Adult son wants to move back mon - fri to ‘get a night’s sleep’

[HippPippy]

DS 27 and his gf recently had a baby. As you’d expect they are being woken up during the night. DS has asked if he can move back in mon - fri so he can get a proper night’s sleep so he can concentrate on going to work and do his job effectively.

DH thinks the idea is outrageous and he should just ‘get on with it’ , I feel a bit confused as to why he is even asking. Surely other new parents don’t do this? I get sleep deprivation is hard, but I am not overly enamoured with this idea. But I don’t want to be unsupportive either - how would you respond?

What an awful lazy selfish son you have. And he managed to procreate. Poor gf and poor gc. Let him do it so he can work harder to earn more money to pay maintenance for the child when the gf gets shot.

It is hard work with a new born baby and the day passes by so quickly with what seems like not a lot done but survival mode (at least for the first few months I felt)I completely understand that he feels like he's doing everything when he is home and my husband felt exactly the same but that is what team work is alllllll about! We sat down and talked . . . . I suggested to my husband that I would let him have an hour or so downtime when he walked through the door as his job was very manual but then it was his turn.He would do the bath whilst I did dinner, then he would do dinner and bed so I could have a bath and down time myself even if it was just 1/2 hours to myself to feel human again lol and I would have a lie in saturday and him sunday, He would do a 10pm dream feed whilst I was in bed at 9pm and I would do the 3am night feed because he was working ect ect.However if she is on his case as soon as he walks through the door and through the night, that's really not fair eaither.I feel like that unless he is a brain surgeon ect, he shouldnt get a free ride.I feel like they both need to sit down with both yourself and your DH and given some guidance about "Teamwork" and speak to eachother because if they dont I don't feel like whatever they have will last.Parenthood was not meant to be easy but many people do it and it won't always be hard, actually very Michelle quite the opposite when the baby stage has passed 🙂

I really hope they can sort it out between them 🤞🤞

As a parent, you already know he is lying about do all those things every day, because not all of those things are everyday things. You don't bathe a baby daily; it is bad for their skin. He does what, 1 possibly 2 feedings a day if it is a newborn. What 3-person family has a load of laundry per day? If it is done at a laundromat, that will be hard for her with a baby all day and she would probably jump at the chance to leave the house if that were so. So, 2-3 times a week he is putting laundry in? Either at home, which is barely work for 1 load or away from home, meaning he can't possibly be doing all the other stuff he is claiming to do on those days. And how many of those dinners are takeout, pizza, canned, frozen, 20 minutes of work or less? I had two babies, 1 and newborn, worked full time after maternity, did all the cooking and cleaning and parenting. Then, when they got older, I did all that and added in a full-time student course. Tons of people do this. And frankly, if he is willing to sleep at your house, he should be willing to take the couch. My husband slept on the couch with earplugs. I sleep with headphones in and white noise on. Just enough to block the night noises that don't need attention but lets through anything louder. There are so many holes in his story and so many other solutions that he could have done first. I don't think he is trying to get some sleep. I think he is trying to escape. I think he is trying to ghost his family. He needs to see someone to talk to about why he overestimates his contributions and why his first solution was to run away.

@HippPippy You're re-writing the narrative now. You started off saying it was understandable due to his job and you seemed inclined to let him stay

You are now re-working it to wanting to "give them support", after people on here have given you a reality check

His GF is presumably still recovering from the birth and looking after the baby all the rest of the time. She will be Exhausted! I doubt he is actually doing more than his share, but it's concerning that this is an issue for him.

No… also it would seem like you were implicit in removing her support as as also new parent

He is still your son and he is struggling regardless of what you or anyone else thinks of him or her tbh, it's really easy to judge. Bottom line is he's struggling BUT so is she! I wouldn't give him the easy option out because she doesn't even get an option! And it will only distance them as a family unit, But more of a guidance from you and your DH on teamwork and get them to have a good heart to heart and if they love eachother they will work out what they can do to help eachother and if not then they didn't really care that much in the first place (hopefully not)

That’s family life.

Goodness - so much vitriol! If the OPs son does everything he says (and who are we to challenge that) then I think he is being a good Dad. Sleep is very important for many jobs, so it may not be unreasonable if he has the option of a peaceful place to kip, to suggest that (for one or two nights a week, anyway). Especially if they are staying with her sister so not even in their own home! Most babies sleep through after a couple of months so it's presumably a short term thing, and if GF is OK then why not?

Of course if there are other issues or she has PND or baby is difficult, maybe not ideal. But for a few weeks it might not be the end of the world

We had twins and I bottle fed, slept in with them and wouldn't have dreamed of disturbing DH unless we had to - he works with machinery but not a pilot or surgeon or anything. But he worked and I didn't, I could doze in the day or walk around like a zombie for a few weeks, I don't get this assumption people have that the working parent should 'suffer' as much as the non-working one just to show solidarity - sleep is important!

Hang I think we are missing something here.. you say his gf recently had a baby. It is HIS baby, right? If so, that’s a strange way to word it. They’ve BOTH had a baby surely… if it’s his, it’s as much his baby as his girlfriend’s and to not be there with them is unthinkable

If, as occasionally happens, they’ve got together after she became pregnant by someone else and it’s not his child, if he wants the relationship to work, he STILL needs to be there as he’s taken them on as a package. Or if he can’t handle that package then yes it needs to end.. she needs a full time partner not a weekend boyfriend.

We did the sleeping in shifts thing too. It was the only way we could both get a chunk of sleep. I would head to bed the moment DH got home, so around 7pm. At about midnight (or the nearest feed to then) DH would pop DS and the moses basket next to me in the bedroom and go to sleep on the sofa. We'd both get 5-6 hours each night. There was no "napping when the baby naps" in the day. DS would wake every 10 minutes unless he was being held and had undiagnosed cow's milk allergy so would cry for hours on end. Those first 12 months were the worst of my life and the sleep deprivation was largely responsible for that.

Tell him you are disappointed in him, thinking he can whine like a toddler and run away from parenting abandoning his wife to do it all by herself!!!! Every single new parent on this planet had to deal with sleep deprivation, he's not a special snowflake. Remind Mr. Entitled that his wife is also recovering from childbirth, needs to heal her entire body, if nursing she is producing food for a whole nother person, and she is just as sleep deprived as he is.

Then tell him to suck it up and that he is not going to escape by running home to Mommy and Daddy. That's what coffee is for.

You might offer to keep the baby overnight if (1) you are up to it and (2) the baby is formula fed. That way both parents can rest and both get some sleep. Other than that, tell him this is a part of parenting and the subject is closed.

It can be really hard for both parents, as we all know. Personally, we bought a new bed for the spare room so my husband could sleep in there when he needed to. That way he had enough sleep to survive work but was around if I needed him. Does his girlfriend’s sister have a spare room or a settee he can sleep on? Ignore all the hateful comments about your son. He’s doing his best but shouldn’t stay with you on his own. They should all stay, maybe once or twice a week, with him in his own room for sleep purposes. I hope you manage to help.

I understand your Ds situation and his need for a restful night's sleep prior to work commitments. I did all the night time care for my son's, my DH worked full-time and my fear was he would be too tired to drive there/home from work (45minutes each way) in fact if I think back I did 95% of the care of our children, whilst working part-time. In my eyes it was my duty as a mum, no resentment, just what I felt was my role.

Well, how lovely for your dh. However, many of us worked, and commuted and parented.

As has been suggested above, parents work out their own way of doing things - early and late shifts or alternate nights or whatever works for you at the time (dh and I have done both of these). Parents who are even slightly above being a rubbish parent do not sod off to their Mummy's for 5 nights a week leaving the other parent to do everything.

I accidentally pressed the wrong thing on the poll 🤦‍♀️ But if it were my son I would say absolutely not and be having some strong words.

Quick question -
have u discussed this with both of them? Son and the gf, as in who idea is it initially and are they both for it - maybe they are going through a rough patch and don’t particularly like want to highlight it ? If it’s not the above I guess it’s up to you and ur husband - but it might not necessarily be just about the baby waking at night - it could be something that might save their relationship in the long run
no judging here

I was initially going to slate your son along with everyone else (I am mama to a three month old so can really feel your DIL pain right now) but after reading this comment I don't think your son has asked anything crazy. It sounds like they don't have the luxury of a spare room if they're staying with her sister, so if she is BF and doing the night feeds then to sleep elsewhere 9pm to 5am seems pretty reasonable to me. My partner just moved back in from the spare room as our DD is finally sleeping slightly longer stretches and is BF.

Agree with everyone else though - obviously he can't move out. I would suggest earplugs and any other support you can provide to both of them - it's a very difficult time but not forever. It does sound like she may have PND which needs to be addressed as a priority.

Good luck!!! Hope the lunch went well.

More than his fair share? How recently did his wife have the baby, she's probably exhausted and recovering never mind the potential for ppd etc. He isn't doing more than his fair share he's parenting which is his responsibility. I imagine his wife has been at home with the baby all day and I imagine he takes over for a few hours in the evening while she rests so she can then do the night feeding etc? It's a team effort, enabling him to think he can just step out to get sleep and leave her to it alone is doing your DIL and grandchild a disservice. He needs to grow up. I'm 5 months pregnant and I can't imagine my husband ever asking to do this because i know he'd want to support me and be there for me. And I know if he asked my MIL would send him packing with a sharp word and rightly so. Can't believe you'd even consider this, sitting up alone doing night feeds is super lonely as it is never mind feeling like your husband abandoned you to it. Unless there is something seriously wrong in their relationship and he can't stay there any more he's probably just struggling with adjusting to how demanding parenting is. But the thing to remember is they both are and he's a grown man.

I'm even thinking about how demanding bf can be if she is feeding the baby. If they're struggling why not offer to make them dinner a few nights a week, do their laundry or ironing or babysit for them so they can both rest if she's expressing. There's other better ways to support them.

If the girlfriend don't have to go to work then she should be more considerate and take the baby to another room . I did this for my husband as he was our bread winner of the household . I would grab a few hours sleep during the day when baby went to sleep I had some too . Where the men can't do that when working . At weekends I had my husband do his fair share

www.the-sun.com/lifestyle/5943386/new-mum-man-move-back-home-parents-sleep/?utm_medium=Social&utm_campaign=USSunMoms&utm_source=Facebook#Echobox=1659789096

I would be so ashamed if my son were to suggest such an outrageous thing. His poor partner must think she has a baby and a big baby. I would be offering his partner support and telling son to grow up.

It's a long lunch/dinner session.. no update yet?

Ridiculous but was is his job? Some boring wanky corporate job you can do on no sleep. Brain surgeon????