Adult son wants to move back mon - fri to ‘get a night’s sleep’

[HippPippy]

DS 27 and his gf recently had a baby. As you’d expect they are being woken up during the night. DS has asked if he can move back in mon - fri so he can get a proper night’s sleep so he can concentrate on going to work and do his job effectively.

DH thinks the idea is outrageous and he should just ‘get on with it’ , I feel a bit confused as to why he is even asking. Surely other new parents don’t do this? I get sleep deprivation is hard, but I am not overly enamoured with this idea. But I don’t want to be unsupportive either - how would you respond?

No one would want to fly with a sleep deprived aviator or any kind of medical staff and fact is all public roles have it shit. At a desk no one will die no matter how they make you feel so they both may need help?

If you are happy could you offer mum some nights off?

He made his bed and must lie in it AND take a turn at changing nappies and night feeding (either with expressed milk or formula)
You don't trot back to your ma's to get a bit of kip and no doubt a breakfast too.
Man up. Unbelievable!

I cannot believe you are even asking the question. Unless you want to collude with him in dumping all responsibility for child raising and care onto his girlfriend.

What kind of person would consider even for a second, helping a man to bail out of his relationship responsibilities? Not to mention avoiding bonding with his child.

His request and mindset are disgusting. If you want to be supportive then support your grandchild by not aiding a father to take the piss.

Your son has no respect for you, or his girlfriend. I imagine you've been too soft with him as you've actually asked this question instead of telling him to get lost, and he feels its ok to approach you you with this utter nonsense.

Your husband has it right.

What is his job? Is he an air traffic controller and lives could be on the line?
How many times is he woken up in the night? Does the infant have croup or something that is exceptionally disruptive.

Do they have a small apartment so he can’t escape the noise? Could he stay and get some noise canceling headphones to trade on and off with his baby mama/ GF?
As a mom of 4, and a mom who slept 2 levels up from DH when he had to wake at 5 am and commute to work with our first- I would have welcomed him to get sleep to be able to make a living as I was able to stay home and sleep during the day as a young new mom.
You can try it out. No one will judge you for showing some sympathy and creatively problem solving.

Hope the conversation went well.

Is anyone helping your son’s partner during the day? If she’s having a tough time, she’ll be absolutely desperate to hand baby over when your son gets home & letting him “come home to mummy” would be totally ludicrous. It could well end their relationship & tip her over the edge. Talk to your son about the signs of PNI - his support is essential at this time for the sake of his partner & the baby. Family could also step in to help by taking baby out in the pram while mum has a shower/has a rest or catches up on laundry. It sounds like you live close by if your son could come & stay. Maybe offer to go round & make a meal for them & then look after baby while they eat it. Make sure your son knows that this phase won’t last forever. Things will improve but he needs to be present & have a little empathy.

Your son's opinion of pulling his weight when he's home is more than likely very different form his GF's idea of pulling his weight! My husband did no nights AT ALL as I breast fed, but that also meant he did no feeds EVER until they went onto bottles at around 10 months. He never bathed them, or settled them into bed as apparently they settled better for me (they did because he NEVER DID IT) yet if you asked him, he'll say he was a very hands on Dad as he changed the odd nappy! He does more with them now, but I still do all the washing and running around to school and clubs etc. You should help them both, where possible. She may not work at a job, but newborns are harder work than any job I've have had in 15 years of parenting!

That relationship won’t last. Rejecting his gf, baby and abnegating his responsibilities for 5 days a week? Your husband is right. Son needs his arse kicking and told to grow up. His gf needs to seriously reassess her future. What else is going to want to run away from in the future?

www.home-start.org.uk/
Homestart offers a home visiting service with trained volunteers for families of under 5's. Sounds like she could do with a bit of external help and she might open up to a stranger who won't judge.

MIND, the mental health charity has a mindful mums programme to help struggling new mums.

www.mind.org.uk/

I hope it went OK. I changed my mind, actually - initially thought, ‘How dare he? He needs to get on with it,’ then thought, ‘He’s obviously struggling, is worried about making a serious error in work and is asking for help, so why not give it?’ I think I’d offer a couple of nights a week to help him rest and reset. Would GF be OK alone with the baby though? Would she cope? Is she likely to neglect the child? I think I’d suggest she mention that she’s finding it difficult to her health visitor and see if they can offer more support. Can you look after the baby for them to have some time together?

If your son is leaving his family home then its possible he's having a bad time in his relationship but doesn't want to directly tell you that. Your responsibility is to your son not daughter in law or even grand child. You are only one person's parent there so think about who you want to support.

I think it depends on their relationship. My DD (1) and I lived away from my DH during most of her first year, no resentment, joint agreement.
I think really it’s a conversation they need to have then come to you together asking for help, or maybe they already have?
I’d get him to talk to his gf about why he’s feeling tired and what struggles they both face and I’d equally expect her to be reasonable with her expectations of him!

@Jimbob777 so her son has said the GF is struggling and your plan is to rescue the ADULT and leave a NEWBORN behind? Wow!

They sound like a mismatch of personalities and the woman neither ready nor interested in being a mother which, I'm sorry to say, sounds alarm bells for the future. Who suffers most? The child, who didn't ask to be born. What a horrible situation OP.

Good morning:)
Great that you're having your son and partner over for lunch.
It seems that they're just getting to know eachother too, with the pregnancy being so early into he relationship. I wonder if they could use a bit of time together, as a couple? There's so much pressure on parents now and although most of us who are older 'got on with it' we possibly wish we'd had more, loving support in the early days. If finance isn't an issue, maybe they wld benefit with a little help with baby? Maybe mum needs someone to talk to independently, who isn't family. Young mums can feel a lot of shame if they're not bonding so well. You sound like kind and loving parents, well done for thinking about their struggles and being there for them. Also, know your own limits and signpost where you can :)?

Is he a brain surgeon? High court judge? Forklift driver in a bomb factory? If not tell him to get on with it!!

That said, gf should be doing the vast majority imo.

Think he’s got a lot of growing up to do. Wanting to escape his responsibilities and prioritise his needs. The consequences will likely be his partner will leave him and he won’t bond with his child. He will have a job but be a boy living in your house.

When things have got tough, how have you responded before?

If you want to be supportive, say you will help both of them by babysitting or having the baby overnight so they can both get some rest, but make it clear it’s his duty and responsibility to stay together as a family and not abandon his partner

I wonder if there might be some sort of depression going on here. Perhaps you could talk about why he wants to abandon his family.

I would offer to have the baby for them so they could maybe have a sleep in their own house or if they need the sleep to come and stay at yours separated while the other has the baby so they feel refreshed. I wouldn’t let him stay longer that over night to leave his gf.

That is utter BS. Its a partnership, sometimes one partner may do more than the other. When my kids were born I tended to be the one getting up in the middle of the night, my wife had to deal with babies all day. Its a partnership. Ther should be no comparing of who does more or less.

I'm sorry but when I read your original post it made me seethe. My post would have been deleted if I (as a father) wrote what i truly thought of him. You need to tell your son to 'man up', and act like a responsible partner and father.

You also need to look at yourself, you raised him.

Doing more than his fair share 😂😂😂 said every mother of son's!
Doing more than his share of taking care of his own baby, probably doing more than he should in his own garden? Cooking and cleaning too much!

I would also be giving him a Very sharp talking too.
Offer to babysit and feel a little ashamed that I had raised such a wet lettuce

Only you know the situation and there are many factors here. Some of the comments are harsh. If he thinks he coming home from work you and you feed him, he relaxes and watches tv, goes to bed 5 days a week then I’d say sorry no! It depends on his job too, and the baby. There nothing worse than not sleeping and having to work a very responsible job role. If he comes home spends time with wife and baby like you say , then just sleeps at yours to function properly then I don’t see a problem. He’s not leaving her and it’s not forever. Baby maybe screaming all night, mum gets stressed, baby picks up on it and there goes the vicious circle. Something needs to break that circle. How about he stays over 2 nights and you go there to give a hand. I’d have loved my mum to stay over and help me as I’ve always worked and been permanently shattered!
it might only take a week to break the cycle and get a baby into a routine. Some women who don’t work do expect their partners to just take over when they get home. I’ll get slated for that I expect, so imagine being a grandmother, going to work, going to take over the evening shift when DIL doesn’t go to work but expects you to do it all. If you think your son is being a selfish brat and not pulling his weight then your gut will give you the answer. Good luck

I don't think we can completely understand the situation based on a few forum posts. These things are way too complicated for that. My initial gut feeling was that your son needs to man up, but based on your later posts it seems to be a bit more nuanced (as it always is). I'm curious to hear how the conversation went. Hope it went well and that you are able to find a solution that works for all parties involved.💐