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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Girl tried to pull down my son’s shorts

297 replies

dontwanttooverreact · 05/08/2022 14:10

My son is 4 and he went to a 3 hour camp at our sport’s club today. He had been yesterday with a school friend and today with the same friend. After pick up today he told us that a 10 year old girl had tried to pull down his pants and shorts “to see if he was a girl or a boy”.

he is upset, this was his first experience of camp and he is quite shy. Additionally the school friend independently told her mother the exact same story so i believe it (I believed it anyway but you never know with 4 year olds and details.

he told the supervisor who apparently said something to the girl but no one told us at pick up.

AIBU to be furious? I had assumed initially the girl was also 4/5, but 10?!? Surely that’s not on? What, if anything, can I do?

[Title edited by MNQ at poster's request]

OP posts:
wellhelloitsme · 05/08/2022 15:57

Alfenstein · 05/08/2022 15:50

@dontwanttooverreact because your post title contradicts this

It also then means those posters saying it's sexual assault are definitely off base

OP immediately posted after the first post with this: "Sorry my thread title is incorrect she didn’t manage she just tried"

She's been very clear.

jewishmum · 05/08/2022 15:57

So your son lied saying he was a girl, and the older boy couldn't believe that and had to find out the truth for himself.

I do find this reminiscent of the whole trans women in bathrooms gig where people have inappropriately suggested they show their genitals as proof to enter.(not that I agree with all inclusive bathrooms)

Yes the issue is the club not safeguarding the child. I'd call the non emergency police number on the club, not the older boy.

LittleTiger007 · 05/08/2022 15:57

RosesInTheHospital is absolutely correct. This is a massive safeguarding fail and you need to speak to the person in charge and soon. An older child should not be unsupervised with your child. On every level this is unsatisfactory and worrying.
Dont however make a big deal in front of your son. Listen to him calmly but try not to add to the remembered trauma of the event. Instead use this to empower him for the future - learning that this is not ok but that he is going to be ok.

Addicted2LuvIsland · 05/08/2022 15:58

dontwanttooverreact · 05/08/2022 15:39

My son has form for reporting stuff very accurately - there have been a couple of incidents at nursery he always came home and told me in detail and was always corroborated by the teacher. He was very specific that they tried to pull them down physically - he knows very well about bottoms and willies being private hence why he was upset by it.

Show quote history

Also I thought you corrected yourself and said your child said "tried". Tried as in reached over but didn't actually have the intention to do it and was just pretending or tried as in grabbed him and he got away. Two v different things.

Original poster
dontwanttooverreact · 05/08/2022 15:58

Alfenstein · 05/08/2022 15:53

@dontwanttooverreact

But your son isn't a girl

Based on the facts presented although the 10yo was wrong it's not akin to a random child pulling your kids trousers down to have a look

Your son said he was a girl, this other child thought he was lying, knows the way to tell if someone is a boy or a girl is based on what's between the legs and therefore went to prove one way or another

So you think it’s ok for someone to pull down someone else’s trousers (a 10 year old boy pulling down a 4 year old boy’s trousers, to be specific) to check if they are a boy or a girl, if they think they are lying?!

OP posts:
JudgeJ · 05/08/2022 15:58

blebbleb · 05/08/2022 14:43

Those who aren't saying it's sexual assault are very wrong. A 10 year old knows exactly what they are doing.

Had a 10 year old boy done this to a 4 year old girl the reractions on MN would be quite different! I would say that a 10 year old girl is probably more aware of the inappropriatness of the behaviour than a 10 year old boy.

Alfenstein · 05/08/2022 15:59

@dontwanttooverreact

In the comment you quoted I said it was wrong

What's wrong with you Confused

Original poster
dontwanttooverreact · 05/08/2022 16:00

wellhelloitsme · 05/08/2022 15:57

OP immediately posted after the first post with this: "Sorry my thread title is incorrect she didn’t manage she just tried"

She's been very clear.

Show quote history

Thank you! I don’t know why people are getting shitty with me about this. I’ve been very clear - this isn’t some sort of weird troll (as the MN thread on another site seems to think), I’m a long term poster who has NC and MNHQ can back me up on that.

the boy tried to pull them down and my son got away.

i realise my son incorrectly identified the boy as a girl, but so did his school friend.

OP posts:
VickyEadieofThigh · 05/08/2022 16:01

dontwanttooverreact · 05/08/2022 14:25

Would it be reasonable to ask for her parent’s contact details?

No it wouldn't - although what she did was totally wrong, it would contravene both safeguarding and data protection to give another parent her details.

Original poster
dontwanttooverreact · 05/08/2022 16:02

Cordeliathecat · 05/08/2022 15:56

Absolutely unacceptable as your boy is so young and the child is much older. You and your son deserve an apology. I’m just trying to reassure you that it’s unlikely to be sexual as many posters are suggesting and more likely a 10 year old’s error of judgement with her/his joke.

Show quote history

I agree I don’t think it’s sexual in nature, given the explanation given. I would still wonder at a 10 year old thinking doing this to disprove a theory is acceptable, given the ages.

OP posts:
Vikinga · 05/08/2022 16:03

Ah well that's different. He may have pretended to try and pull his pants down because he was lying. Nothing to see her folks.

Original poster
dontwanttooverreact · 05/08/2022 16:04

@Vikinga

he didn’t pretend to try, he tried.

OP posts:
Italianmamami · 05/08/2022 16:05

That’s absolutely shocking behaviour. At 10 she knows this is no way to act and is completely inappropriate I would be speaking to the staff and suggesting a word with her parents to them or have a word yourself. I would be mortified if my 10 year old did something like this. Bless your poor little boy.

Butitsnotfunnyisititsserious · 05/08/2022 16:08

Vikinga · 05/08/2022 16:03

Ah well that's different. He may have pretended to try and pull his pants down because he was lying. Nothing to see her folks.

He tried and that's still not acceptable. A 10 year old knows not to pull down the trousers of anyone, or at the very least their parents should be telling them that.

Original poster
dontwanttooverreact · 05/08/2022 16:08

Given the updated info do I just let it go as I’ve spoken to the boy’s mother? Or do I try to follow up with a safeguarding person at the club (if such a person exists?)

I feel awkward as it’s essentially her word against my son (and his friend; but I can’t exactly drag them into this)

OP posts:
Sweatinglikeabitch · 05/08/2022 16:10

A 10 year old should absolutely know you don't try to pull others pants down! It doesn't matter if he was trying to prove your son wasn't a girl! How ridiculous anyone thinks that changes anything.

I think the fact it was the supervisors child makes a huge difference and I think I'd report the incident. She is 100% responsible for what happened to your child.

Cordeliathecat · 05/08/2022 16:10

dontwanttooverreact · 05/08/2022 16:02

I agree I don’t think it’s sexual in nature, given the explanation given. I would still wonder at a 10 year old thinking doing this to disprove a theory is acceptable, given the ages.

Show quote history

I wonder if the reason your son and his friend said the 10 year old is a girl is because he said he was a girl in the game they were playing. Your son said he was a girl too remember. Except the 4 year olds believed him because he has long hair. And then the joking and messing around probably went to far. But I can totally see 10 year old messing around and joking that he’s going to pull down his shorts to check but not really meaning it. And then 4 year olds taking what he’s saying at face value and getting upset.

I would speak to the supervisor/mum and the 10 year old actually to try to get to the bottom of it but not get too worked up. The 10 year old is just a kid too.

SofiaSoFar · 05/08/2022 16:11

Badgirlriri · 05/08/2022 15:15

typical mumsnet…. “Sexual assault!” “Call the police!”

She’s allegedly 10. She needs speaking to and being told it is not appropriate to do that.

I'll tell you what is typical MN: people minimising this because the victim is a boy.

If the thread was about a 10yo boy trying to pull down a 4yo girl's shorts and pants "to see whether they're a boy or a girl" I really don't think you'd be so dismissive.

Appalling that this is being played down so much by some people.

LilacPoppy · 05/08/2022 16:13

When you say shorts did you mean to type underpants? The young girl was inappropriate but calling it sexual assault is ridiculous.

Andypandy811 · 05/08/2022 16:14

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

Alfenstein · 05/08/2022 16:16

@SofiaSoFar sexes reversed it would still not be a sexual assault

Original poster
dontwanttooverreact · 05/08/2022 16:16

LilacPoppy · 05/08/2022 16:13

When you say shorts did you mean to type underpants? The young girl was inappropriate but calling it sexual assault is ridiculous.

Shorts and pants. Given the context to prove his sex/see his genitals it’s quite clear what I mean.

OP posts:
AllThingsServeTheBeam · 05/08/2022 16:16

Alfenstein · 05/08/2022 15:28

@wellhelloitsme pantsing is a known 'practical joke'

It's not right nor appropriate but this is a far cry from sexual assault

Exactly right! My 10 yo DS pull the trousers of a younger girl down and everyone kicked off..

Just a practical joke ... God. I told him not to worry about it . ..

MsTSwift · 05/08/2022 16:19

Personally think it’s irrelevant the sex of the older child it’s very wrong not normal and I would be following it up.

RoseslnTheHospital · 05/08/2022 16:26

AllThingsServeTheBeam · 05/08/2022 16:16

Exactly right! My 10 yo DS pull the trousers of a younger girl down and everyone kicked off..

Just a practical joke ... God. I told him not to worry about it . ..

Show quote history

What's with all this "it's just a practical joke, it's fiiiiine" business? No 10 year old should be pulling down anyone else's trousers for a shitty practical "joke", or for more worrying reasons.

And what's funny about this kind of "joke"? It's an attempt to humiliate, a pretty nasty bit of behaviour to minimise and excuse.

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