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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Adult son wants to move back mon - fri to ‘get a night’s sleep’

762 replies

HippPippy · 05/08/2022 13:58

DS 27 and his gf recently had a baby. As you’d expect they are being woken up during the night. DS has asked if he can move back in mon - fri so he can get a proper night’s sleep so he can concentrate on going to work and do his job effectively.

DH thinks the idea is outrageous and he should just ‘get on with it’ , I feel a bit confused as to why he is even asking. Surely other new parents don’t do this? I get sleep deprivation is hard, but I am not overly enamoured with this idea. But I don’t want to be unsupportive either - how would you respond?

OP posts:
Lozois99 · 07/08/2022 10:47

That is absolutely terrible. His poor partner. Maybe he is doing a lot when he gets home from work but that’s likely because she’s had a whole day of it. My husband used to do most nights because he knew I was the one who had to be alone with the baby for twelve hours during the day and I couldn’t cope with that if I had been up all night too

you need to give him a proper
bollocking. I can’t actually believe he suggested it. It’s shocking

Flutterbybudget · 07/08/2022 10:52

It sounds to me like you are an awesome mum tbh. Of their relationship is going to work though, they are both going to have to put the effort in. He can’t just abdicate his responsibilities and she needs to be a mum as well. It really sounds as if they both need more professional help than you can offer.
He should probably have a word with HR and try to work out some kind of plan, on a short term basis. And she sounds as if she needs to speak to her GP/ health team, about her mental state. I hope you all get things sorted out and that the baby grows up in a loving environment

Penguinsaregreat · 07/08/2022 10:54

I don’t mean to sound harsh but what on earth were they both thinking?
Im trying to chose my words carefully but it’s 2022, adults have a choice whether to go ahead and become parents or not.
She is 39 not 16.
I feel sorry for you op as the chances of your son staying with this woman and living happily ever after based on your posts are slim.
All you can do is offer support.

WTAFhappened123 · 07/08/2022 11:06

WTAF?! You support his GF and tell him to man up this is his baby too!

Nearlyshitmypantsthere · 07/08/2022 11:37

@HippPippy You sound like a lovely supportive mum, and sometimes we just don't know how to help best. I hope the chat went well yesterday and your DS and his gf opened up about how they are managing, and hopefully a wee care plan has been put in place to help. Enjoy being a gran 💐

onanotherday · 07/08/2022 12:05

I wonder how long this arrangement is for? Until the child is 18?

I think there is more to it...if not then agree he needs a reality check

Nanny0gg · 07/08/2022 12:22

blebbleb · 06/08/2022 13:26

I don't get why people are being so harsh to the op. She's not enabling her son, she said he couldn't stay. She seems to care about them all a great deal and is trying her best. I don't see the problem? Of course she's going to be worried about how her son is coping because she loves him.

Quite. I think you and I are reading a different thread since the OP's updates.

Stripedbag101 · 07/08/2022 13:32

Jimbob777 · 07/08/2022 08:27

If your son is leaving his family home then its possible he's having a bad time in his relationship but doesn't want to directly tell you that. Your responsibility is to your son not daughter in law or even grand child. You are only one person's parent there so think about who you want to support.

That is a bold move though isn’t it?

it sounds like the son is running away from the baby.

OP clearly doesn’t like his partner - and hasn’t spoken with any warmth or affection about her or the baby so maybe she would be happy to help her son walk away - but it doesn’t bode well for her future relationship with her grandchild.

this is a Disney dad in the making - every other weekend. OP will probably be left with bed time and bath time etc while her son does a few fine things during the day before handing baby back to its mum.

that might work for everyone. The son doesn’t have to be a real parent and leaves his girlfriend and mum to do the woman’s work.

OP’s husband is the only sensible one.

WhackingPhoenix · 07/08/2022 13:40

Ooops The Sun has picked this one up 😬

MsMumsie · 07/08/2022 13:40

Woah there everyone. We don't know the full story here.
If he has to work all day mon - Fri and isn't sleeping at all and it's affecting his ability to work and he is the sole bread winner, he needs to work it out. Moving back with mum isn't the answer, but not does that mean he's a total menace.
OP could empathise and then see what other ideas they've had. Perhaps OP could offer to take newborn out for a walk after a feed so mum and dad can chat through some ways they can alternate rests.

granny and grandad ...not time to take him in, but time to support him through this and to help him find a solution.
He's reaching out because they don't have a solution and we all know how hard it is coming up with a solution when you're sleep deprived!

Tarnya73 · 07/08/2022 13:41

Unbelievably childish, and selfish. Is he trying to leave the whole situation and in reality wants to separate from gf because he doesn't like the relationship with added baby? This is just life, and he needs to be honest with everyone. I've never head of anyone doing this, I can't actually believe that he has even considered it, unless it's his way of escaping full stop. Absolutely would not agree with my son doing this, and would make it very clear, that I thought the idea was disgraceful, and I was quite ashamed of his selfishness.

oiltrader · 07/08/2022 13:44

can see his point. he is obviously the bread winner. bing able to perform better at work will lead to promotion and more money for the family. both are making sacrifices

stressedout21 · 07/08/2022 13:52

Totally agree How ridiculous what a selfish prat 🤬

Twentypast · 07/08/2022 13:57

Cautiouselectric · 07/08/2022 09:24

Is he a brain surgeon? High court judge? Forklift driver in a bomb factory? If not tell him to get on with it!!

That said, gf should be doing the vast majority imo.

Read the whole thread. He's in aviation. Unless he does a very basic job like a check in agent, I'd prefer most people in aviation not to be sleep deprived.

willow49 · 07/08/2022 14:03

tell him to grow up and start acting like a dad

Dontwanttoberudeorwastetime · 07/08/2022 14:03

Twentypast · 07/08/2022 13:57

Read the whole thread. He's in aviation. Unless he does a very basic job like a check in agent, I'd prefer most people in aviation not to be sleep deprived.

Show quote history

You need to read the whole thread.

What job in aviation is so important but only requires them to work Monday -Friday, 9-5?

Stripedbag101 · 07/08/2022 14:25

Twentypast · 07/08/2022 13:57

Read the whole thread. He's in aviation. Unless he does a very basic job like a check in agent, I'd prefer most people in aviation not to be sleep deprived.

Show quote history

So what about mothers who work in the sector? Should they have banned until their children sleep through the night!!! Should resident parents be banned from being doctors and bus drivers and pilots?

I know lots of men and women in this sector - and yes a pilot or two. They manage parenting and doing their job!

attitudes like this belong in the 1950s when the little women didn’t work and tended to the children while the big important men couldn’t be distracted by woman's work!

sandysmummy · 07/08/2022 15:18

Does he want to spend the entire late afternoon and evening at your house, or just sleep there overnight? What does his girlfriend think of the idea? If she has to continually wake up at night to nurse the baby, but sleeps when the baby sleeps at night, then your son might not be able to help her in the middle of the night. He might be more help to her in the early evening if he's gotten some sleep and can play with the baby while his gf takes a nap. Or maybe he's about to be fired from work unless there's a dramatic change, and then he and his gf will both be unemployed and out of resources, so they've decided together it's best for him to focus more on work. Or maybe his sleep deprivation is causing emotional tension in the relationship and they're trying to address the root of the problem before it breaks their family apart. (Yes, his gf is probably even more sleep deprived, but it could be affecting them each differently). It's very possible and even likely that he's being unsupportive of his family, but I wouldn't dismiss his suggestion without finding out more. Society used to be a lot more communal in terms of raising babies and sleep deprivation is a bitch.

TimeToTakeADeepBreath · 07/08/2022 15:49

I'm not sure about everyone telling him to grow up. He's asking for help (which quite frankly we're all told to talk and express ourselves more these days) and now he's been told to shut up and get on with it!
When I was on maternity leave I didn't expect my other half to help with night time stuff as I knew he had to get up for work. Whether it's manual or office work, the guy needs his sleep so he can concentrate on bringing home some money! Plus, I did what the midwives tell you to do and sleep in the day - which because this is their first child, she is able to do (no other school runs to do etc). So is she the one who''s being unreasonable and expecting him to stay up during the night whilst she sleeps, when she's got ample time to do so in the day?

Having said all of that, I think five nights is too much. I can understand staying for a couple of nights - on Sundays and Mondays at the start of the week, or Sunday and Wednesday to spread it out, but I think 5 days is pushing it.

He'll find it hard to bond with his baby the more he stays away. Or is he having second thoughts on all of it anyway, and this is just the start of him trying to break away?
I think all of this needs to be explored a lot more than making such a decision on a 'time to grow up' whim

Ginandtonics · 07/08/2022 17:48

Of course, if his mental health is seriously affected it may be wise to let him catch up on sleep for a few days. I do recall becoming quite unhinged due to sleeplessness with two little ones. It's a regular arrangement that seems odd, Monday to Friday, if he works a 6 day week maybe that explains it but why not Monday to Thursday? Seems like more is going on than meets the eye. Not all men find parenting babies easy, not all women do either, obviously. Gut reaction is he should pull his weight but there may be deeper problems, he may be really suffering, intolerably. How hard for OP to know how to react and what to do to help. The more I think about it the more I'd be concerned for him to be honest.

5zeds · 07/08/2022 17:53

The idea that women should walk round like sleep deprived zombies so men can have stress free days at their important jobs is fairly offensive.

1VY · 07/08/2022 18:24

Maybe he could come to your home for 24 hours at the weekend with the baby to give his wife a break. Then she could have the baby for the other 24 hours at their flat.

Then they would both get a break. And you could see for yourself what a great dad he is and how he does everything for the baby.

HarryPotterDucks · 07/08/2022 19:26

5zeds · 07/08/2022 17:53

The idea that women should walk round like sleep deprived zombies so men can have stress free days at their important jobs is fairly offensive.

The person working is the one who is making money, so yea their job is important as well.

5zeds · 07/08/2022 19:28

@HarryPotterDucks yes I expect they are very important as is the one holding the baby hth

Cinderella1 · 07/08/2022 22:40

*@HiHippPippy Hey, hope your meeting with DS and his GF went well, OP! If you haven't been put off by the self-righteous "how-dare-he" brigade, please keep us updated. Yes, in my opinion 5 nights a week is too much, a couple of nights should hopefully be a good compromise. I also believe that it is extremely unlikely a 39yrs old woman doesn't get pregnant by a barely known 27yrs old man from another country by accident! You seem very reasonable and nice lady who just wants to do her best in difficult circumstances. Good luck to all of you - hope you find a workable solution between you 🤞