Why do the huggers always win?

[GetYourSeasideArmsOffMe]

I don't like hugging outside of my immediate family and in certain circumstances like grief. It feels forced and unnatural to me.
So why do I end up having to give out hugs like they are candy? People I don't know well, forcing themselves into my personal space and trying to create an intimacy that isn't there?
Can't the huggers ask consent?
Do people actually like hugging or do most people just do it because it is expected? I think it's a female socialisation thing and we should cut that crap, DH doesn't get strong armed into forced hugs nearly as much as me.

Yabu- hugging is great and everyone should do it.
Yanbu- everyone should cut it out and I only hug because it's expected.

And no, I do not need a hug.

[HailAdrian]

I recently saw someone I hadn't seen for a while who asked 'shall we do a hug or a handshake?' I don't like hugs either unless they're from my children so I appreciated that.

[Alfenstein]

For anyone who is known to be a hugger I usually get in quickly with a light 'aha i don't do hugs' and that usually means they don't hug going forwards

Random people who I've just met - I don't get too many but usually just roll with it

Not worth the drama for someone I won't see again

Anyone you 'know' should already be aware you don't like hugs surely?

[GetYourSeasideArmsOffMe]

Oh they know. They don't care. They see it as their entitled to it due to their position in the family. Like I say, i have two very problematic members of the family who are like this.
And randoms have always been very keen to welcome tjhemslevs to touching my body. Was really bad when I was younger and ramped up in pregnancy but now not quite as bad as it was.
No assaults for a few years anyway.

[SaySomethingMan]

@GetYourSeasideArmsOffMe

have a friend who is an extreme hugger, and I think she makes it really awkward for people. She almost forces a hug on people, and despite being very socially aware she doesn’t seem to notice their discomfort. Strange!

I think she knows. I know a lady like this. She forced herself on her grandchildren, never reading social cues whilst they were little. They're now teens and have started to assert their boundaries and she purposefully crosses them because she thinks it's more important for the girls to learn to fit in and please people than consent. She thinks something awful will happen if they're not super social and it's like a missionary project.
We've had words. She ignored me and they predictably are becoming more and more estranged.

That’s such a sad picture. A grandma “forcing herself on “ grandchildren because she’s hugging them? I understand that they don’t want hugs and it’s their right but hugs among close family is such a lovely thing imo.

My DC and I love hugs though, just between us and other close family. In our home, we hug multiple times a day.

I hug friends too if they initiate it, give physical cues ask, etc but I could take or leave it tbh

I don’t understand the need to hug someone who doesn’t want to be hugged.

If people ignore your cues, just say, ‘no thank you’

[Everydayimhuffling]

OP, for your toddlers what works for mine is to pre-empt when a hug is likely and say to the child, "do you want to give a hug or a high five or a wave?" I'm not unwilling to physically intervene though if their choice is not respected. It took a few times to get that though.

[Alfenstein]

@GetYourSeasideArmsOffMe

Oh they know. They don't care. They see it as their entitled to it due to their position in the family. Like I say, i have two very problematic members of the family who are like this.
And randoms have always been very keen to welcome tjhemslevs to touching my body. Was really bad when I was younger and ramped up in pregnancy but now not quite as bad as it was.
No assaults for a few years anyway.

If they know and are ignoring your personal boundaries you need to be assertive

It's not like they don't know and are meeting you for the first time, therefore it can be a bit awkward to reject hugs in those situations

[Dotcheck]

@Snog

It's the kissing I dislike

Really, Snog?
🤣🤣🤣

[Dotcheck]

I hug, but I only hug other confirmed huggers.
Who are these people? If they keep doing it, I’m assuming family?

[GetYourSeasideArmsOffMe]

@Everydayimhuffling

OP, for your toddlers what works for mine is to pre-empt when a hug is likely and say to the child, "do you want to give a hug or a high five or a wave?" I'm not unwilling to physically intervene though if their choice is not respected. It took a few times to get that though.

Thank you, we do do this already. The probl is those that ignore that boundary and there are a few of them.
We have less problems with randoms breaching boundaries with toddlers, it's entitled family members who like to push.

[GetYourSeasideArmsOffMe]

@Dotcheck

I hug, but I only hug other confirmed huggers.
Who are these people? If they keep doing it, I’m assuming family?

The ones that are causing particular problems at the moment are family.
The ones that assaulted me where a stranger and a boss.
But it's not an unusual occurrence. It has got better as I've got older.

[burnoutbabe]

@daisychain01

Ive found the COVID elbow bump has become a very helpful weapon against unwarranted hugging. It creates a useful bit of distance by sticking your elbow out and turning your body sideways on. It gives all the right signals for keeping someone you don't want invading your personal space and getting too close.

Absolutely agree with you OP it should involve consent but often doesn't.

Yes I think I still do that. And most people now don't actually try and hug anyway post covid.

[Dotcheck]

@ThinWomansBrain

er, perhaps rethink your comment - it’s not the same thing, and WAY out of line.

You’ve just judged people who HAVE been silent while being attacked.

Well done

[RomComPhooey]

I had a hugger in my last workplace. She complained during the pandemic how much she hated not being able to hug everyone and was looking forward to starting again soon. She was oblivious to the discomfort of many colleagues, had poor boundaries in other aspects of her behaviour and was very needy. The hugging was a symptom of the neediness IMO. I was quite good at warding her off. OP - work on your resting bitch face and cultivate a certain steeliness.

[ClinkeyMonkey]

I really dislike being hugged as a greeting. It was never the norm when I was growing up and I will never get used to it. In the last couple of days I have been hugged by three people. This is more than usually happens in a whole year. They took me by surprise and I just went along with it so as not to offend (I fully admire anyone who just offends!). When I know hugs are likely to be on the agenda, I prepare myself in advance and make it clear it ain't happening. But those surprise hugs, when you suddenly meet someone you haven't seen in a long time or you are introduced to a person you weren't expecting to meet who is a hugger, are the ones I can't deal with. At least in these cases, though, I haven't spent a long time in anticipatory dread. Someone was introduced to me yesterday and she reached out for a handshake. I liked her immediately!!

[MissLucyEyelesbarrow]

With people you don't know well, part of the problem may be that lots of people find hellos and goodbyes awkward, so the huggers may be interpreting what you think is clear anti-hug body language as general awkwardness.

No excuse for the family members though. I would just give a firm but breezy, "Lovely to see you. No hugs for me, thanks". If they call you odd, just stay breezy, "We're all different, aren't we?". Don't let them drag you into being defensive.

[TakeYourFinalPosition]

And, as with my toddlers, when they say no, people ignore them anyway and then once again I have to be the bad guy for re-enforcing consent.

That would absolutely not be okay for me.

Weirdly enough I was thinking about this early this morning... My in-laws don't hug DH, but they go out of their way to hug me. It drives me insane. I've tried saying I don't want a hug, but they got upset and then ignored it anyway. For some reason, despite hating it, I've sucked that up... but I won't for my baby.

I am going to let him choose if he does a hug or a wave, and if he chooses a wave, they will not be hugging him. Teaching him consent is VITAL to me. If we have to fall out over this, I will.

[MissLucyEyelesbarrow]

PS I share your pain. I used to work in France and everyone had to kiss their colleagues hello every fricking morning. It was torture.

[Lovemusic33]

I feel the same OP, I have some relatives that like to het everyone, one family member makes me feel really uncomfortable and he makes my dc (both ASD) hug him before we leave. I’m not a uglier, it makes me feel uncomfortable unless it’s my partner or my dc, though my dc don’t like hugs and I respect that.

[godmum56]

@GetYourSeasideArmsOffMe

. I am in the US and it’s considered rude to stop someone mid hug in the south.
Yes, it's the same in a lot of places and this is what I think people are missing. You can't stop someone hugging you it's seen as the height as rudeness.

Don't care if its rude or not, I still don't allow it unless I choose to. While I agree that it should be up to the hugger to look for clear permission signals, I think if they don't/aren't than that gives us anti huggers the right to take whatever action we need to to avoid a hug. I have seen the cup of tea analogy many times on facebook and other SM so its not just an MN thing.

[cushioncovers]

I hate hugging apart from my children and pets.

[godmum56]

@Lovemusic33

I feel the same OP, I have some relatives that like to het everyone, one family member makes me feel really uncomfortable and he makes my dc (both ASD) hug him before we leave. I’m not a uglier, it makes me feel uncomfortable unless it’s my partner or my dc, though my dc don’t like hugs and I respect that.

If you are there then how can the family member force them?

[godmum56]

@TakeYourFinalPosition

And, as with my toddlers, when they say no, people ignore them anyway and then once again I have to be the bad guy for re-enforcing consent.

That would absolutely not be okay for me.

Weirdly enough I was thinking about this early this morning... My in-laws don't hug DH, but they go out of their way to hug me. It drives me insane. I've tried saying I don't want a hug, but they got upset and then ignored it anyway. For some reason, despite hating it, I've sucked that up... but I won't for my baby.

I am going to let him choose if he does a hug or a wave, and if he chooses a wave, they will not be hugging him. Teaching him consent is VITAL to me. If we have to fall out over this, I will.

then should you not start modelling consent for them and stop sucking it up?

[Fraaahnces]

I think in my case, it’s a control thing. (I am a victim of historic SA, so it makes sense to me.) I loathe people grabbing me, hugging me, touching me, etc. If I am upset or something awful has happened, I am already feeling vulnerable. The worst thing anyone can do is try and pin me down in their grasp. I have absolutely no issues offering a hug to someone (I know and love) who needs one if I can see they are upset or vulnerable, but I bloody ask them first!!!

[MrsLargeEmbodied]

they were hugging during the volley ball game, between the shots
i found that so annoying