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To ask if this is a dealbreaker
154

TeaFiend100 · 04/08/2022 19:43

Woke up this morning to text from boyfriend of 6 months saying I'd upset him with a (goodnatured) little ribbing last night about him spelling something wrong. Said he felt patronised, and that he's 'good at spelling' so it especially annoyed him. I tried to call him and he didn't answer, sent a text saying sorry, acknowledging he had the right to feel that way and saying I wouldn't have ribbed him if his spelling was actually ever an issue. I said I loved and respected him, and wanted to chat through in person. Tried calling again, no answer.

He then sends me a long text saying he's finding the way I talk about money a lot 'unattractive', that he feels I've 'lost sense of reality' because I earn more than the general population does (I'm London based though) and I'm still worried about money (I'd been talking about budgeting the night before as we were going to move in together in September, and I'm generally finding money hard at the mo as have taken a 50% paycut for a job with better longterm prospects than my last), and that I must think he 'shouldn't bother getting out of bed each morning' because of his wage (I earn double the amount he does). He also called me a 'plastic liberal'.

I felt really attacked, and disliked, and I said that over text, and that he should think about whether or not he actually does want to move in with me or not, or even be together, as it doesn't feel like it. He has expressed being insecure about earning less than me a few times, and money DOES come up a lot in our relationship (just as much led by him as it's this weird elephant in the room - it's not come up for me in other relationships so it's not just me) and I have done SO much to reassure him I don't care he earns less, there's different ways of bringing value to a relationship etc. I have said in the future I would see our money as OUR money, not mine vs his, etc to make him feel better and like it's on the same team.

He also can be bitter about his place in life, lack of career (he works quite a menial job in his late 30s), blaming his parents or having a go at 'people with deskjobs' (I have a deskjob!). Again I've been nothing but supportive, telling him I'm proud of him and would support him to retrain in the future if we wants as that's what couples do - they're a team.

Anyway he called, apologised, and we talked for a bit and he agreed he shouldn't have texted that and should have instead thought about what he needed from me (ie talk less about money) and then to me calmly to discuss it. I said it felt like sometimes he was bitter and it was affecting his behaviour, and he said 'oh women, they always like to call men bitter. Fuck off' and put the phone down.

He then instantly called back and apologised. I was very upset. I was honest with him that I felt I needed to walk on eggshells around him in the sense of it's really obvious he is very insecure about his status, and that I didn't like that he criticised people, bringing them down to make himself better, and had now done it to me. I said he hardly ever actually builds me up, or says he's proud of me (and I've worked HARD to have a house on my own in London, I grew up on a council estate, parents have no money and I've put myself through one of the best unis in the country etc all without any financial or other kind of support (I come from a very dysfunctional family). He knows this yet he seems to put me in the same box as all of the 'middle class' entitled people he criticises alot). That I feel I need to play down and pander to him.

He said he was glad I had said that, that he hadn't realised, and that he can see my point. He said he had been a dick, and that he was really sorry. That he had been feeling awful this morning and shouldn't have taken it out on me. He admitted he thinks he's pushing me away because he doesnt think he deserves me, that his friends say things like 'how did you manage that?' when he tells them about me / my achievements, but that he hadn't realised he never tells me how lucky he feels (I sometimes have to ask him for reassurance or praise). I asked him if he wants to be with me, and he said yes, and that he loves me, and that he 'just wants me to be happy' (I think this was code for 'I worry I won't make you happy and maybe breaking up now will mean I won't disappoint you further').

I said I needed some time, and he said he understood. He hasn't been in touch in since we chatted at 1pm, and I wish he had at least texted to say he was really sorry. I imagine he feels ashamed.

The thing is, I'm about to be 38 and want a child. I have been dating for years, and had several boyfriends who are just not right, or don't want kids on the same timeline, or have issues, etc etc. Some of these people had lots of money, but with this guy I chose him for what I thought were the same values and was fine with the idea that we would never be well off and I would just have to work harder (freelance work on top of full time job) to bring money in when needed, as I am lucky enough to be able to do that. We had been planning a future together, which I feel very invested, and I feel so hurt that he's said all this. I don't like his immature approach to conflict, I don't like the swearing and name calling, and I don't like the fact he takes out insecurities on me.

He has acknowledged these are his issues though. So maybe there's hope?

Obviously there are loads of good things about this man that it would take ages to list. I felt like I'd found someone who got me in ways others find hard to, we generally have a lovely time together and he's always made me feel very safe, unlike lots of other guys. He is very emotionally available usually, always there for me and generally good at talking things through. There have been no major conflicts other than this.

WWYD?

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Am I being unreasonable?

AIBU

You have one vote. All votes are anonymous.

LizzieSiddal · 04/08/2022 19:49

I’ve only got to the bit where he tells you to “Fuck Off” and slams the phone down on you and don’t need to read anymore.

He sounds insecure, jealous and has a temper, and instead of congratulating you on your fantastic achievements, castigates you for being a “plastic liberal”. Bin him, you’ll be much happier.

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Anonymous48 · 04/08/2022 19:52

I agree with the PP. I would no longer be with a man who thought saying "Fuck off" on the phone and then hanging up is acceptable. The rest of your long story is irrelevant.

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Jackie246 · 04/08/2022 19:54

It’s impossible for us to say whether it’s a dealbreaker or not as only you (which I’m sure you know!) can decide that. However, the fact that you’re asking on here shows your instincts are pricking that something is fundamentally wrong. Also, the relationship is only 6 months old and it sounds really, really hard and exhausting, which healthy, supportive, balanced relationships shouldn’t be. However, I totally appreciate you wanting to start a family, so it’s not a black and white ‘dump him’ or ‘keep him’. If he shows genuine remorse and changes as of now, then maybe consider him moving in, but from what we’ve read, it sounds like he doesn’t deserve you.

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FetchezLaVache · 04/08/2022 19:55

You have dodged one hell of a bullet by his kind clarification of exactly what he thinks of you before you move in with him!

Bin him. Kids with him would be a nightmare - you'd be better off going it alone.

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Rainbowqueeen · 04/08/2022 19:55

Dealbreaker.
I feel you are letting your desire to be a mum blind you to how miserable your life will be with him in it long term. He doesn’t sound like he even likes you. You deserve to be with someone who supports you and builds you up. You’d find being a single mum much easier than putting up with this.

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IncompleteSenten · 04/08/2022 19:58

It'd be a deal-breaker for me.
It sounds like there are things he really doesn't like about you and I for one wouldn't want to be with someone who disliked me in any way.

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billy1966 · 04/08/2022 19:58

LizzieSiddal · 04/08/2022 19:49

I’ve only got to the bit where he tells you to “Fuck Off” and slams the phone down on you and don’t need to read anymore.

He sounds insecure, jealous and has a temper, and instead of congratulating you on your fantastic achievements, castigates you for being a “plastic liberal”. Bin him, you’ll be much happier.

This.

You'd want to be out of your mind to be moving in with this insecure, petulant child that you know for 6 months.

This smells of desperation on your part, never good motivation for any decision.

He's not a good bet.

You are walking on eggshells...#disaster.

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bangersandsmashhh · 04/08/2022 19:59

Got bored reading but he isn’t the one for you move on

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TeaFiend100 · 04/08/2022 20:02

I should clarify....YABU is 'give him one more chance, he's admitted he's wrong' and 'YANBU' is 'dump him'

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Tania64 · 04/08/2022 20:16

I understand that you feel that your biological clock is ticking but having a child with this immature selfish man child is not the answer. I would end it & either look for someone more suitable or even possibly consider having a child alone.

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ItsEll · 04/08/2022 20:20

I was with someone for years who was continuously competitive and jealous of me. There was always tension and felt that I couldn’t be proud of or share my achievements. I was walking on eggshells the whole time. He spoke to me awfully, insulted and swore after me regularly.
My greatest blessing was that I never had children with him, after 6 miserable years, I just walked out and never laid eyes on him again. I’m actually 39 and childless now and as much as I want to have a family, I would never ever ever trade my situation now, to have had kids with him.
Also, not to project, but he started being verbally abusive towards me around the 6 month mark. By year 3 he was physically abusive. It got progressively worse, not better. I’d run a mile from this one, sorry.

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TestingTestingWonTooFree · 04/08/2022 20:20

Rainbowqueeen · 04/08/2022 19:55

Dealbreaker.
I feel you are letting your desire to be a mum blind you to how miserable your life will be with him in it long term. He doesn’t sound like he even likes you. You deserve to be with someone who supports you and builds you up. You’d find being a single mum much easier than putting up with this.

This

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mumda · 04/08/2022 20:21

Not your circus not your monkeys.
Run.

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Snargle · 04/08/2022 20:23

TeaFiend100 · 04/08/2022 20:02

I should clarify....YABU is 'give him one more chance, he's admitted he's wrong' and 'YANBU' is 'dump him'

Trouble is, he clearly has a tendency to apologise but then repeat the same dickish behaviour just a short while later. His apologies mean nothing without the actions to back them up.

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FabFitFifties · 04/08/2022 20:27

I voted wrongly, having now seen your explanation. YANBU. He is bitter and jealous, and won't make you happy. I fear his lack of praise will, in time, turn to criticism and putting you in your place. Infact his outbursts suggest that is a certainty. Do not subject a child to this.

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barbrahunter · 04/08/2022 20:27

You will bitterly regret it if you continue your relationship with him. I agree with the PP who said you'd be better off going it alone with a baby than with him. Do not enmesh your life with this man.

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LondonWolf · 04/08/2022 20:29

If you stay with this man you'll be dealing with jealousy and resentment for the rest of your life. You'll end up a shadow of yourself trying to reassure him and bend yourself into the shape he wants you to be. I heard an interesting stat the other day around there being high rates of DV in relationships where the woman earns more than the man. Something to be aware of.

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RightsHoardingRaptor · 04/08/2022 20:32

Children with someone who feels less than is a big risk. Children challenge your identity, need a lot of attention and life can be very tough, and if he wants to be pandered to that's the last thing he will enjoy.

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Diablocircus · 04/08/2022 20:32

This site more than any other should emphasise with the maternal clock, but this seems to be clouding your judgement.

You should be proud of yourself for what you have achieved, you’ve worked really hard, but your OH is making you feel embarrassed by it.

The way he has spoken to you is awful and you seem like you enable him.

You made a joke which he found offensive, so you apologised. Yet he can tell you to F off, hang up on you and then you immediately answer him when he calls to apologise.

You must have had to show so much grit and determination to get where you are without parental support, yet you’re letting him walk all over you.

Would you stay if you were 30? I think you’d be long gone.

I think there’s someone way better for you out there, and if you don’t find them, there are other ways to have a child.

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MacKenzieMcHale · 04/08/2022 20:34

If you want a child then this 'there's different ways to bring value to a relationship' nonsense is just that. How's it going to work if you earn decent money and he earns a pittance? He'll be a stay at home dad who gets more insecure and bitter about not feeling on a level playing field with you?

You need to be partners on a team with the father of your child, and this relationship isn't built like that.

Time to move on, OP.

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Madamecastafiore · 04/08/2022 20:35

God. Text him immediately and thank him for opening your eyes to what a wanker he is before you did finally make the huge step to move in together and then block and get on with your life.

You could put that you obviously aren't well matched rather than call him a wanker if you really want to but girl you have had a lucky escape with this one.

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Bobbybobbins · 04/08/2022 20:36

He is showing you who he is - do not ignore it!

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magicstar1 · 04/08/2022 20:37

Get rid. He resents you and it won’t get any better. I bet you anything that he’ll eventually say “what’s the point in me working” and expect you to pay for everything. You can see it time and time again on these boards. You’ll end up run ragged working full time and taking care of any children.
It’s been 6 months…you can start again with someone better.

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Summerhasbeenandgone · 04/08/2022 20:37

You want a dc op? A ready- made stroppy teenager you have already got...
Throw this one back op.

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Tractordiggerdump · 04/08/2022 20:38

I voted YABU before you clarified. YABU staying with him.

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