Adult son wants to move back mon - fri to ‘get a night’s sleep’

[HippPippy]

DS 27 and his gf recently had a baby. As you’d expect they are being woken up during the night. DS has asked if he can move back in mon - fri so he can get a proper night’s sleep so he can concentrate on going to work and do his job effectively.

DH thinks the idea is outrageous and he should just ‘get on with it’ , I feel a bit confused as to why he is even asking. Surely other new parents don’t do this? I get sleep deprivation is hard, but I am not overly enamoured with this idea. But I don’t want to be unsupportive either - how would you respond?

[Moonandstars2118]

Looking after a baby is a “safety critical job” though!!
It requires the parent to be rested enough to stay awake especially if the baby will only contact nap…

[Mummyoflittledragon]

If you and your dh have the time and energy, I’d think it would be more productive to help them out or help them get in into a routine with the baby than to facilitate this request.

[Ponderingwindow]

I would tell him that if he has a job where people’s lives are on the line, he should get some earplugs or some noise canceling headphones. However, the mother of his child needs to be able to tag him in if she needs him, which means he must be present in the home.

[WhimsicalGubbins]

I’d respond by verbally supporting his poor partner! I’m outraged on her behalf that he thinks his sleep is more important than supporting a new mother. When exactly does she get to have a full night sleep? Given that she’s got to be coherent enough to safely look after a newborn all day?
Id tell him in no uncertain terms to grow the F* up. If he’s not mature enough to be a supportive dad then he should have thought about that before making a a baby.

[NerdyBird]

Are you sure she isn't kicking him out? But anyway, even if GF is fully happy I'd say no. He can go to a hotel.

If you think GF isn't really ok with it then offer help to both but not in the form of your son just opting out for most of the time.

[Wheresthebeach]

I think that's an appalling suggestion. To absent himself for the week?? He's trying to duck out of the relationship and fatherhood IMO.

[AquaticSewingMachine]

@carefullycourageous

I think the job is very important here.

Actual brain surgeons do shifts and on-calls and operate on broken sleep alllllllll the time.

[RoseslnTheHospital]

@converseandjeans "sleep when the baby sleeps" is fine if you have a baby that will be put down and left, and sleeps for a decent chunk of time! I would have burst into tears if someone had suggested that with either of mine, who would never be put down in the day. I remember watching one of my NCT friends just put her asleep baby down on a sheepskin in the middle of the room and leave him for a nap at a few weeks old. I was amazed as mine would only nap when mobile in the pram or being held.

[Denny53]

One thing we did for our son and DIL when they had their 4 th baby and were very sleep deprived, was we booked mum and dad into a local pub for the weekend
We had the 4 children overnight, mum and dad were able to have some lovely together time, some decent food - without the preparation and washing up and more importantly could stay in bed all day if they wanted. They said it was the best baby present ever. Maybe you could do something like that OP?

[GorgeousLadyofWrestling]

OP do you not remember how hard those early weeks and months are? Just wondering if you’ve forgotten as your concern mainly seems to be for your son when it’s his partner that, in reality, likely needs the support.

My husband worked most days and evenings when our children were babies and I was on my own a lot with them. I also did all the night feeds and DH slept downstairs for a good few years. For all intents and purposes…not there…but I would have been devastated if he had physically moved out for a portion of the week. Where’s the solidarity, the love and care, the companionship, the emotional support just by being there. It’s awful that he would contemplate such a thing.

[Eeksteek]

I would explore the terms a bit. If he’s expecting to turn up at 10.30pm, crash out go to work, go home to his family, give mum a proper break until 10.30pm, and literally just sleep at yours, maybe. But she also gets some protected sleep time. Equal if she’s working, but still some if even if she isn’t. GF would still be
parenting alone 20 hours a day. Pretty sucky. He doesn’t work 20 hours a day, even on call.

If he’s literally expecting to live with you Mon-Fri and only parent at all at weekends, while having lots of lovely adult free time weekdays, no fucking way. That’s not how this works, kiddo.

[toomuchlaundry]

If he says he does more than his fair share when he gets home from work, I'm not sure how his GF will be happy for him to not be there during the week. That doesn't seem to add up

[TailSpinner]

Is their home really tiny? I think if he genuinely has a job where not sleeping enough may have a dangerous impact, then he should sleep on the sofa or get a blow up mattress to put in another room, along with some earplugs. Sleeping in a different house 5 days a week just takes the piss.

[TastesLikeStrawberries]

Sounds like your DS needs to grow up. Absolutely ridiculous suggestion.

[GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing]

I’d also be sitting my son down for a very firm talking to.

He needs to step up for his wife and child. Including helping her to get a night’s sleep but taking some of the night wakings when he can - even if she’s bf he can do some of the settling, as it was the winding that made it a nightmare with my two. Have been drumming this into my son practically from birth 😂

If for some reason he can’t do much of this - say he’s a surgeon or drives/ operates heavy machinery etc - he still needs to be there. There’s lots he can do in the evenings/ mornings, plus his presence will just make her feel less stressed and alone - assuming he remembers his role is to support her and to be calm and there for her.

[Fairyliz]

Another poor young woman finding out she has had a baby with a moaning man child.
I hope you laughed hilariously at your sons joke.

[MintJulia]

Say no of course. He doesn't get to duck out of parenthood at the first bit of discomfort. Tell him to stop being such a lightweight, and go and support his poor girlfriend.

[Marvellousmadness]

How pathetic
And why didn't you just say no straight away?
Its laughable and embarrassing really
Can't the man buy himself some earplugs
Sad...
Poor girlfriend my God.

[OopsAnotherOne]

@toomuchlaundry

If he says he does more than his fair share when he gets home from work, I'm not sure how his GF will be happy for him to not be there during the week. That doesn't seem to add up

My thoughts exactly - if she's apparently making him do everything, why is she also apparently fine with him leaving for the majority of the week, leaving her even more to do?

Me thinks he's in the percentage of blokes who feel that the baby rearing, child care, cleaning etc is a woman's job and now he's being asked to help, it's all got a bit much for the poor dear.

If something doesn't make sense OP, it's because it isn't true - what your son has told you contradicts itself.

[TibetanTerrah]

@HippPippy

Yeah I agree - he should be sharing the work load, but his argument is when he gets back from work he does ‘everything’ for the baby- feeding, bathing, cleaning all the bottles, laundry, cooking etc. it’s difficult because he’s really struggling and does seem to be doing more than his fair share when he can

I think I'd be taking his account of how much he does with a pinch of salt tbh.

Asking to stay the odd night to catch up on sleep is one thing. Maybe with the gf getting a break too on a different night. But leaving her to do 24hrs 5 days on the trot is just completely selfish.

[GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing]

The odd day, as a one off, with his gf (sorry not wife’s) agreement could be reasonable but not all week, every week.

Plus I agree he needs to be doing this “fair share” he talks about in the evenings and mornings.

[Fixyourself]

Are you actually defending him? What a pathetic little mummies boy you have!

[Wheresmywoolyjumpers]

Your reply - erm, fuck no! Even if he is doing a lot, any discussions about how to manage need to be between him and his girlfriend.

[Testina]

@HippPippy

Yeah I agree - he should be sharing the work load, but his argument is when he gets back from work he does ‘everything’ for the baby- feeding, bathing, cleaning all the bottles, laundry, cooking etc. it’s difficult because he’s really struggling and does seem to be doing more than his fair share when he can

You’re embarrassing yourself now.
No, he really isn’t doing more than his “fair share”.
That attitude on top of you not responding the way your husband did is pretty telling.
Tell mummy’s boy to grow the fuck up.

[knittingaddict]

OP, how can it be that his girlfriend "makes" him do all that household stuff when he gets home from a day at work, yet on the other hand she won't mind if he scarpers 5 days a week? Doesn't ring true does it? Not sure about this thread.