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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Adult son wants to move back mon - fri to ‘get a night’s sleep’

762 replies

HippPippy · 05/08/2022 13:58

DS 27 and his gf recently had a baby. As you’d expect they are being woken up during the night. DS has asked if he can move back in mon - fri so he can get a proper night’s sleep so he can concentrate on going to work and do his job effectively.

DH thinks the idea is outrageous and he should just ‘get on with it’ , I feel a bit confused as to why he is even asking. Surely other new parents don’t do this? I get sleep deprivation is hard, but I am not overly enamoured with this idea. But I don’t want to be unsupportive either - how would you respond?

OP posts:
Italiangreyhound · 05/08/2022 14:31

Unless your son is an air traffic controller, a pilot or someone who drives for a living, then no he cannot!

SweatyChamoisPad · 05/08/2022 14:32

He needs to parent his child. If you want to help him then help them - batch cook, offer to do some ironing once in a while, change their bed, or take the baby one sunday afternoon so they can sleep. Don't let him move home.

PeekAtYou · 05/08/2022 14:34

He is a cf
If he did this, he'd be on the fast track to breaking up. It's tough right now but he can't do this - he's a parent ffs.
As a parent I might look after the baby for the odd night when they are older and the parents want to sleep but this stage is part of the parenting experience.
Does he work Mon-Fri? In which case Sunday-Thursday is when he needs a good night's sleep. If his partner isn't breastfeeding then I'd be suggesting that he takes over on Friday or Saturday night so she can try and sleep (and sleep in the next morning )

Tablechairtable · 05/08/2022 14:34

How do other people in his profession manage in the same situation then? Seems selfish to me. He needs to sleep in his own spare room if he has one not go running home to mummy. Ridiculous.

Fluffyboo · 05/08/2022 14:35

I'd tell him to grow up and be a father, not just opt out of the bits he doesn't like. I would also tell him how disappointed I am in him for coming up with such an utterly selfish suggestion when they have a baby at home

HollowTalk · 05/08/2022 14:36

I can see that the occasional night might benefit both of them - she may well find it easier to have the bed to herself and not be disturbed eg if he gets up early. Not Monday to Friday, though - that's crazy. And he should still do what's needed in the evenings.

Does his partner have any family to help her if she's struggling?

DelisButAlsoCrime · 05/08/2022 14:37

Not at the newborn stage, but from when DS was 18 months upwards and still a bit of a pain at night (not bad at all, but up at six when DH and I always did love our lie ins), we agreed to occasionally give each other “nights off” (probably once a month each) where he would either go to his mother’s with DS, or without. Very much a reciprocal thing though and not a regular arrangement.

user850301848172 · 05/08/2022 14:38

@HippPippy

Are you not embarrassed that he's willing to leave his partner and child 5 days a week so he can get some sleep. What about his partner? When does she get to decompress and have some time to herself.

Sounds like his partner has realised that raising the baby alone is easier than having a baby and a man child at home.

MrsRhodes · 05/08/2022 14:38

HippPippy · 05/08/2022 14:06

Yes it is critical he is alert and can concentrate- other peoples safety is at stake

Show quote history

I was wondering what job he did. I didn't vote as this would influence my opinion. In this case I don't think it is an unreasonable decision if all parties are in agreement. Surely it is better he goes home spends a couple of hours giving gf a break and then he goes somewhere he can get a decent nights sleep.

carefullycourageous · 05/08/2022 14:38

Given the requirements of his job, I would discuss it further - but only if discussing it with both of them as I would want to know he was not abandining his post.

I would not agree for him to be there every Mon-Fri but perhaps offer for him to come and stay when he needs to catch up. Because he could be wearing earplugs etc at home and ignore the baby, unless the baby is ballistic - but when I had young babies they were awake but not crying - so one person could sleep if they weren't on 'duty'.

How old is the baby (sorry if I missed that!)

sunsetsandsandybeaches · 05/08/2022 14:40

I'd be telling him to get a bloody grip.

WhereYouLeftIt · 05/08/2022 14:41

"His gf said she doesn’t mind [him sleeping at mummy and daddy's] (according to him)"

"Yeah I agree - he should be sharing the work load, but his argument is when he gets back from work he does ‘everything’ for the baby- feeding, bathing, cleaning all the bottles, laundry, cooking etc. it’s difficult because he’s really struggling and does seem to be doing more than his fair share when he can"

You do realise that both these claims he makes are 'according to him'. You've got no way of knowing his girlfriend doesn't mind. You've got no way of knowing he does everything /more than his fair share. All of those details were supplied by him.

If he is indeed doing 'more than his fair share', I'd be asking him why? Is his girlfriend struggling? Because if she is, SHE needs help, not her partner fucking off and leaving her to get on with it.

So - how would I respond? By reading my son the effin' Riot Act and telling him I was unaware I had raised a selfish self-centred prick who bails out of his responsibilities. And by contacting his girlfriend directly and asking her how she was, how she was coping, and if there was anything I could do (cleaning, cooking, taking baby out so she could get a shower / nap / appointment with HV for PND). I'd offer practical help to reduce the pressure on them both, and I absolutely would not allow my son to move in Mon-Fri and abandon his baby and the mother of his baby. It's really not rocket science, OP.

carefullycourageous · 05/08/2022 14:42

I think the job is very important here.

smileandsing · 05/08/2022 14:42

PeekAtYou's suggestion is the answer, along with separate rooms if possible, and ear plugs. You can support by babysitting when your grandchild is older.
The first few weeks and months are hard on all parents. New dads either get on with it, regardless of their work demands, or decide it's not for them and wind up single seeing their children every second weekend. He needs to step up, but I doubt he will.

ChiefWiggumsBoy · 05/08/2022 14:45

I would be saying absolutely no way and be having some very strong words with him.

I cannot fathom any other response. Are you not embarrassed that a son you raised even considered asking?! I suspect your husband is giving you the side eye wondering just how far you’ll go to coddle your son.

Goldbar · 05/08/2022 14:45

If he moves in with you Mon-Fri, you may end up having to house him full-time when his girlfriend realises that actually he's useless and she can parent just as well on her own without a man child in the house. There's no guarantee she will let him come back.

They need to have a sensible conversation. I'm a bit sceptical of the "he needs to sleep so he can do his job safely" argument because you generally find that many women doing these sorts of jobs also have caring responsibilities and suffer from interrupted sleep and yet they cope. However, assuming he has a point, it might be reasonable for girlfriend to do most of the weeknight feeds on the basis that he takes over from her when back from work and does the evening stuff while she sleeps. What is not reasonable is for her to do all evenings and all overnight wakings... they need to take turns and do shifts.

Lifeisonhold · 05/08/2022 14:47

I’m so sad for his gf! :( what a selfish pleb.

smileandsing · 05/08/2022 14:47

carefullycourageous I don't agree. Many many people in safety critical jobs manage this issue without moving back to their parents house and becoming part time dads

Sartre · 05/08/2022 14:47

Your DH is right and I feel very sorry for your DIL, your DS is being a selfish prick.

converseandjeans · 05/08/2022 14:49

I think maybe he could do a night midweek. But Monday to Friday is ridiculous.

Going against the general opinion here but I found being on maternity with a baby much easier than working full time as a teacher. If his job genuinely means others are at risk if he's overtired then maybe something needs to change. His GF can sleep when baby does - I used to do house chores when mine were awake but go back to bed at lunch when mine were napping. It is possible to keep up with housework and shopping with one baby. Maybe she's not keeping up and he has to do loads when he gets in.

Could you support in a different way? My parents used to have my niece & nephew most Saturday afternoons & then all day Sunday so my brother and his wife had time off. I never got that but think that you could maybe consider it to support him if you're able to? I know some grandparents have baby for sleepover a night a week. Can they afford a day with childminder?

Also maybe they need to work on getting baby into a routine so it sleeps & isn't keeping him awake. Again I realise that's an unpopular view on MN but I don't think it's sustainable to go for months sleep deprived.

PurpleFlower1983 · 05/08/2022 14:49

Jesus Christ tell him no! He can sleep in the spare room or on the sofa if he needs uninterrupted sleep but he needs to be on hand when he’s needed! What a selfish man!

KettrickenSmiled · 05/08/2022 14:49

But I don’t want to be unsupportive either - how would you respond?

"Son, I don't want to be unsupportive - of your post-partum wife - so stay the fuck at home & act like a parent you unutterably precious little twat."

That should fix it OP.
You might also want to check in with your DiL why he is being such an arse, & how much support he is actually giving her.

Goldfishjones · 05/08/2022 14:50

Well his suggestion is ridiculous but you can point that out and still be supportive. They could take it in turns for the odd night of uninterrupted sleep (if the gf is not bf) but you could also do some cleaning for them, take round some meals, do a supermarket shop, nip over during the week and hold the baby or walk it round the block whilst gf has a hot cup of tea/ takes a shower/loads the dishwasher etc. All those things are so helpful and make you feel less alone and more rested as a new parent.

If your son has the odd night at yours it needs to be on the basis that he gives his girlfriend equal respite in whatever way she needs, it's hard to believe he is the kind of person who would recognise this and actually carry it out tho. Probably worth a chat with his girlfriend to find out what's really going on.

LIZS · 05/08/2022 14:50

Yes it is critical he is alert and can concentrate- other peoples safety is at stake

At what point would he feel ready to return home though, many children do not allow their parents a proper night sleep for months or even years. Meanwhile she is left to struggle. If he has used his paternity leave already maybe he needs to plan in some days' leave to catch up on rest or as others suggest use ear plugs, sleep in another room, sleep in shifts and take turns for lie ins on days off etc. How recent is the baby?

Whammyyammy · 05/08/2022 14:52

Your son is a selfish, self centred dick. I feel sorry for his gf and child. What's he going to do when the child is teething, or unwell? Run home to mummy's every time?

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