Partner refusing to wear bike helmet

[Minky719]

Hello Mumsnet,

I’m fairly sure I’m not being unreasonable here but wanted to get some further opinions on this.

DP purchased a bike recently and has been enjoying going for bike rides after work in the good weather. We live in the middle of a large City, so much of the cycling is done on main roads.

The issue I’m having is he just refuses to wear a helmet. He didn’t originally purchase one when he got the bike which I called him up on, and he did then buy a helmet soon after. It fits fine so no issues there, but he’s probably worn it once.

He’s just gone out on a bike ride and yet again is not wearing a helmet. I told him before he left now that I’m not happy about it and asked him why he can’t just wear one when he can see it bothers me (not to mention the very obvious dangers associated with not wearing one). His response is that’s he’s a competent cyclist, he’ll be fine etc. Of course I do not want him to have an accident, but I don’t know how to make him realise it’s important to wear one!

I completely get it’s his choice and there’s no legal requirement to wear one but AIBU here?

Thanks

Get this

hovding.com/

Looks like a scarf but acts like an airbag helmet to protect your head in an accident.

I personally know two men who had bad bikes crashes on London streets. One died. The other had a major head injury and is not fully recovered a year later.

On a population level it's safer not to have helmet use mandated because it means more people cycle - more car use means more dangerous roads overall.

However in an individual crash, I think a helmet does make a difference.

I get this, and I really don’t want to appear controlling or as if I’m nagging. We’ve had a conversation this evening where I’ve explained how I feel, but also expressed that it’s on him and I’m not going to force the issue. I don’t think it’s unreasonable to be upset at the thought of your partner getting seriously injured (or worse) but I do realise I can’t force him to do something he doesn’t want to.

this mentality is hugely controlling

No it isn't. The word "controlling" is overused so much on mumsnet. Wanting someone you love to wear a bike helmet is not controlling in the slightest.

Of course its not unreasonable to feel upset at the though of him having an accident.

I suffer with anxiety and have to separate out the likely to the unlikely, I worry that my OH will have an accident on the motorway. I dont think he is particularly a very good driver, I think his responses are too slow and he has an 160 mile round commute, more sometimes, all motorway.

So I do worry, probably unecessarily. But, the issue is about this mentality I see on tons of posts on this site, normally along the lines of 'doesnt he know how much this upsets you??' As if people should change what they do for themselves to placate or assuage the feelings of someone else. Thats not on.

I really wish we had better cycling infrastructure though, when new roads are build, it should be compulsory to have a cycle lane separated from cars along it

Yep, wearing one as a pedestrian would save a lot of head injuries too.

If you read my post properly, Im talking about the 'it upsets me' mentality.

Not saying to someone 'I think you need to wear a helmet they might be safer' and just accepting the answer if they dont want to

Although as many have already set out, the jury is out on that, there is lots of interesting research about this.

Also just to add to this, I don’t agree that it only concerns him. He’s my partner and if anything were to happen to him it affects me and our family. I respect his right to autonomy, and will no longer raise the matter as I’ve made my feelings clear, but it does concern me if he ends up involved in an accident.

My brother also survived a terrible cycle accident. Thank goodness he had the sense to wear a helmet, as the outcome would have been totally different!

I am a huge advocate of bike safety, my children always wear them, sadly quite a few of their friends don't, these are primary aged kids with hardly any road sense. No parent, in my opinion should allow their child to ride their bike without a helmet on, I personally believe it should be a legal requirement.

Appreciate your partner is an adult and he has his own mind but I would go spare if my partner didn't practise what we preach to the kids!

YANBU OP and I am quite surprised at some of the comments saying you are.

Yes, presumably you've raised the same objections about him driving, walking and crossing roads, cycling with a helmet on...... the list is endless

I totally get the point you’re trying to make. For whatever reason I have heightened anxiety over him cycling than I do him walking to work, though I appreciate he could just as easily be run over by a bus whilst on foot as he could be knocked off his bike. It’s tricky to articulate why I’m more bothered about the cycling, and as you pointed out in a previous post it’s not right to expect him to change his ways simply to placate me.

@Minky719 I think you can only do/say what I did, that if he has a life changing injury whilst not wearing a helmet you aren't sacrificing your life and happiness to care for him.

I totally get why you feel that way.

Im too scared to get on a bike myself but I would love to get back on mine, I am a classic lady leisure cyclist though, no road cycling, but even then I worry Im going to inexplicably fall off!

Im also very cautious on the roads, particularly on country lanes, there could be a cyclist round the next bend. It worries me that drivers bomb around without comprehension that there are a range of road users, they drive to a speed that assumes the other road users are all cars

I will wait behind a cyclist until is safe to overtake in the same way I would if it was a car I was over taking, no one else appears to understand this rule of the road.

That’s just very silly

I wore a helmet but came off my bike and smacked the pavement square with my face. Helmet did absolutely nothing. I looked like a placenta for several weeks. Indeed it was my sunglasses that caused the worst injuries but also stopped my eye sockets smashing 🤷🏻‍♀️

You are right.

My DH always wears one now... after a long visit with death -and weeks in a coma. Life in on wheels was quite different when head-support and and someone to push were required.

He was 'lucky' ..,after a few years he got most of his life back but our children (and I ) spent many long months helping him recover .

We have all been changed.

At age 6 and 8 they would stop bare-headed cyclists (almost always men) and ask them to wear a helmet.

My daughter's friend's dad was not so lucky. Same lack of hard top led to the same injury but was fatal.

It is so difficult to pass on the lesson of experience. Wish I could send it to your DH and all those other Dads.

Yes, presumably you've raised the same objections about him driving, walking and crossing roads

This silly "whataboutery" doesn't carry the same level of risk though.

Just to add, despite my accident I continue to wear my helmet.

I think that's a pretty strange way to look at it. Yeah me falling off my bike physically hurts me more but it impacts those around me hugely in the event I'm seriously injured.

Feeling bad that you're not being considered in someone you loves risk taking is pretty common. In climbing for example you see many people dialing back once children and families are involved because there's a greater consideration than just you dying.

I deal with injury claims. The injuries are horrendous enough the first thing we check is whether a helmet was worn because if the answer is no we assume it's going to be bloody nasty

OP you can't force him and I totally understand your worry. I would feel exactly the same.

Maybe shock him to the reality.
He may feel he doesn't look particularly cool wearing a helmet, but he'd look absolutely awful with his brains scattered on the road.

And really who is he trying to impress with his looks exactly? It's about staying as safe as possible.
I don't think anyone would notice what he looks like with or without a helmet. Pedestrians would concentrate on trying to stay out of his way not on how he looks like. Other cyclists wouldn't care less what he looks like as long as he stays out if their way. And motorists would most likely be concentrating on coming out with more expletives when they see him on the road.

It doesn't matter how good a cyclist he (thinks he) is. The other toad users can be unpredictable and simply isn't protected enough. UK roads are not ideal for cyclists.

I've been a mountain biker and also a road cyclist for a good thirty years. I always wear a helmet

A friend of mine got knocked off his bike once and made an insurance claim. If you do so and you weren't wearing a helmet at the time it goes against you. This is what he was told

I was once riding through a wood and came across a fallen tree, I ducked down to go under a branch and as I came back up there was another branch I hadn't seen

The branch hit my helmet and ripped my helmet clean off my head and also put a huge gouge in the helmet. If I hadn't been wearing a helmet I'd probably have been knocked out and have a huge cut but instead I just had a damaged helmet

I sometimes see very serious looking cyclists out on the road with no helmet on. Some people find them uncomfortable. For me personally looks and comfort come second to safety. People who don't wear a helmet will soon wish they did once they fall off.

You could be the best rider in the world but that doesn't allow for a car not giving you enough space and knocking you off. Imagine falling off at 20mph, it's not going to be a nice experience surrounded by tarmac and concrete. You're husband needs to wind his neck in and stop being so bloody stupid. It's not a fashion parade

Would he listen to 'I know you're a great cyclist, but there are thousands of shit drivers out there'?

It's putting the risk in terms of others not being as good as him, rather than him being a twat with delusions of invicibility to the fundamental laws of science (gravity, deceleration, forces, moments, biology, etc).

Or just take out a very comprehensive death and serious injury/disability policy on him.

@gatehouseoffleet Is there a difference between cycling and skiing? Coming down a hill at speed, even if you are competent, you catch a pot hole or edge and you go down the most important thing is you protect your head. Broken leg or collar bone mends but trauma to a head is a game changer. Only my opinion though.

I don’t wear a bike helmet unless legally obliged to. I also drive a car with no seatbelts fitted.