by sticking your elbow out and turning your body sideways on. It gives all the right signals for keeping someone you don't want invading your personal space and getting too close.

Absolutely agree with you OP it should involve consent but often doesn't.

What’s the cup of tea analogy?

I feel you.

For a long time I couldn't bare to be touched, for MH reasons. The amount of people who forced themselves on me, from a hugging perspective, was ridiculous.

After lots of therapy and healing I now love a good hug BUT having been through a time where I couldn't stand it I always ask consent.

I agree about the socialisation thing. The amount of parent I have had trying to get their children to hug me as I come and go. I always put my foot down and say they don't have to, that they're allowed their own bodily autonomy.

I think the elbow thing only works.for acquintenes tbh. As soon as it's colleagues, in laws, auntie, pervy uncle, whatever the expectation for hugs is there and bumping could not be well received.

Tea analogy.
www.google.com/amp/s/theconversation.com/amp/sexual-consent-really-isnt-like-a-cup-of-tea-but-at-least-were-talking-about-it-50638

My best friend isn't a hugger, so I just don't hug her. She has given clear non verbal cues (like physically standing away from the "hug circle", carrying her coat, and once she physically stepped back and waved goodbye instead when I went in for a hug in our early friendship)

She knows exactly when a meaningful hug is necessary though ❤

I do think it's a bit like the introvert / extrovert thing - extrovert is always seen as the norm, like pro-huggers. Annoying

I agree that the huggers should read the signs, but plenty of people aren’t able to
It's a case of getting the fuck off glare right - I never have a problem with it😆

When lock down, or a variation of it ended a year or so ago, the FT had a brilliant cartoon that was essentially a newspaper hoarding saying "you can hug again" and a guy walking past with a T Shirt with "Don't even think it" - It was my screensaver for quite a while.
I also got irritated with people (mostly work) who made a big show of 'elbow bumps' - sort of instead of a handshake, but people I'd never dream of shaking hands with except maybe the very first time I met them. They got pretty short shrift too - they'd end up doing elbow dives after I'd walk past, looking as if they were attempting some kind of mad 'funky chicken' dance.

Course you can stop someone, both hands up, "nooooo I'm not a hugger" and step back. They might be a bit embarrassed but it may make them think next time.

I'm a hugger but only with certain people, defo less than I used to, years ago I'd have hugged everyone, now I only do it when I am genuinely happy to see someone/comforting someone. I would have no problem saying to someone "eh no" if rhey went to do it, doesn't happen though so I must give off very "try it and see what happens pal" vibes!

My fuck off glare is terrible. Never been able to pull it off.
I had a bit of a younger than I look, innocent vibe when I was younger and I think a lot of people read it as you can treat people like a child and unfortunately for some people that means putting their comfort ahead of your consent.

I also found the boundaries got crossed more with my pregnancies. Again, something about it makes people think your right to consent to be touched has vanished.

I might be better off now I have a good collection of lines and wrinkles though!

My ex MIL was a militant hugger. I absolutely hate it but she insisted on it. I used to hate going there and got really anxious in the car on the journey as I knew it was coming. When we split my ex cited it as a reason he left. He said it upset his mum and that wasn't ok. What about how it made me feel?!?!?!?

Totally agree with you!!

I don't launch myself at people.
I often just ask "are we hugging?" Before going for it. Because I'm nit sure if people want to hug.
But really it's on the non huggers to say isn't it? I'm not psychic!

That is awful. I can see why he's an ex being insensitive like that.

Asking is perfect. That's all im asking.
If you ask you are giving me permission to say no.
If you launch then I have to make a scene to say no and you've already made it clear you don't really care if the other person wants it.
Lots of mental health professionals agree the default should be don't assume consent.

I was hoping that one of the few positive legacies of the pandemic with all its awfulness would be less hugging.

I agree with you OP that the hugger should be able to read the signals. I quite happily hug people (not everyone of course) but eg my sister in law obviously hates it/feels very uncomfortable. So I would never hug her, nor would I put her in that position. I just say bye from a distance.

i have a friend who is an extreme hugger, and I think she makes it really awkward for people. She almost forces a hug on people, and despite being very socially aware she doesn’t seem to notice their discomfort. Strange!

Sadly I think it's back with a vengeance and they are making up for lost time.

OP you say the default should be don't assume consent. But you also basically say people literally shouldn't be even offering you a hug. Sorry but the 'signals' you described yourself giving I don't think were very obvious at all, and there's a lot of people in a middle ground who might not appear to be actively 'hugging' but nonetheless like it and happily accept one.
I think you are being a bit unreasonable to say you basically don't like stating your preference really clearly and just saying 'no, I'm not a hugger'.
I also think you are being unreasonable equating being a hugger to be an extrovert. I know lots of extroverts who don't like hugging, and lots of introverts who do. I don't think it's related, hugging is more about being sensory seeking.
Your friends and family sound odd/unpleasant if you refusing a hug, politely is made into such a big deal. Is it really, or is it you worrying that people find you odd?

@GetYourSeasideArmsOffMe you need this on a badge.

I have two relaitives who it's a real problem with.
Both who will react overally emotionally and make it a huge family drama. I also went to university with some girls who used to force hugs on our autistic friend to try and socialise her. It's not uncommon behaviour.
I didn't equate introverts like you said. That must have been someone else. None the less the list of people who don't like hugging includes nd people, introverts, sexual abuse victims etc. Of course extroverts may not like hugs, there are probably more introverts that don't though I don't know.
I'm curious as to why you think it's ok to assume consent and whether or not you'd do this for any other physical contact. I don't see why you get a pass for hugging and all that cheek kiss faff. It's invasive and any invasion of someone's space should involve consent.

Oh! Found my people! I hate hugging! I just tell people ‘I’m not a hugger’ at an appropriate point and hope they respect it.