Husband doesn't want to pay early pregnancy scan

[Newmamak]

My husband doesn't want to pay for an early scan ( I'm hopefully 7 weeks now) because he views it as we are paying the NHS with our taxes for one. He is very tight with money, not stingy but his immediate response is to never spend anything (I'm not complaining, he has good money sense and savings) but his reaction was really hurtful to me as it's only £55 and last week we went out to dinner in a nice restaurant with his friends and our share cost £80 alone so I can't understand why that 1 meal is more important than an early scan. It really hurt me that he is not excited about it like I am. He is all logic and I know I'm more emotional than normal if that's possible, but everything with him is so unemotional that I just feel so alone. Especially because I can't tell anyone. Once I started crying with disappointment, and explained why, he said just get the scan. But I'm so hurting right now. I know he doesn't process like I do and is trying his best, all housework, foot rubs dinner every day but I'm just so disappointed. I've felt so emotionally lonely the past few weeks I can't even being myself to hug him right now... am I completely unreasonable? Does anyone understand?

Early scans are a waste of money. They do the 12week scan on the nhs because statistically it's unusual to miscarry later, though not impossible. Before 12 weeks many pregnancies do end in miscarriage and while you could have a scan today and everything be fine, it wouldn't necessarily be fine tomorrow. You need to relax a bit, meant kindly. The first 12 weeks are the worst anxiety wise but the stats are on your side and it'll all likely be fine

Statistically it's unusual to miscarry after a heartbeat is detected

The biggest drop in risk actually occurs at 6-8 weeks

Not 12

Risk goes from 1/5 to 3/100 (1.5/100 at 8 weeks)

I'd get the scan. I did in the past with all mine. It was helpful and reassuring.
I didn't once ask permission from my OH. I just booked it. I'm not even sure if he came with me.
I wouldn't make a drama of it.
Just go.

The only alarm bells in your post are that if he's the type of tight individual that moans about the cost of a private early scan, wait til he sees the price of prams!!!

nhs do their scan at 12 weeks (actually 11-14) because this is when they can do the NT test and other such tests. and best time for dating. a heartbeat can be seen from 6 weeks.

I saw a heartbeat at 7+4 so not sure where you're getting your information from Quincy.

OP, I know the thread has moved on since last night and I haven't read it all but if you would feel reassured by a scan please do get one! My private sonographer was incredible and pointed out head, heart, spine, arms and legs so we knew exactly what was what. They definitely don't just look like a baked bean at 7 weeks

I saw a heartbeat at 7+4 so not sure where you're getting your information from Quincy

She’s a doctor. And she was talking about six weeks, not seven and a half.

Clearly she isn't, or at least not an overly knowledgeable one

'A fetal heartbeat may first be detected by a vaginal ultrasound as early as 5 1/2 to 6 weeks after gestation. That's when a fetal pole, the first visible sign of a developing embryo, can sometimes be seen. But between 6 1/2 to 7 weeks after gestation, a heartbeat can be better assessed'

Have you got a particular reason for wanting the scan? A dd had an expensive one with her 3rd, but only because of her age - early 40s - she wanted to be sure that all was well.

I would just add that both of mine were born well before you could buy home tests. But I knew I was pregnant quite early on with my first - tingling right boob! - but dh seemed very detached and not especially interested, let alone excited, as I was. Which did upset me a bit at the time.

But despite that, he’s always been the most fantastic dad, and now a wonderful grandpa too, so please don’t take what you see as a lack of interest now, to heart.

In many healthcare systems a scan is done as soon as you have a positive pregnancy test, to confirm that it is not ectopic. If it is ectopic, it often can be treated conservatively at that early stage, saving the woman a fallopian tube. I had private scans in the UK with both of mine exactly for this reason.

The fact that the nhs does something to save money does not mean that it is objectively the best thing to do. All NHS protocols are balancing not only risk vs reward, but also against the financial cost of treatment to the budget, and I am not sure why people refer to them as as some sort of a gold standard, because the absolutely aren't. It us totally okay to love yourself a bit more than the government does, and have that balance in a different point. Especially makes sense if you're 35 and it is your first baby. Just go and do a private scan, when your DH has an issue, tell him you'd skip the next two meals out instead.

If you feel lonely, how would you feel about talking to a few trusted people about your pregnancy?

There are no “rules” that you can’t tell people. The support of some friends and family really helped me early doors. Not every pregnancy works out it’s true, but telling your mum or best friend won’t make anything bad happen and might give you comfort during this early phase.

Not a Dr I'd want treating me with that attitude.

If you're worried or have concerns (especially due to any bleeding/cramping etc.), go along to your local EPU and ask for a scan. Ime the scan there will be a lot more accurate and the doctors/nurses will be able to provide you with a lot more information than with a private scan.

I had a private scan at 5-6 weeks (missed period, positive test) and the sonographer couldn't see anything on the scan. I went along to the EPU the next day as I was worried about ectopic etc., and the staff there were great - they located the foetus on the scan, dated the pregnancy and booked me in for a check-up a couple of weeks later to make sure everything was proceeding ok.

The NHS may not scan routinely before 12 weeks but services are there for those who have concerns. Be prepared for a long wait though!

I had early scans each time due to endometriosis making me high risk ectopic on one side - they were on the NHS. Certain other risk factors also indicate early scans. I'm not sure why you were not offered a scan if you had diagnosed damage due to endometriosis. What wasn't available was routine early scans where there are no specific risk factors as they add little value and can increase anxiety.

Some PPs here have highlighted that the reassurance lasted about a day. The heart is not fully formed below 8 weeks so its not a true heart beat and that matters because its used by forced birthers to "prove" an established pregnancy and push back women's reproductive rights.

There is a lot of advertising targeted at new mothers playing on anxiety and selling scans/services and feeding off that anxiety. There is a false assumption that screening/scanning in itself can cause no harm. An anxious new mother needs sympathetic support and help with the anxiety and exhaustion of the first trimester. This is more likely to be effective from peer or midwife support than spending sizeable sums of money on scans which cannot even change outcomes.

One who was factually accurate? At six weeks the heart is not formed. I'd rather be told that, than be sold scans whose only benefit was the pocket of the seller.

If you have spare money and want to get scanned frequently then by all means do so. But lets not pretend this industry is wholly altruistic - there is a lot of money to be made preying on women's fears.

Op i understand why you want one. It must be reassuring to see something is definitely there growing. In my experience i had a miscarriage at 12 weeks with my first and I vowed i would get an early scan next time so I would at least get a photo keepsake (i mc 2 days before my 12 week scan). However I am now 10 weeks in my 2nd PG and I haven't. I asked my midwife at my 8 week appointment and she said in her honest opinion they were a waste of money (true as they have gone to £70 where I am and I can't afford that). She said you could do it then find you miscarry that night there's no guarantee.

If you personally would find it reassuring then absolutely go for it, it's your money but be weary that it may make you feel like you need more and more to get that same feeling of relief.

Also please don't be mad at your dp. Early pregnancy is all about the woman. He has no role there's nothing he can do if it does go wrong except support you. Until men actually see the baby as looking baby like they don't all connect to it or feel it's real. My dp is the same he doesn't want me wasting money on a private scan, but I know when his ex was PG with their first two once he saw the babies on the 12 week scans he insisted on paying private to find out the sex further on. Maybe your dp will be the same.

@C8H10N4O2 except she isn't factually correct at all

Fetal heartbeats are found even as early as 5.5 weeks

Before the heart is formed? Remarkable. Don't take my word for it - go find a book on embryology - the chambers and valves which create the pulsing are not in place at that point.

A lot of what you can hear is detection of flows which scanners present as pulsing. Again don't take my word for it - read up on the workings of scanners.

This misrepresentation results in seriously ill women being denied abortions because the "heartbeat" is taken as proof of a living soul or some such nonsense.

You want to pay for scans? Fill your boots. But scanning in itself solves and helps nothing in a normal healthy pregnancy and can cause anxieties.

If you have specific risk factors then yes, an early scan may be indicated in order to intervene on the mothers behalf. Its not going to prevent or fix an ectopic or miscarriage - it will only detect it.

@C8H10N4O2

You're so wrong it's actually concerning

'At about five weeks gestation, your baby's heart begins to beat. At this point, a normal fetal heart rate is about the same as the mother's: 80 to 85 beats per minute (bpm). From this point, it will increase its rate of about three beats per minute per day during that first month'

'By week 5, a baby's heart tube begins to beat spontaneously, though you quite can't hear it yet'

@C8H10N4O2

Oh and for good measure since you think a heat doesn't even exist at 5-6 weeks

'By week 4, a distinct blood vessel has formed inside your embryo, which will soon develop into your baby's heart and circulatory (blood) system. At week 5, the preliminary structures that make up your baby's heart begin spontaneously beating'

The miscarriage rate drops from 6 weeks onwards after any movement is detected.

Human heartbeat classic sound comes from the four chambers and the valves between them which are not formed before about eight weeks. That is when miscarriage risk starts to drop significantly.

What you are hearing is the scanner turning the early rhythmic contractions of the embryonic heart muscle into a more classic pulsing sound. That can start as early as 21 days from memory but does not indicate a drop in miscarriage risk or anything else much.

I remember hearing this sound when I had to have early scans and thinking it was the heart - I was told very clearly that this was just an early development indicator and not a true heartbeat before eight weeks. ie it can be very misleading.

That was before an entire industry grew up to prey on women's fears and sell them "reassuring" scans at 50-100 quid a pop.

Incidentally @Alfenstein - lets say you go for a 6 week scan and you don't hear the full simulated pulse? What do you think can actually be done about it? What is the value of paying for that scan?

@C8H10N4O2

Miscarriage risks drop from 6 weeks, once a heartbeat is detected

You're talking from your backside

Risk after 6 weeks with heartbeat - 3%

Risks after 8 weeks with heartbeat - 1.5%

Risk before 6 weeks - 20-25%

It's called reassurance

Do you not think going from a 20% risk of miscarriage to a 3% risk is reassuring

And yes if no heartbeat it found you go back in a week, and if not then you've found out early about your loss

You're being absolutely ridiculous

A blood clot has to get to 5cm? That sounds huge!

The publications that tell you ‘you can hear a heartbeat at 6 weeks’ are just simplifying so people with little physiological knowledge can understand. It’s ‘what’s going to be the heart’ and a machine turns that electrical impulse into something that we can understand as a heartbeat. You can’t have a heartbeat if there isn’t a heart yet- as in a 4 chamber cardiac vessel. But it’s the precursor to what we known as a heartbeat so colloquially that’s what it’s known as.

I can think of many other examples where things are presented as a definite when they are much more nuanced. If you go down that rabbit hole you start wondering if anything anyone tells you is true. Which of course it is- to a point.

It’s also a really good point considering what are you going to do with the results of a scan or test. Because yes if it all comes back fine then you of course will be reassured but what if it doesn’t? Because if it’s inconclusive and ‘come back in 2 weeks’ all you will be thinking is the worst. Which might happen or it might not but the point is you can do literally nothing about it. Which is why we don’t screen or test for a whole load of things because it cannot change the course of what we do and the information we can get from the test is limited.