Why do the huggers always win?

[GetYourSeasideArmsOffMe]

I don't like hugging outside of my immediate family and in certain circumstances like grief. It feels forced and unnatural to me.
So why do I end up having to give out hugs like they are candy? People I don't know well, forcing themselves into my personal space and trying to create an intimacy that isn't there?
Can't the huggers ask consent?
Do people actually like hugging or do most people just do it because it is expected? I think it's a female socialisation thing and we should cut that crap, DH doesn't get strong armed into forced hugs nearly as much as me.

Yabu- hugging is great and everyone should do it.
Yanbu- everyone should cut it out and I only hug because it's expected.

And no, I do not need a hug.

My fuck off glare is terrible. Never been able to pull it off.

I think it's my resting bitch face TBH - or nearly, there's a teensy bit more effort into the 'fuck off don't even think about it' glare, but almost imperceptible.
But I so want the ‘ before you hug me, don’t’ jumper mentioned above.

it’s considered rude to stop someone mid hug in the south.
If you glare hard enough and move away, they don't get to "mid hug"

• and I really don;t care where you are, if I don't consent to being touched, the person attempting to hug or touch me is out of order - and rude.

As a hugger, the only time i knew a person didn't want a hug was when they clearly stated it. I'm really happy to comply, glad to be told someone doesn't want a hug.

have a friend who is an extreme hugger, and I think she makes it really awkward for people. She almost forces a hug on people, and despite being very socially aware she doesn’t seem to notice their discomfort. Strange!

I think she knows. I know a lady like this. She forced herself on her grandchildren, never reading social cues whilst they were little. They're now teens and have started to assert their boundaries and she purposefully crosses them because she thinks it's more important for the girls to learn to fit in and please people than consent. She thinks something awful will happen if they're not super social and it's like a missionary project.
We've had words. She ignored me and they predictably are becoming more and more estranged.

I don't mind hugs but they are reserved for close friends and family and even then just for hello/goodbye and to comfort people. I certainly don't launch myself on people and without fail ask both adults and children they want a hug before hugging. It's awful when people expect you to hug when you don't want to. I always tell my son that people need to ask his permission before hugging or kissing him and he is very fastidious about this. He gives no shits who he "offends"

Seriously though if you are that uncomfortable and can’t say it get a badge. There are loads to choose from on Etsy.

I'm a hugger, but only people I know, not random strangers I've only just met. That's odd. And if someone said to me, sorry I don't do hugs, I would remember for next time and wouldn't be offended, so speak up OP!

Sadly, a badge won't work with one particularly forceful offender. My t shirt which is much bigger and with a similar message is ignored.
They hug anyway then comment how rude my t shirt is. Absolute fucker.

I find with huggers that they seem to think they can change your mind.

Like they can’t possibly understand that some people just don’t like them and their hug must be so amazing that you absolutely must love it. It’s very short sighted and unaware. And annoying.

I bloody love a good hug, I’ve a very affectionate person shown physically.

However even I have felt awkward if it’s not someone I know or we don’t have a certain relationship. It just feels icky.

I only hug certain people, and I would completely be fine if someone said they don’t like hugs. Theres a specific person at work where it’s become an inside joke, if he’s not doing what he should be doing i say I will come hug him and he always reply’s you know my stance on physical contact 🤣😂

Swift throat punch it is then or…..

I've used Oprah Winfrey's tactic in the past. As the hugger comes towards you grab their upper arms and use enough force (without shoving them) to keep them at arms length and say something like "nice to see you" etc. Then step back and let go at the same time.

I've used this several times on my in laws who know I am not a hugger but still feel entitled to hug me.

OP - tell the "friend" that ignores the T Shirt that she is a rude fucker - and that she is the only reason you bought the T Shirt and always try to wear it when you see her. She needs to understand that mauling people has to be consensual. Rude cow.
Failing that, when she is in hugging distance, have a loaded water pistol to hand.

Very true with those that pride themselves on being huggers.

There are of course people who like hugging that have the ability to guage the situation and reign it in.

And there are those who use it to force further unwanted physical contact. Anything from annoying sloppy grandma kiss right up to assault.

Id be interested to where some huggers think they are on the Venn diagram. All the huggers proclaiming it's my responsibility to evade their unwanted touch I'd put with the dodgy sa offenders.

It's a really odd take on consent.

Oh god thank you.
It's more than I want to do, but it could work.
Sadly not for my toddlers so I guess I have to continue to try and teach grown adults about consent and not touching children who don't want to be touched.

I hate it. I go stiff like a cat
normally I say I am not a fan of social kissing or hugging

It's because they make such a big deal out of how rude and antisocial and what a freak you are. We try and be polite and protect everyone from embarrassment but they turn on you. I think we need to turn the tables tbh.
The most difficult thing about being autistism is neurotypicals, I swear we'd all live perfectly fine if we were all ND.

It's rude and weird to hug people who don't want to hug you. Grow some manners. And if you can't tell from somebody's body language if they want a hug then ask them. Consent isn't hard to understand

For DS I read his body language for them and say "he says no." And block them.

I've used Oprah Winfrey's tactic in the past. As the hugger comes towards you grab their upper arms and use enough force (without shoving them) to keep them at arms length and say something like "nice to see you" etc. Then step back and let go at the same time. I read an article where Holly Willoby (is that how you spell it) quoted this technique. I think she said she uses it but grabs people's hands mid attempted hug, and does a shake hand thing, which probably needs less force.
I don't mind hugging. I'm probably immune though as I have to hug a lot in my job!
My teen hates hugs, she just stands back and says a very firm no!

I am a hugger but if it is someone I don't know well I ask. Invading someone's space is really impolite. My stepmum doesn't really like hugs so I respect that. Equally I was very militant about my child being hugged on their terms only.

If the arm grabbing doesn't work I'd go for a palm out at face height and declare stop, I don't do hugs.

I'm generally not a hugger, and I think I must give off signals that indicate that because I don't think I've ever been railroaded into an embrace that I really didn't want. I won't let the huggers win 😀

I'm surprised that more people don't consider consent. DSIL used to instruct her painfully shy DS to give me and DH a hug and kiss goodnight if we were staying with them. She was very taken aback when I told him it was okay not to if he didn't want to. She honestly seemed confused, I explained it's his body and he should never feel he has to hug or kiss anyone he doesn't want to. Crikey, just as well they don't have any girls.

Years later and he is less shy, DH and I suggest a handshake whenever the other kids are doing goodbye hugs.

It's rude and weird to hug people who don't want to hug you. Grow some manners. And if you can't tell from somebody's body language if they want a hug then ask them. Consent isn't hard to understand

I find it weird how they can possibly expect nd people to navigate when it deviates so much from normal rules of consent.

And you've got it absolutely right. If they don't know ask. You wouldn't chance a snog without reading the appropriate signals and I'd find a snog from my husband much less invasive than mil spittle all over my cheek.

I actually think you are right, if we assumed everyone was nd things would be more clear and run smoothly.

When I was young in the 70s and where I grew up nobody ever hugged anyone. So it's not a thing I grew up doing - my parents never hugged us and you certainly wouldn't hug people you met in a social situation. I hug my partner and daughter and that's about it. I dislike intensely when anyone outside of them goes to hug me, but I agree with OP that it's quite difficult to avoid.

They will soon learn if you stick your arms out in front of you.

I'm Autistic and I can’t stand anyone but my children (and my Grandparents - I’m very partial to a hug from them!) being in my personal space.

“Why did you just push me?”

”Did I? Or did you continue to attempt to make unwanted bodily contact with me and walk into my outstretched arms?”

If I don't want to hug someone I just wave. If you don't do anything and just stand there people just go for their standard greeting.

If you don't want to hug you don't have to be rude about it either, just say "Oh not doing hugs because of Covid" or whatever.