Husband doesn't want to pay early pregnancy scan

[Newmamak]

My husband doesn't want to pay for an early scan ( I'm hopefully 7 weeks now) because he views it as we are paying the NHS with our taxes for one. He is very tight with money, not stingy but his immediate response is to never spend anything (I'm not complaining, he has good money sense and savings) but his reaction was really hurtful to me as it's only £55 and last week we went out to dinner in a nice restaurant with his friends and our share cost £80 alone so I can't understand why that 1 meal is more important than an early scan. It really hurt me that he is not excited about it like I am. He is all logic and I know I'm more emotional than normal if that's possible, but everything with him is so unemotional that I just feel so alone. Especially because I can't tell anyone. Once I started crying with disappointment, and explained why, he said just get the scan. But I'm so hurting right now. I know he doesn't process like I do and is trying his best, all housework, foot rubs dinner every day but I'm just so disappointed. I've felt so emotionally lonely the past few weeks I can't even being myself to hug him right now... am I completely unreasonable? Does anyone understand?

I’m not being antagonistic at all.
I am neutrally stating medical and clinical facts.

Just because some don’t like those facts, they don’t cease to exist or be meaningful.

People are spouting incorrect information as fact.

Nothing and I mean nothing in the literature indicates a scan at 7 weeks for most women who are low risk pregnancies. No inherently useful information, beyond knowing you’re pregnant (which you already know) is gained from this.

Another poster further up has very succinctly mentioned why some countries offer more scans, and earlier, and it’s all to do with the population and HC system, rather than it being a clinical need.

@Quincythequince it can’t be that you’re incorrect? Why would they be trying to con me?

it wasn’t a private paid for scan it was for medical reasons so I’m not sure what their motive would be to con me..?

Awww OP, I feel sorry for you and you sound a little overwhelmed and anxious. Maybe being admitted to A&E with the blood clot threw you off a little so if this is the case then contact your EPU, tell them how anxious you are, and ask for some reassurance/a scan. As it's so early they may opt to do a transvaginal scan in order to pick up your babies' heartbeat so it may be best to wait a week or two and see how you feel then, or indeed to just go for the private scan. There will be more to see then! I'm a little confused about your husband and the money. Do you need to clear your spending with him? Can you clarify? Also, I do feel that lots of men simply don't invest in the pregnancy early doors as it's not them directly involved in growing a new life and the plethora of symptoms and emotions that go along with that so they can be a bit thick and it can take them some time to catch on to what's happening. TLR: go for the scan and pay for it yourself if you want to.

Probably best to stop interacting with @Quincythequince as this person clearly thinks they know everything and is ready to look down on any information anyone else has. They might be “neutrally stating” things but on a post where the OP was clearly upset and probably anxious (wanting a reassurance scan) they have come across very cold and unkind.

have a lovely evening everyone!

i work in a private scan clinic and if i were you i’d wait til 9 weeks if you can. a scan at 7 weeks can go a few ways - you can be earlier than you thought and see nothing (they will have to refer you to a hospital which could be totally unnecessary), you could see a heartbeat and all will be well, or the pregnancy could go wrong even after seeing the heartbeat. most missed miscarriages i’ve seen have been at around 8 weeks - a scan at 7 would do nothing to reassure me unless the scan was solely to rule out ectopic. if you can wait til 9 then definitely do.

I had to have early scans in each pregnancy due to being a likely high risk for ectopic. As PPs have said - transvaginal, you see a baked bean, the heart has not formed so you are not hearing a real heart beat. I wouldn't pay for one. I do think some clinics make a nice living out of preying on the common fears women have and selling excess scans.

At this stage of gestation any intervention will be to save the mother - if I'd had an ectopic the only option would have been removal. There was not an intervention which would have prevented loss if there was any problem with the embryo at this stage.

If you are anxious the anxiety won't go after an 8 week scan - well it might for a few hours but it will come back. You might find it more helpful to talk to the midwife about some of your fears - most of them will be common fears of first time mothers and your midwife team or other recent mothers might be able to reassure you.

god Your being reall dramatic comparing it to eating out 🤣 he’s quite rite tho an early scan is quite shit there’s nothing to see but a kidney bean shape so my advice is don’t waste your money till your further on

No. I am not incorrect because there is no embryonic heart!

At that stage it’s still an embryo, not a foetus.

and there is is no heart. Don’t take my word for it - look it up.

If they are referring to the noise generated by the machine when it detects the impulses, they have wrongly called it a heart beat!

It can’t beat if it’s not there can it.

I've not read the replies. I've also voted (gently) as I recall early pregnancy and hormones well
but YABU, sorry.
A scan at 7 weeks?!
What can you even glean at that early stage?
I think I had a 12 week and a 20 week scan with both of mine.
Just seen your update, not sure how an early scan would give you any info on a blood clot in your leg 😕

Ok thread police!

You will notice many others have said similar, and my responses here are to people other than the OP (like you) who are responding to me. So wind your neck in and of you don’t want a response, don’t post at me.

OP is clearly anxious, a scan at this at this stage is very unlikely to assuage this.

Blimey! I didn't even know I was pregnant until the GP did a test! I just thought I was unwell. I was 13 weeks pregnant they reckoned after the midwife did a scan.

There isn’t much to see/ check on a 7 week scan though is there it’s a waste of money

It's not a waste of money is it. OP probably wants the reassurance of seeing heartbeat and the baby.

I've ignored the thread! I had the same issue. Convinced it couldn't be so easy. Dh took some convincing but he respected the fact I was pregnant. So he paid (makes way more than me) Best thing I did.

I paid for an early scan and kind of regretted it, partly because it didn't really take away any of the anxiety. They do it internally at that gestation and it seems there is a strong correlation between early internal scans and left-handedness. No big deal, but I don't really like the idea that something I did changed my baby's brain. Three kids, two early scans (different reasons) and both of those are left handed.

Wow a lot of judgemental women on here jumping on the original poster.

it’s not hard to work out it’s more his response and attitude to the request for an early scan, and what he deems important/unimportant than who’s actually paying for it.

please can we all speak to each other without judgement and with some kindness, there are ways to say things without battering this lady who has posted a genuine concern.

in a world where women hating on women in a vulnerable state, or just looking for some support is not where I want to be, nor why I joined this forum.

be kind!

I had an early scan at 8 weeks and you can see more than a 'kidney bean'. I actually found out I was having twins and was lovely to see their little heartbeats.

And it doesn't affect your babies brain going for an early scan. The poster that mentioned she had two left handed children from early scans. Sorry but that made me laugh out loud. How ridiculous to think the two can be connected!

My husband paid for early pregnancy scans due to risks/previous problems.

I can honestly say, I'd prefer the foot rubs and dinner every night. (I don't get that)

Just wait for the 12 weeks.. unless you're really worried and get it done yourself. He will probably be happy when he sees the scan and it might become "more real"

Haven't read the whole thread so sorry if I missed anything

Okay, yeah I think he should pay for one if that's what will make you feel better

See to be fair I had early scans due to complications which I got through our EPAU at 6, 8 and 10 weeks and there was no reassurance there because we couldn't get a heartbeat and there was so little to see. It actually made me feel more anxious until we finally got a heartbeat at 10weeks but by that stage my head was away and I was distraught convinced the pregnancy wasn't progressing. So I'd be really wary of going to anyone other than the epau at this stage who are more specialised, can explain everything clearly and give the right support. I don't think @Quincythequince is wrong in what they're saying- delivery maybe just not the best- but I think they just want op to be cautious about what they are expecting. Perhaps the equipment used in the Netherlands is better I know I see a big difference when I go to my community midwife than my consultant in the hospital because of the equipment they're using especially because I have a tilted pelvis- the ultrasound in the community team couldn't pick a thing up at 12 wks for us.

Being a doctor doesn’t stop you being ignorant.

I am 37, with my first child and have endometriosis - I had an early scan privately as i have a higher chance of ectopic pregnancy, NHS won’t give one early as unstaffed and under funded even though I’m higher risk, which I understand, so I paid private.

some people are more anxious than others, have had MC etc…. There are many reason original poster may not have mentioned, nor does she has to, but as a doctor have some common sense, compassion and respect.

this is why I avoid doctors as they seem judgemental and don’t see or try to see the whole picture.

Right I think there are some points that need stated.

Firstly thank you for those who have left helpful and supportive responses, whether or not you agree with my point of view, it is appreciated.

1. I work, I have my own money, I also in my marriage try to work as a team and pool resources. A lot of people are taking my first post as that I am unable to provide the money. It was never about not having means. It was about my understanding of reasoning.

1. I am not financially abused because I ask my husband if we can do something together- the bank out of which it would come out of makes no difference.

1. I was financially, mentally and emotionally abused in the past by an ex of nearly 10years, I ask 'can we ' specifically instead of' I'm getting or I want' because in my view it's polite when instead of making demands when it's concerning your chosen human, to me it shows a respect.

1. Due to the aforementioned near decade of quite literally hell for me, the dream of getting married and actually having a family had all but died, having miraculously feeling like my life has stopped stagnated, meeting my husband and actually having the things in life that so many people take for granted . Maybe I just can't believe it's real yet and always a little anxious it's still not for me.

1. I have varicose veins from being stuck in retail management positions for over 15 years, I'm standing all day, this is not an uncommon problem. I recently developed a blood clot and while trying to just get a gp appointment they panicked me by saying I should go straight to a&e because of the pregnancy. Hence the stress.

1. I'm really glad those of you got the scans that you wanted, I'm glad those of you who didn't want to didn't. I'm devastated for those who lost babies, scans or not, my friend recently lost hers so maybe that's in my mind too. I have another friend who had 2 ectopic and had successful IVF. , So again I've probably got this in my head also.

1. Yea, I'm overemotional, I was led to believe that being pregnant could do that to you. I would like to reiterate the gratitude to those of you who have not judged me on something I can't control.

1. This was not meant to be a medical debate, I appreciate all those who contributed information as to the pros and cons, opinions and views. We need more of these in civilised conversations, and not mud slinging.

1. And finally to those of you looking to pick fights, I'm too tired for that crap, I'm trying to grow a human didn't ya hear.... :P

@Newmamak I think you’re getting the rough of it here. I did find early scans reassuring, especially after a period of illness when it is only natural for worries to increase.

My consultant offered scans every 2
weeks, with a month of scans every 10 days around the period I usually loose babies and I had additional scan once I recovered from illness.

The scans are only a snapshot of that point in time, and something could happen later, but knowing everything is okay at the moment eased my anxieties to a point of being manageable. Having the scan pictures on my bedside table is comforting.

I also think it’s understandable you’re feeling emotionally isolated from your partner, because there is currently a disconnect. It sounds like you’re able to talk things through eventually, but it’s taking energy you don’t currently have to spare. It is all quite new for both of you and will probably get better as your pregnancy progresses

I'm upset about its the attitude that 1 meal is more important than our first child

YAB ridiculous in trying to make out like that was a choice between the two things.
They are not connected in any way.

I wonder if companies offering private scans when they are too early to be useful should even be allowed to cash in on people's anxieties. What are you hoping to learn from this scan?

Not sure why you need to pay. You usually get one free on the NHS around 12 weeks.