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Original poster

Adult son wants to move back mon - fri to ‘get a night’s sleep’

762 replies

HippPippy · 05/08/2022 13:58

DS 27 and his gf recently had a baby. As you’d expect they are being woken up during the night. DS has asked if he can move back in mon - fri so he can get a proper night’s sleep so he can concentrate on going to work and do his job effectively.

DH thinks the idea is outrageous and he should just ‘get on with it’ , I feel a bit confused as to why he is even asking. Surely other new parents don’t do this? I get sleep deprivation is hard, but I am not overly enamoured with this idea. But I don’t want to be unsupportive either - how would you respond?

OP posts:
jammiewhammie65 · 05/08/2022 14:04

Tell him to man up. Yes it's hard but what good will abandoning his partner and baby do ?

Original poster
HippPippy · 05/08/2022 14:04

His gf said she doesn’t mind (according to him)

OP posts:
OopsAnotherOne · 05/08/2022 14:05

@HippPippy But that's part of being a parent? He has to take over parenting when he gets home, because his girlfriend has been parenting for the entire day, plus through the night (as it appears she does 100% of the night feeds). If your son can't take over with baby when he gets home from work, when is his girlfriend supposed to get any rest whatsoever?

SpaceyCake · 05/08/2022 14:05

My best friend's partner did this when they had a baby (both in their early 30s) and I thought it was ridiculous. My friend hated it as she said she felt like a single parent raising the child alone, but he was always of the opinion that his sleep comes first. For some reason my friend had another baby with him and he's still at his parents most nights. My friend is struggling and the kids only see their dad at weekends, even though they're still a couple. It's such a weird arrangement! If it were my son I would maybe say yes to the odd night here and there if the baby was a poor sleeper, but yeah I think they should just get on with it.

awwbiscuits · 05/08/2022 14:05

I'd probably have laughed in his face thinking he was joking. What the hell!

Heroicallyl0st · 05/08/2022 14:06

Not sure why you’re even questioning what your response should be, OP. Do you expect that little from the men in your life? Have you trained your son to treat women so badly?

Unless he’s doing some really intense job like operating on people or he’s prime minister or something?? In which case he should buy a 2nd home and hire a nanny!

WeAllHaveWings · 05/08/2022 14:06

Jeez, think you need to have a word to see where his head is at. How can any grown adult (this includes you!) think even asking this is acceptable?

Gazelda · 05/08/2022 14:06

Could you check in with GF to see how she's doing? How old is the baby?
How long does he anticipate this arrangement lasting - until the baby sleeps through?

Original poster
HippPippy · 05/08/2022 14:06

RenegadeMrs · 05/08/2022 14:02

What is his job? Doctor? Train driver? Something that is critical he is awake and aware?

Yes it is critical he is alert and can concentrate- other peoples safety is at stake

OP posts:
gamerchick · 05/08/2022 14:06

I would be asking myself, why this bloke had been raised to be so selfish. He needs both barrels and told to grow the fuck up tbh.

She has the baby all day, yes he needs to take over when he gets in. That's the sort of shit you do when you have babies.

StillHappy · 05/08/2022 14:07

HippPippy · 05/08/2022 14:04

Yeah I agree - he should be sharing the work load, but his argument is when he gets back from work he does ‘everything’ for the baby- feeding, bathing, cleaning all the bottles, laundry, cooking etc. it’s difficult because he’s really struggling and does seem to be doing more than his fair share when he can

I think then that they need to have a proper conversation about properly sharing the work load. It seems like he’s doing more than his share, but moving out isn’t really the answer.

OopsAnotherOne · 05/08/2022 14:08

Also just to point out OP - if you had a daughter whose partner went back to live with his parents when he decided the whole "father" think was too much effort, leaving her to cope alone for 5 solid days, how would you view him?
Where I'm going with this is that if he makes this decision, chances are he will be jepordising the relationship not only with his girlfriend (who, if she has any sense, will end the relationship), but also with his potential PILs who will see your son as shirking responsibility to play disney dad at the weekend.

RoseslnTheHospital · 05/08/2022 14:08

If she is doing all night feeds and looking after the baby during the day, then when would she getting any decent chunk of rest if he doesn't take over in the evenings when he gets home? Does he think she should be cleaning, doing the laundry etc in the day when she has a tiny baby to look after as well, and is sleep deprived from night feeds?

His girlfriend may well say she doesn't mind, but you can surely see that he is going to severely damage his relationship with his child as well as his girlfriend if he checks out of any involvement Monday to Fridays!

yonce · 05/08/2022 14:08

HippPippy · 05/08/2022 14:04

Yeah I agree - he should be sharing the work load, but his argument is when he gets back from work he does ‘everything’ for the baby- feeding, bathing, cleaning all the bottles, laundry, cooking etc. it’s difficult because he’s really struggling and does seem to be doing more than his fair share when he can

Oh get over yourself - he's a dad. He's not doing more than his fair share by looking after HIS OWN CHILD when he gets home from work. His partner has been looking after the baby all day, damn right he should be doing things in the evening.

Antsinmypantsneedtodance · 05/08/2022 14:08

Going to buck the trend here and say, what does the girlfriend think? Has she suggested it? Do they have a spare room? Are they close by if he needed to get back?

I was breastfeeding and didnt see the point of 2 adults being sleep deprived. Especially when one of those adults had to work. Its just stupidity. My DH slept in the spare room when he went back to work and i did all night feeds etc. At weekends he came back and slept with us. He'd usually take over after a 6/7am morning feed and i got a few hours extra sleep. It worked well for us and was my chocie.

Before criticising him perhaps check out the situation. If the girlfriend is okay with it and he can get home if needed easily and intends to go back early morning then i cant see the issue.

StillHappy · 05/08/2022 14:08

gamerchick · 05/08/2022 14:06

I would be asking myself, why this bloke had been raised to be so selfish. He needs both barrels and told to grow the fuck up tbh.

She has the baby all day, yes he needs to take over when he gets in. That's the sort of shit you do when you have babies.

Hang on, how does that work? He’s supposed to work all day, and then take on all the childcare, cooking, laundry etc in the evenings too?

Cas112 · 05/08/2022 14:08

Your son needs to grow up

LIZS · 05/08/2022 14:09

So would he still go round to help with the baby before bedtime or just leave her to it? Have you spoken to her to see what is really going on? Maybe she needs more support rathe than less.

Poyi · 05/08/2022 14:09

Loads of parents have those type of jobs and they don't basically move back into their parents to get away from parenting. This is his problem to man up and solve without running to his mum.

35965a · 05/08/2022 14:09

I would not be facilitating this for my son. If he is ‘doing everything’ when he gets home then he sorts it out with his partner. He doesn’t get to run off to Mummy.

karmakameleon · 05/08/2022 14:09

HippPippy · 05/08/2022 14:04

Yeah I agree - he should be sharing the work load, but his argument is when he gets back from work he does ‘everything’ for the baby- feeding, bathing, cleaning all the bottles, laundry, cooking etc. it’s difficult because he’s really struggling and does seem to be doing more than his fair share when he can

I guess he takes over baby while she frantically tries to cook dinner and catch up on everything she didn’t manage to do during the day.

If she really doesn’t care that he buggers off for five nights a week it’s probably because he’s useless at home so she’s better off with one less person to look after.

LightandMomentary · 05/08/2022 14:09

My response would be diddums.

rickandmorts · 05/08/2022 14:10

So do you think he shouldn't do any parenting Monday-Friday because he works @StillHappy? How is he meant to bond with the baby? When does his partner get a break?

Pinkflipflop85 · 05/08/2022 14:10

If I were you I would be feeling really embarrassed that I'd raised such a pathetic 'man'.

NerrSnerr · 05/08/2022 14:10

What's his actual job? Has he spoke to colleagues about how they manage or have managed in the past?

Does his partner actually agree or is he just saying that?