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Did DD deserve to be told off??
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PillowFeather · 04/08/2022 20:46

My sister came around earlier. DD (9) was being quite animated dancing around in the living room. I went to make a cup of coffee and just as I walked back into the room I heard my sister say “don’t come clarting around me!”. DD stopped dancing, gave a nervous laugh then retreated upstairs to her room. I shouted up that I’d made her a drink and got no reply so I went up to find her crying. I asked what was wrong and she shouted at me to go away.

I went back downstairs and asked my sister what had happened and she said “she was doing that stupid dance around me and I can’t be arsed with it, she needs to grow up”.

DD is quite immature for her age and it doesn’t help that my niece (sisters DD) is the same age but mature for her age. Niece is spending the holidays hanging out with friends whereas DD doesn’t have any friends 😞

I can’t get it out of my head, I think DD was embarrassed and I don’t think she deserved to be told off?! Or am I being soft?

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Am I being unreasonable?

AIBU

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CactusBlossom · 04/08/2022 21:10

It's your house. If you were visiting your sister, it would be different. I think you should have a word with your sister, it sounds like your DD is really upset; she should feel safe to dance in her own home! If your sister said "careful" as DD came near, that would be acceptable, but for your DD to be so upset she runs off to her bedroom I wonder what else was said...

"Last weekend my dad asked her in front of all her cousins why she talks like a baby." -- another charm school graduate who should ask for a refund! Isn't it a grandparent's privilege to spoil their grandchildren? (I'm sure this phrase comes from the Molesworth books). I suppose someone could've asked him if he has to sound like a grumpy old fart...

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Dnadoon · 04/08/2022 21:10

Your poor dd. Your sister was mean.

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Greatfyl · 04/08/2022 21:10

PillowFeather · 04/08/2022 21:06

She joined a youth club but lasted only one session. I tried her with martial arts and she lasted a few weeks but left because she kept getting told off.

I don’t know where the baby voice comes from or why she does it, she denies doing it.

She was dancing in the centre of the room and I suppose got too close to my sister. (It’s not a big room).

Why was she told off in martial arts?

I’d seriously continue looking for groups for her. She sounds like she needs help building her self
confidence and it could also have the bonus that she might make a friend or too.

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WonderingWanda · 04/08/2022 21:11

Your sister sounds like she was being a grumpy cow Md your dd didn't deserve to be told off. I have a dd same age and I don't want to encourage her to grow up too fast. Give tour dd a bug hug and tell her auntie grump is just miserable and you love her dancing!

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PillowFeather · 04/08/2022 21:11

The conversation with my dad went like this:

Dad “why do you talk in that baby voice?”
DD “I don’t”
Dad: “you do, you’re doing it now, why?”
DD: “I’m not?”
Dad: “you are! You always do it! Why do you talk like a baby?”

bare in mind this was in front of all her cousins, most of whom were laughing

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Lastqueenofscotland2 · 04/08/2022 21:11

Hmm the fact she keeps getting told off in clubs as well as by family makes me suspect that her behaviour may be a problem rather than your family just a bit miserable?

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laalaaland · 04/08/2022 21:12

She's only 9. and it's her house. You sister was being really out of order.
would I be annoyed, probably yes. But would I say something, in that person's home, particularly when I know they are sensitive and young for their age? No, but then I'm not a grumpy arse like your sister.

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CinnamonJellyBeans · 04/08/2022 21:13

Was your DD showing off?

I think a nine year old singing and dancing around to get my attention would irritate me. The older they get, the cuter they ain't.

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PillowFeather · 04/08/2022 21:14

She was told off in martial arts for not paying attention (day dreaming, not messing around) and because she touched the piano

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LuaDipa · 04/08/2022 21:14

I think your dsis was harsh. She’s only 9 and if she was being annoying (I don’t know if she was or if your sister was just grumpy which is also possible) she could have asked her to settle down nicely rather than snapping. Some people seem to think that children are simply mini people but I was raised to be particularly kind to children as they are still learning so I wouldn’t take kindly to my dc being spoken to like that. I would not be at all happy with her comments when she was challenged either.

Lots of kids have struggled socially since the lockdowns, your dd needs support not criticism.

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user1492809438 · 04/08/2022 21:15

What an unpleasant bully your father is. To deliberately humiliate a child in such a way is inexcusable and despicable. I hope you told him so, but from the tone of your earlier replies, I rather doubt it.

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Kanaloa · 04/08/2022 21:15

PillowFeather · 04/08/2022 21:11

The conversation with my dad went like this:

Dad “why do you talk in that baby voice?”
DD “I don’t”
Dad: “you do, you’re doing it now, why?”
DD: “I’m not?”
Dad: “you are! You always do it! Why do you talk like a baby?”

bare in mind this was in front of all her cousins, most of whom were laughing

I mean in this case I’d probably have intervened because it’s not a good way to handle a child’s behaviour. But I would probably have had a word with my child about these behaviours before it got to this - why was she told off on martial arts/why does she talk in a baby voice and dance around people? Do you help her/coach her in how to have a proper conversation? It might help her make some friends, because if she’s dancing around and baby talking at other 9 year olds then running off crying at any criticism, it will just annoy them.

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User135792468 · 04/08/2022 21:16

Your sister was not unreasonable to ask your daughter to not invade her personal space. It does sound very attention seeking so I can see why to someone who is not her parent, it would be annoying.

The conversation with your dad was perfectly reasonable.

Op, I think you are overly sensitive and are passing it on to your dd which isn’t doing her any favours. Until you change how you approach your dd’s behaviour, then nothing will improve. Your family members have done nothing wrong. Your dd needs to be pulled up on inappropriate behaviour for her age otherwise, how will she learn and improve?

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LuaDipa · 04/08/2022 21:16

Just read the update about your ddad, are all your family like this? It’s not normal to humiliate 9 year olds in front of others, I would be keeping my distance.

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plinkypots · 04/08/2022 21:17

I I think I'd be more worried that there could be additional needs. It's not normal to not have friends or be able to participate in group activities without being told off.

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MichelleScarn · 04/08/2022 21:17

PillowFeather · 04/08/2022 21:14

She was told off in martial arts for not paying attention (day dreaming, not messing around) and because she touched the piano

Why was she touching the piano in a martial arts class?

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badhappening · 04/08/2022 21:18

Your sister is nasty.

If it was really irritating her, she could have said it in a kind and unhurtful way.

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Kanaloa · 04/08/2022 21:19

I actually do coach my son on social situations by the way - it sounds clinical but he has finally started being able to make friends etc. If I let him go about it his own way he’d never make any friends because quite frankly he doesn’t automatically think of others. He’d happily talk over others/monologue at them for ages and ages/be obviously bored by them. But I’ve had to walk him through ‘how is it if I do it to you’ and practice playing with him and having conversations at home because if I’m honest I wouldn’t encourage my child to play with someone who just talked over them all the time - it’s not pleasant for the other child. It’s funny too - sometimes I do ds and imitate what he does and he cracks up now. But he can now say ‘no mum, we need to take turns of talking.’

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PillowFeather · 04/08/2022 21:19

I’ve tried to coach her in normal conversation but she reverts back to talking about babyish stuff. A couple of weeks ago we took her and niece out for the day, DD said something about getting a rowing boat and playing castaway on the island in the lake and niece snapped at her to stop being childish. DD ended up playing on the climbing frames by herself and niece sat with us. It’s upsetting.

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abblie · 04/08/2022 21:21

Kanaloa · 04/08/2022 20:51

She wasn’t told off though - she was just told ‘don’t come clarting round me’ wasn’t she? To be honest I wouldn’t think it was too cute if a nine year old was jumping and dancing all round the place. I find when parents say their child is ‘animated’ it usually means ‘running roughshod all over the shop’ and at 9 I’d say ‘go and do something while me and auntie Jen have a cuppa.’

Is she quite sensitive? Running upstairs and crying in bed because you’ve been told not to dance around someone is a bit OTT.

Would hate to be your child/neice

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Vgbeat · 04/08/2022 21:21

Why are we in such a desperate hurry to make children grown up and conform. I was having this exact conversation today, my daughter is 11 and is very young for her age/ niave. She just hasn't been around older forces. We are so quick to make kids not want to play with toys anymore, to not dance and sing , play. You are a child for such a short time, let them dance and sing and if your sister doesn't like it then tell her to sod off.

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Kanaloa · 04/08/2022 21:21

I mean what do you say when your niece snaps at her and your dad pulls her up in front of all the cousins? Is it just ignored? If so, I can see how this sensitivity may have built up a bit over time to the point she is awkward around them. But on the other hand it does sound like she really struggles to behave age appropriately even in structured clubs.

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KateRusby · 04/08/2022 21:21

plinkypots · 04/08/2022 21:17

I I think I'd be more worried that there could be additional needs. It's not normal to not have friends or be able to participate in group activities without being told off.

I was thinking the same. Have you investigated this possibility, with the view that it might better arm you to support her? If it's nothing, it's nothing and no harm done.

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PillowFeather · 04/08/2022 21:21

MichelleScarn · 04/08/2022 21:17

Why was she touching the piano in a martial arts class?

She wants piano lessons but I can’t afford to take her. I suppose she just saw the piano and wanted to play on it. I did tell her it was wrong to do that.

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Thewayshetalks · 04/08/2022 21:22

My daughter is also 9 and can be quite immature for her age, however I have met some of her class mates who are the same age and they act like they are 15/16 which I find unsettling.
kids are kids for a short time, let them enjoy the silly moments, I would of told my sister to piss off back to her own house if she didn’t like my daughter doing what makes her happy in her own home.

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