Did DD deserve to be told off??

[PillowFeather]

My sister came around earlier. DD (9) was being quite animated dancing around in the living room. I went to make a cup of coffee and just as I walked back into the room I heard my sister say “don’t come clarting around me!”. DD stopped dancing, gave a nervous laugh then retreated upstairs to her room. I shouted up that I’d made her a drink and got no reply so I went up to find her crying. I asked what was wrong and she shouted at me to go away.

I went back downstairs and asked my sister what had happened and she said “she was doing that stupid dance around me and I can’t be arsed with it, she needs to grow up”.

DD is quite immature for her age and it doesn’t help that my niece (sisters DD) is the same age but mature for her age. Niece is spending the holidays hanging out with friends whereas DD doesn’t have any friends 😞

I can’t get it out of my head, I think DD was embarrassed and I don’t think she deserved to be told off?! Or am I being soft?

Off topic but Clart = muck so clarting around = mucking around.

On topic, from all the examples you've given perhaps your DD is a bit oversensitive. You could help her build a bit of resilience by talking about why her aunt and granda might have had a word. To say her granda was cruel by humiliating her in front of her cousins, she could well have been doing that herself with the baby talk and her granda could see that so was trying to get her to stop.

25, 30, 40 years ago, that would have been a perfectly reasonable playing suggesting for 9 year olds. And many would have thrown in.

Television/movies/internet/social media has really changed childhood; young children want and are expected to act like mini adults but too many people.

The put on baby voice, though ... that would be annoying then and nowadays. It's clearly attention seeking. The question is, why?

Same here. My mother used to refer to someone who perhaps wasn't the cleanest as a dirty clart😧

I think you family are trying to tell you something but in a cack-handed way.

They are being insensitive but I think there are issues here with your DD that they can't vocalise until she shows her behaviour. Ask them when she is not there and listen too.

Is she the youngest of all her cousins? Has she siblings? Are you trying too hard to make her something she is not comfortable with?

Nine year olds will do batshit stuff and be childish and "oh so mature" in the next breathe. They are irritating and adorable in equal measure. I would be pissed off with someone performing in front of me too.

Maybe your DS wanted to tell you something or just have a chat - do you have down time with adult family members?

She sounds a bit like my son who is wonderful, kind and bright but also has ADHD which means he can be very sensitive, struggled with friendships when he was younger, is easily distracted and is also rather hyperactive at times.

He’s not naughty or rude but can be annoying on occasion. He was singing and dancing around the room earlier and I had to politely (and quite humorously) tell him to leave the room….. he’s nearly 15!

It might be worth mentioning to school all the things you’ve mentioned on this thread to build up a picture.
I wouldn’t have my son any other way and love him just as he is but the journey to understanding him and to him understanding and accepting himself was an important one.

I think your dad in particular behaved appallingly and your daughter sounds lovely, if not a little lively! 💐

It doesn't sound like a telling off to me, fair enough to ask your DD to do it elsewhere. What I find more unreasonable is what your sister said to you afterwards. How rude. Is your sister normally unkind and intolerant?

Sounds like criticism / alienation from all angles for your daughter when it comes to family. No wonder she hides behind performances and voices that aren't hers

Maybe was annoying but this was in your house not hers
But at same time it doesn't sound like she actually fold her off , just asked her not to do it around her
Does your daughter talk like a baby ? Is there issues more than just maybe a litle silly
What is she like when its just you ? Also why no friends ?

Ah! The rowing boat and castaway comment is rather lovely and imaginative and I would have thought age appropriate.

Your sister could have been nicer and just said something like "Steady Alice!" in she was getting close or she was worried about drinks.

I do think the baby voice is a problem though as it's really irritating and will annoy adults and children alike, it's presumably a plea for approval by making herself babylike equating to being appealing and cute so it's just awful that it achieves the opposite. I'd pick a time when it's just the two of you and she hasn't done it and try to bring it up as neutrally as possible and offer to help her avoid it. Perfectly reasonable things, if said in a baby voice, are grating so she's really hobbling herself.

So tricky, you have my sympathy, I can only say that there were a couple of girls like this at my prep school and it did impact their popularity but it didn't last. They matured and everyone moved on. They weren't marked for the rest of their school days.

@PillowFeather is your DD and only child?

Placing my bet that she is

So your daughter (9) was at her own house during summer holiday, she was glad to see her aunt and danced around and instead of nice conversation/ interest to her life this aunt snapped at her and clearly showed that she didn’t like her? So your daughter was upset about this unfair and unnecessary cruelty and cried. I’m not surprised that she was upset tbh. Of course she is sensitive and not very confident. Having supportive and loving wider family helps a lot with confidence and maturity. And she clearly doesn’t have such a family ( I mean her aunt and grandad and probably others)

When your sister says ‘that stupid dance’ what’s she referring to? I’d it something your DD has done before and been more gently remonstrated about then?

I'm of the mindset to maybe encourage kids to display something they’re proud of - but with limits. My DS likes to show relatives what he’s learned on his keyboard but it’s he as and when they’re happy to nip up and watch him, it’s not the centre of the conversation/visit

I’m getting a vision of Mr Bennett to Mary; ‘That will do extremely well, child. You have delighted us long enough.’ 😂

I'm more tolerant of my nieces and nephews than my own kids, and I'd like to think as an adult, if a child was annoying me I'd manage it better than your sister. Unless your DD was being persistently annoying and your sis just snapped, I think she could have held her tongue.
I presume she is aware of your own concerns about your DD having no friends?

@Alfenstein my experience is that the very social girls in my three daughters years at school had a high level of anxiety/insecurity expressed in eating disorders, self harm, and early sexual relationships. It’s possible that that’s not the norm but when I think back to my class and my sisters it was similar. I’m sorry my post annoyed you my own children are grown now and I meant what I said, and am not sure why you took such exception to it.🤷🏻‍♀️

Can you really not comprehend that some children act a lot younger than their age? Thus are immature

I only have a sample size of one, but my DD (same age) does the baby voice thing when she's been around younger children, for example at holiday club. She's autistic and I'm not sure she's conscious she's doing it - it's almost a kind of echo thing. She also takes on teenage behaviours temporarily after being around older cousins.

She also has ADHD and in many situations finds it very difficult not to fiddle/fidget/touch things she shouldn't. An aspect of some SEN is 'rejection sensitive dysphoria'. For instance, DD often dissolves into tears and says I shout at her, when I raise my voice slightly (for example if she was dancing too near someone with a cup of tea!)

Bottom line - she is your beloved DD. If your family mock and belittle her, I'd see less of them tbh.

Persevere with the hobbies - my God, the things we did a session or two with DD - but this year she's managed to stick with music theatre for two whole terms.

If you're on a low income, ask your local youth music Trust or similar if they have subsidised lessons - you might be pleasantly surprised. Maybe not piano though - other instruments are more social.

Music is v good for DC with these kinds of challenges.

Yes but a 2 year old, a 5 year old and a 9 year old are all kids but massively different. Teaching a reception class is very different to teaching Y4s. I teach Y4 and spend my days surrounded by 9 year olds. Some are more mature than others. Being less mature is not a bad thing, it just describes those children whose interests, sense of humour and understanding is more like that of children in KS1 than Upper KS2.

Yeah that's definitely not the norm

Children who go through life with no friends aren't usually the ones who end up on top.

It may be the dds house but it also shows that she has no social awareness. Surely at 9 she should know better than to annoy people. The sister came to visit, and the dd couldn't find any other spare minute to monkey around before and after she left. I think the op is indulging this behavior. Also at 9 why is she speaking like a baby? Maybe your sister was a bit direct, but someone dancing close around me would really irritate me.

DS(7) is a bit young for his age, and I do worry about this. He does have friends but I feel they sometimes boss him about a bit and I worry about it. He is developing though, every year, even if he’s always just a tad in the young side for his age, and I assume your daughter is too? Not with a significant development delay?

I think your daughter sounds like a sweetheart. Imagining being a castaway sounds age-appropriate to me. Your niece sounds pretty mean, as do your sister and father. Your poor girl.

How do you know that @Alfenstein ?

I think your sisters tone is really important here.

If it was said in an aggressive or harsh tone then she was BU and there’s absolutely no need for it.

Your DD seems quite sensitive and ‘young’ but actually I’d rather see someone acting young (or their age) than too mature which many parents seem to want their kids to be more grown up and cool - which I think is so sad.

Let her dance as much as she wants and all someone has to say is can you take it over there or not do that near me please - in a kind tone.
She’s not doing anything wrong so there’s no need to be rude.

She sounds creative and imaginative. Have you tried Drama lessons/club or dancing lessons etc. She may well make friends with children who enjoy the same things as her.

How is she at school ?

Can you help her with her social skills? There's a pattern to what you're saying, people in different situations (family,judo etc) find her immature and inappropriate and you say she hasn't got any friends.
Maybe guide her to other behaviours when she's with people such as making conversation or at a club or hobby remembering to focus on the instructor and not touching other things. Also how to handle feedback in a positive way.