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AIBU?

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Original poster

Adult son wants to move back mon - fri to ‘get a night’s sleep’

762 replies

HippPippy · 05/08/2022 13:58

DS 27 and his gf recently had a baby. As you’d expect they are being woken up during the night. DS has asked if he can move back in mon - fri so he can get a proper night’s sleep so he can concentrate on going to work and do his job effectively.

DH thinks the idea is outrageous and he should just ‘get on with it’ , I feel a bit confused as to why he is even asking. Surely other new parents don’t do this? I get sleep deprivation is hard, but I am not overly enamoured with this idea. But I don’t want to be unsupportive either - how would you respond?

OP posts:
PeterPomegranate · 05/08/2022 14:10

I don’t understand the voting options but I agree with your DH. If my husband had buggered off Monday to Friday nights when our babies were small I’d have been devastated and probably unable to cope.

It’s a rough stage but he’s a dad now and unless there’s some massive backstory he needs to grow up and get through it.

loveireland · 05/08/2022 14:10

I would say that yes in theory he's welcome to come and have a good sleep. This would all depend on her being happy about it and also getting a night off now and then too. If she's in support of it then why not.

Haffdonga · 05/08/2022 14:11

Suggest his gf takes a turn staying with you for the night to get some sleep too. They could take turns to stay once a week or so. She could pump and let him do a full night every now and then.

Bernadinetta · 05/08/2022 14:11

HippPippy · 05/08/2022 14:04

His gf said she doesn’t mind (according to him)

Sounds like the beginning of the end of their relationship

RoseslnTheHospital · 05/08/2022 14:11

Hang on, so it's vital for safety that he is alert and well rested. So what was his plan for when the baby came? Was it always just to totally check out of parenting? Or did he not consider sleeping in a different room and ear plugs?? What did he think the early days with a newborn would be like?

How was the birth - has his girlfriend got any birth injuries/issues, c-section recovery or similar?

Sweatinglikeabitch · 05/08/2022 14:11

Now way! Tell him he's a cheeky little brat and needs to be a bloody parent.

If his gf doesn't mind being a single mum 5 out of 7 nights then that says alot doesn't it. And definitely NOT that he's doing more than his fair share.

What happens if she also wants to get a full night's sleep 5 nights a week? Just leave the baby at home and they both go home to their own mummies? Or is part time parenting only an option for your precious little boy?

Honestly it's pathetic he even asked.

DisforDarkChocolate · 05/08/2022 14:12

I'm honestly baffled you think he's doing more than his share. What do you both think his girlfriend is doing all day when she's alone with the baby? I'll give you a clue, it's not resting.

queenatom · 05/08/2022 14:13

I could see one night if he had a job interview or some career-changing meeting the next day, but every weeknight for - what, the foreseeable future? He needs to have a discussion with his girlfriend about the division of labour, plans for nights etc - I EBF so do all of the night wakings for our son (8 months old) but I'd be infuriated if my husband's plan was to clear out and do no parenting Monday - Friday. When does it end?

entropynow · 05/08/2022 14:13

Well, it didn't take long for people to start telling you it is all your fault...
Because everyone is a carbon copy of their parents' attitudes and habits. Or, y'know, not.

Brigante9 · 05/08/2022 14:14

Just no. Is he unhinged? Maybe he can sleep in a different room so he can sleep through and he does weekends, maybe?

yougotthelook · 05/08/2022 14:14

DisforDarkChocolate · 05/08/2022 14:12

I'm honestly baffled you think he's doing more than his share. What do you both think his girlfriend is doing all day when she's alone with the baby? I'll give you a clue, it's not resting.

If you want his gf to end up despising you and eventually cut you off from seeing baby when they (inevitably) split up then go ahead.
Talk to gf...if she's so on board your son won't mind!

Whatiswrongwithmyknee · 05/08/2022 14:14

His GF is parenting single-handedly when he is at work and recovering from birth. It's not possible for him to be doing more than his fair share.

Perhaps invite both of them round to talk about how you can best help.

UtterlyUnimaginativeUsername · 05/08/2022 14:15

My DH commuted two hours each way when our babies were newborns. If he had decamped to his parents' five nights a week to get uninterrupted sleep, I'd have divorced him. Or worse.

If I were you, I'd offer one night a week, because even that can make a huge difference to how you feel. But I'd offer his GF more support as well; go over and watch the baby during the day so she can sleep, or make her dinner, or do the laundry.

Jackiebrambles · 05/08/2022 14:15

He's an adult and a father. No way is this suitable. He needs to stay with his family and work out a way of getting the rest he needs without checking out of family life Mon-Friday.

crosbystillsandmash · 05/08/2022 14:15

I'd be so unbelievably ashamed if my son asked me this.

I honestly can't believe why you're not as outraged as your dh!!

SarahSissions · 05/08/2022 14:15

So it isn’t a case of him just wanting to come back at 9pm and be able to sleep through, he wants to avoid all of the evening parenting too.
best will in the world, if he is working full time he won’t be doing more than 4 hours at most worth of cleaning, cooking, laundry before he goes to bed. If he wants to be a weekend dad then fine, but I think his GF would probably then be inclined to make that a more permanent arrangement

Bluebellsand · 05/08/2022 14:15

If you can afford it, I would offer to pay for a cleaner of their choice (within a certain budget) to come once a week for a month. They can fund it for longer if they wish to keep the service.

Or give him leaflets/ links to cleaners and/or some cooking websites. For quick, healthy and easy meals.

SpotlessMind88 · 05/08/2022 14:15

I agree with your DH. Your DS needs to grow up and get on with it instead of running back to mummy and daddy when things get tough.
This is what happens when you have a baby, he shouldn't of had one if he wanted to get a good nights sleep 5 days a week. I feel sorry for your son's gf. She deserves better

karmakameleon · 05/08/2022 14:16

yougotthelook · 05/08/2022 14:14

If you want his gf to end up despising you and eventually cut you off from seeing baby when they (inevitably) split up then go ahead.
Talk to gf...if she's so on board your son won't mind!

Show quote history

Yes, I do think that you need to consider what she’d think of you if you decide to offer him any support. She’s going to feel that he opted out of parenting and his mother facilitated it. You’ll be that MIL that everyone moans about on mumsnet.

TheBatwoman · 05/08/2022 14:17

This reply has been withdrawn

Withdrawn at poster's request

Passanotherjaffacake · 05/08/2022 14:17

Agree with @yonce - can’t believe anyone would swallow that nonsense. It sounds as if the girlfriend has the baby all night and then the majority of the day until your son is home in the evening. He then does some hours between getting home and going to bed. Of course he should be doing that - that is normal. The poor GF is doing like 85-90% of the hours of the day - she must be exhausted, especially if baby is not sleeping well at night.

i think it bodes really badly that she would rather he be with you then at home with her. Maybe she already thinks of herself as a single parent and dealing with your son being tired on top of that is too much? I know my husband is a nightmare with the race to be the ‘most tired’/put upon. He has learned not to play this game over the last few years.

minipie · 05/08/2022 14:17

I think it would be nice if you offered to host BOTH of them - one night a week each. So eg GF stays at yours Sat night and DS stays Tues night. That way they each get a chance to catch up on sleep.

Doesn’t work if GF is breastfeeding of course. In which case I think DS could have one night at yours but in return he has the baby all of Saturday morning and Gf sleeps in just waking for feeds.

Your DS’s plan is not ok.

bloodyunicorns · 05/08/2022 14:18

He needs to talk to his gf about sharing the load when he is home.

Does she have PND? Do you/does he have any concerns about her well-being?

hewouldwouldnthe · 05/08/2022 14:18

what does she say? If he wants sunday to thursday night, then she should have friday and saturday night. so they both get some rest.

I actually think its a good idea if the baby is a terrible sleeper. Both would function better. I'm assuming the mother isnt working at the moment?

Cant see the point of both parents suffering sleep deprivation 7 nights a week. Mum can usually grab an hour or so in the day when baby naps. not possible at work.

NerrSnerr · 05/08/2022 14:18

Bluebellsand · 05/08/2022 14:15

If you can afford it, I would offer to pay for a cleaner of their choice (within a certain budget) to come once a week for a month. They can fund it for longer if they wish to keep the service.

Or give him leaflets/ links to cleaners and/or some cooking websites. For quick, healthy and easy meals.

He shouldn't need mummy and daddy to sort out links for recipes etc. If he can hold down his important job he can figure out how to cook quick meals

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