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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Girl tried to pull down my son’s shorts

297 replies

dontwanttooverreact · 05/08/2022 14:10

My son is 4 and he went to a 3 hour camp at our sport’s club today. He had been yesterday with a school friend and today with the same friend. After pick up today he told us that a 10 year old girl had tried to pull down his pants and shorts “to see if he was a girl or a boy”.

he is upset, this was his first experience of camp and he is quite shy. Additionally the school friend independently told her mother the exact same story so i believe it (I believed it anyway but you never know with 4 year olds and details.

he told the supervisor who apparently said something to the girl but no one told us at pick up.

AIBU to be furious? I had assumed initially the girl was also 4/5, but 10?!? Surely that’s not on? What, if anything, can I do?

[Title edited by MNQ at poster's request]

OP posts:
Original poster
dontwanttooverreact · 05/08/2022 14:51

nokidshere · 05/08/2022 14:45

If it's a family members club why don't you speak to the family member in charge and ask how they have dealt with it?

As in its a member’s club for families

OP posts:
Original poster
dontwanttooverreact · 05/08/2022 14:52

SliceOfCakeCupOfTea · 05/08/2022 14:47

Is it Grass Roots??

They have a big social media presence too so if they try to downplay or cover up the whole thing then I'd take it public.

No, it isn’t. They do also have a big social media presence though.

OP posts:
overnightangel · 05/08/2022 14:53

Hugasauras · 05/08/2022 14:22

Yes it's awful and I wonder what their response would have been with a 10yo boy pulling down the trousers of a 4yo girl. Definitely escalate it. Your poor son.

100% this

Navigatingnewwaters · 05/08/2022 14:53

If someone pulled your shorts down to lol at your genitals you’d surely consider that an assault

GretaVanFleet · 05/08/2022 14:53

dontwanttooverreact · 05/08/2022 14:40

I am not going to contact the police, obviously

but I do think this is pretty outrageous as a situation

Thank goodness for that.

What do you want from this? An apology given to your DS? To speak to the child yourself? The girl excluded temporarily or permanently?

Ultimately she tried but failed to pull the shorts down. Children do stupid things. I’d be happy if the staff explained to her in the presence of her parents why this isn’t acceptable, with a warning that if she did it again she’d not be able to attend again.

Navigatingnewwaters · 05/08/2022 14:53

To look not lol

Original poster
dontwanttooverreact · 05/08/2022 14:55

Their kid’s club info online states ages 4-10 so the ages do mix

OP posts:
StillHappy · 05/08/2022 14:55

namechanged4it · 05/08/2022 14:43

Sorry but I don't think this was a "sexual assault". It was bullying behaviour and very inappropriate - yes. The child just needs to be told and disciplined. Unless she has a history of this I would also be mindful of making her feel like an utter villan. Who knows what her circumstances are. That doesn't take away from OPs child but still.

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She was trying to see his penis, how can that not be sexual?

Original poster
dontwanttooverreact · 05/08/2022 14:58

GretaVanFleet · 05/08/2022 14:53

Thank goodness for that.

What do you want from this? An apology given to your DS? To speak to the child yourself? The girl excluded temporarily or permanently?

Ultimately she tried but failed to pull the shorts down. Children do stupid things. I’d be happy if the staff explained to her in the presence of her parents why this isn’t acceptable, with a warning that if she did it again she’d not be able to attend again.

Show quote history

For a start I would have liked/expected the club to have relayed this information to us themselves since my son told them about it. They have failed at the first hurdle. I would now expect quite a big apology and an explanation as to how this happened/why the supervision wasn’t adequate.

i would definitely like them to tell the girl’s parents as well. I would have liked to speak to them myself but I see that isn’t a possibility.

OP posts:
C8H10N4O2 · 05/08/2022 14:59

dontwanttooverreact · 05/08/2022 14:55

Their kid’s club info online states ages 4-10 so the ages do mix

Clubs may have sessions for children of a range of ages but it would be unusual to have the full ranged mixed within groups because its a significant safety risk and contrary to most coaching guidelines.

blebbleb · 05/08/2022 15:00

Surely this girl needs be excluded from the club? If the roles were reversed everyone would be up in arms.

Original poster
dontwanttooverreact · 05/08/2022 15:01

Based on what I’ve seen dropping off they are all just together inside in one room. I could be wrong, but I’m also inclined to believe DS (and his friend)

OP posts:
Original poster
dontwanttooverreact · 05/08/2022 15:02

blebbleb · 05/08/2022 15:00

Surely this girl needs be excluded from the club? If the roles were reversed everyone would be up in arms.

It’s interesting to see responses on here because as I said I don’t “know” for sure that this is something a 10 year old should know is wrong; but I have a feeling that it is!

OP posts:
carefullycourageous · 05/08/2022 15:03

StillHappy · 05/08/2022 14:29

Are you serious? If you were assaulted at a gym, would you say that it was fine if the gym said they were not going to give you your attacker’s details?

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The gym would be breaking the law if they did give you the attacker's details.

If someone has assauted you at a gym, you tell the Police. The gym givs any details to the Police.

Soontobe60 · 05/08/2022 15:07

StillHappy · 05/08/2022 14:29

Are you serious? If you were assaulted at a gym, would you say that it was fine if the gym said they were not going to give you your attacker’s details?

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If someone were attacked at a gym I would expect the owners to give the POLICE the alleged attacker’s details, but not the victim.

Ahnobother · 05/08/2022 15:08

I'd agree with the other posters saying to push through a complaint very firmly with the club.
I have a 10 year old girl. She is fully aware from me and also safety programmes in school that genitals are private, that touching anyone is not appropriate and there is no way on earth she would think something like this is just a bit of fun. Definitely you need to know that it's being taken seriously and reviewed to ensure nothing happens like this again and also the girl needs to either be seriously told off or helped if there is a wider issue. That won't happen if the club just ignore it.

skgnome · 05/08/2022 15:09

You need to keep going until you get a suitable answer
if the roles were reversed people would be in arms
a 10 yo, even a 9 yo knows fully well that’s unacceptable behaviour, wanting to see his penis (or lack of) is not bullying or a child doing something dumb, is sexual harassment, not to mention the power imbalance - yes a couple of 5 year olds doing “show you mine if you show me yours” is children being dumb, but would still need the adults to intervine and explain why private parts are private, not brushing under the carpet
large clubs have child protection officers, ask to speak with them and demand a proper explanation - plan of action
if not satisfactory go to head office

carefullycourageous · 05/08/2022 15:09

dontwanttooverreact · 05/08/2022 15:02

It’s interesting to see responses on here because as I said I don’t “know” for sure that this is something a 10 year old should know is wrong; but I have a feeling that it is!

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10 is the age of criminal responsibility in England and Wales (if that is where you are). There is debate that this is too low - it is lower than many other countries - but it is what it is and by 10 most children would be expected to have awareness around privacy/touching but of course you have no idea of any reason why this specific child may not know/understand/remember/have impulse control.

Because 10 is the age of criminal responsibility, you could therefore report this to the Police as assault.

SherbertLemonDrop · 05/08/2022 15:14

I'd be concerned who has been showing her their willy to prove they are 'a boy' or vis versa. Needs reporting. If your son was a girl and a boy did that there would be uproar. What would she have done once she saw his penis and who else is she doing this to...

Badgirlriri · 05/08/2022 15:15

typical mumsnet…. “Sexual assault!” “Call the police!”

She’s allegedly 10. She needs speaking to and being told it is not appropriate to do that.

SherbertLemonDrop · 05/08/2022 15:16

If you report to the police they will speak with the family and might pick up if something is going on.

KnotofAnxiety · 05/08/2022 15:16

100% a 10 year old knows that pulling a smaller child's trousers down is wrong.
I would be escalating this as it's a massive safeguarding issue for both children
Your poor son, I hope he's ok

GretaVanFleet · 05/08/2022 15:17

dontwanttooverreact · 05/08/2022 14:58

For a start I would have liked/expected the club to have relayed this information to us themselves since my son told them about it. They have failed at the first hurdle. I would now expect quite a big apology and an explanation as to how this happened/why the supervision wasn’t adequate.

i would definitely like them to tell the girl’s parents as well. I would have liked to speak to them myself but I see that isn’t a possibility.

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They should have told you 100%
You have one member of staff to how many children? All it takes is something happening with one child and the others aren’t being watched as closely. I have helped as a parent on school trips and I don’t know whether you have ever supervised 10 children at once, it’s not easy.
My DC went to a similar club in school holidays and although they kept the younger ones away from the older they did all come together for mealtime and when the day was wrapping up.
The parents will presumably be mortified that their child has attempted to pull down a little boys shorts. Maybe request a letter of apology from the 10yo. she’s old enough to know that what she tried to do was wrong.

Rosesandblossoms · 05/08/2022 15:18

I was about to comment that 10 is the age of criminal responsibility and then saw @carefullycourageous beat me to it. I would complain to the club, in writing , and ask for details on an adequate response.

If this girl is 10, and attends school in England or Wales she will have had lessons about privacy and consent over the last three years at least (can’t comment on other countries), and should therefore be fully aware that it is beyond unacceptable.

I have a 10 year old and would be mortified and extremely concerned if she did something like this.

Georgeskitchen · 05/08/2022 15:18

I would be more inclined to think it was either a dare, a prank , or curiosity. Some 10 year olds(if this girl I actually 10) are more mature than others, not saying what she did or tried to do is acceptable , but neither is vilified a child as a future sex offender. A quiet talk about acceptable behaviour would be more appropriate IMO