Did DD deserve to be told off??

[PillowFeather]

My sister came around earlier. DD (9) was being quite animated dancing around in the living room. I went to make a cup of coffee and just as I walked back into the room I heard my sister say “don’t come clarting around me!”. DD stopped dancing, gave a nervous laugh then retreated upstairs to her room. I shouted up that I’d made her a drink and got no reply so I went up to find her crying. I asked what was wrong and she shouted at me to go away.

I went back downstairs and asked my sister what had happened and she said “she was doing that stupid dance around me and I can’t be arsed with it, she needs to grow up”.

DD is quite immature for her age and it doesn’t help that my niece (sisters DD) is the same age but mature for her age. Niece is spending the holidays hanging out with friends whereas DD doesn’t have any friends 😞

I can’t get it out of my head, I think DD was embarrassed and I don’t think she deserved to be told off?! Or am I being soft?

Agree with this. Your Dd should be comfortable being herself and dancing around her own family.

But this is the child’s home. If we can’t be ourselves in our own homes and be a little bit silly then where can we? I wonder if it was your sister's tone rather than her words?

OP, I’m sorry that your daughter is having a bit of a hard time. My son has trouble maintaining friendships (due to his SEN) and it’s upsetting to know that they’re lonely. Has your daughter tried anything performing arts, casually I mean? It might help her boost her confidence, give her an outlet for the show off side of her personality (and there’s nothing wrong with being a bit of a show off at times when you’re a kid) and make friends.

Your sister should have apologised imo. I’d be mortified if I made a child cry.

Your whole family sound like nasty arseholes
Shes 9 ffs why do they want her to grow up so quickly???

I can see how it would be irritating to have her dancing around - but that doesn’t mean I would snap like your sister. I’d probably say something like ‘that’s great dancing, but it’s making me a bit dizzy right now - maybe give me a little performance just before I go?’ There was no need to be so abrupt.

Because I’d tell you to go and play so I can have a cup of tea? 😂 I’m hardly locking my kids in a cupboard, I would just expect a 9 year old to know that people don’t really enjoy people dancing and jumping round them. I’m happy for my kids to have a chat with people, show them things etc, but I also don’t like them just dancing round/shouting/jumping. Not exactly ridiculous, just helping them behave in a socially appropriate way.

She sounds fairly immature, impulsive and obsessed with certain things. She reminds me of my daughter (who ended up training as a dancer/singer). My dd is also autistic. Do you suspect any special needs?

It doesn't sound like a telling off. More a be careful type thing.
Is DD being assessed at school it sounds possibly like she may need some support for additional needs. Hopefully she finds her niche and some nice friends - has she tried a drama class or brownies.

I have a 9 year old niece who sounds similar and starts dancing and doing gymnastics the minute you look at her, so you then give her praise as to how great she is at it. I don’t mind usually, but it can be relentless at times and I never quite know what to say or how to act lol. I’ve not snapped though but I have to hold back eye rolling at times as her parents (my DB) always comment how amazing she is and it just fuels it. Maybe your sister just lost her patience with it all? But no, she shouldn’t snap at her in her own house if it wasn’t causing harm to others or something.

Doesn’t sound like she was really told off, your daughter sounds very sensitive. It’s telling to me that several family members are irritated by her and that she has no friends. The baby voice would irritate the hell out of me. It’s a shame for her OP but i would try and help her to learn social cues and realise when she’s irritating people rather than being defensive over it.

“ Clarting” sounds like heavy annoying dancing-
possibly in someone’s personal space- to be noticed.
Light footed dancing, a few metres away is mildly less irritating, but breathy “ Look at me!” Galumphing is annoying.
I was a galumphing dancer and would be told to
“ Stop showing off” and to play in the garden to “ Run off steam”

F to return

Wow! Your sister sounds fun! If my daughter dances around I usually join in! I'd tell your daughter that her aunt is a seriously boring person! I want my kids to have fun, dance, sing, have fun whenever they can! Some kids don't have that option!

I think that your sister was being unkind but what on earth does “Clarting” mean, I have never heard this word before in my life?

You can if they're in your home.

My head says that your sister was unreasonable but my heart says that other people's kids are fucking annoying. 😆

What IS “Clarting”?
Google says something to do with farts and that cannot be right.

I’ve tried to coach her in normal conversation but she reverts back to talking about babyish stuff. A couple of weeks ago we took her and niece out for the day, DD said something about getting a rowing boat and playing castaway on the island in the lake and niece snapped at her to stop being childish. DD ended up playing on the climbing frames by herself and niece sat with us. It’s upsetting.

Your DD is the normal one there! It’s normal for 9 year olds to make up games and be playing on climbing frames (and dancing round their houses!). It’s not normal for them to sit and behave like mini adults. Once they hit secondary then the behaviour tends to change and become more ‘grown-up’ as they mix with much older children.

Are there any other groups she could join? Like brownies? That will have a mix of maturity levels so some children for her to play with and others to help her learn a bit of maturity (only really regarding the baby voices) and they do plenty of fun activities, singing and dancing so she may like that.

Your dad was just mean to her. There’s no need to embarrass her like that. He should ave spoken to you about it if concerned.

I would be too. These aren't usual behaviours for children. Nor is the continual talking in a baby voice.

I kind of agree with this. It's concerning when you also mention the baby voices and not having friends. Why does she not have any friends?

Was she making a lot of noise/right up in the aunts face?

Or was she just dancing around elsewhere in the room?

That's really shit of your dad, humiliating her like that.

If she just dancing in the room, fine. No need to tell her stop. No problem with a kid that age liking to dance.

But from what your sister said, it sounds much more like she was right up in your sister’s space, leaping around getting in her face and being silly that was really way too much for a nine-year-old. It just sounds much too full on. If a five-year-old was doing that I’d gently and kindly tell them to calm down and give people space. If a nine-year-old was doing it I’d be a bit sharper with them, because it really is OTT behaviour for a child that age and not nice to be around; it can be really suffocating and stressful. I don’t think what your sister said was nasty, either. Certainly not something a nine-year-old should be unduly upset by.

As I say, if she was just practising a few dance moves in the room (and not being over-excited and in-your-face in your sister’s personal space) that’s different. But I do think that as she has a kid of her own the same age, your sister probably knows the difference between a nine-year-old just dancing in the carefree way kids do, and a nine-year-old behaving in way that’s annoying and silly for the attention.

You say your DD is immature and doesn’t really have friends. Perhaps part of the reason for that might be that other kids feel the same way her behaviour that your sister did? I’m sure she’s a lovely kid who just hasn’t learnt to understand when she’s being a bit too much for people - so is that maybe something you need to help her with? Perhaps if more people were as firm with her as your sister was, it might help her see what is and isn’t OK with people and help her with her social skills. And she might learn not to get so upset about small things. I don’t think it’s really helping her to always let her think her behaviour isn’t annoying when it clearly sometimes is.

It's her house and she should be able to dance around if she wants to. She's 9 year old.

Of course she didn't. Wtf is clarting? Your sister sounds really unpleasant.

I don't think your sister said anything particularly harsh or miserable, it's barely a telling off, but of course it depends on the exact tone and context really.

An idea for helping your daughter make friends is to lean into the things she obviously enjoys doing. She seems like a quite theatrical child who likes make-believe and performing, so dancing or acting clubs seem like a good way to help her find "her tribe".

I have a few actor friends and there's definitely a correlation between that personality and a certain dramatic nature and perhaps over-sensitivity at times. Theatre kids can be marmite personalities. But once she finds like-minded people that won't matter as much.

It's hard to tell if it was a telling off as we don't know the tone used. I would expect an under 5 to not understand personal space but if your dd was in your sister's personal space then I can see why she might be irritated. It's your DD's house so she should be able to be herself but your sister might think that she's family so can be a bit more honest than a stranger might be.

I wonder if your dd might be ND? I've read on here that girls are usually better at masking than boys but as they get older it becomes clearer that they are different to their peers. The conversation with her grandfather is very sad. Did you confront your dad about how he humiliated her publicly ?