Did DD deserve to be told off??

[PillowFeather]

My sister came around earlier. DD (9) was being quite animated dancing around in the living room. I went to make a cup of coffee and just as I walked back into the room I heard my sister say “don’t come clarting around me!”. DD stopped dancing, gave a nervous laugh then retreated upstairs to her room. I shouted up that I’d made her a drink and got no reply so I went up to find her crying. I asked what was wrong and she shouted at me to go away.

I went back downstairs and asked my sister what had happened and she said “she was doing that stupid dance around me and I can’t be arsed with it, she needs to grow up”.

DD is quite immature for her age and it doesn’t help that my niece (sisters DD) is the same age but mature for her age. Niece is spending the holidays hanging out with friends whereas DD doesn’t have any friends 😞

I can’t get it out of my head, I think DD was embarrassed and I don’t think she deserved to be told off?! Or am I being soft?

[Cyclebabble]

They are not young for long- and nine is still young- so make the most of it. Your sister sounds very grumpy and I would be reinforcing that in her own house your daughter can and should be dancing around providing she is not endangering anyone or thing.

[Bananarama21]

My 8 year old is almost 9 she doesn't do baby voices, she can dance about but she's never invading anyone's personal space. I think the problem is her immaturity. It seems that multiple family members are noticing a big difference in comparison to her cousins.

I would encourage her to gain confidence in any hobbies which will help develop her social skills.

[GreenFingersWouldBeHandy]

I think in you're focusing on the wrong bit here.

It is very unusual for a nine-year old to not have a single friend.

Why is this?

Does she irritate her classmates by constantly dancing and jumping around?

Is she kind/thoughtful/funny?

What's going on here?

[Alfenstein]

YABU

and you're doing her a disservice for not helping her through this phase since it will be contributing to her being friendless - annoying children usually are difficult to be friends with especially at that age

[BakewellGin1]

I'm a bit on the fence. I'm all for kids being kids, but if a friend calls in for a cup of coffee I do tell DC to play nicely so the adults can have a conversation. That doesnt mean I send them away but they are told not to harass visitors as 3 year old particularly likes to treat people like climbing frames.

I also have a niece who I love dearly, but she uses a baby voice when she wants attention and is whiney with it. She is 7.
DSis does tell her to speak properly then she can have what she is asking for.

[MargaretThursday]

You didn't think she'd been told off until your dd said "she'd shouted at me" which says to me that the tone of voice was fine, you didn't think she'd been shouted at/told off at that point, or you'd not have to ask what was wrong.

Yes, she should be able to dance or whatever in her own home, but if your sister is trying to have a conversation with you and there's a whirling 9yo round the room I can see how she might get frustrated. If it had been my dd I'd probably have suggested she went outside/to her room and let us talk if she wanted to dance.

With the baby voice again I can see both sides. If it is her natural voice then that's hard, but children do sometimes put on this voice because they think it works being little and cute.

I knew a girl who used a "cutsy" voice until her mid teens. She was a few years younger than me in a club and it really did her no favours because people tended to treat her as much younger. One day she came in not using it, and it turned out one of the teachers at school had snapped at her and told her "stop putting on that silly voice" and to everyone's surprise she did. And it did change how people responded to her-she was taken much more seriously. I know her mum was upset though and said she was "not sounding like her little girl."

[FurAndFeathers]

I guess it could be that your sister is harsh
and your dad is cruel
and her cousins are mean
and the martial arts instructor is too strict
and the other kids at school/clubs are awful

but there does rather seem to be a recurring theme here.

it sounds like your DD is struggling - do you indulge/baby her because you feel sad for her?
It sounds like she might need some firmer encouragement to stick at social activities/conform to social norms rather than quit/cry every time she’s perceived she’s ‘told off’.
maybe do some reading/listen to Ted talks on ‘growth mindset’?

do you have any dance, drama or theatre groups she could join if she’s creative?

[SunshineLoving]

A child prancing about like that when you're not in the 'mood' can be annoying. Your sister's comment wasn't particularly nasty. She just seems irritated, understandably.

Your DD running off crying seems extreme but she probably had this reaction as it's another instance where she feels like she can't be herself. I see both sides. I can understand why your sister and niece get irritated with her. I can also understand and support a nine year old who likes things that are typically for younger children. I would encourage her to express herself more at home but she needs to be socially aware that not everyone will find her interests fun too.

As for touching the piano, sounds like she needs some increased discipline. Yes she has her own interests and should express herself but she shouldn't be not following adults instructions

[Johnnysgirl]

@PillowFeather

The conversation with my dad went like this:

Dad “why do you talk in that baby voice?”
DD “I don’t”
Dad: “you do, you’re doing it now, why?”
DD: “I’m not?”
Dad: “you are! You always do it! Why do you talk like a baby?”

bare in mind this was in front of all her cousins, most of whom were laughing

Jesus, what is wrong with your family . Don't allow them to humiliate her like this, if it means standing up and leaving, or requesting that they sod off home, just do it.
It'll be majorly affecting her self esteem being laughed at like that.

[rainbowmilk]

Speaking from experience, the dance/gymnastics kids are the most annoying because at this age they’re doing it for attention, not absently the way a toddler might. I had a younger cousin who’d dominate family events for hours acting out musicals and dancing, and who’d cry/use the baby voice when she was asked to stop or sit down. It’s very wearying even for family. Your sister shouldn’t have been abrupt but I suspect this wasn’t the first (or fiftieth) time this has happened.

[Sally872]

I wouldn't consider what your sister said to be a telling off, just asking not to dance around her. I would be surprised dd was so upset about that and be asking how I can help her be more resiliant.

[MichelleScarn]

@PillowFeather

The conversation with my dad went like this:

Dad “why do you talk in that baby voice?”
DD “I don’t”
Dad: “you do, you’re doing it now, why?”
DD: “I’m not?”
Dad: “you are! You always do it! Why do you talk like a baby?”

bare in mind this was in front of all her cousins, most of whom were laughing

What was the context? Was she saying something like 'pweeeeze gwanda mes wants sweeties' or just being a bit silly?

[TheNoodlesIncident]

What do school say about her, have they noticed anything that your DD could be supported with? Better schools are on the ball with noticing when a child is struggling with friendships, overly impulsive (like touching pianos), lack resilience, behave inappropriately, maybe struggle to regulate their emotions, things like that.

Although I do think it's normal for children of nine to be exuberant at times, energetic and playful, they generally can tell when an adult is getting exasperated with them and dial it back. Not recognising body language or language cues in that respect is also something that would concern me. Since her behaviour is the same over different settings like the martial arts class as well as home, I think it would benefit your DD to consider if there's something else going on such as SEN/additional needs/neurodiversity. I'd want to rule that out first as putting support in place if needed should be done asap.

Also if you are on a low income/your DD is a Pupil Premium pupil, she may be able to have music lessons in school funded by this, it would be worth asking in school if so.

[5zeds]

People who rush their children to be “mature” are very short sighted. The longer she takes growing up the stronger she will be. 9 is very young and silly voices when stressed and performing are utterly age appropriate. A 9 year old who doesn’t enjoy pretend play and would prefer to sit with adults is more concerning. You sound like you are allowing your ridiculously judgemental family to make you think less of your own daughter. Don’t do that. Enjoy her and let her see you do. Friends will come. Teach her to be herself.

She sounds lovely and just the sort of person mine would have loved at that age.

[ILoveTwix]

What I'd suggest is draw a line under this occasion but make sure there is a restorative conversation between your DD and your sister. It's impossible to know which side to take as you got the information second hand - tone of voice, behaviour of your DD, tolerance levels of your sister or sensitivity of your DD may all have contributed to the incident rather than just one of the two being the main issue.

Your DD will remember what was said and how she was spoken to and this won't help her to feel comfortable and relaxed around your family. Even if DD overreacted or was sensitive, your sister made her cry and so some sort of apology needs to happen between them to move on from this. As someone who works with 9 year olds day in, day out they know how to hold a grudge better than most adults!

[Alfenstein]

@5zeds

People who rush their children to be “mature” are very short sighted. The longer she takes growing up the stronger she will be. 9 is very young and silly voices when stressed and performing are utterly age appropriate. A 9 year old who doesn’t enjoy pretend play and would prefer to sit with adults is more concerning. You sound like you are allowing your ridiculously judgemental family to make you think less of your own daughter. Don’t do that. Enjoy her and let her see you do. Friends will come. Teach her to be herself.

She sounds lovely and just the sort of person mine would have loved at that age.

Ah yes, it's well known the children who have no friends end up the strongest in the end...

Nope

They're the ones who often end up with serious self esteem problems and mental health issues

[Bananarama21]

There's a clear pattern here that multiple people have had issues with your dd behaviour. I think you need to address this what does school say?

[RedRobyn2021]

Your sister is meant to be the adult and your daughter is a child.

[TailSpinner]

I’ve tried to coach her in normal conversation but she reverts back to talking about babyish stuff. A couple of weeks ago we took her and niece out for the day, DD said something about getting a rowing boat and playing castaway on the island in the lake and niece snapped at her to stop being childish. DD ended up playing on the climbing frames by herself and niece sat with us. It’s upsetting.

How sad. That’s learned behaviour on your niece’s part, I don’t believe she would just come up with that - she’s heard an adult, probably her mum, say it. I agree with a pp, you’re family don’t sound very nice at all. You’re daughter does though - as mentioned above, she may have some needs that could be looked into and supported in a particular way.


Dad “why do you talk in that baby voice?”

DD “I don’t”

Dad: “you do, you’re doing it now, why?”

DD: “I’m not?”

Dad: “you are! You always do it! Why do you talk like a baby?”

This is also just a stupid way of talking to a child. Realistically, what answer was hoping for?
‘I’m talking like this in the hope of gaining your attention Grandad, preferably positive attention, since I’m constantly being rejected and criticised by you all - as you know I’m somewhat immature for my age and try to connect with others in ways that aren’t always socially appropriate. I thought it might come across as cute or funny but I was clearly mistaken, I do apologise…’
She’s obviously not going to be able to express her reasons. There is no right answer to his question, it’s just unnecessarily confrontational. And so she obviously becomes defensive and unfomfortable.
Just a ‘can you talk in your normal voice darling? I like it better’ will do if you have to address it in that moment (he didn’t need to address it in that moment).
Next time, please intervene OP.

[Beseen22]

Tricky one. I generally let the kids crack on with whatever they want when they are in the house but I've just had DN (7)staying and she was dancing around the house like a pussycat doll for 3 days, I had to sit and watch dance shows multiple times and hour, she had to do cartwheels and the splits constantly and I'm ashamed to say it drove me insane. I would say anything hurtful to her but I think its not the worst thing to redirect her to a different activity when you have a visitor in.

So my DS (5) is a lovely boy but he can dominate conversations and be quite a lot..he's sadly an extrovert stuck in a family of introverts. I see it in friendships, he has a lot of friends but can't sense the tone when they need space and they end up being mean to him to get him to back off. So if I'm there and I see him dominating the play and can see the other child getting pissed off I will often intervene and redirect him to another activity. I don't think its being mean to model to your child what appropriate social interactions look like and to help them navigate interpreting other people's tolerance to them.

[RedRobyn2021]

Also find it strange saying a 9-year-old is mature/immature for their age.

9 is a literal kid. What does that even mean?

[catandcoffee]

She sounds like she has a great imagination. Have you thought about drama lessons for her ?

[DinosaurDuvet]

@Hm2020

I think your sister needs to grow up and remember she’s a child and she’s in said child’s house.

This 💯

[ManateeFair]

@PillowFeather

The conversation with my dad went like this:

Dad “why do you talk in that baby voice?”
DD “I don’t”
Dad: “you do, you’re doing it now, why?”
DD: “I’m not?”
Dad: “you are! You always do it! Why do you talk like a baby?”

bare in mind this was in front of all her cousins, most of whom were laughing

It sounds an awful lot like your DD does things for attention and then can’t cope with being pulled up on it.

It isn’t cute for nine-year-old to put on a baby voice and most adults would tell them to stop, because it’s irritating and inappropriate. You said yourself that she specifically does it around other people and not just when she’s talking normally at home. Of course her cousins find it embarrassing and silly when she does that. She knows people don’t like it, so if she keeps doing it but at the same time gets upset when anyone tells her not to, that is something you need to deal with, rather than indulging her and defending behaviour that is clearly affecting her relationships negatively. You’re not helping her by getting annoyed when her own relatives are trying to get her to understand that it’s not cute or funny.

[Ethelfromnumber73]

This is really sad- she's a perfectly normal nine year old and it's great that you are allowing her to grow up at her own pace. Your sister shamed her and that's never okay.