Did DD deserve to be told off??

[PillowFeather]

My sister came around earlier. DD (9) was being quite animated dancing around in the living room. I went to make a cup of coffee and just as I walked back into the room I heard my sister say “don’t come clarting around me!”. DD stopped dancing, gave a nervous laugh then retreated upstairs to her room. I shouted up that I’d made her a drink and got no reply so I went up to find her crying. I asked what was wrong and she shouted at me to go away.

I went back downstairs and asked my sister what had happened and she said “she was doing that stupid dance around me and I can’t be arsed with it, she needs to grow up”.

DD is quite immature for her age and it doesn’t help that my niece (sisters DD) is the same age but mature for her age. Niece is spending the holidays hanging out with friends whereas DD doesn’t have any friends 😞

I can’t get it out of my head, I think DD was embarrassed and I don’t think she deserved to be told off?! Or am I being soft?

[Arbesque]

@Discovereads

@Brefugee
”So with our detective hats on we can work out that either a) the child was indeed too close for the aunt's comfort (the nearness of the dancing child is an undeterminable variable since the aunt and the child aren't posting and OP didn't actually see it) or
b) the child has done this before and the aunt knew what was coming (further evidence to be presented, m'lud, being the fact that the aunt later said that said child should "grow up")”

OR
c) the aunt thinks the dance is stupid (oh, wait she did actually say that) and so doesn’t want the DD doing it within her sight and hearing. She’d rather the DD go away so she says something harsh she knows will send her niece off in tears. Because she needs to “grow up” and not do “that stupid dance”.

Yes I’m fighting in the DDs corner because someone needs to. In every post you and others seem to only be willing to entertain the possibility that the DD is shit and the aunt is some long suffering saint.

No one said either of those things. We said the fact that the child has no friends, she left her martial arts class because she was repeatedly told off, she only lasted one day at a youth club, and her relatives obviously find her behaviour irritating to the point they're now saying so openly, shows a very obvious pattern.
This girl finds it very difficult to fit in anywhere. Ignoring that and making constant excuses for her is not doing her any favours. There is a problem here.

[sunsetsandsandybeaches]

The aunt wasn’t aggressive or nasty?

No, I genuinely don't see where she was nasty.

So ‘don’t be clarting around me!’ And the sneering of ‘she was doing that stupid dance again but I couldn’t be arsed, she needs to grow up’ is actually oh so nice and caring?

The former just means "stop mucking around" which is a perfectly reasonable thing to say to a 9yo, and the second sentence was said to the OP and not even within earshot of the 9yo, so it's hardly being aggressive or nasty to a child.

[Arbesque]

We're only hearing the OPs version, in any case, and she is understandably protective of her daughter.

But perhaps the aunt has to constantly endure the daughter jumping and dancing around her, moving closer if the aunt ignores her and basically insisting on notice and attention.

Perhaps the grandfather has asked her many times in private not to use a baby voice, and has just had enough (because an older child doing that really is beyond irritating).

Perhaps the niece had been putting up with her cousin all morning behaving like a toddler, seeking attention, sulking if anyone said a cross word to her and just didn't want to be around her anymore.

We just don't have any real context here for the family's behaviour. But we do know that, even outside the family, this child has issues with other people.

[Alfenstein]

@Arbesque

We're only hearing the OPs version, in any case, and she is understandably protective of her daughter.

But perhaps the aunt has to constantly endure the daughter jumping and dancing around her, moving closer if the aunt ignores her and basically insisting on notice and attention.

Perhaps the grandfather has asked her many times in private not to use a baby voice, and has just had enough (because an older child doing that really is beyond irritating).

Perhaps the niece had been putting up with her cousin all morning behaving like a toddler, seeking attention, sulking if anyone said a cross word to her and just didn't want to be around her anymore.

We just don't have any real context here for the family's behaviour. But we do know that, even outside the family, this child has issues with other people.

I think it's more likely a case of an entire family getting fed up of OP not doing anything so have started pushing back themselves

The OP should be the one nipping this in the bud, the family wouldn't have to make these comments if she had patented properly or helped guide her child

[Tiani4]

Have you thought seeing if she has any special needs or ADHD?
She's 9, so year 4 KS2 , you'd expect some playing and silliness but your DDs behaviour is all over the place

I'm disabled and partially deaf so someone talking in a baby voice would annoy / exclude me as I wouldn't be able to hear her; also someone constantly dancing and jiggling towards me would make me very uncomfortable as it is in my space . Your Dsis visited you to have a cup of tea sat down with you , no reason for your DD to be dancing at her.

I think your family are telling you that your DDs behaviour is not NT - write a list of what she does and look it up/ speak to GP

www.nhs.uk/conditions/attention-deficit-hyperactivity-disorder-adhd/

www.nhs.uk/conditions/autism/

[georgarina]

@Alfenstein

I think it's more likely a case of an entire family getting fed up of OP not doing anything so have started pushing back themselves

The OP should be the one nipping this in the bud, the family wouldn't have to make these comments if she had patented properly or helped guide her child

Agree. The parent is usually the one to say "DD, be careful around your aunt, go outside if you want to play."

If OP does nothing and this is clearly a pattern of behaviour (the youth club, classes, friends) others will get frustrated and start snapping.

The fact OP has gotten up in arms about her DD being "told off" rather than addressing the issue speaks volumes.

[Arbesque]

I'm also wondering if this is the same child who, a few months ago, was annoying the OPs friend and the friend's daughter by constantly dancing around the street on the walk home from school. It ended in the other child pushing the daughter over and telling her even the teachers found her annoying.

The girls were both 9.

[SlowingDownAndDown]

I think it's more likely a case of an entire family getting fed up of OP not doing anything so have started pushing back
I’m sure there’s truth in that, but it requires a degree of self-righteousness and self-importance to allow that annoyance to translate into the obvious contempt for a nine-year old expressed by the aunt to the mother.

[Notimeforaname]

Yes the aunt was a little mean to say that but also it is a little annoying having an older child jumping in your face all the time.

It's not a bad thing for children to learn that certain behaviour can irritate people and that people have a right to ask it stop.
Yes its embarrassing to be told but we all have to deal with embarrassing situations. It teaches us how to better controle ourselves around others.

I work with young people, we have one in particular who is quite immature, gets told off a lot for messing and not paying attention, I think she does the baby voice with the hope she wont get Into more trouble if she seems younger.

Some children just take longer to mature, give her some extra responsibilities and see where it leads. Otherwise she'll just catch up on her own time.

[sunsetsandsandybeaches]

I’m sure there’s truth in that, but it requires a degree of self-righteousness and self-importance to allow that annoyance to translate into the obvious contempt for a nine-year old expressed by the aunt to the mother.

I really don't agree that the aunt showed "obvious contempt". Frustration and annoyance, yes, but not contempt.

This girl is nine - she's more than old enough to understand that there's a time and a place for silly behaviour, and in the living room when you family visiting is not it.

The aunt wasn't horrible - she just told her niece to stop mucking about, and it really shouldn't be a problem for an aunt to tell a niece to pack it in and behave. I know my aunts and uncles (and grandparents, etc.) would have had no problems with telling me to behave myself if my mum wasn't around and I was being silly at that age.

If I'd gone off and cried about it, it wouldn't have been because my relatives were mean, it would be because I was nine and having a temper tantrum!

[Arbesque]

@SlowingDownAndDown

I think it's more likely a case of an entire family getting fed up of OP not doing anything so have started pushing back
I’m sure there’s truth in that, but it requires a degree of self-righteousness and self-importance to allow that annoyance to translate into the obvious contempt for a nine-year old expressed by the aunt to the mother.

I'm not seeing any obvious contempt either. Exasperation, yes.
It sounds like the family are fed up of being expected to constantly tolerate the dds attention seeking behaviour while her mum stands back and does nothing.

Either this child has additional needs and needs to be diagnosed and supported, or she is an over indulged attention seeker and needs to be made aware that her behaviour is wrong.

If it's the latter, perhaps the family has just decided to step in if the mother won't.

[SlowingDownAndDown]

@sunsetsandsandybeaches

I’m sure there’s truth in that, but it requires a degree of self-righteousness and self-importance to allow that annoyance to translate into the obvious contempt for a nine-year old expressed by the aunt to the mother.

I really don't agree that the aunt showed "obvious contempt". Frustration and annoyance, yes, but not contempt.

This girl is nine - she's more than old enough to understand that there's a time and a place for silly behaviour, and in the living room when you family visiting is not it.

The aunt wasn't horrible - she just told her niece to stop mucking about, and it really shouldn't be a problem for an aunt to tell a niece to pack it in and behave. I know my aunts and uncles (and grandparents, etc.) would have had no problems with telling me to behave myself if my mum wasn't around and I was being silly at that age.

If I'd gone off and cried about it, it wouldn't have been because my relatives were mean, it would be because I was nine and having a temper tantrum!

It’s what the aunt said to the mother that shows contempt. My family would never talk about a child like that - certainly not to the mother - and we had family holidays with some fairly obnoxious types. It doesn’t seem normal to me.

[sunsetsandsandybeaches]

@SlowingDownAndDown

It’s what the aunt said to the mother that shows contempt. My family would never talk about a child like that - certainly not to the mother - and we had family holidays with some fairly obnoxious types. It doesn’t seem normal to me.

I just don't see that the aunt has done anything wrong.

You have a 9yo who was mucking about. Her aunt told her to pack it in and she ran off crying in a temper/sulk. Mum asked what happened, aunt then says ‘she was doing that stupid dance again but I couldn’t be arsed, she needs to grow up’.

That doesn't say "contempt" to me. It says that the aunt was probably tired/fed up and didn't want to deal with a 9yo being silly and mucking around. Which is totally fair enough.

Children need to learn that not everyone appreciates them dancing around the living room and being silly - and if they're told off for behaving inappropriately, well, so be it. As the parent, I'd feel embarrassed that my sister felt she had to step in and tell my 9yo child off for behaving that way, tbh.

[Arbesque]

@SlowingDownAndDown

It’s what the aunt said to the mother that shows contempt. My family would never talk about a child like that - certainly not to the mother - and we had family holidays with some fairly obnoxious types. It doesn’t seem normal to me.

But maybe she was utterly provoked. I couldn't imagine speaking to my sister like that about one of her children, but they have never repeatedly annoyed me and then run off crying and shouting when I eventually asked them to stop. In that situation I may have finally snapped. We're all human.

[SlowingDownAndDown]

Either this child has additional needs and needs to be diagnosed and supported, or she is an over indulged attention seeker and needs to be made aware that her behaviour is wrong.

If it's the latter, perhaps the family has just decided to step in if the mother won't.
Yes, perhaps they have. That to me shows a certain self-righteousness, and there’s no evidence it’s done any good.
I repeat the aunt’s tone to the mother does not strike me as normal.
We will have to agree to differ.

[Alfenstein]

@SlowingDownAndDown

Either this child has additional needs and needs to be diagnosed and supported, or she is an over indulged attention seeker and needs to be made aware that her behaviour is wrong.

If it's the latter, perhaps the family has just decided to step in if the mother won't.
Yes, perhaps they have. That to me shows a certain self-righteousness, and there’s no evidence it’s done any good.
I repeat the aunt’s tone to the mother does not strike me as normal.
We will have to agree to differ.

Of course it's done some good

The OP is asking about it

Whereas before she seems to have blindly thought her DD was right and needed no intervention

Hopefully the OP takes the hundreds of comments on here seriously

[N27]

I honestly don’t understand some of these comments.

the child is happy

the mother is happy

the aunt is the one who “can’t be arsed with it” so should go back to her own house and leave everyone else to it

[sunsetsandsandybeaches]

@SlowingDownAndDown

Either this child has additional needs and needs to be diagnosed and supported, or she is an over indulged attention seeker and needs to be made aware that her behaviour is wrong.

If it's the latter, perhaps the family has just decided to step in if the mother won't.
Yes, perhaps they have. That to me shows a certain self-righteousness, and there’s no evidence it’s done any good.
I repeat the aunt’s tone to the mother does not strike me as normal.
We will have to agree to differ.

IMO it has done some good.

The DD was told off and stopped being silly, and the OP has received loads of constructive feedback on the back of the conversation.

Adults are allowed to get annoyed by children being silly and misbehaving. I'd 100% expect to be told if my child was mucking about and being annoying - and if my sister couldn't be arsed with a 9yo's silly behaviour, I really couldn't blame her.

A 9yo should know better.

[Alfenstein]

@N27

I honestly don’t understand some of these comments.

the child is happy

the mother is happy

the aunt is the one who “can’t be arsed with it” so should go back to her own house and leave everyone else to it

The child has no friends and the mother is concerned

[Arbesque]

@SlowingDownAndDown

Either this child has additional needs and needs to be diagnosed and supported, or she is an over indulged attention seeker and needs to be made aware that her behaviour is wrong.

If it's the latter, perhaps the family has just decided to step in if the mother won't.
Yes, perhaps they have. That to me shows a certain self-righteousness, and there’s no evidence it’s done any good.
I repeat the aunt’s tone to the mother does not strike me as normal.
We will have to agree to differ.

Ir maybe concern that their niece/granddaughter is friendless and unable to fit in anywhere because her mother is ignoring ir encouraging her behaviour.
I would be worried if she was my niece.

[Spudina]

I can see two sides to this. On the one hand, it’s the kids own house, and she should be able to dance in it if she wants to. My kids wouldn’t want to sit and calmly talk about school on their Sumer holidays either. My 8 year old is a bit hyper when people come round. She’s a very active kid and she rarely just sits down.
However, there does seem to be larger issues at play. Her having no friends and being unable to keep up activities is a bit worrying and maybe points to a bigger problem.

[georgarina]

@N27

I honestly don’t understand some of these comments.

the child is happy

the mother is happy

the aunt is the one who “can’t be arsed with it” so should go back to her own house and leave everyone else to it

Did you read the thread?

"Everyone else" - the youth club leader, martial arts instructor, aunt grandpa and cousin, and ALL other 9 year olds in her class?

DD is having problems with everyone, she can't be happy having no friends and being unable to join in activities because of her behaviour. And she's getting no guidance from her mum.

Sure aunt could bugger off and not say anything, which will leave DD open to even more cruel isolation/telling off at school and with friends.

[Phineyj]

One thing you learn quickly when you have a child with SEN (or let's say any kind of behavioural or developmental challenge, given that there's a lot of armchair diagnosis on here) is that as well as the extra stress, hassle and expense that comes with dealing with the SEN, some people will also blame you for it.

I'm not surprised the OP hasn't been back! She probably gets enough of that from her own family.

[Arbesque]

@Phineyj

One thing you learn quickly when you have a child with SEN (or let's say any kind of behavioural or developmental challenge, given that there's a lot of armchair diagnosis on here) is that as well as the extra stress, hassle and expense that comes with dealing with the SEN, some people will also blame you for it.

I'm not surprised the OP hasn't been back! She probably gets enough of that from her own family.

No one is blaming the OP for a child having special needs. We are saying the fact that her child seems to have issues with everybody indicates that the mother needs to take some action, including investigating whether there is something serious at play here.

[Alfenstein]

@Phineyj

One thing you learn quickly when you have a child with SEN (or let's say any kind of behavioural or developmental challenge, given that there's a lot of armchair diagnosis on here) is that as well as the extra stress, hassle and expense that comes with dealing with the SEN, some people will also blame you for it.

I'm not surprised the OP hasn't been back! She probably gets enough of that from her own family.

But there are many things the OP could do to help these situations

So I don't think it's wrong to lay some if not most of the blame at her feet